Be like her and you won't need the car.

It’s easy to become irresistible to men. Don’t believe us? Check out these easy-to-follow steps!

1. Always be well-groomed

   Think of the woman whom you consider to be the best-dressed babe in your office — what kind of responses does she evoke from your male colleagues? Respect? Awe? Lust? It’s easy to understate the importance of being well-groomed, yet a good-fitting suit — one that accentuates the right curves and hides the flab — does wonders for your personal outlook.

   
   

   “It’s called the halo effect,” explains Steven Jeffes, author of Appearance is Everything (Sterling House). “People who are attractive are presumed to possess higher levels of intellect and motivation, they’re presumed to be friendlier and more outgoing, as well as perceived to be capable of far greater accomplishments than those who are not. It’s all based on perception.”

   Well-groomed does not mean expensive or even beautiful. You may never be a movie star, but at the very least, you can look pleasant. So, take a good look at yourself and your wardrobe. Are you wearing clothes that suit your body type? Do you have at least one nice dress to use on dates, one that really brings out your best features, one that has never failed to make heads turn? What about your hair — are you maintaining it at a suitable length? The ‘halo effect’ can not only help your career, but can also make you one of the hottest assets around.

2. Learn how to cook

   ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,’ goes the old saw. So, if you know how to cook, you’ve already won half the battle. And if you know how to cook well, then I don’t know why you’re reading this in the first place!

   How to cook bacon.

   Cooking does not mean fried chicken or instant noodles (even if it does come with veggies and tuna). Cooking means curries, pies, soups, stews… and none of that out-of-the-packet seasoning. Not many men know how to cook themselves, but they all have mothers and they know the difference between a real home-cooked meal and a poor, instant imitation.

   If you don’t know at least four or five dishes already, then pick up a cookbook (I recommend anything by Jamie Oliver — his recipes really do work!) and start experimenting. Cooking is an art, and the only way to improve is through practice. The hypnotic effect good food has on a man — any man — is well documented. Cook your target a curry or something and you’ll leave an indelible impression on his mind.

3. Laugh a lot

   It’s been said that the most attractive characteristic a man can possess is a powerful sense of humour. Well, the same is true for women … to a certain extent. Although it’s usually the man who is expected to make the woman laugh, all men can appreciate a woman who can do the same in return, especially one who can laugh at herself.

   Men and their jokes are often insensitive to women, which is what made Catherine 23, so appealing to Brad, 25: she was able to laugh right along to his buddies’ jokes about women’s PMS.

   “She listened attentively and laughed out loud when the punchlines hit, even though the jokes were aimed at her sex,” recalls Brad. “It made me think: now here is a woman who is a lot of fun — I’d like to get to know her better.”

   The one thing that usually makes men better friends than women is that they know when a joke is a joke, even if it’s aimed at them. They don’t take things as personally as women are likely to. If you can learn to detach yourself in this way, you’ll be one of his favourite people to hang around with — always irresistible.

4. Don’t be Needy

   Although the movies and songs tell you otherwise, men actually love women who are independent enough to take care of themselves. Needy women mean high-maintenance, and most men to not want that kind of burden on their time and energy.

   The Needy Woman.

5. Read a lot

   Although you don’t have to be a nuclear physicist to hold a conversation with a man, most men — the ones worth knowing, at least — do expect a degree of intellect that is at least equal to their own. In the airline hospitality industry, stewards often joke about whether a woman could be a wife or only a girlfriend. Dumb blondes always fall into the second category.

   Yes, it’s true that some men are intimidated by women who seem smarter than them. But these blokes are not the ones we’re interested in, are we? Insecure men (or women, for that matter) are like orphaned earrings: you never know whether to keep them in the hope that they find what it is they’re missing; or whether to throw them out because they’re only cluttering up your space. But you always end up doing the latter anyway.

   Read books that stimulate thought. Do a general knowledge quiz or IQ test now and then to sharpen your wit. Watch documentaries instead of those dumb reality TV shows. All of the above will help make you more interesting and more appealing — intellectually — than before. Now, even if he does get bored of gazing into your eyes, he’ll never get bored of hearing you speak.




6. Be a Smiley, not a Grumpy

   

   A smile never goes out of fashion.

   Smileys have always met with more success than Grumpies when it comes to making friends. A pleasant grin lights up your eyes and makes you glow, giving you a radiance that no amount of make-up or exercise can do. It is a universally-accepted way of showing your agreeable nature, and is easily the most effective way of becoming more sexy and attractive in an instant.

   If you’ve got nothing to be happy about, then you’ve got to start from the bottom up. Start smiling even if you don’t feel like it. Soon, the smiles will come easier to you, and you’ll be able to do it without thinking. Keep it up, and you’ll turn your downward-turned lips into a pleasant, sunny face — one he’ll enjoy seeing anytime of the day.

7. Respect his space

   When men date women they lose some of their personal space. There is nothing wrong with that — by dating you, they are agreeing to let you into their world to see how you like it. But like your space, their space is personal and to intrude upon it everyday will make him feel crowded.

   “I couldn’t stand the way she just wanted to do everything with me,” says Alan, 26, in recalling a girl whom he used to date. “Whether it was going to the pub or playing a game of football, she just had to come along. I felt choked. There was no room for me anymore!”

   You have to learn to tell how close is too close (see our sidebar: Just How Much Space Is Enough?), and once you know the boundaries, stay out of them. A woman who can respect a man’s space like that will be his favourite gal for a long, long time.

8. Know a little about sports

   David Beckham is probably the best thing that has happened to football in the last hundred years. Why? Because he has elevated the popularity of the game to a level hitherto unheard of, a level that includes an audience of women.

   In Bend It Like Beckham, Parminder Nagra plays the role of a football-mad girl who wants to play soccer. How I wish my girlfriends were like that when I was young. But whilst men will never expect you to tell a banana kick from a drive, they will appreciate it if you could tell the difference between Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal.

   My dream girl.

