What your man’s car says about him
Besides its owner’s income, a man’s car says volumes about his life priorities, sense of humour, psyche and potential Female Permanent Residents. Read on to see what tales his car has to tell about him.
Photo credit: The Pug Father. Click image to visit photographer.
Styling
Sporty, practical or boxy — what stage of life is he in?
The average Joe almost always wants to have a sporty car, and if he’s young and unattached and has money to splurge, he will express his boyishness with a car that is eye-catching (red, black or yellow) and sleek. However, this does not mean it has to be fast — fast cars are an expensive indulgence for the very wealthy. Even a mini can be accessorised with a bodykit and made to look like a lean, mean racing machine… and some of them really are!
On the other hand, a Responsible Man approaching the age of Settling Down And Having Children usually drives something a lot more practical and spends little on accessorising his vehicle other than tinted glass to make it more comfy. Think grey or blue sedans in their original colours, the kind of cars you see everyday and don’t look twice at. This is a man often dedicated to other priorities, such as his career, his savings, his Ikea-furnished apartment, his dog… and yes, his wife. This man is solidly reassuring, rarely exciting and, unfortunately, usually taken.
Loading ...If you’re dating a man with a boxy, van-type ride, such as an MPV, then I’ve got bad news: he is already a family man. This is the type of car the Responsible Man (above) trades up for in anticipation of kids, a servant and trips to the beach. Make no mistake about it: men do not buy MPVs to pick up girls. If he’s doing so with you, you may want to check for a pair of stilettos under the front seat (see “Hidden Secrets”, below).
Hidden Secrets
High-heels, roll-on, shoe polish, toys and garbage bags
A car has many nooks and crannies that guys fill up with stuff they don’t want to see… and don’t want seen by others. This is typical guy behaviour, of course (just wait till you see his refrigerator), and in no way discredits him. It’s what he’s hiding that’s really interesting.
Firstly, evidence of Another Woman, possibly a Permanent Resident may be found in a pair of high-heels (check under front/rear seat or boot), used to walk from the car to the restaurant and back again, but nowhere else. A tube of hand cream (glove compartment) may be used to combat hot weather, but not by a guy. You might even find a pair of torn pantyhose stuffed into the door compartment. If you’re particularly unlucky, however, you’ll come across ladies underwear in the back seat, too.
The glove compartment is a treasure trove of information and almost as private to a man as his wallet. Here, you may find signs that he is somewhat smelly — roll-on and perfume are both suggestive of this unfortunate flaw that otherwise nice guys sometimes have. You may also get an insight into his character if you find shoe polish: he either insists on looking good at all times or he is habitually late for appointments. A bag of garbage is good: he has at least enough civic consciousness to not throw rubbish out the window.
Finally, do you see a child’s toy in the backseat? This could belong to his nephew or niece like he says (less probable — they would have taken it with them when they left), or to his own children which you’ll never meet (more probable). Hint: remember that children’s toys are often not what they seem. A drinking straw, a clothes hanger, a cooking ladle or even an empty cassette case are all favourite baby toys. But what you really don’t want to find, what truly stands out as an awful reflection of the guy’s character, is an electric shaver… with a car charger attached to it. I shouldn’t have to tell you that this means he is a slob — be warned!
Ornaments
Stuffed toys, bumper stickers and those ridiculous, bouncy-headed nodders — what’s his male psyche?
Ornaments are a big part of what makes a man’s car his, because this is about the only way he can differentiate his vehicle from the next. But how he utilises his dashboard space and interior walls go a long way towards explaining the type of person he is.
Start with the dashboard: does it have one of those annoying, wobbly-headed nodders? The kind that nods goofily at you while you’re stuck in stop-and-go traffic? If there is a nodder, what is it? A cartoon character? A celebrity? Does it look like a free gift put there on impulse, or did he actually (ugh!) buy the dirty, smelly little thing, and make it the pride and joy of his cabin?
