Bad influence is everywhere.

That people change so much through the course of their lives is just one reason why friendships are put to the test so often. Our friends discover new interests that are different from ours, and soon, we have trouble relating to each other. What usually happens is that they will encourage us to take up their new interests too, thereby keeping the friendship going. But what happens when the things they want you to pick up go against all your principles? Do you compromise your morals to keep a friend?

It’s not often that you find the people you cherish in your life fall prey to the scourge of drugs or alcohol, but it does happen. And when it does, the stress that it puts on your relationship with them can be debilitating.

Aaron’s tale is a sad one. He and Adam had been friends for nearly twenty years when Adam lost himself in a bottle. Although Aaron and he had spent many a drunken night in bars together, there was always some sense to their binges, and it was never more than twice a week. But two years ago, Adam began asking Aaron to hit the bottle with him almost every night.

“I would never say no to Adam, so I went along with it,” says Aaron quietly. “But after a couple of weeks, I had to start turning him down. But even then, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. It was just because I couldn’t keep up with him.”

But why the change in Adam? Nothing had changed in his life. There was no tearful break-up with a girlfriend, no one had died in his family and his business was thriving. Aaron reckons that Adam had simply picked the bottle up once too often, and suddenly found it hard to put down. He makes no guesses as to what made Adam the alkie he had become, but he did know one thing: their friendship was definitely on the rocks.

Buddy, don’t preach

Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, reasons that how we see others is often determined by how much we share their values.

“Typically, we get along with people that share certain interests,” says Wano. “But individuals that share our values are the ones that become our closest companions.” Any decisions that Aaron makes regarding Adam’s behaviour will be based on how much Aaron values their friendship.

“You certainly want to be there for your friends and help them cope with their problems, whether it is with drugs or alcohol or some other terrible habit,” says Mr Wano. “But they must be willing to help themselves; they need to value your support.”

That was what was wrong with Aaron’s friendship: Adam didn’t recognise that there was a problem. As far as he was concerned, getting sloshed virtually every night was just ‘unwinding’.

“I loved him so much, and I hated to see what he was becoming,” says Aaron. “But he wouldn’t listen to me. I felt like strangling him.”

Bill Cottringer, a socio-cultural researcher and author of You Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too,, does not think anyone will have much luck in preaching about positive changes to people like Adam. But he does think that ‘living right’ and remaining a friend and role model can bring about some good.

“Your actions will always outspeak your words,” says Mr Cottringer. “Everyone is evolving morally and developing themselves at different paces. We all have to do this on our own schedule.”

But what is ‘living right’, after all?

The value of values

Maryanne and Adeline were once good friends in college. They double-dated and stuff, and had a lot in common. When Adeline had her first one-night stand, Maryanne giggled along with her as she recounted her adventure. But it was half-hearted, full of misgiving and fear.

“I didn’t approve of it,” says Maryanne, 25. “I’d always thought of Adeline as a very reserved girl, so it came as quite a shock when she told me about her affair. I found myself questioning my friendship with her.”

Maryanne decided to overlook the whole thing and pretend it never happened, because there was still so much to like about Adeline. But when it happened again a few months later, Maryanne couldn’t help but cry.

“Always stick to your values,” write Graham and Julie, advisors and founders of Desktop‑Meditation.com. “They are yours and no one else’s. When you forget your values a voice goes off in your head that says, ‘You shouldn’t have.’ You would have destroyed your equilibrium, and entered a world that is not yours but someone else’s.”

Values are becoming scarce. Seriously.

Still, Maryanne remained silent over the whole thing. Then one night, when they were celebrating the end of the semester, she witnessed Adeline in action at a disco. She felt uncomfortable, to say the least. Maryanne had no choice but to talk to Adeline about how she felt right there.

“She didn’t take it well, and told me it was none of my business how she lived her life,” says Maryanne. “That hurt a lot.”

According to Graham and Julie, the more you want to live according to your values, the more you will be tested and the more you will learn.

