College friends... 15 years after college.

What are friends for…

…if not to make your college life one big, exciting joyride, right? Especially if your friendship dates back to your pre-Barbie doll youth!

But here we must warn you to brace yourself for disappointment. Friends at school rarely remain friends in college, and it is perfectly natural for both of you to find new people to hang out with. Sometimes, it’s because both of you chose different things you want to do; sometimes, it’s because your parents’ dictated different colleges for you should go to. But mostly it’s because you’re both growing up and out of each other. It’s sad, but not terrible. The bright side? You get to make new friends all over again!

Year One

Your clique:

… is nonexistent as yet. Strange classmates and strange lecture halls make you think that you’ll remain friendless for the rest of your sorry, sad life. Don’t worry, though; things get better. Trust us when we say that the other girls (and boys!) around you feel just as bewildered as you do.

Your best friend:

Er, you don’t have one anymore. In all likelihood, she’s in another college, making other friends. How could she! But stay positive and, most importantly, make the first move. Your classmates have just lost their best friends, too; and, like you, they’re looking for replacements.

Your teachers:

College teachers are nothing like the boring stiffies in your ex-school. It’s easy to make a friend or two in them, and we recommend doing so.

Year Two

Your clique:

You’re unbelievably trendy, fashionably hip, a regular Pop Princess among your classmates. You hardly think about the friends you left behind and life looks quite pretty. Finally, you’ve got a cool clique again!

Your best friend:

Found her yet? Good. But be careful: its early days still, and you’ve only known each other for a year. Things can turn sour in a hurry if you’re not careful. It’s important that the two of you still keep at least some parts of your life private… at least for another year.

Your teachers:

Start making your popularity count. Join clubs and societies and vie for the top posts (they’ll look really good on your CV). Teachers love students that volunteer for these positions!

Year Three

Your clique:

“Friends that study together pass together” they used to say. This crucial period is when your friends and you need each other most. All of you will have a pet subject, and you’ll all have a hate subject. Why not exchange notes and help each other out?

Your best friend:

If she’s still the same person, then you are firm buddies by now. The two of you can support each other in ways that the rest of your clique cannot; so stay in close contact, even during semester breaks — you’ll need it!

Your teachers:

All that kissing up over the past two years will really pay off now, and you can hassle your teachers into giving you additional tutorials if you need them. See? Being a teacher’s pet pays after all!

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Friends Forever... for now.

Leaving school is ground zero for all of us. We all get the same starting point in life, and from then on, what we make of ourselves pretty much depends on us. And like everyone else, we think our friendships with our schoolmates will last forever.

That’s what Cathy believed a year ago. She was job-hopping with the youthful vigour of a 19-year-old alongside her best pal Emily from school when she discovered her talent for cosmetics sales. She found that she really enjoyed it despite the pittance she earned. For the first time, she chose to stay put on the job for a while… just to see how things panned out. Her best-friend Emily, however, quickly grew bored of selling lipstick and eyeliners, and continued her conquest of the classifieds.

As things turned out, Cathy didn’t have to live on peanuts for long before her salesmanship became the smooth, practiced spiel it is today. Her commissions soared, and she was soon earning a lot more than her best friend. And that’s when the trouble started: she could now buy better clothes, get better haircuts and go for better facials than Emily, and Cathy reckons that that was the beginning of the strain on their friendship.

“I don’t think it was the money,” says Cathy thoughtfully. “Emily’s not like that. But it could have been that my lifestyle was improving too fast for her. Maybe she envied me for that.”

Graham and Julie, partners and founders of Desktop-Meditation.com disagree. They think that in this instance, it’s not that Emily envied Cathy per se. She simply envied the fact that Cathy was focused enough and determined enough to succeed.

“Friends often want what you have, but don’t want to put in the work to be successful,” say the couple.

Over the next couple of years, things got steadily worse for their friendship. Emily did not progress much. She still changed jobs every six months, and had yet to settle into some sort of rhythm. Cathy, on the other hand, had been promoted twice. This meant they spent less time together, which of course didn’t help matters much.

Cathy felt that she was losing her best friend. And she was.

A friend in need

Cathy wasn’t happy about what was happening. She wanted to save her oldest friendship from dying, but didn’t know where to begin. If she preached to Emily about how she should get some focus in her life, she would come across as condescending. But if she ignored her, they would only drift further apart.

Bill Cottringer, author of You Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too and socio-cultural researcher opines that in a situation like Cathy’s, the best remedy is good old-fashioned love.

“Know exactly what you did to get where you are, and share your success secrets with your friends,” says Mr Cottringer. “Be humble and avoid bragging about your own good fortune.”

That’s exactly what Steven did when he started pulling too far ahead of his best mate, Jonathan. Both disc jockeys, the two friends lived, ate and worked together for three years before things started to go awry. Steven started landing all the good gigs and Jonathan was only getting scraps. Steven says he started sensing the edgy hostility in Jonathan’s voice one Saturday night, when they were working at two vastly different venues: he was at a prime club downtown, whereas Jonathan was doing a crummy house party. Jonathan called him an unprintable name, which was normal, except that the tone in his voice seemed to have some deeper undercurrent about it.

“I mean, I was riding on Lady Luck — that’s the only reason I was doing so well,” says Steven. “Jon worked hard, but he just wasn’t getting the breaks I was. I guess he thought it unfair that I should suddenly be doing so much better than he… especially since he was the better D.J.!.”

But Steven was not about to lose his best pal to a cruel twist of fate like that. He went to great pains to help Jonathan out. He asked him to stand in for him several times on busy nights, especially when the bosses were around, so that Jonathan could practice and show off his skills. He taught him how to speak more professionally to bar managers, so that he always left a good impression. He tried everything he could think of to get Jonathan more involved in his own career, and it paid off in the end. In a couple of months, Jon was feeling better about himself… and their friendship.

“It was a close call,” Steven recalls. “Jon’s a great guy, and I know he’d do the same for me. I’m glad it worked out.”

Pride and circumstance

Steven was met with angry recrimination the first couple of times that he tried to explain to Jonathan about what it was he wanted to do. They came close to blows before Jonathan backed off.

“He was very remorseful,” says Steven. “Sure, he envied my winning streak. But he was also man enough to admit that our friendship was more important than his pride.”

Their friendship is stronger than ever because of the near-split, and Steven is happy that he managed to both salvage their partnership and help someone out at the same time.

“I mean, that’s what friends are for, right?” says Steven flippantly.