   Women who are able to dig the World Cup are in particularly high demand when the competition comes around every four years. Why not start doing your homework now? Better yet, why not choose a team to support?

9. Have a hobby

   Women who are bored are unattractive because it looks like they do not value their own time and space. Men are very drawn to women who have an engrossing hobby of some sort, one that they can retreat to every now and then. Partly, it’s because by having that hobby, you are declaring that your life is very much your own and is separate from his. But it is also the indefinable attraction that men have for a woman who is concentrating on something.

   So, why not take up something interesting like photography or writing or paragliding? Women who write poetry are said to be very intriguing to men, because the prose they compose is often beyond the comprehension of the male mind (and very often beyond the female mind, too). Women who can sing and play the piano or guitar are particularly sexy. There are thousands of possible hobbies out there — pick one up that interests you, because that will keep you interesting to him.

10. Sharpen your bedroom skills

    
    

    Ah, I suppose this was to be expected. You cannot expect to be irresistible if you don’t know how to get it on. But it’s more than just sex. You have to be able to give the impression that you know every trick there is to know without needing a live demonstration to prove it.

    We’ve all met a man or woman who has given us the feeling that he or she knows a thing or two about carnal pleasure. Yet, these same people do not appear slutty or cheap, because they’re not. It’s in the sparkle in their eye when they look at you, or in the way their lips curl into a smile. You feel like giving yourself up to them and letting them do what they will with you, because you’re positive that they know best.

    Do your research — on the Web, in women’s magazines, the DVD shop — and learn all you can about sex. It’s the one thing that never goes out of fashion with men.

How much space is too much space?

Risky diet.

A healthy body…

…makes for a healthy mind — Clichéd, we know, but true. Now that Mom has stopped fussing over you (you asked for it!), and home-cooked food seems like a distant memory, it’s really up to you to take care of yourself. Hey — growing up has its price, you know.

Three years is a long time to go without a proper diet and healthy lifestyle. You’re in danger of picking up several bad habits in college that could stay with you for life if you’re not careful — smoking, for instance. And snacking. And sleeping.!

Year One

Physical:

You will struggle to come to terms with the fact that a) there is no food like Mum’s food, and b) you actually miss the twice-weekly Phys Ed. class at school. Try to keep up some sort of exercise regimen.

Mental:

Your future will never seem bleaker than it does in your first year at college. Your life is in your hands, now. How will you get by? A scary thought, of course, but you mustn’t let it weigh too heavily on your mind. Try to enjoy college instead of hating it, and you’ll find the pressure a lot easier to deal with.

Emotional:

Apart from the fact that you’ve just lost all your friends from school, your family is treating you a little differently, too. You’re not Daddy’s Girl anymore (well, not for much longer, anyway), and you kid brother has stopped annoying you. Keep smiling. This emotional slump is only temporary.

Year Two

Physical:

By now, you should be more or less settled in with your new way of life. The good: you don’t miss Mum’s cooking as much. The bad: you’re comfortable, and therefore, vulnerable to bad influence. This is the year you’re most likely to pick up smoking, so don’t.

Mental:

The Finals are still a year away, and though the thought of failing them does cross your mind, you don’t seriously believe you could. Or could you? You will be plagued by self-doubt this year, and must avoid the trap of low self-belief. Keep your chin up!

Emotional:

You’ve got new friends and your family is honourably supportive of you. You may even have a special someone in your life. Great! But remember to keep up your grades. The best friends in the world won’t be able to make you feel good about yourself if all you’re managing are Cs and Ds!

Year Three

Physical:

Yes, you’ve put on a few pounds. But it’s nothing serious. As your exams get closer though, the quality of your diet tends to deteriorate (like you didn’t know that). Remember: Healthy Body = Healthy Mind. You need to eat well if you’re to study well!

Mental:

Often, the most challenging part about major exams is facing them. What you have to tell yourself now is that you have nothing to be afraid of. How could a bright girl like you be scared of a silly exam paper? Pah! No fear!

Emotional:

The pressure is really going to be building up around you. Your happy-go-lucky friends suddenly aren’t smiling anymore, and all your Mum seems to talk about are Your Exams. Repeat after me: I will not crack under stress.

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Career opportunities await.

Tired of being the flunky at work? Time to get your act together and start playing to win!

Nothing was going right for Alice. She’d been hired as Junior Copywriter three years ago. Drafted into a growing advertising agency, she saw it expand to nearly twice the size it was when she joined. Yet, she had never been asked if she’d be interested in a promotion. Instead, she watched three men and one woman take up the position of Senior Copywriter, and all left the company within a year.

Finally, after all those doughnut lunches and midnight dinners, she handed in her resignation. Not because she had found another job, but because she was so frustrated at playing second fiddle.

“As junior copywriter, I got no credit,” says Alice, 26. “If my ideas were good, they’d be approved to show to clients. And if the clients liked them, then they’d become successful ad copies. But I never got any credit for it — the glory always went to the so-called ‘team leader’, which was the Senior Copywriter, of course.”

When the management received her resignation, they didn’t make much of a fuss because they didn’t realise the talent they were losing. They didn’t know that Alice was the creative spark behind so many campaigns, because she never got recognition for her work. And so the company lost a valuable mind, and Alice probably lost a sterling career in a growing organisation.

It’s called playing second fiddle, being the lackey, being the cog in someone else’s wheel: as long as you keep turning, they keep moving. But there are reasons why you find yourself in this position, and there are ways to get out.

Why you’re here

Although a CBS News poll suggests differently, experts generally agree that most of the time, a woman’s career is held back primarily because of herself. According to Cathy Goodwin , PhD, author, speaker and career coach, there are five things that could be getting in the way of your moving up at work:

1. Not finding out

   …whether the position is available in the first place, or if the title and salary advertised is negotiable. Companies often don’t have the budget to move people up a rung arbitrarily, so it could simply be bad timing.