“It may be difficult to watch friends slide into a different world, treating you differently because you refuse to be drawn into it too,” they say. “But success and freedom can only come by being true to your own values.”

It would have been easy to succumb to the exciting lure of free sex, but Maryanne chose not to. Slowly, she dropped out of their circle of friends completely, banished as a ‘stiffy’ that ‘didn’t know how to have fun.’

“It wasn’t easy to do,” says Maryanne. “But I asked myself a simple question: would I be able to live with the guilt of having thrown away all the morals that my parents struggled so hard to teach me just because of my friendship with Adeline? The answer was No.”

Friends and acquaintances are not the same. The former are firmer, more important relationships that you need to nurture and pay attention to. But the latter you can afford to lose. Mr Wano’s advice is simple: if you find yourself sharing similar interests, but are constantly at odds over values (in Maryanne’s case, this would be Adeline’s casual attitude towards sex), you may need to reclassify those friends as acquaintances.

Aaron still keeps in touch with Adam, but in his heart he knows that their friendship is wasting away. He has stopped trying to tell Adam to lay off the drink, because it was becoming an issue between them — Adam loves Aaron, but doesn’t take too kindly to his advice.

“Is my friendship with Adam worth all this trouble?” says Aaron. “You bet. And that’s why I’ve not had a drink with him in over a year. I think I’m a better friend by not encouraging his habit.”

Girlfriends are the worst friends

Sometimes — not often, but sometimes — you are faced with choosing to keep or lose a friend through no fault of anyone but yours: you made a bad friend. A perpetual whinger, perhaps. Or a high-street drama queen. Or, like Peggy, an insufferable storyteller.

“Looking back now, I don’t know why I became friends with her in the first place,” says Sandra, her ex-best-friend.

At first, Peggy seemed very exciting. The stories she told of her conquests with men, with her career, with her exercise regimen — they all sounded like true-life accounts, and Sandra felt like she could learn a lot from her. As it turns out, though, most of her tales were lies. Yet even after Sandra began to suspect that Peggy was prone to stretching the truth a little now and then, she continued hanging around her.

“She was immensely popular,” mulls Sandra. “She always knew what the hottest gossip was — I say knew, as in ‘knew’,” she continues, making the double inverted comma sign with her fingers.

But a lot of the gossip Peggy passed around had no basis to it whatsoever. If she saw two people together, she would say, “They’re sleeping together.” If a lecturer spoke to a student alone, she’d say, “He failed his exams, you see?” Peggy seemed to thrive on making the lives of others a soap-opera she was directing.

Like everyone else, Sandra thought she was the only one excluded from the harsh untruths of Peggy. Until one day, a girl came up to her and asked her if she really was a part-time call-girl — she’d wanted to interview her for an assignment.

“I was stupefied,” Sandra says. “I asked her where she heard that piece of lies from, and she pointed me to another girl, who pointed to another girl, who pointed me to Peggy. It hurt so much to think that someone I regarded as one of my best friends had done that to me.”

Of course, Sandra confronted Peggy and asked her what was going on. But Peggy was nonchalant about the whole thing — she said she was only joking, adding a little spice to everyone’s lives. What harm could come of that?

“With people like her, you always think that you are her confidante, her so-called ‘best-friend’,” Sandra says, again with the double inverted commas. “But if she can bitch about others that way to you, you can bet that she has no problem bitching about you to others.”

Sandra walked away from the friendship. And Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, does not think she could have done any better.

“There is little debate here,” he says. “Negativity is like gravity; both work equally hard to bring things down.”

You whinge, I whinge, we all whinge

Although liars are easy to fall for and easy to break away from, complainers are a lot trickier to deal with. There is nothing inherently wrong with the way they live their lives or the way they live up as friends. But there is something downright depressing about having them around. They are a wet blanket wherever you go, a damper of spirits no matter what the occasion.

Phillip and Richard have been friends for six years, but the two 28-year-olds couldn’t be more different. Phillip is an optimist, gung-ho about his opportunities in life and relaxed in every crisis that strikes. He does not let much get him down for long, and in his words, he “fights hard to keep his spirits up in the face of adversity.”