Graham and Julie think that under the circumstances, Steven could have done no better.

“Instead of focusing on the envy, you ought to focus on your friends as beings,” say the couple. “Work with them to develop their motivation and what it is they want to achieve in their lives. As you work with them, they will gradually see their world changing and they will begin to taste success themselves.”

With that taste in their mouth, your friends will have their own sense of fulfilment, and your friendship would have passed a crucial test of worthiness. But Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, adds that although you should take interest in what your friends do and support them in their career decisions, you should never apologise for your own aspirations in life, even if it means losing a friend.

“If they are not going to support you during the good times, where will they be there during the bad?” he asks.

Cathy lost her best-friend because she hesitated to offer her a helping hand when Emily needed it most. She chose to ignore her inner voice, and got caught in the upward spiral of her career. But although she regrets losing their ten-year friendship, she does not think she’s to blame.

“Emily and I were once great friends, but we grew apart,” Cathy says. “I wish she had taken her career more seriously, but that’s not my fault. I don’t think it was I that lost her as a friend. I think she lost me.”

No one likes to choose. Graham and Julie say that the secret to keeping your friendship going in the face of the green-eyed monster is not to cut your friends off but to give them love and encouragement. But how?

“Simple,” they say. “By treating them as you always have.”

Boy or girl?

On any given day, Ambrose gets called at least one name: Faggot, Pondan, Bapok, Crossdresser, Ladyman, plus several other, less tasteful appellations. But she, like many others, has learned to ignore them. Yes, she’s a transgender — but what of it?

Seeing as only one in 30,000 people are transgenders, this does not affect the majority of us who are used to dealing with men as men and women as women. We laugh at anyone that appears to be caught in between, man or woman. But when someone you thought you knew so well, say, your brother, tells you in confidence that he believes he’s a girl, how are you supposed to react?

Transgenders generally believe that they were born into the wrong body, although this view has been widely disputed. Some say it is because of doting mothers. Some say it is because of doting sisters.

The fact is that neither is true, according to research done by Yik Koon Teh, a professor at University Utara Malaysia. In the survey of male transsexuals, 81-percent of the respondents said that they had both male and female role models in the family, and were NOT influenced by their sisters, as is generally believed by the public. Also, most find their first companion in other transgender friends.

Shakila, a 38-year-old transgender and counselor at The Pink Triangle Foundation could not agree with the professor more.

“I have met many people who go through their whole lives trying to deny who they are,” says Shakila. “Then, when they’re sixty, after having kids and grandchildren, they finally accept it.”

Whether or not transgenderism is ‘natural’ or not is still a point of debate. What is certain is that the issue of transgenderism runs much deeper than we think. No one is to blame, and no one is at fault — would you say you are at fault for being a woman?

Brother, sister or in between?

To understand transgenderism, we must first understand the difference between sex and gender.

Sex is the biological physical trait that you were born with, denoting either female or male. Gender, on the other hand, is less to do with your physical characteristics, and more with your appearance or behaviours — masculine or feminine (although even this is not entirely accurate). You could thus be born a male (or female) anatomically. Yet, for all intents and purposes, you may act and relate to society as a woman (or man).

Your first step towards helping your sibling through this difficult time is accepting that your brother is no longer your brother — he is now your sister. ‘He’ has become ‘her’. Nothing will give her more joy than for you to start relating to her as a sister instead of a brother. Acceptance is the first step to making her feel as comfortable as possible around your home. It is non-acceptance that makes young girls like her run away from home and wind up on the streets.

Once you have accepted her new being, you must now try to help her find out more about herself. There are many things to consider about transgenders, not just the clothes they wear. Is she just a transvestite who likes to dress up as a girl? Is she an angrogyne, who prefers to be neither? Or, is she a transsexual, completely defecting from the boys’ club?

Once you both understand exactly what is going on, you can start helping her transition into society better for everyone.

Telling your parents

The first thing that you’ll worry about is how to tell your parents that their son is actually their daughter. However, you needn’t worry too much about it because chances are your parents already know. In fact, it’s likely that they’ve suspected it since she was nine or ten years old. All you will be doing is confirming their suspicions.

Mothers generally take the news better than fathers, so you should probably broach the subject with her first. In any case, make sure your new sister is present so that she can prepare herself for the backlash.

“A sister must first understand her brother (sister), and then accept and respect her for who she is,” says Ambrose. “Don’t reveal it to anyone until she is ready. And even then, be very careful.”

Although the majority of transgenders have at least completed their secondary school, only a small minority ever attend an institute of higher learning. Many transgenders end up as sex workers, with a large majority living around the poverty line. This is why family support is so important to transgenders. If you make her feel uncomfortable, she will feel that she has nowhere to go to but her friends.

“Over the last decade or so, society has at least come to understand transgenders,” says Shakila. “But acceptance is still hard to come by.”

Accept or reject

It is this notion of acceptance that is central to transgenders’ fight for their place in society. To a transgender, how they look is still not as important as how they feel. They know that they don’t look very convincing as women; but they dress up as them anyway because it’s better than trying to be a man.

“Think of a man who is ashamed to be a man. He tries to dress up as a woman — how could he possibly be happy? He’s not a woman. It’s just too bad that he looks bad as a man,” explains Ambrose, asking people to regard transgenders as transgenders — not men trying to be women, but real women.

“I have many friends who have tried to adapt by marrying a nice (natural) girl and even having a couple of children to boot. But, ten years later, they find they are very unhappy with themselves. So they divorce and accept themselves as transgenders. At long last, they are happy… no matter how much people tease them,” Ambrose continues.

Keeping the relationship with your brother open is of paramount importance, now that he’s become your sister. Try to regard her as a naturally born girl. Talk about things with her that you would with your other girlfriends. This welcomes her into your confidence, and even if she never feels accepted anywhere else, she knows she is loved by you.

“She is still the same person, with the same values that she had as your brother,” advises Shakila. “Treat her as your equal — she is a young lady just like you now, with the same concerns and aspirations.”

Identity and preference

What is the difference between gays and transgenders?

Sexual preference indicates which sex you find romantically attractive. You could be attracted to the opposite sex (heterosexual), same sex (homosexual) or both (bisexual).

Gender identity is how you see yourself, regardless of what anatomy you may have been born with. You could be a male who relates as a woman; a female who relates as a man; or you could be neither, relating to society as a third, completely independent gender (androgynous).

