Be like her and you won't need the car.

It’s easy to become irresistible to men. Don’t believe us? Check out these easy-to-follow steps!

1. Always be well-groomed

   Think of the woman whom you consider to be the best-dressed babe in your office — what kind of responses does she evoke from your male colleagues? Respect? Awe? Lust? It’s easy to understate the importance of being well-groomed, yet a good-fitting suit — one that accentuates the right curves and hides the flab — does wonders for your personal outlook.

   
   

   “It’s called the halo effect,” explains Steven Jeffes, author of Appearance is Everything (Sterling House). “People who are attractive are presumed to possess higher levels of intellect and motivation, they’re presumed to be friendlier and more outgoing, as well as perceived to be capable of far greater accomplishments than those who are not. It’s all based on perception.”

   Well-groomed does not mean expensive or even beautiful. You may never be a movie star, but at the very least, you can look pleasant. So, take a good look at yourself and your wardrobe. Are you wearing clothes that suit your body type? Do you have at least one nice dress to use on dates, one that really brings out your best features, one that has never failed to make heads turn? What about your hair — are you maintaining it at a suitable length? The ‘halo effect’ can not only help your career, but can also make you one of the hottest assets around.

2. Learn how to cook

   ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,’ goes the old saw. So, if you know how to cook, you’ve already won half the battle. And if you know how to cook well, then I don’t know why you’re reading this in the first place!

   How to cook bacon.

   Cooking does not mean fried chicken or instant noodles (even if it does come with veggies and tuna). Cooking means curries, pies, soups, stews… and none of that out-of-the-packet seasoning. Not many men know how to cook themselves, but they all have mothers and they know the difference between a real home-cooked meal and a poor, instant imitation.

   If you don’t know at least four or five dishes already, then pick up a cookbook (I recommend anything by Jamie Oliver — his recipes really do work!) and start experimenting. Cooking is an art, and the only way to improve is through practice. The hypnotic effect good food has on a man — any man — is well documented. Cook your target a curry or something and you’ll leave an indelible impression on his mind.

3. Laugh a lot

   It’s been said that the most attractive characteristic a man can possess is a powerful sense of humour. Well, the same is true for women … to a certain extent. Although it’s usually the man who is expected to make the woman laugh, all men can appreciate a woman who can do the same in return, especially one who can laugh at herself.

   Men and their jokes are often insensitive to women, which is what made Catherine 23, so appealing to Brad, 25: she was able to laugh right along to his buddies’ jokes about women’s PMS.

   “She listened attentively and laughed out loud when the punchlines hit, even though the jokes were aimed at her sex,” recalls Brad. “It made me think: now here is a woman who is a lot of fun — I’d like to get to know her better.”

   The one thing that usually makes men better friends than women is that they know when a joke is a joke, even if it’s aimed at them. They don’t take things as personally as women are likely to. If you can learn to detach yourself in this way, you’ll be one of his favourite people to hang around with — always irresistible.

4. Don’t be Needy

   Although the movies and songs tell you otherwise, men actually love women who are independent enough to take care of themselves. Needy women mean high-maintenance, and most men to not want that kind of burden on their time and energy.

   The Needy Woman.

5. Read a lot

   Although you don’t have to be a nuclear physicist to hold a conversation with a man, most men — the ones worth knowing, at least — do expect a degree of intellect that is at least equal to their own. In the airline hospitality industry, stewards often joke about whether a woman could be a wife or only a girlfriend. Dumb blondes always fall into the second category.

   Yes, it’s true that some men are intimidated by women who seem smarter than them. But these blokes are not the ones we’re interested in, are we? Insecure men (or women, for that matter) are like orphaned earrings: you never know whether to keep them in the hope that they find what it is they’re missing; or whether to throw them out because they’re only cluttering up your space. But you always end up doing the latter anyway.

   Read books that stimulate thought. Do a general knowledge quiz or IQ test now and then to sharpen your wit. Watch documentaries instead of those dumb reality TV shows. All of the above will help make you more interesting and more appealing — intellectually — than before. Now, even if he does get bored of gazing into your eyes, he’ll never get bored of hearing you speak.




6. Be a Smiley, not a Grumpy

   

   A smile never goes out of fashion.

   Smileys have always met with more success than Grumpies when it comes to making friends. A pleasant grin lights up your eyes and makes you glow, giving you a radiance that no amount of make-up or exercise can do. It is a universally-accepted way of showing your agreeable nature, and is easily the most effective way of becoming more sexy and attractive in an instant.

   If you’ve got nothing to be happy about, then you’ve got to start from the bottom up. Start smiling even if you don’t feel like it. Soon, the smiles will come easier to you, and you’ll be able to do it without thinking. Keep it up, and you’ll turn your downward-turned lips into a pleasant, sunny face — one he’ll enjoy seeing anytime of the day.

7. Respect his space

   When men date women they lose some of their personal space. There is nothing wrong with that — by dating you, they are agreeing to let you into their world to see how you like it. But like your space, their space is personal and to intrude upon it everyday will make him feel crowded.

   “I couldn’t stand the way she just wanted to do everything with me,” says Alan, 26, in recalling a girl whom he used to date. “Whether it was going to the pub or playing a game of football, she just had to come along. I felt choked. There was no room for me anymore!”

   You have to learn to tell how close is too close (see our sidebar: Just How Much Space Is Enough?), and once you know the boundaries, stay out of them. A woman who can respect a man’s space like that will be his favourite gal for a long, long time.