“I learned that line from a sales talk I attended,” he grins.

Richard is quite the opposite. Although he starts off looking for the bright side to everything, it is not long before he is blinded by the dark. He’s a perennial job-hopper and has had six jobs in the last four years. He starts off every one with a positive attitude, but within the first few months, his enthusiasm wanes and he is soon reduced to a sighing heap of gloom just waiting for his next pay day.

“He complains about everything,” says Phillip. “At times, I think he must be worse than a woman, he bitches so much.”

Richard complains about his bosses and company — nothing wrong about that. But he also complains about his younger sister, and his mother, and his father, and his car, and his credit card bills, and the government, and the airport authorities, and the….

“You cannot put an end to that list,” Phillip says. “He really does complain about everything.”

Yet he’s not like that with everyone — only his very closest friends get to see the ‘real Richard’.

“When he’s around others, I always notice that he’s very upbeat and zealous,” says Phillip. “But it’s a sham, really. In a way, I suppose that makes me special, because I am one of the few folk he feels completely at ease with.”

What makes it bad is that when Richard comes visiting, he brings his melancholy with him. And like a cloud, it descends upon the room and depresses Phillip, too. The negative energy surrounds him. He fights it as best he can, but sometimes, Phillip really cannot help but to wish he had not come.

Bill Cottringer, a socio-cultural researcher and author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too suggests that with people like Richard, you take a specific situation and give them some detailed feedback about how they could approach something differently and get better results.

“First, create a non-defensive climate in which you acknowledge that everyone feels this way now and then,” says Mr Cottringer. “Then say that if you have a valid criticism to offer, take some more time and instruct them how they may do something differently to get better results.”

Phillip says he won’t desert Richard just yet. Although he’s got a lousy air about him, he’s a good guy at heart, and that’s what counts.

“He’s a depressing chap to be around,” says Phillip. “But I’ve been in jams before, and he’s always been there to help me out. He’s just a pessimistic complainer, and I think that makes the friendship I give to him all the more valuable.”

Drama queen’s last hurrah

Possibly the worst kind of friend you could make — and probably the easiest to ditch — is a drama queen who lives for her next crisis… and ropes in those who are with her to participate in the scene.

“If I wanted publicity, I would have become an actress,” says Winnie, 23. “My friend insists on making a hullabaloo about the smallest thing. Once, she found an ant in her drink. She screamed. The waiter ran to her to see what the matter was, and she positively yelled at him!”

According to her, Winnie’s friend was not really scared. But the incident gave her the opportunity to make a scene. She grabbed it. She started talking loudly to Winnie, trying to get her involved. But all Winnie wanted to do was leave.

“I never hated her more than then,” says Winnie. “I wouldn’t have minded a private word with the manager, but she really overreacted.”

Mr Wano can only offer a little tongue-in-cheek advice that may very well be the answer to all of us who are terrified of being in Winnie’s position one day.

“Offer a little cheese with your friends w(h)ine, or find a king for your drama queen,” he says. “Both may help to reduce your stress levels.”

These days, Winnie spends as little time as possible around her ‘royal’ friend. Of course, this has given her even more opportunity to dramatise her life by bitching about Winnie, but she doesn’t mind.

“Soon, she’ll get bored of talking about how stuck-up I am and move on to something more exciting,” Winnie says. “So what? At least I’ll still be sane.”

Caught in the middle of love and friendship.

When Jamie (not the one who works here at Chicktimes.com!) was sixteen, she was the only one without a boyfriend in her clique. Whenever they group-dated, she was always the odd one out. So when her friends suggested that they try to hook her up with someone, she readily agreed.

Unfortunately, the bloke they found her for their next group date turned out to be a complete jerk. His name was Chris, and he was the kind of guy who is great to know as long as he was not talking about you. He spotted every flaw about you, and delighted in joking about it for the benefit of everyone else. Everyone thought Chris was powerfully observant and wonderfully perceptive. Everyone, that is, but Jamie.

