Fun lovin' in the sun!

Girls just wanna have fun…

… and boys just wanna have sex. One of life’s dumbest axioms, but there is some truth to it. College changes your ideas of entertainment in a way nothing else can. You’re above eighteen, and discos are suddenly very real attractions. There’s Starbucks, too. And the movies. And shopping.

But although everyone would like to get on in life by just having fun, it just doesn’t work that way (unless you’re a Hilton Heir, which doesn’t count). That’s not to say that you can’t have any fun — what would college be without it? But it must not get to the point when you’d rather sip on a latte than be at tutorial.

There is also the question of where to draw the line between entertainment and stupidity. Dancing the night away can be a lot of fun, but is quickly ruined by drugs or too much alcohol. The best way to know if what you’re doing is acceptable is to imagine Mum seeing you at it: will she be merely annoyed, or will she be break into tears? Annoyed is okay; tears are not.

Year One

Night heat:

You’ll be tempted to experiment, but we should warn you to stay away from full-fledged clubs (the kind with the largest dance floors and brightest lights) for now. Most of the time, they’re for above-21s anyway… and with good reason.

Day breaks:

This is more up your alley, and we encourage you to find ways to let off your steam during the day instead of the night during your first year. Think: shopping, Starbucks, movies and park outings.

“Me” time:

AThere is nothing like time alone to reflect and relax. We recommend settling into an alone-time routine throughout your days in college. Oh, and ‘Me’ time does not equal sleep time.

Year Two

Night heat:

The neon lights are calling you seemingly every weekend and the music never ceases to get you grooving. Now that you’re settled, feel free to party now and then… but only if you think you deserve it, and if you can afford it.

Day breaks:

These will seem pretty humdrum affairs to you by now, but they’re still important. Ideally, your clique should be more coffee-sippers than Margarita-guzzlers, too. It’s cheaper and (somewhat) healthier. Try to take the lead.

“Me” time:

This will possibly be your favourite way of unwinding by now, and that’s good for you. As long as you don’t start feeling lonely, you should continue this therapy as long as you can.

Year Three

Night heat:

Okay, sweetheart: time to shelve the dancing shoes and sequin skirt — the party’s over. Don’t feel sad, though. You’ll be partying more than ever when your Finals are over.

Day breaks:

Without the clubbing, do you see why these day breaks are so important? Even so: how much time do you have to while away at Starbucks if you still haven’t mastered Calculus yet?

“Me” time:

Now, it’s easy to start dealing with exam pressure by (over)sleeping it away, but this is not going to help you much in the big picture. Not enough sleep is bad, but too much can be devastating. It becomes a hard, terrible habit to kick. Try simple meditation exercises instead.

In the College Lifeseries:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Study, study, study

If you thought high school was tough…

… then wait till you sit through your first lecture on Fundamental Economic Theory. College can be a terrible shock if you’re not prepared for it (it was for us!), what with the gigantic books, humungous libraries, and — would you believe it? — more mathematics!

But it’s not impossible. It’s not even hard, once you get the hang of it. Yes, some of the concepts are a little tricky to grasp. And of course there probably is an easier way to say ‘How To Count’ than “Quantitative Methods”. But all you have to do is get past the first few hurdles of comprehension, and you’re on your way. Hey — if it really is that hard, where are all the college dropouts, eh?

Year One

Lectures:

Much as we hate to admit it, college lecturers really do know what they’re talking about. You, on the other hand, do not. Of course, this being your first year, you’re going to be tempted to doze in class as much as the rest of us and hope to catch up later. We won’t tell you not to, but won’t you at least try to pay attention now and then?

Tutorials:

The difference between tutorials and lectures is that the former is more discussion-based, whereas the latter is usually all one-way instruction. If you’re a super-learner, you could probably get by on lectures alone. But why be an arrogant fool?

Exams:

As in school, you’re not going to take any other exams apart from your Finals seriously. But this is a bad habit, and now that’s you’re all grown up, you should change it. All exams are important.

Year Two

Lectures:

These will have progressed from scarily interesting in the first year to agonisingly boring by now. More than ever, you will have to discipline yourself to make sure you attend every lecture — the tough subjects are always reserved for the second year of study.

Tutorials:

If you’re still cocky about your concentration skills at lectures, good for you. But our advice is to attend tutorials this year just to make sure that you’re on top of your game. And if you’re not… well, time’s getting short so you’d better buck up!

Exams:

These will not seem anything like what you remember. Questions will be tougher, and will test your knowledge on what you learned last year. Good refreshers, and if you do well, they do wonders for your self-confidence in the run-up to next year’s Finals.

Year Three

Lectures:

If you’ve been mucking around the past two years, then this year is going to seemingly rush by you leaving you asking yourself “Where did all that time go?” Do not miss anymore lectures. This is the year teachers offer their tips and advice for the Finals.

Tutorials:

Another thing you absolutely cannot miss anymore. This year’s tutorials will be crucial in preparing you for the finals, and are where you’ll likely get the best tips towards doing well on The Big Day.

Exams:

This is it. The Finale. The Big Day. “Where did the three years go?!” you scream. It doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that you focus all your energies into doing past-year sample exercises and clearing up concepts you’re unclear on with your lecturers. Unless you want to come back and do it all over again….

In the College Lifeseries:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Risky diet.

A healthy body…

…makes for a healthy mind — Clichéd, we know, but true. Now that Mom has stopped fussing over you (you asked for it!), and home-cooked food seems like a distant memory, it’s really up to you to take care of yourself. Hey — growing up has its price, you know.

Three years is a long time to go without a proper diet and healthy lifestyle. You’re in danger of picking up several bad habits in college that could stay with you for life if you’re not careful — smoking, for instance. And snacking. And sleeping.!

Year One

Physical:

You will struggle to come to terms with the fact that a) there is no food like Mum’s food, and b) you actually miss the twice-weekly Phys Ed. class at school. Try to keep up some sort of exercise regimen.

Mental:

Your future will never seem bleaker than it does in your first year at college. Your life is in your hands, now. How will you get by? A scary thought, of course, but you mustn’t let it weigh too heavily on your mind. Try to enjoy college instead of hating it, and you’ll find the pressure a lot easier to deal with.

Emotional:

Apart from the fact that you’ve just lost all your friends from school, your family is treating you a little differently, too. You’re not Daddy’s Girl anymore (well, not for much longer, anyway), and you kid brother has stopped annoying you. Keep smiling. This emotional slump is only temporary.

Year Two

Physical:

By now, you should be more or less settled in with your new way of life. The good: you don’t miss Mum’s cooking as much. The bad: you’re comfortable, and therefore, vulnerable to bad influence. This is the year you’re most likely to pick up smoking, so don’t.

Mental:

The Finals are still a year away, and though the thought of failing them does cross your mind, you don’t seriously believe you could. Or could you? You will be plagued by self-doubt this year, and must avoid the trap of low self-belief. Keep your chin up!

Emotional:

You’ve got new friends and your family is honourably supportive of you. You may even have a special someone in your life. Great! But remember to keep up your grades. The best friends in the world won’t be able to make you feel good about yourself if all you’re managing are Cs and Ds!