8. Know a little about sports

   David Beckham is probably the best thing that has happened to football in the last hundred years. Why? Because he has elevated the popularity of the game to a level hitherto unheard of, a level that includes an audience of women.

   In Bend It Like Beckham, Parminder Nagra plays the role of a football-mad girl who wants to play soccer. How I wish my girlfriends were like that when I was young. But whilst men will never expect you to tell a banana kick from a drive, they will appreciate it if you could tell the difference between Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal.

   My dream girl.

   Women who are able to dig the World Cup are in particularly high demand when the competition comes around every four years. Why not start doing your homework now? Better yet, why not choose a team to support?

9. Have a hobby

   Women who are bored are unattractive because it looks like they do not value their own time and space. Men are very drawn to women who have an engrossing hobby of some sort, one that they can retreat to every now and then. Partly, it’s because by having that hobby, you are declaring that your life is very much your own and is separate from his. But it is also the indefinable attraction that men have for a woman who is concentrating on something.

   So, why not take up something interesting like photography or writing or paragliding? Women who write poetry are said to be very intriguing to men, because the prose they compose is often beyond the comprehension of the male mind (and very often beyond the female mind, too). Women who can sing and play the piano or guitar are particularly sexy. There are thousands of possible hobbies out there — pick one up that interests you, because that will keep you interesting to him.

10. Sharpen your bedroom skills

    
    

    Ah, I suppose this was to be expected. You cannot expect to be irresistible if you don’t know how to get it on. But it’s more than just sex. You have to be able to give the impression that you know every trick there is to know without needing a live demonstration to prove it.

    We’ve all met a man or woman who has given us the feeling that he or she knows a thing or two about carnal pleasure. Yet, these same people do not appear slutty or cheap, because they’re not. It’s in the sparkle in their eye when they look at you, or in the way their lips curl into a smile. You feel like giving yourself up to them and letting them do what they will with you, because you’re positive that they know best.

    Do your research — on the Web, in women’s magazines, the DVD shop — and learn all you can about sex. It’s the one thing that never goes out of fashion with men.

How much space is too much space?

College Life: new freedom, new independence.

So, you’re out of school and off to college. Congratulations! Order a pizza! Treat yourself to a tub of Haagen Dazs. But wait — isn’t college just a different type of school? Well, yes and no. Yes, you’ve got loads to study, and it isn’t going to be easy, either. But hey! — you don’t need to… »

College life: fun, fun, fun!

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College life: study hard, study smart

If you thought high school was tough then wait till you sit through your first lecture on Fundamental Economic Theory. College can be a terrible shock if you’re not prepared for it (it was for us!), what with the gigantic books, humungous libraries, and — would you believe it? — more mathematics! But it’s not… »

College Life: boys, boys, boys

The trouble with boys is that they’re not much fun if they’re smarter than you. And college is positively chock-a-block full of smart alecs who really do believe what their Mum’s told them about the world being their oyster. In any case, there’s a pretty good chance that college will be your first experience of getting… »

College Life: your body, your health.

A healthy body makes for a healthy mind — Clichéd, we know, but true. Now that Mom has stopped fussing over you (you asked for it!), and home-cooked food seems like a distant memory, it’s really up to you to take care of yourself. Hey — growing up has its price, you know. Three years is a… »

College Life: New friends, new rules

What are friends for if not to make your college life one big, exciting joyride, right? Especially if your friendship dates back to your pre-Barbie doll youth! But here we must warn you to brace yourself for disappointment. Friends at school rarely remain friends in college, and it is perfectly natural for both… »

Fun lovin' in the sun!

Girls just wanna have fun…

… and boys just wanna have sex. One of life’s dumbest axioms, but there is some truth to it. College changes your ideas of entertainment in a way nothing else can. You’re above eighteen, and discos are suddenly very real attractions. There’s Starbucks, too. And the movies. And shopping.

But although everyone would like to get on in life by just having fun, it just doesn’t work that way (unless you’re a Hilton Heir, which doesn’t count). That’s not to say that you can’t have any fun — what would college be without it? But it must not get to the point when you’d rather sip on a latte than be at tutorial.

There is also the question of where to draw the line between entertainment and stupidity. Dancing the night away can be a lot of fun, but is quickly ruined by drugs or too much alcohol. The best way to know if what you’re doing is acceptable is to imagine Mum seeing you at it: will she be merely annoyed, or will she be break into tears? Annoyed is okay; tears are not.

Year One

Night heat:

You’ll be tempted to experiment, but we should warn you to stay away from full-fledged clubs (the kind with the largest dance floors and brightest lights) for now. Most of the time, they’re for above-21s anyway… and with good reason.

Day breaks:

This is more up your alley, and we encourage you to find ways to let off your steam during the day instead of the night during your first year. Think: shopping, Starbucks, movies and park outings.

“Me” time:

AThere is nothing like time alone to reflect and relax. We recommend settling into an alone-time routine throughout your days in college. Oh, and ‘Me’ time does not equal sleep time.

Year Two

Night heat:

The neon lights are calling you seemingly every weekend and the music never ceases to get you grooving. Now that you’re settled, feel free to party now and then… but only if you think you deserve it, and if you can afford it.

Day breaks:

These will seem pretty humdrum affairs to you by now, but they’re still important. Ideally, your clique should be more coffee-sippers than Margarita-guzzlers, too. It’s cheaper and (somewhat) healthier. Try to take the lead.