In the end, Jamie did leave her clique. She drifted among other cliques in school for a while, but gladly, the rush of preparing for her final year distracted her so much she did not feel lonely at all. By the time her exams were over, she hardly thought about the friends she’d left behind.

“Within an hour of us meeting, Chris had already commented on my pimples, my broad forehead and my skinny ankles,” recalls Jamie. “I mean, how is anyone supposed to like a guy like that?”

So although her other friends all liked Chris, Jamie hated him. He had bad body odour, picked his nose, was impolite in the company of girls and was generally so tactless that she felt she would cry. She wanted out. But Jamie’s so-called ‘boyfriend’ was very influential in their group. The old clique had evolved into one with new rules and new players. Everyone had a boyfriend, and the boyfriends generally called the shots — which movies to watch, which McDonald’s to sit in, which mall to hang out at.

The only way Jamie could dump Chris was if she dumped all her friends, too.

Single… and loving it

“Maybe it’s because I never truly appreciated them,” says Jamie, now a tax accountant. She had only known them a couple of years (she was transferred to the school from out of town), so it’s not like they were lifelong friends anyway. She has long since forgotten about what happened, although she still has ‘Chrisaphopia’: a terrible fear of anyone that speaks, acts or looks like the Chris she had to date back then.

Ironically, all of Jamie’s friends broke-up with their boyfriends eventually (they were only sixteen, after all). It seems a shame that their friendship had to come to end so easily. Not so with Farah, a 25-year-old website designer, who fought tooth and nail to have her cake and eat it too. Whereas Jamie had to choose between her friends and a love affair she could do without, Farah faced the conundrum of deciding between the man of her dreams and her best-friend of fifteen years — not an easy decision to make.

“A lifetime friend is exponentially more valuable than a temporary lover,” says Michelle Casto, a WholeLife Coach and author of the GetSmart! (www.getsmartseries.com) series of books. “Friendship in its truest essence can touch our souls in a way that is pure and uncomplicated.”

But Jeremy, whom Farah was dating and was even considering marrying, was no jackstraw. He was good-looking, successful and very kind. She was deeply in love with him, and thought him perfect in every way. But her best-friend Nicole did not think him right for her and said so. At first, Farah merely laughed off her disapproval. But then Nicole did the unthinkable: she put their lifelong friendship on the line and asked Farah to choose — handsome lover or lifelong friend?

Farah was understandably distraught. She didn’t want to lose either person in her life, and faced with such a decision, she very nearly succumbed to a bout of depression. “I kept putting off talking about marriage with Jeremy because I kept hoping Nicole would lighten up,” says Farah. “But how long could I do that for?”

Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, philosophises over this common conflict among friends, saying that “love is found in our hearts, not in our heads.”

“We should not judge a book by its cover, and we should not judge our love interests by our friends.”

Nicole thought that Jeremy was only trying to marry Farah because of her family’s social status (she is the daughter of a very successful trading tycoon). She didn’t think he really loved her. But as Mr Wano says: “They say love is blind, and that should be a good thing. You should appreciate your friend’s opinions and concerns, but remember that it is your heart that you ultimately have to please.”

The better of two besties

No one should have to choose between two such beautiful things in life: friends or lovers. But Bill Cottringer, author ofYou Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too, suggests that you not be too quick to dismiss your friends’ advice.

“Always keep an open mind that they may be right, and ask for helpful details,” writes Cottringer in his book. “If they are mistaken, tell them in practical, detailed terms why they may be wrong. Always be appreciative of their concern as it is probably well-intended.”

Farah spent many sleepless nights turning over the two most important relationships in her life in her mind. On one hand, Nicole had always been there for her, through thick and thin. But Jeremy sent tingles down her spine, and her heart filled fit to burst whenever she thought of him. He was not pressuring her into saying Yes or No, patiently waiting for her to make up her mind. But she hadn’t spoken to him about her problem. He didn’t know that she wanted to say Yes with all her heart if not for Nicole’s ultimatum.

