College Life: new freedom, new independence.

So, you’re out of school and off to college. Congratulations! Order a pizza! Treat yourself to a tub of Haagen Dazs. But wait — isn’t college just a different type of school? Well, yes and no. Yes, you’ve got loads to study, and it isn’t going to be easy, either. But hey! — you don’t need to… »

College life: fun, fun, fun!

Girls just wanna have fun and boys just wanna have sex. One of life’s dumbest axioms, but there is some truth to it. College changes your ideas of entertainment in a way nothing else can. You’re above eighteen, and discos are suddenly very real attractions. There’s Starbucks, too. And the movies. And… »

College life: study hard, study smart

If you thought high school was tough then wait till you sit through your first lecture on Fundamental Economic Theory. College can be a terrible shock if you’re not prepared for it (it was for us!), what with the gigantic books, humungous libraries, and — would you believe it? — more mathematics! But it’s not… »

College Life: boys, boys, boys

The trouble with boys is that they’re not much fun if they’re smarter than you. And college is positively chock-a-block full of smart alecs who really do believe what their Mum’s told them about the world being their oyster. In any case, there’s a pretty good chance that college will be your first experience of getting… »

College Life: your body, your health.

A healthy body makes for a healthy mind — Clichéd, we know, but true. Now that Mom has stopped fussing over you (you asked for it!), and home-cooked food seems like a distant memory, it’s really up to you to take care of yourself. Hey — growing up has its price, you know. Three years is a… »

College Life: New friends, new rules

What are friends for if not to make your college life one big, exciting joyride, right? Especially if your friendship dates back to your pre-Barbie doll youth! But here we must warn you to brace yourself for disappointment. Friends at school rarely remain friends in college, and it is perfectly natural for both… »

Fun lovin' in the sun!

Girls just wanna have fun…

… and boys just wanna have sex. One of life’s dumbest axioms, but there is some truth to it. College changes your ideas of entertainment in a way nothing else can. You’re above eighteen, and discos are suddenly very real attractions. There’s Starbucks, too. And the movies. And shopping.

But although everyone would like to get on in life by just having fun, it just doesn’t work that way (unless you’re a Hilton Heir, which doesn’t count). That’s not to say that you can’t have any fun — what would college be without it? But it must not get to the point when you’d rather sip on a latte than be at tutorial.

There is also the question of where to draw the line between entertainment and stupidity. Dancing the night away can be a lot of fun, but is quickly ruined by drugs or too much alcohol. The best way to know if what you’re doing is acceptable is to imagine Mum seeing you at it: will she be merely annoyed, or will she be break into tears? Annoyed is okay; tears are not.

Year One

Night heat:

You’ll be tempted to experiment, but we should warn you to stay away from full-fledged clubs (the kind with the largest dance floors and brightest lights) for now. Most of the time, they’re for above-21s anyway… and with good reason.

Day breaks:

This is more up your alley, and we encourage you to find ways to let off your steam during the day instead of the night during your first year. Think: shopping, Starbucks, movies and park outings.

“Me” time:

AThere is nothing like time alone to reflect and relax. We recommend settling into an alone-time routine throughout your days in college. Oh, and ‘Me’ time does not equal sleep time.

Year Two

Night heat:

The neon lights are calling you seemingly every weekend and the music never ceases to get you grooving. Now that you’re settled, feel free to party now and then… but only if you think you deserve it, and if you can afford it.

Day breaks:

These will seem pretty humdrum affairs to you by now, but they’re still important. Ideally, your clique should be more coffee-sippers than Margarita-guzzlers, too. It’s cheaper and (somewhat) healthier. Try to take the lead.

“Me” time:

This will possibly be your favourite way of unwinding by now, and that’s good for you. As long as you don’t start feeling lonely, you should continue this therapy as long as you can.

Year Three

Night heat:

Okay, sweetheart: time to shelve the dancing shoes and sequin skirt — the party’s over. Don’t feel sad, though. You’ll be partying more than ever when your Finals are over.

Day breaks:

Without the clubbing, do you see why these day breaks are so important? Even so: how much time do you have to while away at Starbucks if you still haven’t mastered Calculus yet?