Year Three

Physical:

Yes, you’ve put on a few pounds. But it’s nothing serious. As your exams get closer though, the quality of your diet tends to deteriorate (like you didn’t know that). Remember: Healthy Body = Healthy Mind. You need to eat well if you’re to study well!

Mental:

Often, the most challenging part about major exams is facing them. What you have to tell yourself now is that you have nothing to be afraid of. How could a bright girl like you be scared of a silly exam paper? Pah! No fear!

Emotional:

The pressure is really going to be building up around you. Your happy-go-lucky friends suddenly aren’t smiling anymore, and all your Mum seems to talk about are Your Exams. Repeat after me: I will not crack under stress.

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Off to college!

So, you’re out of school

…and off to college. Congratulations! Order a pizza! Treat yourself to a tub of Haagen Dazs.

But wait — isn’t college just a different type of school?

Well, yes and no. Yes, you’ve got loads to study, and it isn’t going to be easy, either. But hey! — you don’t need to wake up at six in the morning anymore, classes are thoughtfully interspersed with snack breaks and you get to meet a whole bunch of cool people.

Best of all, you’ve seen the last of that awful uniform!

Year One

Freedom:

Your newfound freedom is going to take some getting used to, but are we going to tell you to behave yourself? Nah! Have fun, by all means! Just remember what you’re in college for, and don’t miss too many classes ;).

Money

It’s easy to get caught up in the fashionista race in college, and you’ll want to be hip at all times. But whatever you do, don’t use the college fees your parents are slogging for. If you insist on only the best styles, get a part-time job.

Independence

You also have to start taking charge of your own life, now. No one is going to punish you for not finishing your homework, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to do it. (Most of the time, anyway).

Year Two

Freedom:

If you partied all through Year One, now is when you should wizen up. No more late weeknights and missing class the next day.

Money

By now, you’ve probably realised that there is no such thing as easy cash — you’ve learned one of life’s bitterest lessons. Good for you! Now, why not start saving a little towards the semester hols?

Independence

Start asking yourself how far behind you are in your studies, and take measures to curb your lag. Get to know your library better. No more doodling whilst your lecturer explains the wonders of Keynesian economic theory. And absolutely no more SMSing at tutorials!

Year Three

Freedom:

Typically, this will be Exam Year. You shouldn’t be going out much at all — yes, that means no shopping and no clubbing. College is about studying, nor partying.

Money

Anxiety is murder on the pocket, as you start drowning your exam fear in Chachos and (admit it) chocolate. Then again, you should be saving on your shopping binges. Keep a loving eye on your savings, and add to it — it’s going to be your reward for getting through this tough period.

Independence

Remember how teachers used to give you reams of sample test papers in school when your exams were round the corner? They served a purpose, you know. This time around, though, you have to plan your own training schedule. Good luck!

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

1. 

   Screw him.

   Have pity on him

   Yes, I know it’s hard to pretend that you dumped him. But a spot of positive affirmation can put things in a surprisingly comfortable perspective. Start talking to people about how you were dating him because he was on the rebound — i.e., you took pity on him — but that he has some ‘issues’ that he has not yet sorted out.
   Your quote: “I do hope he sorts his problems out, because he’s in a real mess, you know? The poor guy!”




2. Become an enigma

   It would be easy to hit the club circuit and let everyone know that you’re single and available again, and that you’re actively seeking some companionship. Perish the thought. Instead, become an enigma, an unsolved riddle — no one knows whether you’re still with him or not, and even if they do, it won’t matter because you’re not acting desperate. Your dignity remains intact and, better yet, mysterious women always get the better scores anyway.
   Your quote: “Now, when was the last time I saw him…? You know, I just can’t remember. Why do you ask?

3. How to Give an Acrylic Nail French Manicure.

   Buff up your nails

   Sometimes, the best therapy is TO simply pampering yourself with some unnecessary indulgence which reminds you who the most special person in the world is: You. A manicure is good, but a pedicure thrown in is even better.
   Your quote: “Oh, him? I don’t know really. I’m just thinking about my nail-job right now — aren’t they lovely?”

4. Go public

   Talking about your pain is often the easiest way to get rid of it, which is why we love chatting on the phone so much. But what makes this form of psychotherapy even more effective is going public with it… and showing the world how you have moved on since the break-up. Think radio, TV or even writing to this mag. Guess who’ll be watching and fuming as you turn him into an irrelevant statistic, a number, a faceless man now part of your history?
   Your quote: “What I learned from going out with so-and-so is that your best friend always trumps your boyfriend.”

5. Check his friends out

   Nothing gets to a man’s ego more than women who are cool enough to still be friends with his mates even after he’s broken up with you. They find such maturity humiliating. Stay in touch with his buddies, and perhaps even have a few one-on-ones with the nicer guys to keep his mind busy and yourself happy. Who knows — maybe you had the right bunch of blokes but nailed the wrong knucklehead to begin with?
   Your quote: “Oh, yeah we’re through. But what are we talking about him for? Let’s talk about you.”

6. Accessorise!

   

   Accessories, accessories, accessories.

   True, nice jewellery costs money… money probably better spent on manicures and clothes. But cheap jewellery never hurt anyone, especially if you can afford to just use it once and throw it away. Besides, what would your next man buy you if you already had a pair of diamond-everythings?
   Your quote: “This pendant here kind of reminds me of him — see how it looks so nice? But under the surface, you know it’s cheap.”

7. Have a milk bath

   This might not be easy if you don’t have a bathtub of your own, but you can check out some simple spa centres that cater to women for special occasions — marriages and such — and they’ll do everything for you… including sponging you down! Now, could he ever make you feel so good? To do it yourself, pop into the nearest Body Shop.
   Your quote: “I do believe I’ve found the perfect substitute for a man’s embrace… and it’s much cheaper, too!”

8. Forget his number

   One of the biggest mistakes you can ever make is get in touch with him. How is he supposed to think you’re over him if you keep sending him SMSes at midnight? So, the first thing you should do if you’re set on making him history is delete his number from your mobile phone — you’ll forget it in no time.
   Your quote: “Now, where did I put his number…?”




9. Vacate your home

   Okay, so like the song says, everything reminds you of him. Your front door, where he once snogged you on the way out. The couch, where you spent so many nights watching movies and (ugh!) football. What to do? Go on a holiday, preferably a permanent one — leave your home, and come back when you’ve got him out of your system. Everything will seem neutral again, and you can get on with your life.
   Your quote: “Great! Now I can get away and not have to worry about who’s staying up for me.”

10. Go shopping

    Some things are best bought after break-ups. Like lingerie. And Little Black Dresses. And fishnet stockings, along with high-heels that show your toes. You know, the sort of stuff you wouldn’t feel comfortable getting if he was still with you. Well, now’s your chance!
    Your quote: “This bra, that dress, those earrings — smashing! It’s a pity he won’t see me.”

    
    
    

    Shopping with Kate Moennig.

11. Borrow a pet

    If there’s one thing that takes the blues away, it’s a pet that needs to be loved. Cat, dog, bird, iguana — it doesn’t matter. As long as it makes you feel better. The best part about them is that they never comment on the cellulite around your thighs. Just make sure you give it back when you’re done.
    Your quote: “You’re a lovey puppy, aren’t you? Yes, you’re a real cutie-pie, a cutie-sweetie, cutie-pie….”