“I’d known Nicole all my life. It was not as if I could just forget fifteen years of friendship overnight,” Farah says.

In the end, Farah did marry Jeremy and, true to her word, Nicole never called her again. It seems comically juvenile when you stop and think about it. But Farah does not like looking into the past, and tears spring to her eyes whenever she thinks about Nicole and the friendship they shared over the years. Few friendships last through adolescence; fewer still last through adulthood. Farah is painfully reminded of the price she paid to be with her husband every time she sees another pair of girls giggling in hushed whispers in ladies’ lavatories or changing rooms, but she knows she made the right decision.

When it comes to love, you should let your heart be the storyteller and your mind be the stage, according to Mr Wano.

“Take in everything around you, from what you see in a potential love interest and what you hear from your friends,” he says. “Now close your eyes and open your heart — once you feel that a person is right or wrong for you, your head can make an informed decision.”

Can't buy yourself friends, oh no.

It is sad that our attitudes to moolah should change so much between childhood and adulthood. For some of us, the few things that money cannot buy aren’t worth having anyway. At least Jessie thinks so, and when she had had enough of a couple of her friends freeloading off her, she told them in no unsimple terms to take a hike.

“Of course, they started accusing me of being a lousy friend,” says Jessie, 24. “They said I was selfish. Can you believe that? After all those buffet lunches and Starbucks treats!”

Some of you may be jumping at her injustice right now, agreeing with Jessie’s friends: if she’s keeping count of those treats, then she isn’t sincere anyway. But Jessie argues that she didn’t really care about the money. Rather, she was upset at the way they did it: they would ask her out, and expect her to pay. Jessie didn’t mind at first — their boldness was endearing. But then, when she had to turn them down on a couple of occasions because of other appointments, they accused her of being tight-fisted. And that’s what really ticked her off.

“I think that that was when I realised that I was a friend of convenience,” Jessie says. “As long as I could treat them, I could be their friend. Otherwise, our friendship meant nothing.”

Such ‘useful’ alliances are not uncommon, especially in the city. People are always befriending other folk because they think they might get something out of it — a useful career contact, maybe. Help with the authorities. Business opportunities. No one can honestly say that they are not guilty of at least trying to get close to someone for their advantage at some point in their life. But if both parties know what the score is, then no one gets hurt. It’s when one party believes that she really has a true-blue friendship going that things can go sour.

Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, thinks that Jessie made the right move by ditching her friends, especially considering the way they took her for granted.

“The Beatles once sang, ‘Money Can’t Buy Me Love,’ and how right they were,” says Mr Wano. “If your friends are freeloading, they may also short-change the love and care you deserve. And you should never short-change yourself.”

Bill Cottringer, author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too, agrees, but thinks there is a little more to it: “People generally don’t like to talk about money matters, especially when they need to most,” he says. “You should approach this uncomfortable issue directly and assertively, sharing your values and inability to finance someone else, as you may be having a difficult enough time taking care of yourself!”

Can’t buy you friends, either

But what if the friendship is sincere, but the circumstances too demanding? Although friendships between two people of vastly different income brackets are rare, they do exist. Carol was best-friends with the wealthiest girl in her form throughout school. But when they started going to college, things got difficult. Zafina dined at posh lunch venues. Her make-up was Mac, and her shoes were Manolo’s. She could afford shopping every other day, and never went home without buying at least one new blouse.

Carol tried as best she could to keep with Zafina’s spending habits, but she soon found herself reduced to Chinese takeouts three times a day just one week after she got her monthly allowance. Every second week, she was forced to call her poor dad to ask him for more money. She is embarrassed to admit it, but she thinks that it was only then, at nineteen, when she really learned the value of money.

“Zafina was disappointed when I started having to turn down her extravagant proposals towards the middle of every month,” recalls Carol. “She went shopping with other rich girls, and I remember feeling very hurt about that. But she never ditched me.”