“Me” time:

This will possibly be your favourite way of unwinding by now, and that’s good for you. As long as you don’t start feeling lonely, you should continue this therapy as long as you can.

Year Three

Night heat:

Okay, sweetheart: time to shelve the dancing shoes and sequin skirt — the party’s over. Don’t feel sad, though. You’ll be partying more than ever when your Finals are over.

Day breaks:

Without the clubbing, do you see why these day breaks are so important? Even so: how much time do you have to while away at Starbucks if you still haven’t mastered Calculus yet?

“Me” time:

Now, it’s easy to start dealing with exam pressure by (over)sleeping it away, but this is not going to help you much in the big picture. Not enough sleep is bad, but too much can be devastating. It becomes a hard, terrible habit to kick. Try simple meditation exercises instead.

In the College Lifeseries:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Study, study, study

If you thought high school was tough…

… then wait till you sit through your first lecture on Fundamental Economic Theory. College can be a terrible shock if you’re not prepared for it (it was for us!), what with the gigantic books, humungous libraries, and — would you believe it? — more mathematics!

But it’s not impossible. It’s not even hard, once you get the hang of it. Yes, some of the concepts are a little tricky to grasp. And of course there probably is an easier way to say ‘How To Count’ than “Quantitative Methods”. But all you have to do is get past the first few hurdles of comprehension, and you’re on your way. Hey — if it really is that hard, where are all the college dropouts, eh?

Year One

Lectures:

Much as we hate to admit it, college lecturers really do know what they’re talking about. You, on the other hand, do not. Of course, this being your first year, you’re going to be tempted to doze in class as much as the rest of us and hope to catch up later. We won’t tell you not to, but won’t you at least try to pay attention now and then?

Tutorials:

The difference between tutorials and lectures is that the former is more discussion-based, whereas the latter is usually all one-way instruction. If you’re a super-learner, you could probably get by on lectures alone. But why be an arrogant fool?

Exams:

As in school, you’re not going to take any other exams apart from your Finals seriously. But this is a bad habit, and now that’s you’re all grown up, you should change it. All exams are important.

Year Two

Lectures:

These will have progressed from scarily interesting in the first year to agonisingly boring by now. More than ever, you will have to discipline yourself to make sure you attend every lecture — the tough subjects are always reserved for the second year of study.

Tutorials:

If you’re still cocky about your concentration skills at lectures, good for you. But our advice is to attend tutorials this year just to make sure that you’re on top of your game. And if you’re not… well, time’s getting short so you’d better buck up!

Exams:

These will not seem anything like what you remember. Questions will be tougher, and will test your knowledge on what you learned last year. Good refreshers, and if you do well, they do wonders for your self-confidence in the run-up to next year’s Finals.

Year Three

Lectures:

If you’ve been mucking around the past two years, then this year is going to seemingly rush by you leaving you asking yourself “Where did all that time go?” Do not miss anymore lectures. This is the year teachers offer their tips and advice for the Finals.

Tutorials:

Another thing you absolutely cannot miss anymore. This year’s tutorials will be crucial in preparing you for the finals, and are where you’ll likely get the best tips towards doing well on The Big Day.

Exams:

This is it. The Finale. The Big Day. “Where did the three years go?!” you scream. It doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that you focus all your energies into doing past-year sample exercises and clearing up concepts you’re unclear on with your lecturers. Unless you want to come back and do it all over again….

In the College Lifeseries:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Trouble brewing.

The trouble with boys…

… is that they’re not much fun if they’re smarter than you. And college is positively chock-a-block full of smart alecs who really do believe what their Mum’s told them about the world being their oyster.

In any case, there’s a pretty good chance that college will be your first experience of getting into a relationship… and all the difficulties that comes with it (what do you think all those broken-heart songs are for?). Not all boys are as nice as we’d like them to be, especially when they’re far away from home (i.e., foreign students are the ones you ought to be most wary of). But there are certainly a load of cute, intelligent boys that you can count on being your knight in shining armour should the need arise. The trick is to not rush into things.

Year One

The friendly guy:

Let’s face it: you’re no Jennifer Garner, so not every guy has to worship the ground you walk on. Some guys just want to be friends (seriously — we asked). During your first year, all males should be friends only. No exceptions.

The special guy:

Regardless of what you just read above, you will single someone out as the guy you’re most interested in. Perhaps he’s really smart. Or funny. Or a Beckham look-alike. Or whatever. But our stand remains the same: friends only.

The dangerous guy:

You’ll know this guy from the way he makes you — and every other girl in college — weak at the knees. Beware! Breathtakingly handsome and usually rich, he’s always on the prowl for ‘fresh meat’… and you’re perfect.

Year Two

The friendly guy:

The Friendly Guy — he who said he’ll ‘always be there for you’ — will start to wander. He’s got new, male friends. But he’s not ditching you, and he’s not gay. It’s just that guys aren’t hung up about friends the way girls are —he’s just being his usual, friendly self. It’s not personal, and you’ll be hard-pressed to find a truer friend than he.

The special guy:

Either one of you would have made your move by now (it’s nice to live in this liberated age and time, isn’t it?), and things are purring along nicely. Still, things should not be physical between the two of you yet. Be patient, will you!

The dangerous guy:

He’s still as dashing as ever, although you don’t feel faint every time he smiles at you anymore. Keep your guard up, though!