12. Get awarded

    If you’ve never won anything in your life, now’s the time to do so. Winning recognition gives such a boost of confidence, it makes everything else in your life seem insignificant in comparison, ex-boyfriends included. Being crowned Pop Idol would be great. Otherwise, think karaoke contests, writing competitions or bagging the Best Dressed at the club.
    Your quote: “I really wasn’t expecting this. I’d like to thank the organisers, my Mum, Dad, the bartender, my pet snake, the waiter… (anyone except him).”

13. Revive your career

    Another well-tested and positive method of shaking a man out of your hair is diving into your career and setting some new goals for yourself… goals that don’t include him. You could change jobs, or do like the celebrities and simply start your own business — now, what would he say about that.
    Your quote: “I’m feeling really good about this decision, and am confident about pulling it off on my own.”

14. Party, party, party!

    No, we don’t mean hitting the club circuit, which would be in violation of #2 on this list. But throwing a private party — and not inviting him — will definitely charge you up. Better yet, have a girlie makeover party where everyone gets to look and act like movie stars. Hire make-up artists and photographers to make it real good. Send out invitations online!
    Your quote: “This party I’m throwing is going to be the best ever. No men allowed — parties are always better without them around, anyway.”

15. “Dear John…”

    Writing a letter is widely considered one of the best therapies around for sorting things out in your head. It works by putting all your problems onto paper for someone else, reading it over yourself, and realising that they’re not that big a deal after all. The trick is to not send it to him. It’s strictly For Your Eyes Only.
    Your quote: “Having read over what I’ve just written, I realise how lucky I am that it’s over between us.”

16. Watch action movies

    There is something about movies which star guys like Vin Diesel or The Rock that is so mind-numbingly stupid, you cannot help but forget about yourself for a while. The dialogue’s horrible, the plot’s pathetic and the acting is dumb. But it doesn’t make you cry, and all that violence gives you the chance to reflect on why being a woman is so wonderfully simple.
    Your quote: “I can’t believe I was dating someone that likes watching this kind of thing. It’s so stupid!”

17. Be a man

    Well, no, not really. But if you’ve been missing his handy hands around the house, then you really should learn to start doing stuff yourself — changing a lightbulb, putting up pictures, fixing a leaky tap. Take up a short D.I.Y. course, or, better yet, get a friend of his to teach you!
    Your quote: “I didn’t realise this was so easy. Why I ever needed a man to change a faucet washer for me, I don’t know.”

18. Get a facial

    Crying really takes its toll on your eyes, leaving them all puffy and horrid-looking. Getting a facial not only makes you look better, but helps you feel better, too. If you can’t afford to go to a professional for it, do it yourself!
    Your quote: “Don’t you think I look better ever since I left him?”

    
    
    

    Egg Mask Facial.

19. Do jigsaw puzzles

    Another very absorbing type of alone-time play is working on puzzles — 500 pieces, minimum. They require hours of concentration, and really do take your mind off everything else happening in your life. Best of all, when they’re completed you can frame them and hang them up where your old pictures of him used to be.
    Your quote: “I’ll hang this one of Big Ben right there at the stairs, and throw that old photo of him at Grand Station out.”

20. Box him up

    Sending gifts back to ex-boyfriends is an old-fashioned way of cutting off the last ties with them. It shows bitterness, and that’s not what you’re aiming for. Instead, gather everything he ever gave you — clothes, cards, earrings, movie ticket stubs, mugs — and put them all in a box. Don’t leave anything out. Then, seal it up and chuck into a back room where you’ll forget about it.
    Your quote: “I know I kept his stuff — for the memories, you know? — but for the life of me, I can’t remember where I put it!”

21. Get a medical

    This may seem odd, but a sure-fire way of convincing yourself that he has not killed you by breaking your heart is to get a full medical check-up. If everything is good to go, then you know that you’re alright!
    Your quote: “I’m doing great. My doctor says so.”

22. Learn a musical instrument

    

    It's easy to learn how to play the guitar.

    Picking up an easy-to-learn musical instrument is an excellent way of giving yourself something to do with all the extra time you now have on your hands. Experts recommend the guitar or harmonica, since they’re cheap and portable. The best part is that you’ll need a musician to tutor you — see if you can get someone cute from the local live music bar.
    Your quote: “I’m learning to play all my favourite songs for my next boyfriend.”

23. Kick him out

    … of your system, that is. If you’ve got a lot of pent-up aggression you need to release, consider signing up for a martial-arts fitness regime like Kickboxing Dance classes or Masala Aerobics. You’ll be sweating him out from under your skin, and toning up that flab at the same time.
    Your quote: “If he were here, I’d show him how I really feel about our break-up.”

24. Meet his mother

    If you really want to irritate the hell out of him, take his mum out to a high-tea buffet. Mothers have a surprising propensity for recalling the most embarrassing moments in the children’s lives, and are usually more than pleased to have someone to talk about them to. At the end of it all, you’ll likely be laughing over him instead of crying!
    Your quote: “Really? He did that? (Laugh) Oh my God, he never told me!”

25. Don’t regret anything

    The cardinal rule of all break-ups is to live and let live. Move on with your life, and don’t mull over the months or years that you think you wasted in the relationship. No relationship is a waste of time, because every experience helps make us better people.
    Your quote: “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Boxer or Poser?

You see them all the time: women on treadmills, stationary bicycles and air gliders who never seem to break a sweat when they exercise. Well, here’s their secret revealed: they don’t. Meet the Great Workout Pretenders.

Pay a visit to Celebrity Fitness in Bangsar Village after 6pm on any Friday, and chances are you’ll get to meet Rebecca*: a 29-year-old sales executive who is also an avid fitness enthusiast. Rebecca knows all the rules of exercise — what to do and for how long, when to do it, warming up and cooling down. She knows how to calculate the optimum weight that you should use on the gym equipment based on your Body Mass Index. She even knows all the correct names for all the different types of machines they have there: stairclimbers, air gliders, stepmills and the dreaded thighmaster.

Rebecca is no personal trainer, nor even a gym instructor. She can’t run for anything longer than five minutes, the cellulite on her thighs is appalling and she has a hard time just carrying her (admittedly, very well-equipped) gym bag to and from her car. In fact, the fitness knowledge she possesses is about all she has to show for her weekly gym sessions. She is a by-product of today’s trendiest lifestyle pastime — exercising — and is a part of a growing fraternity of fitness glamour seekers, the exercise frauds, the Great Workout Pretenders.

Exercise Expert

“I’m not the only one, you know?” Rebecca defends herself haughtily. “If you think that everyone who goes to a gym regularly actually gets a proper workout, you’re wrong.”

No, Rebecca’s motive for visiting the gym is far simpler: popularity.

“I work in a cosmetics company, where all the girls look pretty good,” Rebecca says. “They workout quite a bit — jogging, swimming, cycling, stuff like that. I just didn’t want to be left out.”