“Me” time:

Now, it’s easy to start dealing with exam pressure by (over)sleeping it away, but this is not going to help you much in the big picture. Not enough sleep is bad, but too much can be devastating. It becomes a hard, terrible habit to kick. Try simple meditation exercises instead.

In the College Lifeseries:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Study, study, study

If you thought high school was tough…

… then wait till you sit through your first lecture on Fundamental Economic Theory. College can be a terrible shock if you’re not prepared for it (it was for us!), what with the gigantic books, humungous libraries, and — would you believe it? — more mathematics!

But it’s not impossible. It’s not even hard, once you get the hang of it. Yes, some of the concepts are a little tricky to grasp. And of course there probably is an easier way to say ‘How To Count’ than “Quantitative Methods”. But all you have to do is get past the first few hurdles of comprehension, and you’re on your way. Hey — if it really is that hard, where are all the college dropouts, eh?

Year One

Lectures:

Much as we hate to admit it, college lecturers really do know what they’re talking about. You, on the other hand, do not. Of course, this being your first year, you’re going to be tempted to doze in class as much as the rest of us and hope to catch up later. We won’t tell you not to, but won’t you at least try to pay attention now and then?

Tutorials:

The difference between tutorials and lectures is that the former is more discussion-based, whereas the latter is usually all one-way instruction. If you’re a super-learner, you could probably get by on lectures alone. But why be an arrogant fool?

Exams:

As in school, you’re not going to take any other exams apart from your Finals seriously. But this is a bad habit, and now that’s you’re all grown up, you should change it. All exams are important.

Year Two

Lectures:

These will have progressed from scarily interesting in the first year to agonisingly boring by now. More than ever, you will have to discipline yourself to make sure you attend every lecture — the tough subjects are always reserved for the second year of study.

Tutorials:

If you’re still cocky about your concentration skills at lectures, good for you. But our advice is to attend tutorials this year just to make sure that you’re on top of your game. And if you’re not… well, time’s getting short so you’d better buck up!

Exams:

These will not seem anything like what you remember. Questions will be tougher, and will test your knowledge on what you learned last year. Good refreshers, and if you do well, they do wonders for your self-confidence in the run-up to next year’s Finals.

Year Three

Lectures:

If you’ve been mucking around the past two years, then this year is going to seemingly rush by you leaving you asking yourself “Where did all that time go?” Do not miss anymore lectures. This is the year teachers offer their tips and advice for the Finals.

Tutorials:

Another thing you absolutely cannot miss anymore. This year’s tutorials will be crucial in preparing you for the finals, and are where you’ll likely get the best tips towards doing well on The Big Day.

Exams:

This is it. The Finale. The Big Day. “Where did the three years go?!” you scream. It doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that you focus all your energies into doing past-year sample exercises and clearing up concepts you’re unclear on with your lecturers. Unless you want to come back and do it all over again….

In the College Lifeseries:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Trouble brewing.

The trouble with boys…

… is that they’re not much fun if they’re smarter than you. And college is positively chock-a-block full of smart alecs who really do believe what their Mum’s told them about the world being their oyster.

In any case, there’s a pretty good chance that college will be your first experience of getting into a relationship… and all the difficulties that comes with it (what do you think all those broken-heart songs are for?). Not all boys are as nice as we’d like them to be, especially when they’re far away from home (i.e., foreign students are the ones you ought to be most wary of). But there are certainly a load of cute, intelligent boys that you can count on being your knight in shining armour should the need arise. The trick is to not rush into things.

Year One

The friendly guy:

Let’s face it: you’re no Jennifer Garner, so not every guy has to worship the ground you walk on. Some guys just want to be friends (seriously — we asked). During your first year, all males should be friends only. No exceptions.

The special guy:

Regardless of what you just read above, you will single someone out as the guy you’re most interested in. Perhaps he’s really smart. Or funny. Or a Beckham look-alike. Or whatever. But our stand remains the same: friends only.

The dangerous guy:

You’ll know this guy from the way he makes you — and every other girl in college — weak at the knees. Beware! Breathtakingly handsome and usually rich, he’s always on the prowl for ‘fresh meat’… and you’re perfect.