   What you can do about it:

   “Before you enter a negotiation, find out if there are restrictions on what you can get,” says Goodwin. “For instance: if a job is advertised at a certain title and salary, some companies will not negotiate beyond what is formally posted. If your company has a limit on raises, you can’t get more unless your boss jumps through a lot of hoops.”

2. Not knowing the company’s direction

   …and assuming that the position must be there because someone had it last week. It could have been made redundant, or it could be that they have taken its role and made it someone else’s responsibility. It’s not very fair, but it’s not your fault, either.

   What you can do about it:

   “Companies reward people for doing what the company wants,” says Goodwin. “If the company’s values conflict with yours, you have a decision to make.”

3. Not documenting your contributions

   …to the company. People have a short memory, and few HR departments keep track of employee successes. Most are only interested in employee failures.

   What you can do about it:

   “Write down every little success that contributes to the bottom line of your company or division,” advises Goodwin. “How has your work helped your boss get his or her accomplishment? Show how your job has increased sales and (hopefully) profit, saved time and/or money, or somehow added value.” Goodwin also warns that if you have a job with no measurable contribution to the bottom line, then you should start thinking about a career change.

4. Misjudging the boss

   …can severely hamper your chances of breaching the subject of getting promoted. Different bosses have different negotiating styles — some bosses like people to challenge them, some prefer written documents, others face-to-face conversation, others e-mail. And most bosses need some higher authority to approve promotions or raises.

   What you can do about it:

   You need to make it easy for your boss to make a case for you when approaching his boss. When applying for a promotion, make your case in the cover letter so your boss can ‘sell’ you.

5. Being unsure about yourself

   …makes you unfocused and incapable of appearing confident about what you want. What’s your market value? Are you ready to move for more money? Do you have other options if this doesn’t work out?

   What you can do about it:

   “If you know your bottom line, you will have the quiet confidence that communicates nonverbally,” says Goodwin. “If you are not marketable, do the best you can with this go-around and then begin to consider a career or job change. Or, find ways that you can become more marketable on the job, such as courses or classes.”

Politicking your move up

Being an Assistant Something-or-the-Other does not exclude you from the politics of your workplace. As Susan Roane, keynote speaker and best-selling author of The Secrets of Savvy Networking says: “Waste not one moment lamenting about the horrible politics in your firm, company or association. There is no gathering of three or more persons that is free of politics.”

Although the game gets tougher the higher you get, even the most menial position at your office is subject to political influences. And changing jobs is not the answer.

“Some people sincerely believe that if they change jobs or firms, the politics will go away and they’ll live happily ever after,” says RoAne. “It isn’t true of marriages; why should it be true of work?”

Not being politically savvy can affect your chances of a promotion in more ways than one, according to RoAne.

“Office politics has taken a rap from people who don’t get the plums,” she says. “No one complains about politics who has been the beneficiary of some savvy actions.”

These are some of the perceptions your colleagues may have of you, and what you can do to counter them:

1. You lack career management skills

   …and have no clue as to what to do next. Anyone who wants to go anywhere must have a plan, a roadmap to get there. If you appear content to stay where you are and bitch about it, your boss will think that you’re headed nowhere… and no one likes a corporate nomad.

   Change this perception by:

   Firstly, getting to know Who’s Who. This is very crucial, because there are some whose opinions count, and other’s who don’t. You want to make sure you work on the people who do. “Observe your colleagues, subordinates and supervisors,” suggests RoAne. “Who eats with whom? Who works out together? Commutes together?”

2. Being a loner rather than a team player

   …will not make you a successful leader.  People don’t know you well enough to want you to be in a position of power. Promoting you would be a disaster to the team, since no one else will understand why you deserve the move.

   Change this perception by:

   Listening, says RoAne — to conversations in staff rooms, at clients’ and even in the washrooms. Some may describe this listening strategy as eavesdropping, but this ‘informal listening’ allows us to learn of birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, co-workers’ loss of loved ones and more, so we can take the appropriate steps to acknowledge these events. “If used properly, the office grapevine can be a powerful career aid,” insists RoAne. “It can provide you with a great deal of useful information, including rumours, many of which become fact.” With this information, you can very easily become more approachable at work, thereby increasing the number of people who think of you as a team player.

3. Being un-promotable

   …but why would anyone think that of you? You work hard, are committed and loyal and don’t take two-hour lunch breaks — what gives? Simply speaking, people just don’t think you have what it takes. You come across as someone who makes a good worker, but a lousy leader.

   Change this perception by:

   Reading the body language of your co-workers as names and assignments are mentioned. This is an almost foolproof way of learning about who works for the company, and who works for him/herself. Armed with this knowledge, you can now judge your colleagues better, and make suggestions to the bosses before work is handed out. They will appreciate your insight, and you go from dead-end worker to possible leader overnight.

Should you move on?

If you find that the reasons you’re stuck are far too many to be comfortably assailed, then it is time to think that maybe you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s one of those rare instances when it really isn’t your fault that you’ve not been promoted.

But do you want to move into another Assistant Something-or-the-Other position? Of course not! Still, even if other organisations are already waiting to sign up your services, there are some things to consider when moving out instead of moving up. Cheryl Ferguson, a recruiter and host of The Recruiter’s Studio, says that “while it is always flattering to be singled out for a lead on a great new opportunity, you can avoid a lot of surprise, heartache and frustration by doing your homework before making a move.”

Ms Ferguson has three suggestions about whether you want take up an offer or keep looking, and what to ask during the meeting stage before any dotted lines are signed:

1. Learn all you can about the company

   …because you want to at least make sure you’re interested in their line of business. Visit the company website. Find out about the top management, and ask around to see if they’ve been successful in the past. “Has the company raised money, won an award, or signed an exclusive agreement with a key business partner?” asks Ferguson. These are things you’ll want to know before meeting them.

   At the pre-job meeting you should:

   Find out what the people on your team think about the company. They’re probably going to say it’s all good, so go one step further and ask them how long they’ve been with the company — always a good indication of how high the staff turnover is, and therefore whether people are generally happy working there or not. You should also find out what the expectations are for the role, because you don’t want to be unpleasantly surprised with unrealistic goals or with resolving a lot of issues your predecessor left behind. “Ask if there are staff, a budget and timeline in place to meet those expectations,” Ferguson advises.