Sexual identity is strictly to do with how you perceive yourself physically, as male, female or in between. If you were born male but wish to see yourself as female, than you are female, and vice-versa. Such a person is called a transsexual, regardless of whether they have actually had an operation or not.

Where did those boobs come from?

A fake boob.

Most transgenders say that the way they look is very important to them. Shakila, a transgender and counsellor with The Pink Triangle Foundation, tells all about boob-jobs.

A biological male that wants to be regarded as a woman has two choices when it comes to her breasts: hormone therapy or implants.

The use of hormones is the favourite choice, because not only does it enhance your bust, but it also helps smoothen your skin and reduce bodily hair. Shakila says that going on them at a young age produces better results, because the older you get, the harder it is to change the way your body is.

“If you want to help your new-found sister find herself, get your parents to take her to meet an open-minded doctor first to see which drug suits her best,” says Shakila.

Breast implants are increasingly favoured for older transgenders, especially the salt-water, non-silicone type. But the candidate must first have the basic tissues required, which means undergoing hormone therapy.

Finally, not everyone can get breast implants — your sister’s body may reject them, so make sure she is prepared for disappointment.

Is he a transgender? Signs to look for include…

Boy's toy.

Playing with female toys: 68-percent of transsexuals only played with female toys when they were young. 82-percent also say that they only played female roles. Also, most of them only have girls as their playmates.

Household chores: Most transgenders actually have a liking for household chores like tidying up, cooking and sewing — big no-nos for most young boys.

Cross-dressing: Transgenders start experimenting with cross-dressing when they’re about twelve years old.

Dating: Most transgenders will have a guy as their first serious date; they will also most likely experience sex for the first time with a guy, and it will probably be at a young age (between 12 and 16).

Girls for hire, nice or not

This Saturday night, Sasha (her professional name), will not get home earlier than six in the morning. After a night of tireless smiling, excessive drinking and covert chatting with customers at a karaoke lounge, her hair will smell of cigarette smoke and beer. She would have had over forty cigarettes, and her breasts will hurt from being squeezed a tad too roughly by drunk men old enough to be her father.

Sasha is a Guest Relation Officer (GRO), but she goes by a slew of other titles including Public Relation Officer and Entertainment Hostess. Where she works, they all mean the same thing: Girl For Sale.

Time for sale

When I went undercover to find out how the sex trade works at the bars where girls like Sasha work, I found out quite a few things. Firstly, the drinks in these places are very expensive. And secondly, the GROs are essentially the bar’s employees, and they work for commissions on drinks sold. Nonetheless, they are welcome to earn whatever they can on the side… encouraged to, even — after all, if the men come back, they have to buy more of those expensive drinks, right?

The first place I visited hit me with its smell: damp, sleazy and cheap. There were cockroaches running around under the dilapidated sofa sets. It was on the second floor of a row of shop-houses, with no windows that I could see. It hadn’t seen the light of day in years.

As I stood at the entrance, nervously twirling my car keys in my left hand and switching my mobile phone to “loud” mode with my right, my eyes adjusted to the dark lighting. An attractive Chinese girl approached me from the bar, twinkling her smile. She was wearing what seemed to be the uniform for the girls working there: a short – and I mean short – maroon cheongsam (also called a Mandarin dress) with a name-tag that said her name was Yvonne, although I seriously doubt that.

She asked me if I would like a public seat or a private room (this was a karaoke lounge). I politely declined her invitation to look at the prices for a private room, and instead I made my way to corner of the room which I thought gave me a good vantage point of the whole bar. I seated myself on a sofa that sunk to the floor and ordered a drink.

The first thing you learn about places like this is that being relatively young and good-looking means nothing next to having a lot of money. I found that ordering USD10 beer was not enough to get someone to ‘entertain’ me. So I decided to ask for a USD250 bottle of Scotch, and was suddenly treated with a little more respect. The hostess who brought me the Scoth made her offer: USD10 for an hour of her time.

Lisa (the hostess) was in her late-thirties, had way too much make-up on and had a penchant for cracking her knuckles. Up close, she looked haggard, tired and sad — cigarettes, booze and a sunless existence will do that to you. I wondered how long she could continue to work there… or anywhere else, for that matter.

Street Walker in Hong Kong.

Asked if she has ever been offered money to have sex with them, and Sasha starts fidgeting with her collar.

Apparently, Lisa was the only girl who could speak English well enough to entertain a foreigner. However, she didn’t fit my research needs, so she was replaced by Candy.

Candy was twenty-two with a short hairdo and enough natural flush in her cheeks to not need rouge. She was skinny, though. The cheongsam hung off her shoulders like a shirt instead of hugging her figure like it should. At eleven o’clock, she was already slurring on Chivas, courtesy of a group of men in the forties who seemed to be having a reunion.

Her efforts to make me comfortable only succeeded in making me exceedingly fidgety. She patted me on my knees and hands and flirted blatantly. Conversation was stunted, but animated — I nodded to her Chinese, and she nodded to my English. GROs are trained conversationalists, and they get you chatting about your pet fancies in no time. Also, because they meet so many people, they can be surprisingly knowledgeable about current issues, and share their opinions freely… if the customer wants to hear them, of course.

I paid her the USD10/hour rate, but was sharing her with the Chivas men. Still, she seemed a lot happier to be with me than with them, although that could be wishful thinking. Nonetheless, when I gave no indication that I was going to buy more of her time, Candy drifted back to the Chivas group. She smiled at me, as did the gentlemen who were buying the drinks. One of them reached around her and spanked her bottom, drawing laughter from his friends. Even in the darkness I could see her blush, and a pained expression flickered briefly across her face as she sat down next to him. They lifted up their glasses, and toasted to peace, prosperity, and love.

I glanced casually around, and saw other men at other tables eyeing the proceedings intently. Seemingly like me – single and lonely – they waited patiently for Candy to pay some attention to them.

But that wouldn’t happen until they bought her time… and a bottle of Scotch.

All in a day’s work

I had seen enough. For my next stop, I decided to head into the city, where the lounges were rumoured to use pest control services to tackle their cockroach menace and the girls apparently spoke real English.

I was not dissappointed. Upon the recommendation of the Yellow Pages, I went to a place holed up in a shop-office complex. It was dimly lit, but smelled much nicer than the last. And as soon as my first bill came, I understood why: USD25 for a pilsner. This was one place where I certainly could not afford to order a Single Malt.

Undeterred, I turned on my journalistic charm and convinced a junior manager that I was doing an Executive Karaoke Lounge review (that’s what they like to call their establishments) for a travel magazine, and that I would be grateful if she would show me around.