Year Two

The friendly guy:

The Friendly Guy — he who said he’ll ‘always be there for you’ — will start to wander. He’s got new, male friends. But he’s not ditching you, and he’s not gay. It’s just that guys aren’t hung up about friends the way girls are —he’s just being his usual, friendly self. It’s not personal, and you’ll be hard-pressed to find a truer friend than he.

The special guy:

Either one of you would have made your move by now (it’s nice to live in this liberated age and time, isn’t it?), and things are purring along nicely. Still, things should not be physical between the two of you yet. Be patient, will you!

The dangerous guy:

He’s still as dashing as ever, although you don’t feel faint every time he smiles at you anymore. Keep your guard up, though!

Year Three

The friendly guy:

Here’s a secret: guys are naturally logical people, and can do very well in science or mathematical subjects if they put their minds to it. You’ll find a friendly guy invaluable if you’re weak in an area like this during your exam year.

The special guy:

Trouble may be brewing as the pressure bears down on both of you. Your relationship can either grow from this experience, or flounder. The best advice we can give is to put all matters of the heart on the backburner for this time, until the Finals have gone and sanity and order return.

The dangerous guy:

If he’s still there (they’re usually seniors), he could pull the good ol’ “Would you like some help with that sum?” trick on you as a last gasp effort. Don’t fall for it.

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Risky diet.

A healthy body…

…makes for a healthy mind — Clichéd, we know, but true. Now that Mom has stopped fussing over you (you asked for it!), and home-cooked food seems like a distant memory, it’s really up to you to take care of yourself. Hey — growing up has its price, you know.

Three years is a long time to go without a proper diet and healthy lifestyle. You’re in danger of picking up several bad habits in college that could stay with you for life if you’re not careful — smoking, for instance. And snacking. And sleeping.!

Year One

Physical:

You will struggle to come to terms with the fact that a) there is no food like Mum’s food, and b) you actually miss the twice-weekly Phys Ed. class at school. Try to keep up some sort of exercise regimen.

Mental:

Your future will never seem bleaker than it does in your first year at college. Your life is in your hands, now. How will you get by? A scary thought, of course, but you mustn’t let it weigh too heavily on your mind. Try to enjoy college instead of hating it, and you’ll find the pressure a lot easier to deal with.

Emotional:

Apart from the fact that you’ve just lost all your friends from school, your family is treating you a little differently, too. You’re not Daddy’s Girl anymore (well, not for much longer, anyway), and you kid brother has stopped annoying you. Keep smiling. This emotional slump is only temporary.

Year Two

Physical:

By now, you should be more or less settled in with your new way of life. The good: you don’t miss Mum’s cooking as much. The bad: you’re comfortable, and therefore, vulnerable to bad influence. This is the year you’re most likely to pick up smoking, so don’t.

Mental:

The Finals are still a year away, and though the thought of failing them does cross your mind, you don’t seriously believe you could. Or could you? You will be plagued by self-doubt this year, and must avoid the trap of low self-belief. Keep your chin up!

Emotional:

You’ve got new friends and your family is honourably supportive of you. You may even have a special someone in your life. Great! But remember to keep up your grades. The best friends in the world won’t be able to make you feel good about yourself if all you’re managing are Cs and Ds!

Year Three

Physical:

Yes, you’ve put on a few pounds. But it’s nothing serious. As your exams get closer though, the quality of your diet tends to deteriorate (like you didn’t know that). Remember: Healthy Body = Healthy Mind. You need to eat well if you’re to study well!

Mental:

Often, the most challenging part about major exams is facing them. What you have to tell yourself now is that you have nothing to be afraid of. How could a bright girl like you be scared of a silly exam paper? Pah! No fear!

Emotional:

The pressure is really going to be building up around you. Your happy-go-lucky friends suddenly aren’t smiling anymore, and all your Mum seems to talk about are Your Exams. Repeat after me: I will not crack under stress.

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

College friends... 15 years after college.

What are friends for…

…if not to make your college life one big, exciting joyride, right? Especially if your friendship dates back to your pre-Barbie doll youth!

But here we must warn you to brace yourself for disappointment. Friends at school rarely remain friends in college, and it is perfectly natural for both of you to find new people to hang out with. Sometimes, it’s because both of you chose different things you want to do; sometimes, it’s because your parents’ dictated different colleges for you should go to. But mostly it’s because you’re both growing up and out of each other. It’s sad, but not terrible. The bright side? You get to make new friends all over again!

