Boy or girl?

On any given day, Ambrose gets called at least one name: Faggot, Pondan, Bapok, Crossdresser, Ladyman, plus several other, less tasteful appellations. But she, like many others, has learned to ignore them. Yes, she’s a transgender — but what of it?

Seeing as only one in 30,000 people are transgenders, this does not affect the majority of us who are used to dealing with men as men and women as women. We laugh at anyone that appears to be caught in between, man or woman. But when someone you thought you knew so well, say, your brother, tells you in confidence that he believes he’s a girl, how are you supposed to react?

Transgenders generally believe that they were born into the wrong body, although this view has been widely disputed. Some say it is because of doting mothers. Some say it is because of doting sisters.

The fact is that neither is true, according to research done by Yik Koon Teh, a professor at University Utara Malaysia. In the survey of male transsexuals, 81-percent of the respondents said that they had both male and female role models in the family, and were NOT influenced by their sisters, as is generally believed by the public. Also, most find their first companion in other transgender friends.

Shakila, a 38-year-old transgender and counselor at The Pink Triangle Foundation could not agree with the professor more.

“I have met many people who go through their whole lives trying to deny who they are,” says Shakila. “Then, when they’re sixty, after having kids and grandchildren, they finally accept it.”

Whether or not transgenderism is ‘natural’ or not is still a point of debate. What is certain is that the issue of transgenderism runs much deeper than we think. No one is to blame, and no one is at fault — would you say you are at fault for being a woman?

Brother, sister or in between?

To understand transgenderism, we must first understand the difference between sex and gender.

Sex is the biological physical trait that you were born with, denoting either female or male. Gender, on the other hand, is less to do with your physical characteristics, and more with your appearance or behaviours — masculine or feminine (although even this is not entirely accurate). You could thus be born a male (or female) anatomically. Yet, for all intents and purposes, you may act and relate to society as a woman (or man).

Your first step towards helping your sibling through this difficult time is accepting that your brother is no longer your brother — he is now your sister. ‘He’ has become ‘her’. Nothing will give her more joy than for you to start relating to her as a sister instead of a brother. Acceptance is the first step to making her feel as comfortable as possible around your home. It is non-acceptance that makes young girls like her run away from home and wind up on the streets.

Once you have accepted her new being, you must now try to help her find out more about herself. There are many things to consider about transgenders, not just the clothes they wear. Is she just a transvestite who likes to dress up as a girl? Is she an angrogyne, who prefers to be neither? Or, is she a transsexual, completely defecting from the boys’ club?

Once you both understand exactly what is going on, you can start helping her transition into society better for everyone.

Telling your parents

The first thing that you’ll worry about is how to tell your parents that their son is actually their daughter. However, you needn’t worry too much about it because chances are your parents already know. In fact, it’s likely that they’ve suspected it since she was nine or ten years old. All you will be doing is confirming their suspicions.

Mothers generally take the news better than fathers, so you should probably broach the subject with her first. In any case, make sure your new sister is present so that she can prepare herself for the backlash.

“A sister must first understand her brother (sister), and then accept and respect her for who she is,” says Ambrose. “Don’t reveal it to anyone until she is ready. And even then, be very careful.”

Although the majority of transgenders have at least completed their secondary school, only a small minority ever attend an institute of higher learning. Many transgenders end up as sex workers, with a large majority living around the poverty line. This is why family support is so important to transgenders. If you make her feel uncomfortable, she will feel that she has nowhere to go to but her friends.

“Over the last decade or so, society has at least come to understand transgenders,” says Shakila. “But acceptance is still hard to come by.”

Accept or reject

It is this notion of acceptance that is central to transgenders’ fight for their place in society. To a transgender, how they look is still not as important as how they feel. They know that they don’t look very convincing as women; but they dress up as them anyway because it’s better than trying to be a man.

“Think of a man who is ashamed to be a man. He tries to dress up as a woman — how could he possibly be happy? He’s not a woman. It’s just too bad that he looks bad as a man,” explains Ambrose, asking people to regard transgenders as transgenders — not men trying to be women, but real women.

“I have many friends who have tried to adapt by marrying a nice (natural) girl and even having a couple of children to boot. But, ten years later, they find they are very unhappy with themselves. So they divorce and accept themselves as transgenders. At long last, they are happy… no matter how much people tease them,” Ambrose continues.

Keeping the relationship with your brother open is of paramount importance, now that he’s become your sister. Try to regard her as a naturally born girl. Talk about things with her that you would with your other girlfriends. This welcomes her into your confidence, and even if she never feels accepted anywhere else, she knows she is loved by you.

“She is still the same person, with the same values that she had as your brother,” advises Shakila. “Treat her as your equal — she is a young lady just like you now, with the same concerns and aspirations.”

Identity and preference

What is the difference between gays and transgenders?

Sexual preference indicates which sex you find romantically attractive. You could be attracted to the opposite sex (heterosexual), same sex (homosexual) or both (bisexual).

Gender identity is how you see yourself, regardless of what anatomy you may have been born with. You could be a male who relates as a woman; a female who relates as a man; or you could be neither, relating to society as a third, completely independent gender (androgynous).

Sexual identity is strictly to do with how you perceive yourself physically, as male, female or in between. If you were born male but wish to see yourself as female, than you are female, and vice-versa. Such a person is called a transsexual, regardless of whether they have actually had an operation or not.

Where did those boobs come from?

A fake boob.

Most transgenders say that the way they look is very important to them. Shakila, a transgender and counsellor with The Pink Triangle Foundation, tells all about boob-jobs.

A biological male that wants to be regarded as a woman has two choices when it comes to her breasts: hormone therapy or implants.

The use of hormones is the favourite choice, because not only does it enhance your bust, but it also helps smoothen your skin and reduce bodily hair. Shakila says that going on them at a young age produces better results, because the older you get, the harder it is to change the way your body is.

“If you want to help your new-found sister find herself, get your parents to take her to meet an open-minded doctor first to see which drug suits her best,” says Shakila.

Breast implants are increasingly favoured for older transgenders, especially the salt-water, non-silicone type. But the candidate must first have the basic tissues required, which means undergoing hormone therapy.

Finally, not everyone can get breast implants — your sister’s body may reject them, so make sure she is prepared for disappointment.

Is he a transgender? Signs to look for include…

Boy's toy.

Playing with female toys: 68-percent of transsexuals only played with female toys when they were young. 82-percent also say that they only played female roles. Also, most of them only have girls as their playmates.

Household chores: Most transgenders actually have a liking for household chores like tidying up, cooking and sewing — big no-nos for most young boys.

Cross-dressing: Transgenders start experimenting with cross-dressing when they’re about twelve years old.

Dating: Most transgenders will have a guy as their first serious date; they will also most likely experience sex for the first time with a guy, and it will probably be at a young age (between 12 and 16).