Next thing I knew, my beers were on the house. Lucky me.

Again, not wanting to restrict my viewpoint, I took a small table in a corner (the only one available), and let my eyes and ears adjust themselves to the surrounding. The first thing I noticed was that the girls were dressed in very smart pantsuits. Also, the lighting for the place was very clever, with the walkways lighted up from the floor, but the table and sofa areas sufficiently dark so that everyone remained anonymous to everyone else. The sound system was much better, too. Everything seemed to indicate a much better work environment for the girls.

On an out call.

The first to come up to me was Sasha. She was in her late-twenties, with long, black hair and a nice-looking face. Not exactly pretty, but pleasant. And, wonder of wonders, she spoke English.

It was Sasha that I decided to engage as my subject for the evening, since she was matured enough to understand what I was doing, and could at least say something other than, “Do you want another drink?”

It turns out that Sasha wasn’t always at the ‘exclusive’ place, but began her time as a GRO in a much cheaper joint out of town. A ‘talent scout’ found her there. Apparently, in ‘exclusive’ places, the ability to speak English is quite valuable because of the expatriate community in the city.

But did her life change?

“Customers here are richer and more used to getting their way,” she says, with what seemed like a smidgen of regret. “In my old workplace, they would back off if I told them to. Not here, though.”

Sasha came to the city ten years ago to study. Through friends, she discovered the joys of clubbing and partying. Soon, her money was gone, and she flunked her exams. She had to look for a part-time job to be able to continue her education.

“I just couldn’t tell my parents that I’d blown everything on clothes and booze,” she says.

She needed something that would leave her free during the day so she could attend classes — a day job was out of the question. Her first job was as a waitress at a disco, but it wasn’t enough to support her lifestyle and her education. It was then that she was offered a job as GRO at a karaoke lounge.

“The guy said that the job function was more or less the same, except that I would have to be more ‘intimate’ with the customers,” recalls Sasha. “Since it was nearly double the pay, excluding tips, I took it.”

‘Intimate’ turned out to be more that she bargained for. The hours, longer. On most nights, her job simply means getting customers to buy the most expensive drinks on the menu by pouting at them, acting cute, dancing with them and suffering the occasional fondle and bad joke. But there are bad nights, which she prefers not to talk about.

“It’s the regulars that I don’t like,” Sasha sighs. “They give so much business to the place so they think they own you. And they don’t tip. Not anymore.”

A hard day’s night

Asked if she has ever been offered money to have sex with them, and Sasha starts fidgeting with her collar.

“Only every other day,” she replies. “It’s called ‘toilet service’ around here.”

‘Toilet service’ is the act of oral or full sex literally done in the lavish and well-spaced rest rooms of these outlets. There is also strip dancing: for a price, some GROs will do the full Monty for customers. But Sasha refuses to do anything more than let them fondle her in the open. It isn’t hard to go from Girl for Hire to Girl for Sale, and she does not want that to happen.

“My colleagues say that the first time is the hardest, but that it gets easier as you go along,” says Sasha. “You’ll be rolling in cash — at USD50 a go, the money is good. But you’ll also be no better than a prostitute — I don’t want that.”

The lounge does not take a cut from this money — it is a strictly private transaction between the customer and his new ‘friend’, done in the comfort of the lounge’s plush ‘lavatory’. The only money that passes hands between the bar and the GRO is a low basic salary, plus commissions from the beverage sales.

It is a fine business model. The bar is happy because of the repeat business (at super-high profit margins, I might add). The customers are happy because it is legal. And the girls are happy because it is both.

Technically, then, being a Guest Relation Officer is not illegal. It’s a loophole in the system. The owners can claim complete ignorance, since the money changing hands is between ‘friends’ and they get nothing. The girls are willing participants, and can choose for themselves how much — or how little — they want to lease out to the strangers who visit them: USD10 for a fondle, USD20 for a strip dance, USD50 for a ‘toilet service’. And although the management does not provide rooms, only an idiot would presume that they do not know what is going on.

Not all GROs are lavatory prostitutes. Some, like Sasha, are just trying to make a living. They don’t sell sex. They just lease their time and allow a few caresses here and there. Still, her future looks pretty bleak. She never finished college. But there is one hope for her: the possibility of getting married and leaving it all behind.

“Even though the customers at this Executive Lounge are rich and usually have girlfriends of their own, there are still proposals,” says Sasha. “There always will be in this business.”

She knows of two of her peers who settled down with customers and started families. Granted, their husbands have not stopped visiting GROs, but at least they don’t have to worry about what they will do after forty.

“At the most, I can only do this for another ten years… if I still look good,” says Sasha sadly.

“Is that time enough?” she asks me.

I cannot help but think of Lisa, my hostess at the earlier place. Was she, too, waiting for her prince charming?

“Sure it is,” I lie. In ten years time, Sasha will probably need to lease a lot more than her time to earn a living.

Girl for Sale soon. Enquiries within.

Crack baby dolls.

“Crack babies” was a term often thrown around in the media in the late-80s that referred to infants who were born to cocaine-sniffing mothers. It was discovered that these babies had great difficulty in absorbing input from their surroundings, resulting in ‘slow’ learning… even by the age of twenty-four months. They were left behind in almost all areas of child development, and frequently, had to undergo special training.

Crack babies call themselves stupid. Yet subsequent research seems to indicate that these babies were only affected in ways similar to that of other drugs consumed during pregnancy such as tobacco and alcohol. Apparently, there is little difference in the damage caused by smoking versus the damage caused by snorting coke.

The danger, then, is not really in being born to addicted parents. It’s in growing up with addicted parents.

What they don’t know will hurt them

Brad and Lucy (not their real names) are a couple with very modern ideas. They only son, Shaun, just turned four. But they are not married, civil or otherwise. Their fundamental principles on child upbringing differ considerably from conventional tradition… particularly with regards to their rules of exposure.

“As long as Shaun does not know exactly what it is we are doing, it is no different from smoking or having a beer while watching television,” says Lucy. “Besides, it’s only a little pot — what harm did that ever do?”

Of course, a young child who cannot tell right from wrong will obviously not be able to tell a cigarette from LSD. But the difference in the addictive qualities between smoking and narcotics is clear. According to Chris Sekar, Substance Abuse Counselor at Gleneagles Intan Behavioural Counselling Centre in Kuala Lumpur, cigarettes are not socially dysfunctional, but more of a health hazard. Drugs are a different kettle of fish altogether.