Year One

Your clique:

… is nonexistent as yet. Strange classmates and strange lecture halls make you think that you’ll remain friendless for the rest of your sorry, sad life. Don’t worry, though; things get better. Trust us when we say that the other girls (and boys!) around you feel just as bewildered as you do.

Your best friend:

Er, you don’t have one anymore. In all likelihood, she’s in another college, making other friends. How could she! But stay positive and, most importantly, make the first move. Your classmates have just lost their best friends, too; and, like you, they’re looking for replacements.

Your teachers:

College teachers are nothing like the boring stiffies in your ex-school. It’s easy to make a friend or two in them, and we recommend doing so.

Year Two

Your clique:

You’re unbelievably trendy, fashionably hip, a regular Pop Princess among your classmates. You hardly think about the friends you left behind and life looks quite pretty. Finally, you’ve got a cool clique again!

Your best friend:

Found her yet? Good. But be careful: its early days still, and you’ve only known each other for a year. Things can turn sour in a hurry if you’re not careful. It’s important that the two of you still keep at least some parts of your life private… at least for another year.

Your teachers:

Start making your popularity count. Join clubs and societies and vie for the top posts (they’ll look really good on your CV). Teachers love students that volunteer for these positions!

Year Three

Your clique:

“Friends that study together pass together” they used to say. This crucial period is when your friends and you need each other most. All of you will have a pet subject, and you’ll all have a hate subject. Why not exchange notes and help each other out?

Your best friend:

If she’s still the same person, then you are firm buddies by now. The two of you can support each other in ways that the rest of your clique cannot; so stay in close contact, even during semester breaks — you’ll need it!

Your teachers:

All that kissing up over the past two years will really pay off now, and you can hassle your teachers into giving you additional tutorials if you need them. See? Being a teacher’s pet pays after all!

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Off to college!

So, you’re out of school

…and off to college. Congratulations! Order a pizza! Treat yourself to a tub of Haagen Dazs.

But wait — isn’t college just a different type of school?

Well, yes and no. Yes, you’ve got loads to study, and it isn’t going to be easy, either. But hey! — you don’t need to wake up at six in the morning anymore, classes are thoughtfully interspersed with snack breaks and you get to meet a whole bunch of cool people.

Best of all, you’ve seen the last of that awful uniform!

Year One

Freedom:

Your newfound freedom is going to take some getting used to, but are we going to tell you to behave yourself? Nah! Have fun, by all means! Just remember what you’re in college for, and don’t miss too many classes ;).

Money

It’s easy to get caught up in the fashionista race in college, and you’ll want to be hip at all times. But whatever you do, don’t use the college fees your parents are slogging for. If you insist on only the best styles, get a part-time job.

Independence

You also have to start taking charge of your own life, now. No one is going to punish you for not finishing your homework, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to do it. (Most of the time, anyway).

Year Two

Freedom:

If you partied all through Year One, now is when you should wizen up. No more late weeknights and missing class the next day.

Money

By now, you’ve probably realised that there is no such thing as easy cash — you’ve learned one of life’s bitterest lessons. Good for you! Now, why not start saving a little towards the semester hols?

Independence

Start asking yourself how far behind you are in your studies, and take measures to curb your lag. Get to know your library better. No more doodling whilst your lecturer explains the wonders of Keynesian economic theory. And absolutely no more SMSing at tutorials!

Year Three

Freedom:

Typically, this will be Exam Year. You shouldn’t be going out much at all — yes, that means no shopping and no clubbing. College is about studying, nor partying.

Money

Anxiety is murder on the pocket, as you start drowning your exam fear in Chachos and (admit it) chocolate. Then again, you should be saving on your shopping binges. Keep a loving eye on your savings, and add to it — it’s going to be your reward for getting through this tough period.

Independence

Remember how teachers used to give you reams of sample test papers in school when your exams were round the corner? They served a purpose, you know. This time around, though, you have to plan your own training schedule. Good luck!

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Bad influence is everywhere.