It all started when one of the girls in the office met a bicycle-mad guy who went on long bike rides every weekend. She started dating him pretty seriously, and before long the two were an item. There was nothing to it but for her to get her own bike so she could go with him on his excursions. Not that she minded, of course: now she could brag about all the exercise she was getting to her office mates.

Soon, all the other girls were taking up some sort of fitness interest — aerobics, gym workouts, swimming. Rebecca was one of those who signed up for a gym membership, determined to not be left out of the fitness craze that was sweeping through her office.

Sadly, the exercise bit turned out to be a little tough for her. But that’s okay, because she’s figured out how to stay lazy and be with the ‘in’ crowd at the same time: become a textbook-expert. Now, Rebecca can give anyone a lecture about proper posture when lifting weights or just how much you should stretch your sartorius (that’s your thigh muscle). How could anyone suspect that her exercise routine consists of little more than walking around and chatting with other gym members?

Social Star

According to Irene Nazira Lee, a FISAF National Training Provider and Reebok & Fitball Master Trainer, the ‘glamour’ of working out in a big, trendy fitness centre came about due to the high cost of club membership.

“There are now so many fitness centres in the city that membership rates have become more competitive and the younger crowd is able to afford their fees,” explains Nazira. “With the commercialisation of franchise establishments and workout programs come strong marketing strategies to sell more — fitness has evolved into a fashionable ‘trend’, and being seen in such a centre means you are ‘trendy’ and ‘in tune’ with the times.”

People like Rebecca are not strange at all to Nazira Lee.

“They exist in the majority of gyms,” she says. “They get onto the machines and usually manage to find someone to engage in idle talk with. Or, they workout quietly while checking out the crowd. Workout intensity usually depends on who’s watching. Sometimes they do put in some effort so it may be unfair to say they do not really workout at all.”

There’s obviously more to being a Workout Pretender than fame. Rebecca says that gyms are hotbeds teeming with eligible bachelors who are (most of the time) healthy, often wealthy and always interested. Some are Workout Pretenders like her, some are plain ol’ Gym Creeps, but many are The Real Thing… and they look good.

“I call it my little hobby — watching guys in tights sweat it out,” giggles Rebecca. “I’ve got a couple of dates from my gym outings, but nothing that has ever evolved into something more serious. I’m hoping it will one day, though!”

Nazira Lee says that having friends is a great motivating factor for exercising, as it can be quite intimidating — not to mention lonely — to work out in a gym where you do not know anyone.

“Some people have access to gyms within their residential premises, but they still join these trendy centres for the social activity,” says Nazira Lee. “Parents would generally prefer that their children spend time in a fitness centre than night clubs; some corporate sales persons may see the fitness centre as a good place to meet potential clients or to network with other professionals. If I had to hang out anywhere or kill time, I would rather do it at a fitness centre… even if it meant spending just fifteen minutes walking on a treadmill!”

Of course, women like Rebecca are looking for neither business nor exercise. But they still come away feeling rejuvenated, especially if the fitness centre has all the frills: saunas, spas and steam baths.

“Many centres offer additional facilities like these where the holistic wellbeing of a person is addressed,” continues Nazira Lee. “It is obvious that the therapeutic effect of being in a fitness centre addresses not just the physiological but also the psychological aspect of keeping fit and healthy.”

Fools rush in

But whilst some people fool others knowingly, others fool themselves unknowingly. They’re convinced that they are getting the workout they need, even if their foreheads just barely perspire. Rebecca knows of one such woman at her ex-workplace: a plump administrative clerk who claimed to exercise every morning.

“She was, you know, podgy,” Rebecca says guiltily. “We just could not understand it. When she announced that she had started swimming to lose some weight, we all applauded her. But the months went by, and we just didn’t see any improvement at all. If anything, she was getting heavier.”

No weight problem here.

Rebecca and her colleagues could hardly ask her why she wasn’t losing weight, so a couple of girls dropped by her condominium one evening for a visit. They went to the pool, said hello, and observed their friend’s ‘exercise’: she hung about in a corner of the pool the whole while, drinking in the sunset, looking around her and occasionally flapping her arms in the water. Her leisurely dip ended after about half an hour — there was no fat-burning going on so far as Rebecca could see.

“All that time lazing about in the water would give anyone a healthy appetite,” reflects Rebecca.

Nazira says that with folk like Rebecca’s ex-colleague, sometimes even the act of getting yourself into exercise mode is enough to make you think you deserve a trophy.

“Usually, it is an accomplishment just to get yourself into a gym — they probably think it is already an achievement to be there. Sometimes, the gym is their sanctuary from their home or office, or an escape from daily stress such as traffic jams, house chores, or being home alone.”

For Rebecca’s friend, the swimming pool was a sanctuary from herself and her weight problem. But that wasn’t helping her solve her problem, although she probably felt a lot better about herself. Whatever your definition of a good workout — twenty minutes on a Stairclimber, a five kilometre jog, thirty laps in the pool — just remember that fools and their money are easily parted, and pretenders never stay fit.

Now, where are those Nike’s I bought last year?

The Top 10 Ways to Get and Stay Fit

Kathleen A. Clancy, M.Ed., a certified Lifestyle and Weight Management Consultant suggests these ten ways to getting fit… for real.

Choose a Body.



Going too far, perhaps?

The body you live in is largely a matter of choice. Look at yourself — you chose this body. Choose to accept it or choose to change it.

Run a Marathon.

Take part in things like the community marathons or bike tours, though not as a serious contestant. There is always a demand for volunteers at water stops, start and finish lines and everywhere in between.

Join ‘Em.

Take a look at what other people in your circle do for activities. Maybe your friend plays tennis. Why not get out there and play with her? Does your partner bowl?

Flip Flop.

Meaning, your metabolism. Many people do their exercise in the morning and tend to consume more calories in the evening. The problem is that your metabolism gets progressively more sluggish as you head into the end of the day. Take advantage of this natural tendency by having a solid breakfast and saving the situps for after dinner.

Doctor’s Orders.



Ahem! The doctor is waiting....

Fitness is about taking care of yourself. Start with a general check up — you may get some much-needed motivation. If you do pursue fitness after that appointment, you might actually look forward to going back for a follow-up.

Hang out with Fitties.

Take a good look at your unfit friend, the one who snacks, the one who smokes, the one who drinks too much. Now, ask if he/she will join you in making a lifestyle change. If your offer gets a flat reception, it may be time to take a closer look at the friendship. If it doesn’t irritate you too much, spend more time with a friend or co-worker who always looks great, eats healthy and exercises.

Clean It Like You Mean It.

There are definitely days when you will not get exercise. On these days, take a mundane chore such as laundry and do it with gusto. Go for the new speed record in toilet scrubbing. It lacks glory… but you get some exercise and your work is done more quickly and probably more thoroughly.

Dress the Part.



How not to dress at the Gym.

If you join a gym or take up walking don’t show up in a giant t-shirt, paint-spattered sweats and your hand-me-down sneakers. Show up clean, in comfortable, new exercise garb. Save these clothes only for exercise. They are your exercise uniform. If you look like a person who exercises, you will feel like a person who exercises.

Take Charge.