“Nonetheless, a large percent of drug users start off with cigarettes,” he cautions.

He’s right: there never was a drug abuser who did not start off smoking. When you don’t know what’s good for you – or don’t care – smoking can easily give way to heavier stuff, usually marijuana. After that come the pills. Then, when nothing ‘buzzes’ you anymore, comes the heroin.

The same goes with alcohol, candy and sex. Habits lead to dependency, and dependency is just another word for addiction. It does not really matter what is being consumed, but how it is consumed. A substance addiction in a household — any substance — invariably results in children who are easily addicted.

There is a fine, grey line between addiction and habit. Many people do not realise when they cross it. Shaun’s dad, Brad, does not think they have, and therefore believes that rather than setting a bad example for Shaun, they are demonstrating self-control.

“The trick is to make sure that you’re always in the driver’s seat — not the other way around,” says Brad hotly. “All you need is to make sure that you do it in moderation. One joint a day, one trip a week. No more. That’s what we are teaching Shaun.”

The trouble is, children often don’t learn the lessons we expect them to, do they? Up until age five, you tell your child your opinions and hear them echoed back to you as their own. But after that, everything you teach them is coloured by their own perception of the world. Your once-a-day rule may not be a good enough disincentive for them to try to do it twice a day… you know, just to see if they have more self-control than you.

Children synthesise instructions according to their own prejudices. But that doesn’t mean they stop learning.

Learning, always learning

Because the rituals between their families and those of their friends are so different, children of dope-consuming parents quickly learn how their home lives differ from those of their friends. An average family dinner at the home of Brad and Lucy, for instance, is often followed by what they call “a fat joint” — while his parents get stoned, Shaun plays with his Spiderman action-figure. By contrast, his best-friend’s family has dinner, settles down to watch a sitcom and has ice-cream as a nightcap.

“Children are not naïve,” warns Chris. “By the age of seven to ten, most children with dope-addicted mothers or fathers will already have a good idea that their parents are somewhat ‘different’ from their schoolmates’.”

Contrary to what Brad and Lucy think, Chris believes that the probability of Shaun growing up to become a substance abuser is significantly higher than for normal children because the social learning theory and role-modelling of his parents is so different from his friends.

“The informative years are crucial,” says Chris. “Where clear principles and boundaries are shattered, the child is exposed to confusion. Parents who use drugs indicate to the children that their parental priority is drug use.”

Children are told every day that drugs are bad by school teachers, the government and the media. Seeing their own parents take drugs will naturally confuse them.

“How do you think this would affect them?” warns Chris. “Their sense of worth and self esteem will naturally deteriorate. Drugs will provide an escape to comfortably numb the realities.”However, Lucy remains adamant that there’s nothing wrong in using marijuana or a little cocaine as a lifestyle drug.

“Sooner or later, Shaun is going to be confronted with the prospect of drugs,” she contends. “Isn’t it better that we teach him moderation now, rather than he pick it up later and possibly do it without our knowledge?”

The notion that it may be best to not teach him anything about drugs at all does not seem to occur to her.

Of course, Brad and Lucy do not actively tutor Shaun in the art of getting stoned. But then Chris thinks that Shaun may not need to actively participate in the ritual in order to accustom himself to the act anyway.

“Cigarettes, for example, are more harmful to the non-smoker because the exhaled fumes are more toxic,” explains Chris. “Conversely, ‘chasing the dragon’ (heroin) in a child’s presence in a poorly ventilated room can induce addiction.”

Theoretically, child could become so used to getting high in his living room that he starts to crave for it… even more than for his PlayStation.

But that’s not the bad news. The bad news is that it is going to be much harder for the child to quit than it is for his parents, because the way he first formed the habit means that it is very deeply ingrained and will not break easily.

“The children of these (drug consuming) parents will certainly have a harder time kicking the habit than addicts who acquire it through society,” says Chris Sekar. “Boundaries on relationships have been broken. The child would have witnessed drug abuse in its various forms. There is a lot of shame and guilt to cope with, and he has to rewrite his script and skills to live life on life’s terms. ‘Instead of giving me protection, you gave me your addiction’ is a lingering pain,” Chris explains.

Denial

Being a drug addict is no fun, as many an addict will testify. It gnaws away your pockets first, then later, your life. Bit by bit, it picks your very existence apart, until you want nothing more than to know where your next ‘hit’ is going to come from.

Brad and Lucy are not at the stage where the drugs have taken control of their lives… yet. But the same could be said about a dozen other bad habits that children are exposed to during their adolescence and early youth — smoking, drinking and eating candy excessively all start off as fun… until the habit starts to control you.

That’s the way it is with addiction — you think you can control it, and in the beginning, you succeed. But in time, as your body becomes dependent upon the stuff, you lose control. And you never see it coming; you’re never aware of it. It just happens. One day you wake up and find that you have crossed that fine, grey line. By then, it’s too late — you’re an addict.

Although Brad and Lucy seem confident that they can teach Shaun to tell the difference between excessive substance use and controlled substance use, there is no way they can be sure. Shaun may well learn something different: escapism, self-deception and the pure pleasure of getting ‘high’. In any case, his idea of family dinners will always involve marijuana afterwards, and his childhood memories of Sunday afternoons will always have a round of “chasing the dragon”.

Unless he forms new ideas of what is ‘normal’ family time, Shaun will one day watch his own son play video games while he keeps a date with Lucy in the sky… with diamonds. How frequently he dates her, of course, remains to be seen.

That’s a risk Brad and Lucy either cannot see, or don’t want to see.

Naturally, it’s too early to tell. After all, Shaun is only four. But addiction is a slippery slope, aye, and once you’ve slipped, few find their way back up.

I’ve been smoking since I was twelve, and I never thought that I’d be doing it this long. How did I start?

Well, to begin with, both my parents were smokers.

One can only hope that little Shaun is stronger than I.

Backstabbers at work.

On any given Monday, Sally is possibly the bitchiest marketing executive around, so says Kavitha, her friend of five years. How does she know?

A year ago, Sally was looking for a job. When an opening turned up in Kavitha’s company, a timeshare sales firm, Kavitha wasted no time in recommending her for the position. Sally got the job, and has been working there ever since. But something happened: Sally and Kavitha drifted apart, and their friendship went from Saturday slumber parties and Sunday lunches to Tuesday afternoon meetings and office backstabbing.