That people change so much through the course of their lives is just one reason why friendships are put to the test so often. Our friends discover new interests that are different from ours, and soon, we have trouble relating to each other. What usually happens is that they will encourage us to take up their new interests too, thereby keeping the friendship going. But what happens when the things they want you to pick up go against all your principles? Do you compromise your morals to keep a friend?

It’s not often that you find the people you cherish in your life fall prey to the scourge of drugs or alcohol, but it does happen. And when it does, the stress that it puts on your relationship with them can be debilitating.

Aaron’s tale is a sad one. He and Adam had been friends for nearly twenty years when Adam lost himself in a bottle. Although Aaron and he had spent many a drunken night in bars together, there was always some sense to their binges, and it was never more than twice a week. But two years ago, Adam began asking Aaron to hit the bottle with him almost every night.

“I would never say no to Adam, so I went along with it,” says Aaron quietly. “But after a couple of weeks, I had to start turning him down. But even then, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. It was just because I couldn’t keep up with him.”

But why the change in Adam? Nothing had changed in his life. There was no tearful break-up with a girlfriend, no one had died in his family and his business was thriving. Aaron reckons that Adam had simply picked the bottle up once too often, and suddenly found it hard to put down. He makes no guesses as to what made Adam the alkie he had become, but he did know one thing: their friendship was definitely on the rocks.

Buddy, don’t preach

Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, reasons that how we see others is often determined by how much we share their values.

“Typically, we get along with people that share certain interests,” says Wano. “But individuals that share our values are the ones that become our closest companions.” Any decisions that Aaron makes regarding Adam’s behaviour will be based on how much Aaron values their friendship.

“You certainly want to be there for your friends and help them cope with their problems, whether it is with drugs or alcohol or some other terrible habit,” says Mr Wano. “But they must be willing to help themselves; they need to value your support.”

That was what was wrong with Aaron’s friendship: Adam didn’t recognise that there was a problem. As far as he was concerned, getting sloshed virtually every night was just ‘unwinding’.

“I loved him so much, and I hated to see what he was becoming,” says Aaron. “But he wouldn’t listen to me. I felt like strangling him.”

Bill Cottringer, a socio-cultural researcher and author of You Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too,, does not think anyone will have much luck in preaching about positive changes to people like Adam. But he does think that ‘living right’ and remaining a friend and role model can bring about some good.

“Your actions will always outspeak your words,” says Mr Cottringer. “Everyone is evolving morally and developing themselves at different paces. We all have to do this on our own schedule.”

But what is ‘living right’, after all?

The value of values

Maryanne and Adeline were once good friends in college. They double-dated and stuff, and had a lot in common. When Adeline had her first one-night stand, Maryanne giggled along with her as she recounted her adventure. But it was half-hearted, full of misgiving and fear.

“I didn’t approve of it,” says Maryanne, 25. “I’d always thought of Adeline as a very reserved girl, so it came as quite a shock when she told me about her affair. I found myself questioning my friendship with her.”

Maryanne decided to overlook the whole thing and pretend it never happened, because there was still so much to like about Adeline. But when it happened again a few months later, Maryanne couldn’t help but cry.

“Always stick to your values,” write Graham and Julie, advisors and founders of Desktop‑Meditation.com. “They are yours and no one else’s. When you forget your values a voice goes off in your head that says, ‘You shouldn’t have.’ You would have destroyed your equilibrium, and entered a world that is not yours but someone else’s.”

Values are becoming scarce. Seriously.

Still, Maryanne remained silent over the whole thing. Then one night, when they were celebrating the end of the semester, she witnessed Adeline in action at a disco. She felt uncomfortable, to say the least. Maryanne had no choice but to talk to Adeline about how she felt right there.

“She didn’t take it well, and told me it was none of my business how she lived her life,” says Maryanne. “That hurt a lot.”

According to Graham and Julie, the more you want to live according to your values, the more you will be tested and the more you will learn.

“It may be difficult to watch friends slide into a different world, treating you differently because you refuse to be drawn into it too,” they say. “But success and freedom can only come by being true to your own values.”

It would have been easy to succumb to the exciting lure of free sex, but Maryanne chose not to. Slowly, she dropped out of their circle of friends completely, banished as a ‘stiffy’ that ‘didn’t know how to have fun.’