It turns out that their friendship was stronger than that. Although Carol did accept Zafina’s treats occasionally, she refrained from becoming the freeloader that Jessie’s friends were, and paid her back in kind whenever she could. Zafina soon learned to appreciate cheap breakfasts, found that she could do without a new blouse every week. All in all, she discovered the joys of the simpler things in life… all thanks to Carol.

“If your friends cannot see and enjoy the beauty of little things, all of the wealth in the world will still leave them empty,” says Mr Wano. “Memories are not material. When we think about the joyous times in our lives, more often than not, they are about the people we were with rather than where we were or what we were doing. Friendship is paid for with caring and love. Not money.”

A girl’s best friend

Carol says that there is no price on the friendship she shares with Zafina. It is one that has weathered many complications like this, precisely because they come from such different backgrounds. She is smart enough to recognise that whereas any most rich kids would have dumped her in favour of someone more their equal (financially, that is), Zafina didn’t. And there is no way you can put a price on that kind of loyalty.

“There will probably be more tests of our friendship in the future,” says Carol hesitantly. “But I hope we’ve passed the worst, and I’m very glad that she’s stuck by me.”

Not all stories like Carol’s end so happily, of course. In fact, if we put our minds to it, we can probably all remember being subtly rejected by someone who thought we’d never be able to live the life they do. Dealing with this rejection is especially hard when you know that it’s not really your fault you were not born wealthy — it makes it seem all the more unfair. But, putting things into perspective, those rich kids didn’t ask to be born wealthy, either.

In an ideal world, being a girl’s best-friend should have nothing to do with money. But history, culture and society combine to make us aware of the obvious cost of poor friendships, blinding us to their hidden value.

“Friends are good for you,” writes Michelle Casto, a WholeLife Coach and author of the GetSmart! (www.getsmartseries.com) series of books. “They make you laugh, give you hope and encouragement, and lighten the load of your life.”

Admittedly, some friendships are probably not worth a cent. But they still cost nothing to foster, making them one of the best things life has to offer.

“Friendship is free for the creating,” continues Ms Casto. “All you have to do to get a friend is to be one. And that special bond of friendship makes for a wonderful life.”

Can you choose between friends or family?

When we were young and our parents frowned upon our choice of friends, our first reaction was to jump to her or his defence. But then, we age. And the older we get the more prone we are to indifferent shrugs that are supposed to say, “Well Mom, I’m old enough to make my own choices now, okay?”

But if they continue to question your social circle, what can you do?

Friends and family

“I left home,” says Zachary, 22, a room-in college student. “I got tired of having my friends insulted by my mother’s stares whenever I brought them over that I decided to start working part-time to pay for my lodgings.”

His mother was hysterical about it, of course (what would your mom say?), but his father was very understanding, and even offered to support his first few months. Zachary turned his help down, and he’s doing okay… except that he has not spoken to his mother since.

Most parents out there will no doubt baulk at the audacity of young Zachary for choosing to leave his family rather than do without his friends, but Zachary is resolute. Yet Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, thinks that he may have made the wrong move.

“A common adage is, ‘You can pick your friends, but you cannot pick your family’,” says Mr Wano. “If, God forbid, you do have to make a choice, you should choose wisely.”

Mr Wano is of the opinion that family will always be there — or at least they should be — but that friends may not. Walking away from his only mother that way could be detrimental to Zachary’s relationship with her, and lead to more family problems in the future… whether his father supported his decision or not.

“She’s a nag,” says Zachary. “And overprotective. I am twenty-two now. Isn’t that old enough for me to make my own decisions?”

Zachary’s friends are punks… or at least they try to be. In reality, they all come from average middle-class families with intact marriages and a couple of siblings to bully. At college, they sport the styles of their hip MTV generation: long hairdos, hipsters and earrings. But at home, says Zachary, they are far less flashy and obtrusive.

“I tried telling my mum all this, but she won’t listen,” Zachary complains. “She never does!”

Mr Wano may think that family should always come first, but he doesn’t discount friends completely. Firstly, the family should genuinely care for you. Else, the equation is ruined.