Ok, so there’s no nodder. Fine. Let’s move on to stuffed toys: teddy bears, cats and other assorted animals are an almost sure sign of the presence of a Female Permanent Resident that he’s not telling you about (guys don’t dig Garfield tissue-box cases, no matter what they say). However, don’t be surprised to find a pair of furry dice hanging from his rear view mirror or some throw pillows in the backseat… although lacy covers should be construed as a red flag.
Bumper stickers are a good way to gauge his Wit Quotient — are they clever, or clichéd? They are also an excellent peek into his psyche (“NoUniversityAtAll” and other such declarations of independence could imply issues with his self-confidence), whilst offering even better clues into his working life — all work and no play makes John a drag.
Finally, if you don’t see any decoration at all — nothing hanging from the rear view mirror (religious artefacts don’t count), nothing in the rear window space, no clever bumper stickers and no dashboard ornament — then you can count on him being an extremely intriguing, hard-to-judge man. He does not believe in expressing his ambitions, philosophies and disappointments in his surroundings, so you’re going to have to figure out all of that stuff by yourself. Enjoy!
Sounds
Loud and obnoxious, clattering and wheezy, silent and steady — what type of man is he?
If there is one characteristic about his car that is most easily identifiable in him, it is the way it sounds… and we’re not talking about his choice of music (although that says a lot, too).
There is a myth that all men love cars. Not true. A clattering, wheezy engine tells you two things about a man:
- He does not really care what you or anyone else thinks about his car; and,
- Even if he did, he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it because he does not know much about cars.
Here is a man who hears his sick car crying for help but (gasp!) cannot be bothered to do anything about it — a rare breed indeed. Unfortunately, this also means that he does not take care of any of his other possessions, either — to him, all material gain is temporary and he places zero importance on them.
And then there is the silent purr of a well-maintained engine, all cylinders firing, the exhaust sensibly quiet as it should be. This is a man who likes hearing his car run well, and when it does, he feels good. The slightest squeak is a cause for concern. He opens the bonnet every weekend and spends several hours cleaning, polishing, tuning and caring for his vehicle. You will feel ignored, but you should not be so hard on yourself: after all, the car was there before you.
Of course, if a man has tuned his car to be loud enough to wake the devil, then you can bet on him having an equally loud and overbearing personality that will drown your voice and opinions in heated arguments. He has modified his car to be like that because he is fed up of being ignored on the road. He wants to be seen and heard. He has deep-seated issues with his self-worth that you will find hard to unearth, and you’ll have to put up with his childish revving in the dead of the night when he wants to announce his arrival.
He wants to be King. Hear him roar.
Cleanliness
Polished to shine, mud-splattered roadster or dust magnet — how much does he really care about himself?
Photo credit: wickenden. Click image to visit photographer.
If the way a man cares for his car on the inside is an indication of how well he takes care of his belongings (see “Sounds”, above), then the way he cares for his car on the outside hints at how well he takes care of himself.
A car that is always clean and polished, with the mats all dusted and the windscreen always bright, shows a man who is concerned about his health and looks and goes to great lengths to ensure that both are in tip top condition. A well-groomed car implies a well-groomed driver, and a well-groomed driver implies a well-groomed bill of health. Ask him why he cares so much for his car, and he’ll answer “Because I love myself”. You can either love or hate this in a man, depending on whether you think you should top his list of priorities.
On the other hand, a mud-splattered, sandy car with months of grime that cannot hope to ever be removed smacks of a man with an unhealthy diet, greasy hair and poor self-projection. He thinks that his car will last without care, and tends to believe the same thing about his body. He wants to use it for as long as he can and with a minimum number of overhauls, maximising his investment in it and disregarding all its pleas for a little tender love and care. He intends to do the same with his physical body. Ask him why, and he’ll answer: “It’s just a car.”
The man with a dusty ride and water-streaked windows straddles the space between these two extremes. Here is a man who works hard for his money, driving in the city every day. The neglect he shows for his car and his health is probably due more to being pressed for time than stubborn indifference. Ask him why he does not show his vehicle more respect and he’ll answer: “No time.”
At least you won’t have to worry about his car coming before you.