“It wasn’t easy to do,” says Maryanne. “But I asked myself a simple question: would I be able to live with the guilt of having thrown away all the morals that my parents struggled so hard to teach me just because of my friendship with Adeline? The answer was No.”

Friends and acquaintances are not the same. The former are firmer, more important relationships that you need to nurture and pay attention to. But the latter you can afford to lose. Mr Wano’s advice is simple: if you find yourself sharing similar interests, but are constantly at odds over values (in Maryanne’s case, this would be Adeline’s casual attitude towards sex), you may need to reclassify those friends as acquaintances.

Aaron still keeps in touch with Adam, but in his heart he knows that their friendship is wasting away. He has stopped trying to tell Adam to lay off the drink, because it was becoming an issue between them — Adam loves Aaron, but doesn’t take too kindly to his advice.

“Is my friendship with Adam worth all this trouble?” says Aaron. “You bet. And that’s why I’ve not had a drink with him in over a year. I think I’m a better friend by not encouraging his habit.”

Girlfriends are the worst friends

Sometimes — not often, but sometimes — you are faced with choosing to keep or lose a friend through no fault of anyone but yours: you made a bad friend. A perpetual whinger, perhaps. Or a high-street drama queen. Or, like Peggy, an insufferable storyteller.

“Looking back now, I don’t know why I became friends with her in the first place,” says Sandra, her ex-best-friend.

At first, Peggy seemed very exciting. The stories she told of her conquests with men, with her career, with her exercise regimen — they all sounded like true-life accounts, and Sandra felt like she could learn a lot from her. As it turns out, though, most of her tales were lies. Yet even after Sandra began to suspect that Peggy was prone to stretching the truth a little now and then, she continued hanging around her.

“She was immensely popular,” mulls Sandra. “She always knew what the hottest gossip was — I say knew, as in ‘knew’,” she continues, making the double inverted comma sign with her fingers.

But a lot of the gossip Peggy passed around had no basis to it whatsoever. If she saw two people together, she would say, “They’re sleeping together.” If a lecturer spoke to a student alone, she’d say, “He failed his exams, you see?” Peggy seemed to thrive on making the lives of others a soap-opera she was directing.

Like everyone else, Sandra thought she was the only one excluded from the harsh untruths of Peggy. Until one day, a girl came up to her and asked her if she really was a part-time call-girl — she’d wanted to interview her for an assignment.

“I was stupefied,” Sandra says. “I asked her where she heard that piece of lies from, and she pointed me to another girl, who pointed to another girl, who pointed me to Peggy. It hurt so much to think that someone I regarded as one of my best friends had done that to me.”

Of course, Sandra confronted Peggy and asked her what was going on. But Peggy was nonchalant about the whole thing — she said she was only joking, adding a little spice to everyone’s lives. What harm could come of that?

“With people like her, you always think that you are her confidante, her so-called ‘best-friend’,” Sandra says, again with the double inverted commas. “But if she can bitch about others that way to you, you can bet that she has no problem bitching about you to others.”

Sandra walked away from the friendship. And Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, does not think she could have done any better.

“There is little debate here,” he says. “Negativity is like gravity; both work equally hard to bring things down.”

You whinge, I whinge, we all whinge

Although liars are easy to fall for and easy to break away from, complainers are a lot trickier to deal with. There is nothing inherently wrong with the way they live their lives or the way they live up as friends. But there is something downright depressing about having them around. They are a wet blanket wherever you go, a damper of spirits no matter what the occasion.

Phillip and Richard have been friends for six years, but the two 28-year-olds couldn’t be more different. Phillip is an optimist, gung-ho about his opportunities in life and relaxed in every crisis that strikes. He does not let much get him down for long, and in his words, he “fights hard to keep his spirits up in the face of adversity.”

“I learned that line from a sales talk I attended,” he grins.

Richard is quite the opposite. Although he starts off looking for the bright side to everything, it is not long before he is blinded by the dark. He’s a perennial job-hopper and has had six jobs in the last four years. He starts off every one with a positive attitude, but within the first few months, his enthusiasm wanes and he is soon reduced to a sighing heap of gloom just waiting for his next pay day.