If you become responsible for other people’s exercise, then you’re more likely to show up yourself. Get a couple of friends together and start a walking club. Better yet, get certified to teach a fitness class and you can even get paid to exercise!

Change with the Seasons.

Your routine usually falls apart come the monsoon season, right after Christmas, the end of the semester, whenever. Your life begs for a change sometimes — let it happen! Plan to drop your exercise routine and change your diet when these changes are due. Just when you are starting to run out of steam, you can take comfort in the fact that you are halfway through. This applies to gym memberships, too — no deal is good if you’re not going to use it. Sign up for no more than three months at a time.

Does everyone hate you?

You’ve gone to great pains to make improvements in your life, and are now more confident, more beautiful and more focused than ever before. So why does everyone hate you?

You’d think they’d be happy for you. You lost ten pounds, ditched the guy that bullied you in front of his friends, moved out of your parents’ house and stopped your ridiculous addiction to Haagen-Dazs. You’ve never felt better about yourself.

And all your friends can say is “You’ve Changed.”

Well, of course you’ve changed — that was the point! You used to be a miserable girl that moaned about how unfair life was and spent Sunday’s in the garden with Mother. Now, you’ve got a life: Make-up by Mac. Hair by A Cut Above. Manolos on your feet. Evenings at the gym. Saturdays at the theatre. You’re renewed, you’re empowered — it’s the New, All-Improved You.

So why does everyone hate you?

The Fear Factor

“Change has a bad reputation in our society,” says Dr Dennis O’Grady, psychologist and author of Taking the Fear Out of Changing. “But it isn’t all bad. In fact, change is necessary to keep us moving, to keep us growing, to keep us interested. When people feel stuck and frustrated, it is often their fear of change that causes the problem.”

Your friends don’t like the fact that you are making changes and moving on in life, because they don’t want to be left behind. An All-Improved You puts them in a much less flattering light than before — they once thought of you as their equal. But with the new smile, new hairdo and new confidence, it’s hard to continue seeing you the same way.

When Nora and her friends finished high school, they plunged straight into the working world as telesales consultants and waitresses and cosmetics-counter salesgirls. The seven of them were frightfully bored of studying, and had no intentions of ever going to college. They hung out at shopping malls and beauty salons, whiling their time away while the rest of their schoolmates went back to books. They thought they were getting a head start on everyone else, and dreamed of promotions that would never come. They talked about their future plans deep into the night, when they would rent a house together and room-in away from their parents.

That day never came. And for Nora, it turned out to be a blessing.

“I was about to turn twenty-one, when I met an old schoolmate of mine, one of those that went on with her studies,” says Nora. “We only spoke for five minutes, but in that short conversation, I realised what I was missing out on — she had become so smart. I knew then that it was I who was getting left behind.”

Nora did some serious soul-searching. She had switched jobs seven times in four years, and her wages had not improved much. She looked around her room, and where she once thought she would see power suits and a briefcase she saw jeans and her work uniform. She was headed nowhere.

So Nora made some changes. She asked her family for financial support so she could get into college, and worked part-time on weekends to earn some pocket money. She changed her wardrobe: court shoes replaced sandals, skirts replaced jeans. But her old friends didn’t take her changes kindly. In fact, they became nasty.

“I remember their exact words,” recalls Nora: “‘You’re not the same, Nora.’ And right then, I suddenly recognised how alone I was. It was the most painful moment I can remember. I had never felt more scared in my life.”

The comfort zone

Nora and her friends were trapped in a comfort zone that Dr Judith Sills, a clinical psychologist, compares to riding a dead horse that doesn’t go anywhere. They liked things the way they were, and were quite happy with it. But, as Sills says, “Sometimes what’s dead is you.”

A chance meeting with an old schoolmate was what brought Nora back to life, and made her see the rut she was in. She suddenly realised her horse was dead, and she wanted to get off. And when Nora made that move, her friends (the other six) saw that their horses were dead, too. But unlike her, they couldn’t get off because they didn’t have the guts. Instead of feeling happy for her, they felt threatened.

“They resented that they couldn’t do what I was doing,” reflects Nora. “They knew they needed to make some changes, but were too scared to do so.”

When you start getting ahead of your peers, they feel endangered. The space that you occupy in the world grows, whereas their space remains the same. You seem more important than before, more substantial. Your change forces them to take a good, hard look at themselves and ask: “If she could do it, why can’t I?” The reason, of course, is because of their fears of change (see sidebar: No Fear of Change Here).

People who feel threatened by your growth can become your enemies overnight, as Nora discovered. One particular girl in the group instigated the other to turn their backs on her, leaving Nora friendless. She nearly quit to go back to her old life.

“They called me stuck-up and made me feel rotten and guilty about what I did,” says Nora. “They refused to speak to me. I started to hate myself for what I did, but I was stuck — I’d taken money from my family to go to college. How could I give it up?”

Luckily, circumstances forced Nora to continue her transformation, and she has no regrets about it now.

“I think what happened was that I outgrew my friendship with those girls,” says Nora solemnly. “Even if we were still on talking terms, I don’t think there’s anything we could find in common anymore. We’re not enemies. But we’ll never be friends again, either.”

Pressure to Change-Back

The emotional obligation that Nora felt is what Dr Dennis O’Grady calls ‘change-back pressures’. People will want you to revert to the old you. If you are willing to give up your newfound enlightenment for them, fine. But first ask yourself: what kind of friend would hold you back from progressing anyway?

“Remember that dealing with the All-Improved You is their problem, not yours,” says O’Grady.

If they can’t handle it, take pity: it means they suffer from low self-esteem, and need to make changes of their own.

When Lorna landed a great job in the city with an international public relations firm, her boyfriend was the first to say No. He wanted her to remain in their hometown, where she was an English teacher. She was terribly upset, but she dumped him anyway (and the rest of her family, who also didn’t agree with her decision) and moved to the city to start anew.

But things weren’t easy, and the change-back pressure was enormous at the beginning. “I wanted to go back to home so many times,” says Lorna. “Especially at the start, when I was broke and alone.”

But she made new friends, and found love again. She built herself a new support system from the ground up. Two years later, her family is now happy that she has done so well, although she never patched things up with Sammy (her ex-boyfriend).

“I was determined to prove to myself that I could do it. And I did.”

Ultimately, the people around you will be divided into those that do accept the new you, and those that do not… or will not. Whilst your relationship with the former will continue to prosper and grow, there will probably come a time when your friendships with the latter group will no longer be tenable.

As Lorna said to Sammy when she wanted to leave: “There is nothing wrong with my wanting to do this, but there is something wrong with you not accepting it.”

Don’t make others’ acceptance of you your responsibility, because it isn’t.

Face the Change

Don't fear change; embrace it.

According Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a practicing psychologist and author of Taking The Fear Out of Changing, the five biggest questions you face when changing are:

Fear of the Unknown

“Why is making this change so scary?” We are most at ease when we are completely familiar with our surroundings and sure of what the future holds for us. As a result, fear of the unknown can paralyze us. Looking that fear in the eye is the first step to take.

Fear of Failure

“What if I try and it doesn’t work — then what?” People expect to get everything right the first time. Don’t. Instead, take your time to work things out and get them right at some time or the other.