“We were such good friends,” recalls Kavitha. “In the beginning, it was great. We’d have lunch together, car-pool to and from work, and meet clients. But I didn’t expect her to be so bitchy.”

It turned out that although Sally is a pleasant enough person, she’s very aggressive when it comes to work and her career. After a couple of months, she began to backstab Kavitha at the office. Kavitha heard rumours about Sally not being happy sharing sales ‘territories’ with Kavitha anymore, and that she was lobbying with the bosses to have it changed. Sadly, that same dissatisfaction stained their long-time relationship, and it turned sour. Five years of good friendship, gone in an instant.

Work And Play Don’t Mix

It’s a sad but necessary fact that work lives and personal lives don’t mix. No one can stand a friend who talks about work all the time, the same way that companies don’t tolerate employees who bring family problems to work. People always tell us that couples should not work together, and that families should stay away from setting up their own businesses unless they’re prepared for the bickering that will go on until someone or everyone dies. The two parts of our lives are not the same, so says Dr. Mark Pope, a career and family counsellor and Associate Professor at the University of Missouri.

“The real problem is the incongruity in behaviour between the friend-at-work and the friend-at-home,” he says.

At work, individuals are driven by money, by power and by their career objectives in the way they interrelate to their colleagues. But at a personal, out-of-office level, they are driven by emotions, by kindness, by gratitude. That’s what keeps families together longer than office teams: the motives are less selfish. In the same way, corporate high-achievers keep moving up: more money, more power.

Thus, when two people who share a personal relationship undertake a professional, working commitment, they find themselves making some tough decisions. All of a sudden, the motives behind our relationships are at conflict. Especially if one is a superior to the other.

“Where friends’ jobs put them into situations where they must discipline their friend, or must evaluate their friend’s work, or any situation which has a perceived negative result for one friend, there is potential for bad feelings between those involved.,” says Dr. Pope.

Subordinate-superior relationships are probably more obvious examples of how friends can fail to work together, but far more common is the peer relationship, like Kavitha and Sally. They both failed to acknowledge that something was going wrong. Most people would do the same: go on with their friendship, as though nothing has changed. But it’s hard when the person you’re chatting over tea with now is the same one who attacked your work in a meeting last week. Can you ignore it?

Dr. Pope says it’s absolutely imperative that you do. “Be sensitive to the work situation of each other,” he says. “Know that there will sometimes be situations where the work requirements will take precedence over the friendship, but that when you are away from work it is the ‘non-work’ parameters which are in effect at that time.”

Two Hearts, One Mind

Succeeding in that effort may be easier said than done. How many of us are able to openly talk about our friendship with each other without getting defensive? Someone must initiate the conversation, and whoever does is going to end up the Bad Guy. By starting it, you’re implying that you’re unhappy. The other person thinks it’s because of him or her, even if he or she does feel something wrong somewhere. It’s a classic recipe for disaster.

But by laying down some rules-of-conduct, and sticking by them, two friends should actually still be able to work together without their personal relationship getting in the way. One common but very effective rule is to not talk about work outside of the office.

“This draws an almost perceptible line between your office life and your personal life. It may be difficult at first, especially when you have many questions, and are excited about your new job. But after a while, it becomes natural,” says Jonathan, who was hired by an old schoolmate of his at his company. His friendship with his boss was strained at the beginning of their work-relationship, but after a frank chat over some beers, they agreed to some basic rules, including not having lunch together.

“Just like couples, friends shouldn’t see too much of each other. You get sick of them,” theorises Jonathan.

Kavitha suggests making sure there’s a ‘cooling-off’ period between work and meeting as friends. “It should be at least a couple of hours… long enough for you to get your work-mode out of your system, and turn to friend-mode again.”

Dr. Pope agrees, saying, “First, sit down with each other early in the work relationship and identify where there are likely to be problems. Second, establish clear boundaries.” Hopefully, this will nip any trouble likely to arise right in its bud.

Colleagues Or Friends?

Probably the most important decision that you’ll have to make is what your primary relationship is going to be: friends, or colleagues.

Many us find friends at our workplaces… or so we think. When push comes to shove, we ought to remember that the people we meet at the office are strangers to the rest of our lives, even if they do come over for Christmas once a year. And if they’re pushed into a corner, they will sacrifice their loyalty to their friendship with you if their career is at stake. Few people ever keep friends in the same place when they change companies, and those that do ordinarily have ulterior, ‘industry-wide’ motives. After all, you never know who might open doors for you in the future.

So it is with friends, except that because friendships have to do with our hearts more than our minds, we’re more susceptible to hurt and anger than we would be in other cases. Most of us can watch a colleague leave a company, never to be seen again, without so much as a “keep in touch!” But friends cannot maintain that level of disinterestedness. We bemoan friends who use us and leave us, but we there’s no problem with colleagues leveraging off each other. It is accepted behaviour. A part of life. Survival.

So, the most difficult question that two people will be faced with when working together is, “What are we first?” Some would say friends should stick together, no matter what. But others rank family first, work second, and friends as third, in that order of importance. Are you willing to sacrifice your friendship to become colleagues?

Of course, some sort of middle-ground would be ideal, but being human, that’s about as easy to find as a tiptoe balance on a slack-rope. Tread carefully, but the moment either of you see signs of the other falling over, then it’s time to reconsider your decision. It’s never too late to leave that job and save your friendship.

Photo credit: jonfeinstein. Click image to visit photographer.

A quick look at today’s papers will give you at least one report of a car accident in which a family of four or five were tragically killed. Often, these accidents are no fault of theirs — an overtaking vehicle, a drunk driver, even a cat caught in your headlights on a highway can make you panic and lose control. But while these driving hazards are beyond your control, you can at least do your best to make sure the environment within your own car is as safe as can be… especially for your children. Making sure everyone wears their seatbelts besides, curious toddlers and quarrelsome tweens can make you lose your concentration when driving… and I don’t think we need tell you how dangerous that can be.

Lock the windows

An annoying habit that many children have is fiddling with power windows. They wind them down, throw rubbish out of it (another story altogether!), then wind them up again. Then they do the same thing again. And again. It can be very irritating to a driver, so do lock your power windows. If your car does not have a power window lock, or if it uses manual windows, then take your car to a workshop to get them to fix it — either by installing a power window lock switch, or by removing the handles from the manual windows in the backseat. You can always put them back on later.