“He complains about everything,” says Phillip. “At times, I think he must be worse than a woman, he bitches so much.”

Richard complains about his bosses and company — nothing wrong about that. But he also complains about his younger sister, and his mother, and his father, and his car, and his credit card bills, and the government, and the airport authorities, and the….

“You cannot put an end to that list,” Phillip says. “He really does complain about everything.”

Yet he’s not like that with everyone — only his very closest friends get to see the ‘real Richard’.

“When he’s around others, I always notice that he’s very upbeat and zealous,” says Phillip. “But it’s a sham, really. In a way, I suppose that makes me special, because I am one of the few folk he feels completely at ease with.”

What makes it bad is that when Richard comes visiting, he brings his melancholy with him. And like a cloud, it descends upon the room and depresses Phillip, too. The negative energy surrounds him. He fights it as best he can, but sometimes, Phillip really cannot help but to wish he had not come.

Bill Cottringer, a socio-cultural researcher and author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too suggests that with people like Richard, you take a specific situation and give them some detailed feedback about how they could approach something differently and get better results.

“First, create a non-defensive climate in which you acknowledge that everyone feels this way now and then,” says Mr Cottringer. “Then say that if you have a valid criticism to offer, take some more time and instruct them how they may do something differently to get better results.”

Phillip says he won’t desert Richard just yet. Although he’s got a lousy air about him, he’s a good guy at heart, and that’s what counts.

“He’s a depressing chap to be around,” says Phillip. “But I’ve been in jams before, and he’s always been there to help me out. He’s just a pessimistic complainer, and I think that makes the friendship I give to him all the more valuable.”

Drama queen’s last hurrah

Possibly the worst kind of friend you could make — and probably the easiest to ditch — is a drama queen who lives for her next crisis… and ropes in those who are with her to participate in the scene.

“If I wanted publicity, I would have become an actress,” says Winnie, 23. “My friend insists on making a hullabaloo about the smallest thing. Once, she found an ant in her drink. She screamed. The waiter ran to her to see what the matter was, and she positively yelled at him!”

According to her, Winnie’s friend was not really scared. But the incident gave her the opportunity to make a scene. She grabbed it. She started talking loudly to Winnie, trying to get her involved. But all Winnie wanted to do was leave.

“I never hated her more than then,” says Winnie. “I wouldn’t have minded a private word with the manager, but she really overreacted.”

Mr Wano can only offer a little tongue-in-cheek advice that may very well be the answer to all of us who are terrified of being in Winnie’s position one day.

“Offer a little cheese with your friends w(h)ine, or find a king for your drama queen,” he says. “Both may help to reduce your stress levels.”

These days, Winnie spends as little time as possible around her ‘royal’ friend. Of course, this has given her even more opportunity to dramatise her life by bitching about Winnie, but she doesn’t mind.

“Soon, she’ll get bored of talking about how stuck-up I am and move on to something more exciting,” Winnie says. “So what? At least I’ll still be sane.”

Caught in the middle of love and friendship.

When Jamie (not the one who works here at Chicktimes.com!) was sixteen, she was the only one without a boyfriend in her clique. Whenever they group-dated, she was always the odd one out. So when her friends suggested that they try to hook her up with someone, she readily agreed.

Unfortunately, the bloke they found her for their next group date turned out to be a complete jerk. His name was Chris, and he was the kind of guy who is great to know as long as he was not talking about you. He spotted every flaw about you, and delighted in joking about it for the benefit of everyone else. Everyone thought Chris was powerfully observant and wonderfully perceptive. Everyone, that is, but Jamie.

In the end, Jamie did leave her clique. She drifted among other cliques in school for a while, but gladly, the rush of preparing for her final year distracted her so much she did not feel lonely at all. By the time her exams were over, she hardly thought about the friends she’d left behind.

“Within an hour of us meeting, Chris had already commented on my pimples, my broad forehead and my skinny ankles,” recalls Jamie. “I mean, how is anyone supposed to like a guy like that?”

So although her other friends all liked Chris, Jamie hated him. He had bad body odour, picked his nose, was impolite in the company of girls and was generally so tactless that she felt she would cry. She wanted out. But Jamie’s so-called ‘boyfriend’ was very influential in their group. The old clique had evolved into one with new rules and new players. Everyone had a boyfriend, and the boyfriends generally called the shots — which movies to watch, which McDonald’s to sit in, which mall to hang out at.