2. Get a sense of the company culture

   …and the unspoken rules that exist there. If possible, try to get hold of an ex-employee of the organisation before your meeting, and ask whether the management encourages open discussion or prefers quiet subservience. Find out whether people are promoted on merit or longevity and how amenable the managers are to employee concerns. “What’s the company’s reputation like?” asks Ferguson. “And, does it possess the kind of environment you can thrive in?”

   At the pre-job meeting you should:

   Find out about your prospective immediate boss, and what his or her management style is like — hands-on or hands-off? This is especially important, so that you get a feel for the person whom you’ll have to go to for a promotion in the future. Also, how long has he or she been with the company? This is an indication of how much informal clout he or she has within the organisation, which can help your career tremendously if you play your cards right.

3. Contact the local chapter of the industry association

   …whatever that may be. This is especially important if you are new to the industry. Ferguson suggests that you try to attend the association’s next meeting and introduce yourself at it, explaining why you’re there. If possible, you should try and find a representative from the company you’re considering joining and talk to them about their work. “Again, the questions are: how long has he or she been working there? Does he or she enjoy it? Why?” says Ferguson.

   At the pre-job meeting you should:

   Discuss the company’ business and industry as openly as possible, and try and get them to say something negative about it — there is no such thing as a perfect company or business to be in. If the interviewers seem reluctant to disclose details about the company’s performance (if it’s a privately held company) or are unwilling to discuss its poor showing in the last quarter (if it’s a publicly held company), then you shouldn’t be too enthusiastic about joining them — you could wind up at another dead-end, and play second fiddle all over again.

Boxer or Poser?

You see them all the time: women on treadmills, stationary bicycles and air gliders who never seem to break a sweat when they exercise. Well, here’s their secret revealed: they don’t. Meet the Great Workout Pretenders.

Pay a visit to Celebrity Fitness in Bangsar Village after 6pm on any Friday, and chances are you’ll get to meet Rebecca*: a 29-year-old sales executive who is also an avid fitness enthusiast. Rebecca knows all the rules of exercise — what to do and for how long, when to do it, warming up and cooling down. She knows how to calculate the optimum weight that you should use on the gym equipment based on your Body Mass Index. She even knows all the correct names for all the different types of machines they have there: stairclimbers, air gliders, stepmills and the dreaded thighmaster.

Rebecca is no personal trainer, nor even a gym instructor. She can’t run for anything longer than five minutes, the cellulite on her thighs is appalling and she has a hard time just carrying her (admittedly, very well-equipped) gym bag to and from her car. In fact, the fitness knowledge she possesses is about all she has to show for her weekly gym sessions. She is a by-product of today’s trendiest lifestyle pastime — exercising — and is a part of a growing fraternity of fitness glamour seekers, the exercise frauds, the Great Workout Pretenders.

Exercise Expert

“I’m not the only one, you know?” Rebecca defends herself haughtily. “If you think that everyone who goes to a gym regularly actually gets a proper workout, you’re wrong.”

No, Rebecca’s motive for visiting the gym is far simpler: popularity.

“I work in a cosmetics company, where all the girls look pretty good,” Rebecca says. “They workout quite a bit — jogging, swimming, cycling, stuff like that. I just didn’t want to be left out.”

It all started when one of the girls in the office met a bicycle-mad guy who went on long bike rides every weekend. She started dating him pretty seriously, and before long the two were an item. There was nothing to it but for her to get her own bike so she could go with him on his excursions. Not that she minded, of course: now she could brag about all the exercise she was getting to her office mates.

Soon, all the other girls were taking up some sort of fitness interest — aerobics, gym workouts, swimming. Rebecca was one of those who signed up for a gym membership, determined to not be left out of the fitness craze that was sweeping through her office.

Sadly, the exercise bit turned out to be a little tough for her. But that’s okay, because she’s figured out how to stay lazy and be with the ‘in’ crowd at the same time: become a textbook-expert. Now, Rebecca can give anyone a lecture about proper posture when lifting weights or just how much you should stretch your sartorius (that’s your thigh muscle). How could anyone suspect that her exercise routine consists of little more than walking around and chatting with other gym members?

Social Star

According to Irene Nazira Lee, a FISAF National Training Provider and Reebok & Fitball Master Trainer, the ‘glamour’ of working out in a big, trendy fitness centre came about due to the high cost of club membership.

“There are now so many fitness centres in the city that membership rates have become more competitive and the younger crowd is able to afford their fees,” explains Nazira. “With the commercialisation of franchise establishments and workout programs come strong marketing strategies to sell more — fitness has evolved into a fashionable ‘trend’, and being seen in such a centre means you are ‘trendy’ and ‘in tune’ with the times.”

People like Rebecca are not strange at all to Nazira Lee.

“They exist in the majority of gyms,” she says. “They get onto the machines and usually manage to find someone to engage in idle talk with. Or, they workout quietly while checking out the crowd. Workout intensity usually depends on who’s watching. Sometimes they do put in some effort so it may be unfair to say they do not really workout at all.”

There’s obviously more to being a Workout Pretender than fame. Rebecca says that gyms are hotbeds teeming with eligible bachelors who are (most of the time) healthy, often wealthy and always interested. Some are Workout Pretenders like her, some are plain ol’ Gym Creeps, but many are The Real Thing… and they look good.

“I call it my little hobby — watching guys in tights sweat it out,” giggles Rebecca. “I’ve got a couple of dates from my gym outings, but nothing that has ever evolved into something more serious. I’m hoping it will one day, though!”

Nazira Lee says that having friends is a great motivating factor for exercising, as it can be quite intimidating — not to mention lonely — to work out in a gym where you do not know anyone.