Year Three

The friendly guy:

Here’s a secret: guys are naturally logical people, and can do very well in science or mathematical subjects if they put their minds to it. You’ll find a friendly guy invaluable if you’re weak in an area like this during your exam year.

The special guy:

Trouble may be brewing as the pressure bears down on both of you. Your relationship can either grow from this experience, or flounder. The best advice we can give is to put all matters of the heart on the backburner for this time, until the Finals have gone and sanity and order return.

The dangerous guy:

If he’s still there (they’re usually seniors), he could pull the good ol’ “Would you like some help with that sum?” trick on you as a last gasp effort. Don’t fall for it.

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Risky diet.

A healthy body…

…makes for a healthy mind — Clichéd, we know, but true. Now that Mom has stopped fussing over you (you asked for it!), and home-cooked food seems like a distant memory, it’s really up to you to take care of yourself. Hey — growing up has its price, you know.

Three years is a long time to go without a proper diet and healthy lifestyle. You’re in danger of picking up several bad habits in college that could stay with you for life if you’re not careful — smoking, for instance. And snacking. And sleeping.!

Year One

Physical:

You will struggle to come to terms with the fact that a) there is no food like Mum’s food, and b) you actually miss the twice-weekly Phys Ed. class at school. Try to keep up some sort of exercise regimen.

Mental:

Your future will never seem bleaker than it does in your first year at college. Your life is in your hands, now. How will you get by? A scary thought, of course, but you mustn’t let it weigh too heavily on your mind. Try to enjoy college instead of hating it, and you’ll find the pressure a lot easier to deal with.

Emotional:

Apart from the fact that you’ve just lost all your friends from school, your family is treating you a little differently, too. You’re not Daddy’s Girl anymore (well, not for much longer, anyway), and you kid brother has stopped annoying you. Keep smiling. This emotional slump is only temporary.

Year Two

Physical:

By now, you should be more or less settled in with your new way of life. The good: you don’t miss Mum’s cooking as much. The bad: you’re comfortable, and therefore, vulnerable to bad influence. This is the year you’re most likely to pick up smoking, so don’t.

Mental:

The Finals are still a year away, and though the thought of failing them does cross your mind, you don’t seriously believe you could. Or could you? You will be plagued by self-doubt this year, and must avoid the trap of low self-belief. Keep your chin up!

Emotional:

You’ve got new friends and your family is honourably supportive of you. You may even have a special someone in your life. Great! But remember to keep up your grades. The best friends in the world won’t be able to make you feel good about yourself if all you’re managing are Cs and Ds!

Year Three

Physical:

Yes, you’ve put on a few pounds. But it’s nothing serious. As your exams get closer though, the quality of your diet tends to deteriorate (like you didn’t know that). Remember: Healthy Body = Healthy Mind. You need to eat well if you’re to study well!

Mental:

Often, the most challenging part about major exams is facing them. What you have to tell yourself now is that you have nothing to be afraid of. How could a bright girl like you be scared of a silly exam paper? Pah! No fear!

Emotional:

The pressure is really going to be building up around you. Your happy-go-lucky friends suddenly aren’t smiling anymore, and all your Mum seems to talk about are Your Exams. Repeat after me: I will not crack under stress.

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

College friends... 15 years after college.

What are friends for…

…if not to make your college life one big, exciting joyride, right? Especially if your friendship dates back to your pre-Barbie doll youth!

But here we must warn you to brace yourself for disappointment. Friends at school rarely remain friends in college, and it is perfectly natural for both of you to find new people to hang out with. Sometimes, it’s because both of you chose different things you want to do; sometimes, it’s because your parents’ dictated different colleges for you should go to. But mostly it’s because you’re both growing up and out of each other. It’s sad, but not terrible. The bright side? You get to make new friends all over again!

Year One

Your clique:

… is nonexistent as yet. Strange classmates and strange lecture halls make you think that you’ll remain friendless for the rest of your sorry, sad life. Don’t worry, though; things get better. Trust us when we say that the other girls (and boys!) around you feel just as bewildered as you do.

Your best friend:

Er, you don’t have one anymore. In all likelihood, she’s in another college, making other friends. How could she! But stay positive and, most importantly, make the first move. Your classmates have just lost their best friends, too; and, like you, they’re looking for replacements.

Your teachers:

College teachers are nothing like the boring stiffies in your ex-school. It’s easy to make a friend or two in them, and we recommend doing so.

Year Two

Your clique:

You’re unbelievably trendy, fashionably hip, a regular Pop Princess among your classmates. You hardly think about the friends you left behind and life looks quite pretty. Finally, you’ve got a cool clique again!

Your best friend:

Found her yet? Good. But be careful: its early days still, and you’ve only known each other for a year. Things can turn sour in a hurry if you’re not careful. It’s important that the two of you still keep at least some parts of your life private… at least for another year.

Your teachers:

Start making your popularity count. Join clubs and societies and vie for the top posts (they’ll look really good on your CV). Teachers love students that volunteer for these positions!

Year Three

Your clique:

“Friends that study together pass together” they used to say. This crucial period is when your friends and you need each other most. All of you will have a pet subject, and you’ll all have a hate subject. Why not exchange notes and help each other out?

Your best friend:

If she’s still the same person, then you are firm buddies by now. The two of you can support each other in ways that the rest of your clique cannot; so stay in close contact, even during semester breaks — you’ll need it!

Your teachers:

All that kissing up over the past two years will really pay off now, and you can hassle your teachers into giving you additional tutorials if you need them. See? Being a teacher’s pet pays after all!