Lock the doors

It’s every parent’s worse nightmare: your child opening the car door whilst you’re in motion. And, yes, it can happen. All modern cars feature a child-proof door lock which prevents people from opening the door from the inside. But how many of us actually use it? Refer to your car’s user manual to find out how to operate this feature, or ask your friendly neighbourhood mechanic (although your husband ought to be able to figure it out himself). And while you’re at it, see if your car’s seat-belts have child-proof mechanisms which prevent their squirming out of them. If they don’t, ask a good car accessories shop for a gadget that makes regular seat belts fiddle-resistant.

Shut the kids up

Two kids having a shouting match in the backseat whilst you’re inching your way through shopping mall traffic is not what any parent had in mind when they decided to have children. Your already frayed nerves are slowly pushed into danger zone, you begin to lose patience on the road, and then…. Crash! You could a) yell at your child to shut up or no ice-cream; b) ignore it (which is very difficult); or, c) play silent games. One game like this is Stare (who can look into the other person’s eyes longest without blinking. Rules? No talking!). Another good game is Count the Cars (silently count how many green cars you see on the road). Always have the radio on in the background so that it does not seem too quiet in the car, and if they really must talk, play the all-time favourite game: I Spy. Start the game when you begin your journey, and end at your destination (or when they fall asleep, whichever happens first).

Don’t let them get bored

Children turn naughty when they’re bored, and nothing is quite as boring as sitting around a backseat all day… and an hour or two does seem like a day to them. As long as they are sufficiently entertained, they are generally quite happy to leave you alone. So, try and keep all manner of distractions in the car ready for use — toys, drawing paper and crayons, GameBoys, books on riddles and puzzles… anything that you can use to keep them occupied. For long journeys, try not to stop when your child is asleep. Instead, make your stops when the kids are awake, as these are invaluable opportunities for them to burn their energy.

What is a safe car?

Sedan? 4-wheel drive? MPV? Buying a car is a complex affair, but apart from what they tell you in the brochures, these are some other considerations.

• Sedans have a very low centre of gravity, and are therefore less likely to turn turtle on you if you need to make a sudden swerve. However, the doors and seats are also much lower to the ground, around the same level as all other vehicles’ bumpers. In a side-collision, passengers are far more likely to get hurt. If you drive a vehicle with exceptional safety standards (think Volvos), then this impact is very effectively dispersed to other parts of the car. Side airbags will also help protect passengers.

• 4-wheel drives have a much higher centre of gravity and are therefore less stable in sudden swerve situations. However, they have become much safer in recent years, especially with SUVs like Ford’s new Escape 2.3L VICS which features the Control Trac II 4WD System. This cool addition automatically proportions torque (even when in motion) in order to decrease the likelihood of slipping, especially on wet and slippery surfaces. Other safety features like Anti-lock Braking System (ABS) with Electronic Brake Distribution (EBD) have made driving 4-wheel-drives safer, too.

• MPVs (or Multi-Purpose Vehicles) have become very popular in the last decade because they offer so much space to families. However, when all this space is filled up, the additional weight can make avoiding a collision a tricky affair. The vehicle is less predictable with a full load, and, because it’s taller, it is also harder to control in sudden swerves. But again, modern additions like ABS make them safer than they were before.

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Close your eyes and think back to your childhood. You might remember your mother fussing over you the time you scraped your knee in a nasty tumble. You might recall your father urging you to the finish line on Sports Day. You might even have vivid memories of your birthday party when you turned the (then) grand age of twelve, your mom and dad singing along with your friends.

Now, take away one of your parents from those memories, and see what you have left.

For most of us, parents are a part of life. They are entwined with our earliest memories, good or bad. It is easy to take something as fundamental to life as our parents for granted. Like the air we breathe, haven’t they always been there? (Whether you wanted them there or not is beside the point).

Yet not all of us have had both parents around all the time. Some divorces mean that one parent has to stay away, although he or she can come to visit. But for many, their childhood memories only have one parent in them. Their albums may have yellowed photographs of the other, and somewhere in the back of their minds, they have hazy recollections of the missing mother or father’s smiling face. But that’s all they have.

As a child, separation must be a difficult concept to grasp — why can’t my parents just love each other? And what about me! But, as an adult with your own fair share of failed relationships, things take a different perspective.

Three women whose parents’ divorced under varying circumstances agreed to share their experiences of their childhood, and what their opinions are of their parents today. Now that they’re all grown up, perhaps what they have to say may strike a chord close to the heart of you, Dear Reader, should you be thinking about separation. All identities have been concealed to avoid any embarrassment.

CASE #1: Choosing the distance

For Catherine, now 35, the announcement of her parents’ divorce when she was was more a relief than a shock. From as far back as she can remember, they had bitter arguments which frequently ended up with blows being exchanged.

“My mother used to throw plates at him,” she says. “There was a lot of broken crockery in the kitchen in those days!”

But a cloud passes over her face as she recalls her mother’s bruised face, slumped against the bathroom wall, crying. Catherine was eight when her mother sat her down and told her she would be leaving her father. Catherine cried, but in her heart, she was glad; glad that there would not be anymore fights.

“My mother told me she would come to visit me every week,” Catherine says. But she doesn’t remember ever seeing her again.

Catherine’s mother gave up custody to her husband, and was free to visit her anytime she wanted. But she didn’t. Catherine’s father remarried, and moved away. She grew up with her grandmother, meeting him about twice a year.

“Maybe my mother was too afraid of getting beaten up again,” Catherine muses.

“At first, I remember being sad. And then, angry. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her at least once. I hated her for a long time afterwards. My mother failed as a parent; my father, too, for ‘chasing’ her away. But lately, I’ve come to forgive them both. It’s too burdensome carrying that hatred around.”

Catherine now has two children of her own — a boy, 8; and a girl, 6. She is divorced, but maintains a cordial relationship with the father of her children. He comes and visits whenever he can.

“I don’t want them growing up thinking he is a bad man,” she says. “My ex-husband and I may have failed each other, but that does not mean we have to fail our children.”

CASE #2: Remaining close

Photo credit: whatmegsaid. Click image to visit photographer.

Susan, 30, has fonder memories of growing up, even though her parents divorced when she was twelve. She cannot rightly say what the reasons for their separation was (“Probably something like ‘irreconcilable differences’,” says Susan), but in the big picture, it did not really matter.

“They used to argue a lot… but that’s the hallmark of all divorces, isn’t it?” says Susan.