“Some people have access to gyms within their residential premises, but they still join these trendy centres for the social activity,” says Nazira Lee. “Parents would generally prefer that their children spend time in a fitness centre than night clubs; some corporate sales persons may see the fitness centre as a good place to meet potential clients or to network with other professionals. If I had to hang out anywhere or kill time, I would rather do it at a fitness centre… even if it meant spending just fifteen minutes walking on a treadmill!”

Of course, women like Rebecca are looking for neither business nor exercise. But they still come away feeling rejuvenated, especially if the fitness centre has all the frills: saunas, spas and steam baths.

“Many centres offer additional facilities like these where the holistic wellbeing of a person is addressed,” continues Nazira Lee. “It is obvious that the therapeutic effect of being in a fitness centre addresses not just the physiological but also the psychological aspect of keeping fit and healthy.”

Fools rush in

But whilst some people fool others knowingly, others fool themselves unknowingly. They’re convinced that they are getting the workout they need, even if their foreheads just barely perspire. Rebecca knows of one such woman at her ex-workplace: a plump administrative clerk who claimed to exercise every morning.

“She was, you know, podgy,” Rebecca says guiltily. “We just could not understand it. When she announced that she had started swimming to lose some weight, we all applauded her. But the months went by, and we just didn’t see any improvement at all. If anything, she was getting heavier.”

No weight problem here.

Rebecca and her colleagues could hardly ask her why she wasn’t losing weight, so a couple of girls dropped by her condominium one evening for a visit. They went to the pool, said hello, and observed their friend’s ‘exercise’: she hung about in a corner of the pool the whole while, drinking in the sunset, looking around her and occasionally flapping her arms in the water. Her leisurely dip ended after about half an hour — there was no fat-burning going on so far as Rebecca could see.

“All that time lazing about in the water would give anyone a healthy appetite,” reflects Rebecca.

Nazira says that with folk like Rebecca’s ex-colleague, sometimes even the act of getting yourself into exercise mode is enough to make you think you deserve a trophy.

“Usually, it is an accomplishment just to get yourself into a gym — they probably think it is already an achievement to be there. Sometimes, the gym is their sanctuary from their home or office, or an escape from daily stress such as traffic jams, house chores, or being home alone.”

For Rebecca’s friend, the swimming pool was a sanctuary from herself and her weight problem. But that wasn’t helping her solve her problem, although she probably felt a lot better about herself. Whatever your definition of a good workout — twenty minutes on a Stairclimber, a five kilometre jog, thirty laps in the pool — just remember that fools and their money are easily parted, and pretenders never stay fit.

Now, where are those Nike’s I bought last year?

The Top 10 Ways to Get and Stay Fit

Kathleen A. Clancy, M.Ed., a certified Lifestyle and Weight Management Consultant suggests these ten ways to getting fit… for real.

Choose a Body.



Going too far, perhaps?

The body you live in is largely a matter of choice. Look at yourself — you chose this body. Choose to accept it or choose to change it.

Run a Marathon.

Take part in things like the community marathons or bike tours, though not as a serious contestant. There is always a demand for volunteers at water stops, start and finish lines and everywhere in between.

Join ‘Em.

Take a look at what other people in your circle do for activities. Maybe your friend plays tennis. Why not get out there and play with her? Does your partner bowl?

Flip Flop.

Meaning, your metabolism. Many people do their exercise in the morning and tend to consume more calories in the evening. The problem is that your metabolism gets progressively more sluggish as you head into the end of the day. Take advantage of this natural tendency by having a solid breakfast and saving the situps for after dinner.

Doctor’s Orders.



Ahem! The doctor is waiting....

Fitness is about taking care of yourself. Start with a general check up — you may get some much-needed motivation. If you do pursue fitness after that appointment, you might actually look forward to going back for a follow-up.

Hang out with Fitties.

Take a good look at your unfit friend, the one who snacks, the one who smokes, the one who drinks too much. Now, ask if he/she will join you in making a lifestyle change. If your offer gets a flat reception, it may be time to take a closer look at the friendship. If it doesn’t irritate you too much, spend more time with a friend or co-worker who always looks great, eats healthy and exercises.

Clean It Like You Mean It.

There are definitely days when you will not get exercise. On these days, take a mundane chore such as laundry and do it with gusto. Go for the new speed record in toilet scrubbing. It lacks glory… but you get some exercise and your work is done more quickly and probably more thoroughly.

Dress the Part.



How not to dress at the Gym.

If you join a gym or take up walking don’t show up in a giant t-shirt, paint-spattered sweats and your hand-me-down sneakers. Show up clean, in comfortable, new exercise garb. Save these clothes only for exercise. They are your exercise uniform. If you look like a person who exercises, you will feel like a person who exercises.

Take Charge.

If you become responsible for other people’s exercise, then you’re more likely to show up yourself. Get a couple of friends together and start a walking club. Better yet, get certified to teach a fitness class and you can even get paid to exercise!

Change with the Seasons.

Your routine usually falls apart come the monsoon season, right after Christmas, the end of the semester, whenever. Your life begs for a change sometimes — let it happen! Plan to drop your exercise routine and change your diet when these changes are due. Just when you are starting to run out of steam, you can take comfort in the fact that you are halfway through. This applies to gym memberships, too — no deal is good if you’re not going to use it. Sign up for no more than three months at a time.

Does everyone hate you?

You’ve gone to great pains to make improvements in your life, and are now more confident, more beautiful and more focused than ever before. So why does everyone hate you?

You’d think they’d be happy for you. You lost ten pounds, ditched the guy that bullied you in front of his friends, moved out of your parents’ house and stopped your ridiculous addiction to Haagen-Dazs. You’ve never felt better about yourself.

And all your friends can say is “You’ve Changed.”

Well, of course you’ve changed — that was the point! You used to be a miserable girl that moaned about how unfair life was and spent Sunday’s in the garden with Mother. Now, you’ve got a life: Make-up by Mac. Hair by A Cut Above. Manolos on your feet. Evenings at the gym. Saturdays at the theatre. You’re renewed, you’re empowered — it’s the New, All-Improved You.