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Off to college!

So, you’re out of school

…and off to college. Congratulations! Order a pizza! Treat yourself to a tub of Haagen Dazs.

But wait — isn’t college just a different type of school?

Well, yes and no. Yes, you’ve got loads to study, and it isn’t going to be easy, either. But hey! — you don’t need to wake up at six in the morning anymore, classes are thoughtfully interspersed with snack breaks and you get to meet a whole bunch of cool people.

Best of all, you’ve seen the last of that awful uniform!

Year One

Freedom:

Your newfound freedom is going to take some getting used to, but are we going to tell you to behave yourself? Nah! Have fun, by all means! Just remember what you’re in college for, and don’t miss too many classes ;).

Money

It’s easy to get caught up in the fashionista race in college, and you’ll want to be hip at all times. But whatever you do, don’t use the college fees your parents are slogging for. If you insist on only the best styles, get a part-time job.

Independence

You also have to start taking charge of your own life, now. No one is going to punish you for not finishing your homework, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to do it. (Most of the time, anyway).

Year Two

Freedom:

If you partied all through Year One, now is when you should wizen up. No more late weeknights and missing class the next day.

Money

By now, you’ve probably realised that there is no such thing as easy cash — you’ve learned one of life’s bitterest lessons. Good for you! Now, why not start saving a little towards the semester hols?

Independence

Start asking yourself how far behind you are in your studies, and take measures to curb your lag. Get to know your library better. No more doodling whilst your lecturer explains the wonders of Keynesian economic theory. And absolutely no more SMSing at tutorials!

Year Three

Freedom:

Typically, this will be Exam Year. You shouldn’t be going out much at all — yes, that means no shopping and no clubbing. College is about studying, nor partying.

Money

Anxiety is murder on the pocket, as you start drowning your exam fear in Chachos and (admit it) chocolate. Then again, you should be saving on your shopping binges. Keep a loving eye on your savings, and add to it — it’s going to be your reward for getting through this tough period.

Independence

Remember how teachers used to give you reams of sample test papers in school when your exams were round the corner? They served a purpose, you know. This time around, though, you have to plan your own training schedule. Good luck!

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Career opportunities await.

Tired of being the flunky at work? Time to get your act together and start playing to win!

Nothing was going right for Alice. She’d been hired as Junior Copywriter three years ago. Drafted into a growing advertising agency, she saw it expand to nearly twice the size it was when she joined. Yet, she had never been asked if she’d be interested in a promotion. Instead, she watched three men and one woman take up the position of Senior Copywriter, and all left the company within a year.

Finally, after all those doughnut lunches and midnight dinners, she handed in her resignation. Not because she had found another job, but because she was so frustrated at playing second fiddle.

“As junior copywriter, I got no credit,” says Alice, 26. “If my ideas were good, they’d be approved to show to clients. And if the clients liked them, then they’d become successful ad copies. But I never got any credit for it — the glory always went to the so-called ‘team leader’, which was the Senior Copywriter, of course.”

When the management received her resignation, they didn’t make much of a fuss because they didn’t realise the talent they were losing. They didn’t know that Alice was the creative spark behind so many campaigns, because she never got recognition for her work. And so the company lost a valuable mind, and Alice probably lost a sterling career in a growing organisation.

It’s called playing second fiddle, being the lackey, being the cog in someone else’s wheel: as long as you keep turning, they keep moving. But there are reasons why you find yourself in this position, and there are ways to get out.

Why you’re here

Although a CBS News poll suggests differently, experts generally agree that most of the time, a woman’s career is held back primarily because of herself. According to Cathy Goodwin , PhD, author, speaker and career coach, there are five things that could be getting in the way of your moving up at work:

1. Not finding out

   …whether the position is available in the first place, or if the title and salary advertised is negotiable. Companies often don’t have the budget to move people up a rung arbitrarily, so it could simply be bad timing.

   What you can do about it:

   “Before you enter a negotiation, find out if there are restrictions on what you can get,” says Goodwin. “For instance: if a job is advertised at a certain title and salary, some companies will not negotiate beyond what is formally posted. If your company has a limit on raises, you can’t get more unless your boss jumps through a lot of hoops.”

2. Not knowing the company’s direction

   …and assuming that the position must be there because someone had it last week. It could have been made redundant, or it could be that they have taken its role and made it someone else’s responsibility. It’s not very fair, but it’s not your fault, either.

   What you can do about it:

   “Companies reward people for doing what the company wants,” says Goodwin. “If the company’s values conflict with yours, you have a decision to make.”

3. Not documenting your contributions

   …to the company. People have a short memory, and few HR departments keep track of employee successes. Most are only interested in employee failures.

   What you can do about it:

   “Write down every little success that contributes to the bottom line of your company or division,” advises Goodwin. “How has your work helped your boss get his or her accomplishment? Show how your job has increased sales and (hopefully) profit, saved time and/or money, or somehow added value.” Goodwin also warns that if you have a job with no measurable contribution to the bottom line, then you should start thinking about a career change.

4. Misjudging the boss

   …can severely hamper your chances of breaching the subject of getting promoted. Different bosses have different negotiating styles — some bosses like people to challenge them, some prefer written documents, others face-to-face conversation, others e-mail. And most bosses need some higher authority to approve promotions or raises.

   What you can do about it:

   You need to make it easy for your boss to make a case for you when approaching his boss. When applying for a promotion, make your case in the cover letter so your boss can ‘sell’ you.