Fear of Commitment

“Why can’t I ever accomplish what I set out to do?” People are afraid to focus on what they want out of life. Their excuse is that they would be trapped by such a commitment. But you should try to be more honest with yourself, and commit to a few simple goals close to your heart.

Fear if Disapproval

“What if I commit myself to my goals and my friends don’t approve?” (Also known as the fear of rejection). When people make positive changes, their friends and family might say “I liked you better the way you were.” These are called change-back pressures, and there isn’t much you can do about them. If you change, somebody will likely disapprove. You will learn very quickly who your true friends are — the ones on your side.

Fear of Success

“If I’m successful, are people going to hate me?” When people get through their changes and are feeling good again, they sometimes feel guilty for it. But there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, and being proud of your achievements.

---

The 5 Stages of Change

Change is also painful.

The Stage of Crisis

You feel you’ve got to change or else. You’re backed into a corner. It may be business or personal, but this sense of crisis is the wake-up call you need.

The Stage of Hard Work

Surprisingly, this is the stage that most people enjoy. It involves hard mental work, and may require you to take classes, read lots of books, network with business contacts and more. There is an empowering sense of control in this stage, and you will work hard to figure out the solution to your crisis.

The Stage of Tough Decision

This stage isn’t easy, but it is a relief. You feel glad that you’re making a commitment. Because you’re choosing a direction, there is a sense that just making this tough decision will free you. There is usually a feeling of optimism at this point.

The Stage of Unexpected Pain

This is the stage where you do all the right things but get all the wrong results. You are tempted to give up on your goal. People will recognise that you are very near success, and some will try to hold you back. It may take every creative bone in your body to drag yourself forward, but if you just crawl a few more steps from where you’ve been knocked down, you will be able to reach the next stage.

The Stage of Joy and Integration

Finally, the changes are a part of your life. You realise you are happy about the changes you have made, and they begin to pay off in a big way. You are enjoying your new job or your business takes a turn for the better. You may have lost some friends along the way, but you will feel that it was worth it.

Anyone can play the blame game.

Your parents aren’t rich enough, your boyfriend is a jerk, your boss is a sadist and your cat refuses to be house trained. Your life is a mess and it’s Everyone Else’s Fault… or is it?

For Linda, life couldn’t have been worse. She’d just failed her finals. Her parents were up in arms about her college fees gone to waste. The bank was calling her about her unsettled credit card bill and her rent was overdue.

Linda blamed it all on Ravind, her ex-boyfriend: if he hadn’t dumped her one week into their last semester, then she reckoned she would have been alright. But, still not satisfied, she went on to accuse her best-friend Madeline of refusing to help her out of her mess.

“I sat through at least two dozen nights of crying after Ravind left her,” says Madeline, now no longer Linda’s confidante. “But the finals were coming up. I had to start studying, you know?”

The fact is, Linda did not want emotional support. Madeline says that she was in financial dire straits long before Ravind left her — in fact, Linda was secretly hoping that he’d be the one to help her out of her debt. That was the real reason why Linda was so upset when he left: suddenly, she was facing those bills all alone. Madeline even thinks it possible that Linda was then counting on her to come up with the cash, and when Madeline went back to her books without even suggesting the financial aid she needed, well, things got that much worse.

Linda was not available for comment, of course. But you get a feeling that she’d defend herself tooth and nail and blame everyone else for her troubles. Because that’s the way it is for women like her: it’s always Someone Else’s Fault.

Victim mentality

Barbara Baker, President of TEAMCares Inc., an online support organisation, calls it ‘victim mentality’ — when everything that is wrong with your life is because of someone or something else. It’s always an external force, but never, ever yourself.

“If you do not get the promotion it is because Mr. So-and-So was out to get you,” illustrates Ms Baker. “Not because he found you playing on the Internet every day.”

Linda isn’t alone in viewing the cruel world through the distorted eyes of one who has suffered disappointments before — who among us have not met with rotten luck now and then? But then, I think we can all admit to at least one occasion when we unfairly pinned the blame on everything else but us. We all have our ups and downs. But unlike Linda, we don’t all need to feel blameless to get on with life after these setbacks.

Although accepting blame for everything isn’t healthy either, it is imperative that you be able to admit when things are your fault — that is the problem many women face, especially today’s empowered woman who believes that she is still being oppressed by sexists and tradition. For Linda, assigning the blame to someone else meant that she had absolved herself of all responsibility for her mess.

“Life is easier when you can play the blame game,” says Baker. “The blame game makes it easy for your life not to move forward or for you to grow.”

Culpable responsibility

The average child receives 432 negative comments per day versus 32 positive ones. And, in America, the same child only gets 12.5 minutes per day in communications with their parents or caretakers.

“Of that time, 8.5 minutes are spent correcting, criticizing or arguing, leaving a whopping 4 minutes per day for the instruction of values, morals, ethics, attitude and self esteem,” says Baker. “You were once this child.”

With all that negativity to deal with, it’s no wonder we grow up having a hard time seeing the good in the world. Most of us emerge from childhood being able to acknowledge when we’re to blame, and when not. Some don’t, and live life with deeply ingrained victim mentality — how can you tell if you are one of them?

“The first step is to listen to yourself,” says Baker. “Are you blaming others in your life for all the distress in it? Are you not accepting responsibility for your actions? Are you giving some other person the power (by blaming them you are giving them the power) to have control in your life? Do you look at life as being unfair to you and that everyone else gets the breaks?”

Tough questions to answer. But shying away from answering them truthfully can hurt you more than you expect.

Blame the economy

“Blaming others is one of the worst things you can do in relation to emotional integrity,” writes Carole Nicolaides, President and Executive Coach of Progressive Leadership, Inc. “It is distantly related to an addiction. Pretty soon almost everything that does not happen according to your liking becomes someone else’s fault.” Nicolaides advocates a six-step approach to learning to accept responsibility for failures instead of trying to censure others (see sidebar: Six Steps to Blaming Less).

Patricia, a successful 33-year-old project manager, used to blame her boyfriends — all six of them — for their break-ups. But these same boyfriends all went on to have fulfilling, long-term relationships with other women. Two have gotten married.

“I used to think that all men were out to sabotage my life,” Patricia admits. “But when I went for Felix’s (one of her ex-boyfriends) wedding last year, I realised that the bride could have been me. It made me wonder why I couldn’t get that kind of happiness.”

The first thing Patricia did was Blame the Man again — all men want someone weak-willed, someone pliable, a woman to wrap around their fingers. But then Felix’s new wife was a successful lawyer, which shot her theory to bits. So Patricia did what any project manager would do: she called her ex-boyfriends, one by one, to find out what it was that made their relationships fall apart.

“It was revelatory,” says Patricia. “Of the four that I managed to get in touch with, three said that what drove them crazy was the way I always blamed them for whatever went wrong in my life.”

Patricia attributes her philosophy that ‘The Man is Always Wrong’ to her mother, who, after her husband left her, inculcated the idea into all her children. All she was trying to do was protect them from the evil that men do, of course. But Patricia took what she said a little too far.