So why does everyone hate you?

The Fear Factor

“Change has a bad reputation in our society,” says Dr Dennis O’Grady, psychologist and author of Taking the Fear Out of Changing. “But it isn’t all bad. In fact, change is necessary to keep us moving, to keep us growing, to keep us interested. When people feel stuck and frustrated, it is often their fear of change that causes the problem.”

Your friends don’t like the fact that you are making changes and moving on in life, because they don’t want to be left behind. An All-Improved You puts them in a much less flattering light than before — they once thought of you as their equal. But with the new smile, new hairdo and new confidence, it’s hard to continue seeing you the same way.

When Nora and her friends finished high school, they plunged straight into the working world as telesales consultants and waitresses and cosmetics-counter salesgirls. The seven of them were frightfully bored of studying, and had no intentions of ever going to college. They hung out at shopping malls and beauty salons, whiling their time away while the rest of their schoolmates went back to books. They thought they were getting a head start on everyone else, and dreamed of promotions that would never come. They talked about their future plans deep into the night, when they would rent a house together and room-in away from their parents.

That day never came. And for Nora, it turned out to be a blessing.

“I was about to turn twenty-one, when I met an old schoolmate of mine, one of those that went on with her studies,” says Nora. “We only spoke for five minutes, but in that short conversation, I realised what I was missing out on — she had become so smart. I knew then that it was I who was getting left behind.”

Nora did some serious soul-searching. She had switched jobs seven times in four years, and her wages had not improved much. She looked around her room, and where she once thought she would see power suits and a briefcase she saw jeans and her work uniform. She was headed nowhere.

So Nora made some changes. She asked her family for financial support so she could get into college, and worked part-time on weekends to earn some pocket money. She changed her wardrobe: court shoes replaced sandals, skirts replaced jeans. But her old friends didn’t take her changes kindly. In fact, they became nasty.

“I remember their exact words,” recalls Nora: “‘You’re not the same, Nora.’ And right then, I suddenly recognised how alone I was. It was the most painful moment I can remember. I had never felt more scared in my life.”

The comfort zone

Nora and her friends were trapped in a comfort zone that Dr Judith Sills, a clinical psychologist, compares to riding a dead horse that doesn’t go anywhere. They liked things the way they were, and were quite happy with it. But, as Sills says, “Sometimes what’s dead is you.”

A chance meeting with an old schoolmate was what brought Nora back to life, and made her see the rut she was in. She suddenly realised her horse was dead, and she wanted to get off. And when Nora made that move, her friends (the other six) saw that their horses were dead, too. But unlike her, they couldn’t get off because they didn’t have the guts. Instead of feeling happy for her, they felt threatened.

“They resented that they couldn’t do what I was doing,” reflects Nora. “They knew they needed to make some changes, but were too scared to do so.”

When you start getting ahead of your peers, they feel endangered. The space that you occupy in the world grows, whereas their space remains the same. You seem more important than before, more substantial. Your change forces them to take a good, hard look at themselves and ask: “If she could do it, why can’t I?” The reason, of course, is because of their fears of change (see sidebar: No Fear of Change Here).

People who feel threatened by your growth can become your enemies overnight, as Nora discovered. One particular girl in the group instigated the other to turn their backs on her, leaving Nora friendless. She nearly quit to go back to her old life.

“They called me stuck-up and made me feel rotten and guilty about what I did,” says Nora. “They refused to speak to me. I started to hate myself for what I did, but I was stuck — I’d taken money from my family to go to college. How could I give it up?”

Luckily, circumstances forced Nora to continue her transformation, and she has no regrets about it now.

“I think what happened was that I outgrew my friendship with those girls,” says Nora solemnly. “Even if we were still on talking terms, I don’t think there’s anything we could find in common anymore. We’re not enemies. But we’ll never be friends again, either.”

Pressure to Change-Back

The emotional obligation that Nora felt is what Dr Dennis O’Grady calls ‘change-back pressures’. People will want you to revert to the old you. If you are willing to give up your newfound enlightenment for them, fine. But first ask yourself: what kind of friend would hold you back from progressing anyway?

“Remember that dealing with the All-Improved You is their problem, not yours,” says O’Grady.

If they can’t handle it, take pity: it means they suffer from low self-esteem, and need to make changes of their own.

When Lorna landed a great job in the city with an international public relations firm, her boyfriend was the first to say No. He wanted her to remain in their hometown, where she was an English teacher. She was terribly upset, but she dumped him anyway (and the rest of her family, who also didn’t agree with her decision) and moved to the city to start anew.

But things weren’t easy, and the change-back pressure was enormous at the beginning. “I wanted to go back to home so many times,” says Lorna. “Especially at the start, when I was broke and alone.”

But she made new friends, and found love again. She built herself a new support system from the ground up. Two years later, her family is now happy that she has done so well, although she never patched things up with Sammy (her ex-boyfriend).

“I was determined to prove to myself that I could do it. And I did.”

Ultimately, the people around you will be divided into those that do accept the new you, and those that do not… or will not. Whilst your relationship with the former will continue to prosper and grow, there will probably come a time when your friendships with the latter group will no longer be tenable.

As Lorna said to Sammy when she wanted to leave: “There is nothing wrong with my wanting to do this, but there is something wrong with you not accepting it.”

Don’t make others’ acceptance of you your responsibility, because it isn’t.

Face the Change

Don't fear change; embrace it.

According Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a practicing psychologist and author of Taking The Fear Out of Changing, the five biggest questions you face when changing are:

Fear of the Unknown

“Why is making this change so scary?” We are most at ease when we are completely familiar with our surroundings and sure of what the future holds for us. As a result, fear of the unknown can paralyze us. Looking that fear in the eye is the first step to take.

Fear of Failure

“What if I try and it doesn’t work — then what?” People expect to get everything right the first time. Don’t. Instead, take your time to work things out and get them right at some time or the other.