5. Being unsure about yourself

   …makes you unfocused and incapable of appearing confident about what you want. What’s your market value? Are you ready to move for more money? Do you have other options if this doesn’t work out?

   What you can do about it:

   “If you know your bottom line, you will have the quiet confidence that communicates nonverbally,” says Goodwin. “If you are not marketable, do the best you can with this go-around and then begin to consider a career or job change. Or, find ways that you can become more marketable on the job, such as courses or classes.”

Politicking your move up

Being an Assistant Something-or-the-Other does not exclude you from the politics of your workplace. As Susan Roane, keynote speaker and best-selling author of The Secrets of Savvy Networking says: “Waste not one moment lamenting about the horrible politics in your firm, company or association. There is no gathering of three or more persons that is free of politics.”

Although the game gets tougher the higher you get, even the most menial position at your office is subject to political influences. And changing jobs is not the answer.

“Some people sincerely believe that if they change jobs or firms, the politics will go away and they’ll live happily ever after,” says RoAne. “It isn’t true of marriages; why should it be true of work?”

Not being politically savvy can affect your chances of a promotion in more ways than one, according to RoAne.

“Office politics has taken a rap from people who don’t get the plums,” she says. “No one complains about politics who has been the beneficiary of some savvy actions.”

These are some of the perceptions your colleagues may have of you, and what you can do to counter them:

1. You lack career management skills

   …and have no clue as to what to do next. Anyone who wants to go anywhere must have a plan, a roadmap to get there. If you appear content to stay where you are and bitch about it, your boss will think that you’re headed nowhere… and no one likes a corporate nomad.

   Change this perception by:

   Firstly, getting to know Who’s Who. This is very crucial, because there are some whose opinions count, and other’s who don’t. You want to make sure you work on the people who do. “Observe your colleagues, subordinates and supervisors,” suggests RoAne. “Who eats with whom? Who works out together? Commutes together?”

2. Being a loner rather than a team player

   …will not make you a successful leader.  People don’t know you well enough to want you to be in a position of power. Promoting you would be a disaster to the team, since no one else will understand why you deserve the move.

   Change this perception by:

   Listening, says RoAne — to conversations in staff rooms, at clients’ and even in the washrooms. Some may describe this listening strategy as eavesdropping, but this ‘informal listening’ allows us to learn of birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, co-workers’ loss of loved ones and more, so we can take the appropriate steps to acknowledge these events. “If used properly, the office grapevine can be a powerful career aid,” insists RoAne. “It can provide you with a great deal of useful information, including rumours, many of which become fact.” With this information, you can very easily become more approachable at work, thereby increasing the number of people who think of you as a team player.

3. Being un-promotable

   …but why would anyone think that of you? You work hard, are committed and loyal and don’t take two-hour lunch breaks — what gives? Simply speaking, people just don’t think you have what it takes. You come across as someone who makes a good worker, but a lousy leader.

   Change this perception by:

   Reading the body language of your co-workers as names and assignments are mentioned. This is an almost foolproof way of learning about who works for the company, and who works for him/herself. Armed with this knowledge, you can now judge your colleagues better, and make suggestions to the bosses before work is handed out. They will appreciate your insight, and you go from dead-end worker to possible leader overnight.

Should you move on?

If you find that the reasons you’re stuck are far too many to be comfortably assailed, then it is time to think that maybe you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s one of those rare instances when it really isn’t your fault that you’ve not been promoted.

But do you want to move into another Assistant Something-or-the-Other position? Of course not! Still, even if other organisations are already waiting to sign up your services, there are some things to consider when moving out instead of moving up. Cheryl Ferguson, a recruiter and host of The Recruiter’s Studio, says that “while it is always flattering to be singled out for a lead on a great new opportunity, you can avoid a lot of surprise, heartache and frustration by doing your homework before making a move.”

Ms Ferguson has three suggestions about whether you want take up an offer or keep looking, and what to ask during the meeting stage before any dotted lines are signed:

1. Learn all you can about the company

   …because you want to at least make sure you’re interested in their line of business. Visit the company website. Find out about the top management, and ask around to see if they’ve been successful in the past. “Has the company raised money, won an award, or signed an exclusive agreement with a key business partner?” asks Ferguson. These are things you’ll want to know before meeting them.

   At the pre-job meeting you should:

   Find out what the people on your team think about the company. They’re probably going to say it’s all good, so go one step further and ask them how long they’ve been with the company — always a good indication of how high the staff turnover is, and therefore whether people are generally happy working there or not. You should also find out what the expectations are for the role, because you don’t want to be unpleasantly surprised with unrealistic goals or with resolving a lot of issues your predecessor left behind. “Ask if there are staff, a budget and timeline in place to meet those expectations,” Ferguson advises.

2. Get a sense of the company culture

   …and the unspoken rules that exist there. If possible, try to get hold of an ex-employee of the organisation before your meeting, and ask whether the management encourages open discussion or prefers quiet subservience. Find out whether people are promoted on merit or longevity and how amenable the managers are to employee concerns. “What’s the company’s reputation like?” asks Ferguson. “And, does it possess the kind of environment you can thrive in?”

   At the pre-job meeting you should:

   Find out about your prospective immediate boss, and what his or her management style is like — hands-on or hands-off? This is especially important, so that you get a feel for the person whom you’ll have to go to for a promotion in the future. Also, how long has he or she been with the company? This is an indication of how much informal clout he or she has within the organisation, which can help your career tremendously if you play your cards right.