“Hear what your friends have to say — they have your best interests in mind. Listen to what your family has to say — they have your best interests at heart,” Mr Wano theorises.

When family comes first

Of course, while many of us may wish we had the guts to do what Zachary did, we also know that it is a very big decision to turn our family away like that.

Claire, 20, is like many girls: she loves-but-hates her mother, does not really talk to her father much and generally prefers being with her girlfriends to staying at home. During her first semester, Claire hardly ever saw her family. She would leave for college first thing in the morning, and come back as late as possible in the evening. But when she had to, she still chose her family over her friends.

“It’s not that I didn’t like my family,” she says. “It’s just that I didn’t want to see them then.”

Even on weekends, Claire would leave notes saying she was going to be out working on group projects or putting some extra hours studying with her friends. But when the first semester break came, Claire found herself with nowhere to go at 7.30am. The prospect of breakfasting with her family for the first time in three months was intimidating, but it didn’t scare her. She hardly knew them anymore. But she also missed them. Claire remembers that first weekend she spent at home very fondly.

“Yes, Mom’s a nag,” Claire says, rolling her eyes but with a small smile on her lips. “But she takes good care of me. I do love her.”

“To be honest, I was very afraid at all I had missed,” Claire says. “My father looked so old to me all of a sudden, because I hadn’t really had a good look at him in so long. And my brother — he had long hair! They had all changed so much in three months.”

Soon, the new semester started and Claire went back to college. She was reunited with her friends, and spent the first week or so following her old schedule — leave at 7.30am, come home at 11.00pm. But then she realised she was making the same mistake.

“I didn’t want to miss a whole chunk of our family life like I did the last time,” says Claire.

Claire told her friends that she couldn’t hang out with them so much anymore, expecting them to understand. Instead, they harassed her — How long are you going to let your parents run your life for you? They are your past, but we’re your future! Claire was terribly upset.

“What they didn’t realise was that I wanted to spend more time with my family,” says Claire.

Bill Cottringer, author of You Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too and a socio-cultural researcher says that it is important to balance your time between work, friends and family — each deserves their share of your time.

“Be open and honest as to who needs you most at any given time,” says Cottringer. “And if you don’t have the time, say it assertively, never complaining.”

Claire faced off her friends and told them calmly that if she had to choose, she would choose her family. She also told them that their friendship meant a lot to her, and she hoped they wouldn’t force her into having to make a choice.

“They respected me for that,” says Claire. “And I think that our friendship has actually grown since then, because there is a lot more appreciation for each other, now. You can’t buy that.”

Friends Forever... for now.

Leaving school is ground zero for all of us. We all get the same starting point in life, and from then on, what we make of ourselves pretty much depends on us. And like everyone else, we think our friendships with our schoolmates will last forever.

That’s what Cathy believed a year ago. She was job-hopping with the youthful vigour of a 19-year-old alongside her best pal Emily from school when she discovered her talent for cosmetics sales. She found that she really enjoyed it despite the pittance she earned. For the first time, she chose to stay put on the job for a while… just to see how things panned out. Her best-friend Emily, however, quickly grew bored of selling lipstick and eyeliners, and continued her conquest of the classifieds.

As things turned out, Cathy didn’t have to live on peanuts for long before her salesmanship became the smooth, practiced spiel it is today. Her commissions soared, and she was soon earning a lot more than her best friend. And that’s when the trouble started: she could now buy better clothes, get better haircuts and go for better facials than Emily, and Cathy reckons that that was the beginning of the strain on their friendship.

“I don’t think it was the money,” says Cathy thoughtfully. “Emily’s not like that. But it could have been that my lifestyle was improving too fast for her. Maybe she envied me for that.”

Graham and Julie, partners and founders of Desktop-Meditation.com disagree. They think that in this instance, it’s not that Emily envied Cathy per se. She simply envied the fact that Cathy was focused enough and determined enough to succeed.

“Friends often want what you have, but don’t want to put in the work to be successful,” say the couple.