Fear of Commitment

“Why can’t I ever accomplish what I set out to do?” People are afraid to focus on what they want out of life. Their excuse is that they would be trapped by such a commitment. But you should try to be more honest with yourself, and commit to a few simple goals close to your heart.

Fear if Disapproval

“What if I commit myself to my goals and my friends don’t approve?” (Also known as the fear of rejection). When people make positive changes, their friends and family might say “I liked you better the way you were.” These are called change-back pressures, and there isn’t much you can do about them. If you change, somebody will likely disapprove. You will learn very quickly who your true friends are — the ones on your side.

Fear of Success

“If I’m successful, are people going to hate me?” When people get through their changes and are feeling good again, they sometimes feel guilty for it. But there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, and being proud of your achievements.

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The 5 Stages of Change

Change is also painful.

The Stage of Crisis

You feel you’ve got to change or else. You’re backed into a corner. It may be business or personal, but this sense of crisis is the wake-up call you need.

The Stage of Hard Work

Surprisingly, this is the stage that most people enjoy. It involves hard mental work, and may require you to take classes, read lots of books, network with business contacts and more. There is an empowering sense of control in this stage, and you will work hard to figure out the solution to your crisis.

The Stage of Tough Decision

This stage isn’t easy, but it is a relief. You feel glad that you’re making a commitment. Because you’re choosing a direction, there is a sense that just making this tough decision will free you. There is usually a feeling of optimism at this point.

The Stage of Unexpected Pain

This is the stage where you do all the right things but get all the wrong results. You are tempted to give up on your goal. People will recognise that you are very near success, and some will try to hold you back. It may take every creative bone in your body to drag yourself forward, but if you just crawl a few more steps from where you’ve been knocked down, you will be able to reach the next stage.

The Stage of Joy and Integration

Finally, the changes are a part of your life. You realise you are happy about the changes you have made, and they begin to pay off in a big way. You are enjoying your new job or your business takes a turn for the better. You may have lost some friends along the way, but you will feel that it was worth it.

Anyone can play the blame game.

Your parents aren’t rich enough, your boyfriend is a jerk, your boss is a sadist and your cat refuses to be house trained. Your life is a mess and it’s Everyone Else’s Fault… or is it?

For Linda, life couldn’t have been worse. She’d just failed her finals. Her parents were up in arms about her college fees gone to waste. The bank was calling her about her unsettled credit card bill and her rent was overdue.

Linda blamed it all on Ravind, her ex-boyfriend: if he hadn’t dumped her one week into their last semester, then she reckoned she would have been alright. But, still not satisfied, she went on to accuse her best-friend Madeline of refusing to help her out of her mess.

“I sat through at least two dozen nights of crying after Ravind left her,” says Madeline, now no longer Linda’s confidante. “But the finals were coming up. I had to start studying, you know?”

The fact is, Linda did not want emotional support. Madeline says that she was in financial dire straits long before Ravind left her — in fact, Linda was secretly hoping that he’d be the one to help her out of her debt. That was the real reason why Linda was so upset when he left: suddenly, she was facing those bills all alone. Madeline even thinks it possible that Linda was then counting on her to come up with the cash, and when Madeline went back to her books without even suggesting the financial aid she needed, well, things got that much worse.

Linda was not available for comment, of course. But you get a feeling that she’d defend herself tooth and nail and blame everyone else for her troubles. Because that’s the way it is for women like her: it’s always Someone Else’s Fault.

Victim mentality

Barbara Baker, President of TEAMCares Inc., an online support organisation, calls it ‘victim mentality’ — when everything that is wrong with your life is because of someone or something else. It’s always an external force, but never, ever yourself.

“If you do not get the promotion it is because Mr. So-and-So was out to get you,” illustrates Ms Baker. “Not because he found you playing on the Internet every day.”

Linda isn’t alone in viewing the cruel world through the distorted eyes of one who has suffered disappointments before — who among us have not met with rotten luck now and then? But then, I think we can all admit to at least one occasion when we unfairly pinned the blame on everything else but us. We all have our ups and downs. But unlike Linda, we don’t all need to feel blameless to get on with life after these setbacks.

Although accepting blame for everything isn’t healthy either, it is imperative that you be able to admit when things are your fault — that is the problem many women face, especially today’s empowered woman who believes that she is still being oppressed by sexists and tradition. For Linda, assigning the blame to someone else meant that she had absolved herself of all responsibility for her mess.

“Life is easier when you can play the blame game,” says Baker. “The blame game makes it easy for your life not to move forward or for you to grow.”

Culpable responsibility

The average child receives 432 negative comments per day versus 32 positive ones. And, in America, the same child only gets 12.5 minutes per day in communications with their parents or caretakers.

“Of that time, 8.5 minutes are spent correcting, criticizing or arguing, leaving a whopping 4 minutes per day for the instruction of values, morals, ethics, attitude and self esteem,” says Baker. “You were once this child.”

With all that negativity to deal with, it’s no wonder we grow up having a hard time seeing the good in the world. Most of us emerge from childhood being able to acknowledge when we’re to blame, and when not. Some don’t, and live life with deeply ingrained victim mentality — how can you tell if you are one of them?

“The first step is to listen to yourself,” says Baker. “Are you blaming others in your life for all the distress in it? Are you not accepting responsibility for your actions? Are you giving some other person the power (by blaming them you are giving them the power) to have control in your life? Do you look at life as being unfair to you and that everyone else gets the breaks?”

Tough questions to answer. But shying away from answering them truthfully can hurt you more than you expect.

Blame the economy

“Blaming others is one of the worst things you can do in relation to emotional integrity,” writes Carole Nicolaides, President and Executive Coach of Progressive Leadership, Inc. “It is distantly related to an addiction. Pretty soon almost everything that does not happen according to your liking becomes someone else’s fault.” Nicolaides advocates a six-step approach to learning to accept responsibility for failures instead of trying to censure others (see sidebar: Six Steps to Blaming Less).