“Thinking back, I realised that it was true,” says Patricia. “If I didn’t have enough clothes, it was because He didn’t take me shopping often enough. If I had a flat, it was because He hadn’t pumped my tyres. If I was late, it was because He held me up at home. It’s a wonder they put up with me for as long as some of them did!”

Patricia has found the courage to confess that she is not always right, and that Men are Not Always to Blame for everything that goes wrong. But it took her many years — ¬¬and many tears — to learn her lesson.

Everyone is blame-shifting these days.

“Habitual blamers continually look outside of themselves for the solutions to their problems,” says Nicholas J. Gabriel in his book, The Road to Lasting Success. “They blame their parents, or their teachers, or their neighbours and friends, or their spouse or boss for their current situation. Or, if they do find any fault with themselves it’s always something external. They are too fat or too skinny, or too tall or too short, or too heavy or too light, or their hair isn’t right, or something. It’s everything and anything BUT their attitude, their choices and themselves.”

Women like Patricia keep running, blaming and changing the external aspects of their lives… like boyfriends. Sometimes, they find something or someone that provides temporary happiness, and they come to believe that they have found the answer.

“Unfortunately, what usually happens is that they reach a point where they notice that something is still missing,” continues Gabriel. “They just aren’t as happy or as satisfied as they expected to be. So once again, they look at the external rather than internal aspects of their lives and the pattern repeats itself. For some people this pattern repeats for the rest of their lives.”

Accepting responsibility for your failures is the first step towards positive change. If you can’t do it all at once, don’t try to. Take it one small step at a time, from why the fridge has no milk (because you haven’t bought some more), to why your career is at a standstill (because you have not hit your goals).

Some things really are others’ fault. But for everything else, it’s usually you.

Six steps to blaming less

Carole Nicolaides, a Certified Professional Coach and President of Progressive Leadership, Inc recommends these six actions points to becoming more responsible for yourself:

Be aware.

Too often we fail to notice that we are playing the blame game. It’s a natural defence mechanism. Paying attention to how we respond when questioned about our actions or performance is the first step in taking responsibility.

Respond responsibly.

Just as blaming is a defensive move, so is reacting. But rather than react, we should respond. While we might want to react immediately with a burst of anger, stop and consider the choices. We have a choice of reacting impulsively or responding cautiously to the situation. What will your choice be?

Be honest.

Some people simply like to place blame in order to be relieved of responsibility. That shows a huge lack of self-honesty. Lying to yourself only makes the problem worse… not better.

Don’t burn bridges.

What happens to relationships when you place blame? You are unlikely to earn forgiveness. You are more likely to alienate yourself from your co-workers, peers and friends by pointing fingers. Not only will you ruin relationships, but you will also lose the trust of the people whom you work with.

Be a good role model.

When others see you accepting responsibility for your actions — and when they see the extraordinary results you are getting — you make the statement that blame-placing is not acceptable behaviour. By doing so, you help promote an atmosphere of harmony and integrity.

Have a positive and grateful attitude.

If you are grateful for all the things that happen in your life (good and bad) you simply cannot hold angry feelings toward others, or place blame where it does not belong.

Photo credit: Sunshine City. Click to visit photographer.

It’s not just about being different. Body piercing is fast becoming a mainstream form of self-expression; the ultimate in saying, “Look, I’m not your average Joan, alright?” It is beyond the skinhead look, the fluorescent look and the temporary tattoo fad. Body piercing is about satisfaction.

It takes more than just a broken heart and a no-reason-to-live attitude to get a piece of jewellery attached to your body. It takes will; a will that not many people can claim to have. But testimony of your having that will lie in your having accomplished something ‘out there’, something truly ambitious… to go where few have gone before. To get a part of your body not normally associated to punctures marked for life, and to have a silver trinket adorn it as proof.

“It’s about personal satisfaction,” says Mabel, a body-piercer at DragonFly Body Art in Kuala Lumpur. Of course, there are some who just want to be ‘in’ with the crowd. But most of the time, it’s about a sense of achievement. According to Mabel, her customers are by and large young women. They especially like navel piercing, perhaps because it is the least intrusive and easiest to cover up if something goes wrong. I should let you know that she speaks with a pierced tongue on this matter. “In general, body piercing can fall into two broad categories: the trendy, and the erotic,” explains Mabel. “Trendy piercing is usually in locales that are easily viewed in the open like the face and the navel — places you want to show off. Erotic piercing is more private – the tongue, the nipples and other extremities.”

Trendsetting Perforations

The most popular targets of unusual body piercing are the navel and various areas of the face. Whilst the navel ring, which can sometimes even be a dangling piece of silver-and-stones, is a very sexy addition to a perfect tummy — assuming you have one — it says little else about yourself except that you’re a major turn-on. That a lot of women get the ring and then cover it up with t-shirts is another matter altogether.

Getting a ring on your eyebrow, however, speaks volumes about what your opinions are of yourself. It means that you don’t care who sees your ring: everyone is equal, and you don’t hide anything from nobody. A ring through the nose is quite common. Then, there is the bottom lip. Hardcore body artists have experimented with bars and rings through their cheeks, hands and chins. No flesh is safe.

There are some things to consider about these rings, though. Firstly, if you are a dancer or athlete or someone that uses their body a whole lot, it might be a bad idea to pierce these areas… unless the thought of getting a piece of clothing snagged on the bar through your eyebrow whilst you’re moving at the pace of a Java-charged jumping bean (Ouch!) sounds like fun. Even if you’re a model, and you’re on duty changing clothes at a rapid pace backstage, it’s a bad idea. If you sweat a lot, it’s a bad idea. Heck, you could probably come up with dozens of reasons NOT to get your bellybutton or cheek decorated.

Still, if you’re intent on experimenting with body piercing, these areas are the best place to start getting those holes punched. Why? Because if something does go wrong (heaven forbid) and you do get an infection, it’s much better to have it on your navel or eyebrow instead of your tongue or nipple (Ow!).

Erotic Pricks

Photo credit: jennifermaria. Click image to visit photographer.

Okay, so maybe you are a hoochie-coochie woman, and derive sexual pleasure in every way that you can. Or maybe you want to give your partner something to think about when he’s not with you. Piercing your tongue and/or nipples is supposed to not only please you, but your partner.

The tongue is one of the strongest muscles in your body, and can give – as well as receive – a great deal of pleasure (as most of us already know). This is why French kissing is such a big deal, and why many people pierce their tongues for no other reason that to give their sex lives a boost.

Bars through your tongue or rings on your nipples can’t be seen by the general public, so there is no statement to make with them. Why say something if you can’t be heard, right? Nipple attachments have long been known to be regular features in the bedrooms of those well versed in advanced bodily unification techniques. Back then, they were merely clips, whipped out when the mood was right. Now, piercing makes metal accessories permanent features on the chests of both males and females. And, they’re a big turn-on.

It is advised that you don’t get up to any hanky-panky in direct relation to the body part you just pierced during the healing period, which normally lasts at least a month. This means no kissing (for tongue pierces). And no oral sex, either (unless you’re on the receiving end). And no curries, crunchy food or rare beefsteaks. Nothing that might ruin an otherwise perfectly harmless hole-through-the-tongue.