3. Contact the local chapter of the industry association

   …whatever that may be. This is especially important if you are new to the industry. Ferguson suggests that you try to attend the association’s next meeting and introduce yourself at it, explaining why you’re there. If possible, you should try and find a representative from the company you’re considering joining and talk to them about their work. “Again, the questions are: how long has he or she been working there? Does he or she enjoy it? Why?” says Ferguson.

   At the pre-job meeting you should:

   Discuss the company’ business and industry as openly as possible, and try and get them to say something negative about it — there is no such thing as a perfect company or business to be in. If the interviewers seem reluctant to disclose details about the company’s performance (if it’s a privately held company) or are unwilling to discuss its poor showing in the last quarter (if it’s a publicly held company), then you shouldn’t be too enthusiastic about joining them — you could wind up at another dead-end, and play second fiddle all over again.

1. 

   Screw him.

   Have pity on him

   Yes, I know it’s hard to pretend that you dumped him. But a spot of positive affirmation can put things in a surprisingly comfortable perspective. Start talking to people about how you were dating him because he was on the rebound — i.e., you took pity on him — but that he has some ‘issues’ that he has not yet sorted out.
   Your quote: “I do hope he sorts his problems out, because he’s in a real mess, you know? The poor guy!”




2. Become an enigma

   It would be easy to hit the club circuit and let everyone know that you’re single and available again, and that you’re actively seeking some companionship. Perish the thought. Instead, become an enigma, an unsolved riddle — no one knows whether you’re still with him or not, and even if they do, it won’t matter because you’re not acting desperate. Your dignity remains intact and, better yet, mysterious women always get the better scores anyway.
   Your quote: “Now, when was the last time I saw him…? You know, I just can’t remember. Why do you ask?

3. How to Give an Acrylic Nail French Manicure.

   Buff up your nails

   Sometimes, the best therapy is TO simply pampering yourself with some unnecessary indulgence which reminds you who the most special person in the world is: You. A manicure is good, but a pedicure thrown in is even better.
   Your quote: “Oh, him? I don’t know really. I’m just thinking about my nail-job right now — aren’t they lovely?”

4. Go public

   Talking about your pain is often the easiest way to get rid of it, which is why we love chatting on the phone so much. But what makes this form of psychotherapy even more effective is going public with it… and showing the world how you have moved on since the break-up. Think radio, TV or even writing to this mag. Guess who’ll be watching and fuming as you turn him into an irrelevant statistic, a number, a faceless man now part of your history?
   Your quote: “What I learned from going out with so-and-so is that your best friend always trumps your boyfriend.”

5. Check his friends out

   Nothing gets to a man’s ego more than women who are cool enough to still be friends with his mates even after he’s broken up with you. They find such maturity humiliating. Stay in touch with his buddies, and perhaps even have a few one-on-ones with the nicer guys to keep his mind busy and yourself happy. Who knows — maybe you had the right bunch of blokes but nailed the wrong knucklehead to begin with?
   Your quote: “Oh, yeah we’re through. But what are we talking about him for? Let’s talk about you.”

6. Accessorise!

   

   Accessories, accessories, accessories.

   True, nice jewellery costs money… money probably better spent on manicures and clothes. But cheap jewellery never hurt anyone, especially if you can afford to just use it once and throw it away. Besides, what would your next man buy you if you already had a pair of diamond-everythings?
   Your quote: “This pendant here kind of reminds me of him — see how it looks so nice? But under the surface, you know it’s cheap.”

7. Have a milk bath

   This might not be easy if you don’t have a bathtub of your own, but you can check out some simple spa centres that cater to women for special occasions — marriages and such — and they’ll do everything for you… including sponging you down! Now, could he ever make you feel so good? To do it yourself, pop into the nearest Body Shop.
   Your quote: “I do believe I’ve found the perfect substitute for a man’s embrace… and it’s much cheaper, too!”

8. Forget his number

   One of the biggest mistakes you can ever make is get in touch with him. How is he supposed to think you’re over him if you keep sending him SMSes at midnight? So, the first thing you should do if you’re set on making him history is delete his number from your mobile phone — you’ll forget it in no time.
   Your quote: “Now, where did I put his number…?”




9. Vacate your home

   Okay, so like the song says, everything reminds you of him. Your front door, where he once snogged you on the way out. The couch, where you spent so many nights watching movies and (ugh!) football. What to do? Go on a holiday, preferably a permanent one — leave your home, and come back when you’ve got him out of your system. Everything will seem neutral again, and you can get on with your life.
   Your quote: “Great! Now I can get away and not have to worry about who’s staying up for me.”

10. Go shopping

    Some things are best bought after break-ups. Like lingerie. And Little Black Dresses. And fishnet stockings, along with high-heels that show your toes. You know, the sort of stuff you wouldn’t feel comfortable getting if he was still with you. Well, now’s your chance!
    Your quote: “This bra, that dress, those earrings — smashing! It’s a pity he won’t see me.”

    
    
    

    Shopping with Kate Moennig.

11. Borrow a pet

    If there’s one thing that takes the blues away, it’s a pet that needs to be loved. Cat, dog, bird, iguana — it doesn’t matter. As long as it makes you feel better. The best part about them is that they never comment on the cellulite around your thighs. Just make sure you give it back when you’re done.
    Your quote: “You’re a lovey puppy, aren’t you? Yes, you’re a real cutie-pie, a cutie-sweetie, cutie-pie….”