Although Susan does say she would have liked it if they stayed together, she knows now that it was better that they didn’t. No child likes growing up with fighting parents. Hers were separated, but her father came to visit her almost every day. She stayed with her mother alone for the rest of her growing years, but never moved too far away from where her father lived.

“He would come round on his bicycle just to see me,” Susan giggles. “He’d ask me how my day at school was and sometimes take me to the shop for ice-cream.”

Yet Susan’s own relationships have never ended up with marriage, something which she suspects may have more to do with her own insecurities than with the men she has met. Subconsciously, she believes she may never make that commitment.

“I lived with my Mummy alone for many years. I know a woman can make it alone, without a man. Perhaps that is why I’m not desperate, even though I know my biological clock is ticking,” reflects Susan.

Her parents remain on good terms, and still see each other on birthdays and other family occassions.

“I don’t think I was abandoned,” says Susan. “I love both my parents very much, and I think that what they did was best for everyone.”

CASE #3: Lost and found

Sylvia’s story may sound painful to some, but none more so that she. Her parents married as rebels of their families. Her father was a door-to-door salesman, and being the possessive type (his wife was a sort of beauty queen), insisted that her mother stay at home. After two years of a chaotic and often violent marriage, she left home, leaving Sylvia behind.

But not without a fight. She tried to get Sylvia to stay with her, but her ex-husband scared her witless. His brothers threatened her with violence, forcing her to give up the chase. Alone, divorced (this was the early 1970s, mind you) and with a family that barely supported her cause, she fled and has remained as far away from him as possible.

“I don’t know whether I blame my father or my mother for what happened,” says Sylvia, now 33-years old. “He said she was a flirt; she said he was violent.”

Her father remarried several years later, and her growing years were not pretty. He was a womaniser and an alcoholic, both traits of which Sylvia came to understand very early in life. His second wife — barely eight years older than Sylvia herself — was as abusive as she was sneaky. As her stepmother, she made Sylvia’s life a misery for as long as she remained in school.

“I think I hated my real mother for abandoning me most during those years, when my stepmother made my life a living hell,” whispers Sylvia.

Twenty years after leaving her, Sylvia’s mother sent her a present in secret on her wedding day. Three years later, Sylvia was divorced. She had no children.

Then, out of the blue, Sylvia’s mother called her office to speak to her. Sylvia breaks into tears as she recalls the day she first heard her mother’s voice.

“I didn’t know what to think or feel,” recalls Sylvia. “I felt angry, happy and sad all at the same time. I felt like a baby, and wanted so much to tell her of the nights I spent crying, alone, by the window, when Daddy was out getting drunk.” Sylvia says.

But she didn’t say any of those things. Instead, she put up a brave front. She figured that her mother’s phone call took a lot of courage, so Sylvia made sure she said all the right things: “Yes, the gold bangle on her wedding day was lovely,” (it didn’t fit); “My stepmother is not too bad,” (she was horrible); “My ex-husband was a bad man,” (he is a good guy, and they are still friends).

Several phone calls later, they agreed to meet.

“She said on a Wednesday that we’d meet on Friday for dinner, without the knowledge of HER husband or HER (other) daughter,” says Sylvia. “For a split second, I felt special; our relationship would be our secret.”

But her mother chickened out and stood Sylvia up. What hurt Sylvia most was that during all the conversations they had, it was all about her mother’s daughter, her mother’s husband, her mother’s S-curved hair, her mother’s beatings from Sylvia’s father. It was all about her, her, her.

“Occasionally, when her conscience kicked in, she asked about me,” says Sylvia. “If I got beaten as a child, if I smoked or if I was mad at her.”

That was the last time Sylvia heard from her, five years ago. She is not thinking about remarrying.

Games, games, games.

The sign reads “Sunshine Cybercafe — 24-hours”, but this dingy shop in Subang Jaya, Malaysia has never seen the light of day. The smell of stale cola and cigarette smoke waft out the door as two pallid-faced tweens step out. Behind them, machine guns fire, grenades explode and bombs drop.

One boy massages his right hand. The other cracks his knuckles. These are their battle wounds. War Craft, Doom, Quake, Counterstrike: for USD0.50 an hour – 20% off for members – kids at Sunshine Cybercafe can be the good guys in cyberspace around the clock. Beverages not included.

Death by gaming

For many kids, computer games has become a serious addiction. Although authorities and health professionals are already clued in to the problem, many parents are not. But while the games are purely make believe, the hazards of excessive computer gaming are most certainly real.

In 2007, a 30-something man in Beijing died after a three-day internet gaming binge. In Hong Kong, a 28-year-old man and 17-year old boy died within a year of each other, both while playing the same first-person shooter. Deaths by gaming have also been reported in the US, where a man died after a week of playing Nintendo; and in South Korea, where a man died after four days of non-stop online games.

“Our society is becoming more computer dependent not only for information, but also for fun and entertainment,” says Dr. Maressa Orzack, Ph.D. of the Computer Addiction Service at Harvard-McLean Hospital in the U.S. “This trend is a potential problem affecting all ages, starting with computer games for kids.”

Dr. Orzack, who has been studying computer addiction of various forms for nearly twenty years, says that it is an emerging disorder suffered by people who find the virtual reality on computer screens more attractive than everyday reality.

“It is a problem very similar to Pathological Gambling or Compulsive Shopping; and, like other addictions, it affects other people such as family, friends, and co-workers,” she explains.

Healing the wounds

Computer game addiction is overwhelmingly more likely to be a problem with boys than girls. Computer games allow teenage boys to escape from peer pressures into his own private fantasy, where he can control everything. They seek solace in cybergames the way teenage girls seek solace in binge diets. Both addictions offer the illusion of control, which explains why Dr. Orzack recommends treating computer addiction just like you would treat eating disorders.

“The basic idea is to teach people how to normalise their behaviour — a key goal in eating disorder therapy.”

The technique, known as “cognitive-behavioral therapy” teaches you to monitor your thoughts and identify the ones that trigger addictive action. Dr. Orzack also encourages the use of Motivational Interviewing to set goals for kids who already know they are spending too much time at gaming and want to get better.

“All this is besides getting him or her to spend more time doing other things like sports or reading,” says Dr. Orzack.

Symptoms of Computer Game Addiction

• Inability to stop playing (for example, at mealtimes)
• Playing into the wee hours of the morning
• Reluctant to take part in family activities
• Lying about when or how long he’s been at the computer
• Back aches, dry eyes and carpal tunnel syndrome
• Seems happier when playing games than any other time
• Declining grades at school