Getting your tongue can be quite a sobering experience. The reason that the bar is so long (when you first pierce it) is that for the next week or so, your tongue will swell up to twice its normal size. You’ll get all sorts of gunk oozing from it. White, sticky stuff is (apparently) quite normal; but yellow and green stuff is more likely a sign of an infection.

The Gory Details

Is piercing painful? Yes… at least it used to be. According to Mabel, she’s just learned a new technique for piercing that makes it near painless. How far that is true, I don’t know. She does, however, claim to lay all her clientele fears to rest the moment they walk in the door. Piercing at an established (and reputable) parlour like DragonFly is not expensive when you consider what you’re paying for. Then there is the question of jewellery, which they usually have on sale, too.

As with all other injuries to your body, you should treat your piercing with care and cleanliness. The last thing you want is for your tongue to go gangrenous and fall off.

For external piercings on your face (nose, eyebrow) and body (nipple, navel), keep a simple antiseptic handy. Make sure you turn the jewellery often, lest the healing process make the metal a permanent part of your body. For your tongue or cheek, make an antiseptic mouthwash your best friend for the next couple of months. Here, too, you should make sure you twist the accessory often to make sure you send the right signals to your body and tell it that you wounded it on purpose, and that it is not supposed to completely heal this particular wound.

Above all, keep it as clean as is humanly possible. Then you’re well on your way to stamping your mark in society as either the trendiest girl on the block or the most exciting. Either way, you’re bound to turn some heads.

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Photo credit: Miss Gong & The Flickers. Click image to visit them.

Do you remember the last time you were on the bathroom floor with nothing but your knickers on, your stomach wincing and the world spinning around you like a top? Do you sometimes spend the night in what is known as the ‘recovery position’: resting your head on the toilet bowl imagining it to be your pillow till morning?

At approximately 2 pm (morning, in this case) you wake up with a ton of bricks for what used to be your head, a hairbrush for what must have been your tongue and a needle cushion in your stomach. With eyelashes stuck together — thanks to that lovely Bobbi Brown mascara — facial pores that have become craters and eyeliner gone crusty around your eyes, you look like a nightmare. This is when you say, “I’ll never do this again” — a classic promise that we all make to break. Because the next time you need to get over some bloke you fancy who broke your fragile heart, you head straight for the tequila shots.

Hangovers happen to the best of us. The ‘happy juice’ makes us feel really good, but like everything else, overdo it and you’re in for a hard time. Apparently, though, it’s not the alcohol itself that’s the culprit (hard to believe, I know), but rather a by-product of ingested alcohol: acetaldehyde.

Your body breaks alcohol down into (among other things) acetaldehyde before transforming it into less harmful substances. Next, a host of depleted minerals short-circuits your nervous system whilst the acetaldehyde does further damage to your brains. Low blood-sugar sets in and this is accompanied by horrifying headaches and dry-mouth symptoms brought on by dehydration. If you don’t know by now, alcohol is a diuretic: it forces the evaporation of a vital portion of the body’s water. Coming off the effects of a mild overdose of depressant drug — like alcohol — leads you into nervous shock. Your nerves react by going into a relatively hypersensitive state.

The sum of all the above is nausea, head spins, twitchy nerves, grumpiness and general unpleasantness. Some report diarrhoea. Because I suffer from gastritis, I usually get a prickly acid feel in my stomach and even heartburn. Oh yes, the list of reasons to NOT drink again is very long in the morning, but look on the bright side: these symptoms are fantastic excuses for not going to work.

The severity of a hangover varies according to your age, ‘enzymatic capacity’ to deal with the poisons and the quantity you guzzle. So, the older you are, the worse it gets. The more you take in a shorter space of time, the more you’ll feel the alcohol. And if your physique looks somewhat anorexic, your chances of an almighty hangover are far greater than it is for lardy types.

But never fear — celebrating happy occasions or brooding over sad ones can turn out better with these tips… and the Miracle Cure for the morning after.

Preparing for the night out

• For starters, never leave home on an empty stomach. Pump yourself up with a hearty meal loaded with minerals and starch to absorb the alcohol so it doesn’t all go directly into your bloodstream.
• Next, water: I know its no fun having to run off to the ladies every time a George Clooney-ish dude starts chatting you up, but if you want to still like him in the morning, you must be sure to fill up with plenty of water before leaving home.
• Finally, bring out the blender and get the secret potion below ready for when you get home. Keep it close by, preferably next to your bathroom.
• It might be a challenge to squeeze these tips into your already tight beauty regime for that sizzling night out, but do it and you could save yourself a whole load of pain in the morning.

While you’re out

• Remember that dark beverages are more potent than lighter ones. Avoid brandy, red wine, bourbon and scotch and stick to gin, rum and vodka. Apparently, a bad chemical named ‘congeners’ occurs naturally in fermented drinks which explains why darker drinks have more ‘congeners’ than lighter ones.
• Whatever the colour, never date a cheapskate who only buys you cheap drinks…especially red wine. It contains an extra hangover-inducing poison called ‘tyramine’.
• Try consuming less than one drink per hour. The science behind this is that your liver breaks down alcohol at a rate of about one beer per hour. In my experience, alternating alcoholic beverages with non-alcoholic beverages always keeps my body hydrated.
• If all else fails and you know that you cannot handle another drink for fear of looking like a loser in front of the boys, sip on tea and pretend its whisky. You can also sit or stand next to a plant and water it with your glass’ contents.

When You Get Home

• Throwing up is good. It gets the alcohol out of your system so that it cannot cause more damage while you sleep.
• Never take analgesics (any form of headache pills) as they aggravate your stomach and may even worsen the hangover. If you’re the type that needs to pop a pill once back home, take a multivitamin. This is a good way to replace the lost nutrients and minerals.
• Julian Mokhtar, a rock guitarist and hard-partier by any standards, says that he attempts to down two large glasses of H2O as soon as he hits home. Works like a charm for me, too.
• Some swear by lime juice over a bowl of steaming instant noodles, while for others its pancakes and honey. In truth, any kind of food will do. The starch will help absorb the alcohol and protect your stomach’s walls from further damage while you sleep.

The morning after

• No coffee and certainly no alcohol. Eat (more so if you’re not feeling queasy) and go back to bed. Simple. Forget the age-old hair-of-the-dog technique (having more alcohol to calm your shattered nerves) unless you want to become an alcoholic.
• Personally, I love a shower when I rise (from the bathroom floor). There’s just something about it that works well for us girls, like washing that man out of your hair.
• As for makeup, be sure to clean your face. Yes, even if you did end up in someone else’s house. Clogged pores make us look scary.
• Finally, get your Miracle Cure (see below) ready and down it in one go.

The Miracle Hangover Cure Recipe

1. Take 2 aspirins
2. Take 200 mg cysteine (available at specialty food stores)
3. Take 600 mg vitamin C
4. Take 1 tablet vitamin B complex
5. Mix the following ingredients in a blender:

• 1 banana
• 1 small can Red Bull
• 6 large strawberries
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 1 cup orange juice
• 1-2 cups milk (or soy milk)
  ¼ tspn salt
• dash of nutmeg

Note: Drink it ALL up. If you can down it in one go, you shouldn’t have a hangover, anyway.

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