The only way Jamie could dump Chris was if she dumped all her friends, too.

Single… and loving it

“Maybe it’s because I never truly appreciated them,” says Jamie, now a tax accountant. She had only known them a couple of years (she was transferred to the school from out of town), so it’s not like they were lifelong friends anyway. She has long since forgotten about what happened, although she still has ‘Chrisaphopia’: a terrible fear of anyone that speaks, acts or looks like the Chris she had to date back then.

Ironically, all of Jamie’s friends broke-up with their boyfriends eventually (they were only sixteen, after all). It seems a shame that their friendship had to come to end so easily. Not so with Farah, a 25-year-old website designer, who fought tooth and nail to have her cake and eat it too. Whereas Jamie had to choose between her friends and a love affair she could do without, Farah faced the conundrum of deciding between the man of her dreams and her best-friend of fifteen years — not an easy decision to make.

“A lifetime friend is exponentially more valuable than a temporary lover,” says Michelle Casto, a WholeLife Coach and author of the GetSmart! (www.getsmartseries.com) series of books. “Friendship in its truest essence can touch our souls in a way that is pure and uncomplicated.”

But Jeremy, whom Farah was dating and was even considering marrying, was no jackstraw. He was good-looking, successful and very kind. She was deeply in love with him, and thought him perfect in every way. But her best-friend Nicole did not think him right for her and said so. At first, Farah merely laughed off her disapproval. But then Nicole did the unthinkable: she put their lifelong friendship on the line and asked Farah to choose — handsome lover or lifelong friend?

Farah was understandably distraught. She didn’t want to lose either person in her life, and faced with such a decision, she very nearly succumbed to a bout of depression. “I kept putting off talking about marriage with Jeremy because I kept hoping Nicole would lighten up,” says Farah. “But how long could I do that for?”

Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, philosophises over this common conflict among friends, saying that “love is found in our hearts, not in our heads.”

“We should not judge a book by its cover, and we should not judge our love interests by our friends.”

Nicole thought that Jeremy was only trying to marry Farah because of her family’s social status (she is the daughter of a very successful trading tycoon). She didn’t think he really loved her. But as Mr Wano says: “They say love is blind, and that should be a good thing. You should appreciate your friend’s opinions and concerns, but remember that it is your heart that you ultimately have to please.”

The better of two besties

No one should have to choose between two such beautiful things in life: friends or lovers. But Bill Cottringer, author ofYou Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too, suggests that you not be too quick to dismiss your friends’ advice.

“Always keep an open mind that they may be right, and ask for helpful details,” writes Cottringer in his book. “If they are mistaken, tell them in practical, detailed terms why they may be wrong. Always be appreciative of their concern as it is probably well-intended.”

Farah spent many sleepless nights turning over the two most important relationships in her life in her mind. On one hand, Nicole had always been there for her, through thick and thin. But Jeremy sent tingles down her spine, and her heart filled fit to burst whenever she thought of him. He was not pressuring her into saying Yes or No, patiently waiting for her to make up her mind. But she hadn’t spoken to him about her problem. He didn’t know that she wanted to say Yes with all her heart if not for Nicole’s ultimatum.

“I’d known Nicole all my life. It was not as if I could just forget fifteen years of friendship overnight,” Farah says.

In the end, Farah did marry Jeremy and, true to her word, Nicole never called her again. It seems comically juvenile when you stop and think about it. But Farah does not like looking into the past, and tears spring to her eyes whenever she thinks about Nicole and the friendship they shared over the years. Few friendships last through adolescence; fewer still last through adulthood. Farah is painfully reminded of the price she paid to be with her husband every time she sees another pair of girls giggling in hushed whispers in ladies’ lavatories or changing rooms, but she knows she made the right decision.

When it comes to love, you should let your heart be the storyteller and your mind be the stage, according to Mr Wano.

“Take in everything around you, from what you see in a potential love interest and what you hear from your friends,” he says. “Now close your eyes and open your heart — once you feel that a person is right or wrong for you, your head can make an informed decision.”