12. Get awarded

    If you’ve never won anything in your life, now’s the time to do so. Winning recognition gives such a boost of confidence, it makes everything else in your life seem insignificant in comparison, ex-boyfriends included. Being crowned Pop Idol would be great. Otherwise, think karaoke contests, writing competitions or bagging the Best Dressed at the club.
    Your quote: “I really wasn’t expecting this. I’d like to thank the organisers, my Mum, Dad, the bartender, my pet snake, the waiter… (anyone except him).”

13. Revive your career

    Another well-tested and positive method of shaking a man out of your hair is diving into your career and setting some new goals for yourself… goals that don’t include him. You could change jobs, or do like the celebrities and simply start your own business — now, what would he say about that.
    Your quote: “I’m feeling really good about this decision, and am confident about pulling it off on my own.”

14. Party, party, party!

    No, we don’t mean hitting the club circuit, which would be in violation of #2 on this list. But throwing a private party — and not inviting him — will definitely charge you up. Better yet, have a girlie makeover party where everyone gets to look and act like movie stars. Hire make-up artists and photographers to make it real good. Send out invitations online!
    Your quote: “This party I’m throwing is going to be the best ever. No men allowed — parties are always better without them around, anyway.”

15. “Dear John…”

    Writing a letter is widely considered one of the best therapies around for sorting things out in your head. It works by putting all your problems onto paper for someone else, reading it over yourself, and realising that they’re not that big a deal after all. The trick is to not send it to him. It’s strictly For Your Eyes Only.
    Your quote: “Having read over what I’ve just written, I realise how lucky I am that it’s over between us.”

16. Watch action movies

    There is something about movies which star guys like Vin Diesel or The Rock that is so mind-numbingly stupid, you cannot help but forget about yourself for a while. The dialogue’s horrible, the plot’s pathetic and the acting is dumb. But it doesn’t make you cry, and all that violence gives you the chance to reflect on why being a woman is so wonderfully simple.
    Your quote: “I can’t believe I was dating someone that likes watching this kind of thing. It’s so stupid!”

17. Be a man

    Well, no, not really. But if you’ve been missing his handy hands around the house, then you really should learn to start doing stuff yourself — changing a lightbulb, putting up pictures, fixing a leaky tap. Take up a short D.I.Y. course, or, better yet, get a friend of his to teach you!
    Your quote: “I didn’t realise this was so easy. Why I ever needed a man to change a faucet washer for me, I don’t know.”

18. Get a facial

    Crying really takes its toll on your eyes, leaving them all puffy and horrid-looking. Getting a facial not only makes you look better, but helps you feel better, too. If you can’t afford to go to a professional for it, do it yourself!
    Your quote: “Don’t you think I look better ever since I left him?”

    
    
    

    Egg Mask Facial.

19. Do jigsaw puzzles

    Another very absorbing type of alone-time play is working on puzzles — 500 pieces, minimum. They require hours of concentration, and really do take your mind off everything else happening in your life. Best of all, when they’re completed you can frame them and hang them up where your old pictures of him used to be.
    Your quote: “I’ll hang this one of Big Ben right there at the stairs, and throw that old photo of him at Grand Station out.”

20. Box him up

    Sending gifts back to ex-boyfriends is an old-fashioned way of cutting off the last ties with them. It shows bitterness, and that’s not what you’re aiming for. Instead, gather everything he ever gave you — clothes, cards, earrings, movie ticket stubs, mugs — and put them all in a box. Don’t leave anything out. Then, seal it up and chuck into a back room where you’ll forget about it.
    Your quote: “I know I kept his stuff — for the memories, you know? — but for the life of me, I can’t remember where I put it!”

21. Get a medical

    This may seem odd, but a sure-fire way of convincing yourself that he has not killed you by breaking your heart is to get a full medical check-up. If everything is good to go, then you know that you’re alright!
    Your quote: “I’m doing great. My doctor says so.”

22. Learn a musical instrument

    

    It's easy to learn how to play the guitar.

    Picking up an easy-to-learn musical instrument is an excellent way of giving yourself something to do with all the extra time you now have on your hands. Experts recommend the guitar or harmonica, since they’re cheap and portable. The best part is that you’ll need a musician to tutor you — see if you can get someone cute from the local live music bar.
    Your quote: “I’m learning to play all my favourite songs for my next boyfriend.”

23. Kick him out

    … of your system, that is. If you’ve got a lot of pent-up aggression you need to release, consider signing up for a martial-arts fitness regime like Kickboxing Dance classes or Masala Aerobics. You’ll be sweating him out from under your skin, and toning up that flab at the same time.
    Your quote: “If he were here, I’d show him how I really feel about our break-up.”

24. Meet his mother

    If you really want to irritate the hell out of him, take his mum out to a high-tea buffet. Mothers have a surprising propensity for recalling the most embarrassing moments in the children’s lives, and are usually more than pleased to have someone to talk about them to. At the end of it all, you’ll likely be laughing over him instead of crying!
    Your quote: “Really? He did that? (Laugh) Oh my God, he never told me!”

25. Don’t regret anything

    The cardinal rule of all break-ups is to live and let live. Move on with your life, and don’t mull over the months or years that you think you wasted in the relationship. No relationship is a waste of time, because every experience helps make us better people.
    Your quote: “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.”