Over the next couple of years, things got steadily worse for their friendship. Emily did not progress much. She still changed jobs every six months, and had yet to settle into some sort of rhythm. Cathy, on the other hand, had been promoted twice. This meant they spent less time together, which of course didn’t help matters much.

Cathy felt that she was losing her best friend. And she was.

A friend in need

Cathy wasn’t happy about what was happening. She wanted to save her oldest friendship from dying, but didn’t know where to begin. If she preached to Emily about how she should get some focus in her life, she would come across as condescending. But if she ignored her, they would only drift further apart.

Bill Cottringer, author of You Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too and socio-cultural researcher opines that in a situation like Cathy’s, the best remedy is good old-fashioned love.

“Know exactly what you did to get where you are, and share your success secrets with your friends,” says Mr Cottringer. “Be humble and avoid bragging about your own good fortune.”

That’s exactly what Steven did when he started pulling too far ahead of his best mate, Jonathan. Both disc jockeys, the two friends lived, ate and worked together for three years before things started to go awry. Steven started landing all the good gigs and Jonathan was only getting scraps. Steven says he started sensing the edgy hostility in Jonathan’s voice one Saturday night, when they were working at two vastly different venues: he was at a prime club downtown, whereas Jonathan was doing a crummy house party. Jonathan called him an unprintable name, which was normal, except that the tone in his voice seemed to have some deeper undercurrent about it.

“I mean, I was riding on Lady Luck — that’s the only reason I was doing so well,” says Steven. “Jon worked hard, but he just wasn’t getting the breaks I was. I guess he thought it unfair that I should suddenly be doing so much better than he… especially since he was the better D.J.!.”

But Steven was not about to lose his best pal to a cruel twist of fate like that. He went to great pains to help Jonathan out. He asked him to stand in for him several times on busy nights, especially when the bosses were around, so that Jonathan could practice and show off his skills. He taught him how to speak more professionally to bar managers, so that he always left a good impression. He tried everything he could think of to get Jonathan more involved in his own career, and it paid off in the end. In a couple of months, Jon was feeling better about himself… and their friendship.

“It was a close call,” Steven recalls. “Jon’s a great guy, and I know he’d do the same for me. I’m glad it worked out.”

Pride and circumstance

Steven was met with angry recrimination the first couple of times that he tried to explain to Jonathan about what it was he wanted to do. They came close to blows before Jonathan backed off.

“He was very remorseful,” says Steven. “Sure, he envied my winning streak. But he was also man enough to admit that our friendship was more important than his pride.”

Their friendship is stronger than ever because of the near-split, and Steven is happy that he managed to both salvage their partnership and help someone out at the same time.

“I mean, that’s what friends are for, right?” says Steven flippantly.

Graham and Julie think that under the circumstances, Steven could have done no better.

“Instead of focusing on the envy, you ought to focus on your friends as beings,” say the couple. “Work with them to develop their motivation and what it is they want to achieve in their lives. As you work with them, they will gradually see their world changing and they will begin to taste success themselves.”

With that taste in their mouth, your friends will have their own sense of fulfilment, and your friendship would have passed a crucial test of worthiness. But Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, adds that although you should take interest in what your friends do and support them in their career decisions, you should never apologise for your own aspirations in life, even if it means losing a friend.

“If they are not going to support you during the good times, where will they be there during the bad?” he asks.

Cathy lost her best-friend because she hesitated to offer her a helping hand when Emily needed it most. She chose to ignore her inner voice, and got caught in the upward spiral of her career. But although she regrets losing their ten-year friendship, she does not think she’s to blame.

“Emily and I were once great friends, but we grew apart,” Cathy says. “I wish she had taken her career more seriously, but that’s not my fault. I don’t think it was I that lost her as a friend. I think she lost me.”

No one likes to choose. Graham and Julie say that the secret to keeping your friendship going in the face of the green-eyed monster is not to cut your friends off but to give them love and encouragement. But how?

“Simple,” they say. “By treating them as you always have.”