Patricia, a successful 33-year-old project manager, used to blame her boyfriends — all six of them — for their break-ups. But these same boyfriends all went on to have fulfilling, long-term relationships with other women. Two have gotten married.

“I used to think that all men were out to sabotage my life,” Patricia admits. “But when I went for Felix’s (one of her ex-boyfriends) wedding last year, I realised that the bride could have been me. It made me wonder why I couldn’t get that kind of happiness.”

The first thing Patricia did was Blame the Man again — all men want someone weak-willed, someone pliable, a woman to wrap around their fingers. But then Felix’s new wife was a successful lawyer, which shot her theory to bits. So Patricia did what any project manager would do: she called her ex-boyfriends, one by one, to find out what it was that made their relationships fall apart.

“It was revelatory,” says Patricia. “Of the four that I managed to get in touch with, three said that what drove them crazy was the way I always blamed them for whatever went wrong in my life.”

Patricia attributes her philosophy that ‘The Man is Always Wrong’ to her mother, who, after her husband left her, inculcated the idea into all her children. All she was trying to do was protect them from the evil that men do, of course. But Patricia took what she said a little too far.

“Thinking back, I realised that it was true,” says Patricia. “If I didn’t have enough clothes, it was because He didn’t take me shopping often enough. If I had a flat, it was because He hadn’t pumped my tyres. If I was late, it was because He held me up at home. It’s a wonder they put up with me for as long as some of them did!”

Patricia has found the courage to confess that she is not always right, and that Men are Not Always to Blame for everything that goes wrong. But it took her many years — ¬¬and many tears — to learn her lesson.

Everyone is blame-shifting these days.

“Habitual blamers continually look outside of themselves for the solutions to their problems,” says Nicholas J. Gabriel in his book, The Road to Lasting Success. “They blame their parents, or their teachers, or their neighbours and friends, or their spouse or boss for their current situation. Or, if they do find any fault with themselves it’s always something external. They are too fat or too skinny, or too tall or too short, or too heavy or too light, or their hair isn’t right, or something. It’s everything and anything BUT their attitude, their choices and themselves.”

Women like Patricia keep running, blaming and changing the external aspects of their lives… like boyfriends. Sometimes, they find something or someone that provides temporary happiness, and they come to believe that they have found the answer.

“Unfortunately, what usually happens is that they reach a point where they notice that something is still missing,” continues Gabriel. “They just aren’t as happy or as satisfied as they expected to be. So once again, they look at the external rather than internal aspects of their lives and the pattern repeats itself. For some people this pattern repeats for the rest of their lives.”

Accepting responsibility for your failures is the first step towards positive change. If you can’t do it all at once, don’t try to. Take it one small step at a time, from why the fridge has no milk (because you haven’t bought some more), to why your career is at a standstill (because you have not hit your goals).

Some things really are others’ fault. But for everything else, it’s usually you.

Six steps to blaming less

Carole Nicolaides, a Certified Professional Coach and President of Progressive Leadership, Inc recommends these six actions points to becoming more responsible for yourself:

Be aware.

Too often we fail to notice that we are playing the blame game. It’s a natural defence mechanism. Paying attention to how we respond when questioned about our actions or performance is the first step in taking responsibility.

Respond responsibly.

Just as blaming is a defensive move, so is reacting. But rather than react, we should respond. While we might want to react immediately with a burst of anger, stop and consider the choices. We have a choice of reacting impulsively or responding cautiously to the situation. What will your choice be?

Be honest.

Some people simply like to place blame in order to be relieved of responsibility. That shows a huge lack of self-honesty. Lying to yourself only makes the problem worse… not better.

Don’t burn bridges.

What happens to relationships when you place blame? You are unlikely to earn forgiveness. You are more likely to alienate yourself from your co-workers, peers and friends by pointing fingers. Not only will you ruin relationships, but you will also lose the trust of the people whom you work with.

Be a good role model.

When others see you accepting responsibility for your actions — and when they see the extraordinary results you are getting — you make the statement that blame-placing is not acceptable behaviour. By doing so, you help promote an atmosphere of harmony and integrity.

Have a positive and grateful attitude.

If you are grateful for all the things that happen in your life (good and bad) you simply cannot hold angry feelings toward others, or place blame where it does not belong.

Bad influence is everywhere.

That people change so much through the course of their lives is just one reason why friendships are put to the test so often. Our friends discover new interests that are different from ours, and soon, we have trouble relating to each other. What usually happens is that they will encourage us to take up their new interests too, thereby keeping the friendship going. But what happens when the things they want you to pick up go against all your principles? Do you compromise your morals to keep a friend?

It’s not often that you find the people you cherish in your life fall prey to the scourge of drugs or alcohol, but it does happen. And when it does, the stress that it puts on your relationship with them can be debilitating.

Aaron’s tale is a sad one. He and Adam had been friends for nearly twenty years when Adam lost himself in a bottle. Although Aaron and he had spent many a drunken night in bars together, there was always some sense to their binges, and it was never more than twice a week. But two years ago, Adam began asking Aaron to hit the bottle with him almost every night.

“I would never say no to Adam, so I went along with it,” says Aaron quietly. “But after a couple of weeks, I had to start turning him down. But even then, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. It was just because I couldn’t keep up with him.”

But why the change in Adam? Nothing had changed in his life. There was no tearful break-up with a girlfriend, no one had died in his family and his business was thriving. Aaron reckons that Adam had simply picked the bottle up once too often, and suddenly found it hard to put down. He makes no guesses as to what made Adam the alkie he had become, but he did know one thing: their friendship was definitely on the rocks.

Buddy, don’t preach

Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, reasons that how we see others is often determined by how much we share their values.

“Typically, we get along with people that share certain interests,” says Wano. “But individuals that share our values are the ones that become our closest companions.” Any decisions that Aaron makes regarding Adam’s behaviour will be based on how much Aaron values their friendship.

“You certainly want to be there for your friends and help them cope with their problems, whether it is with drugs or alcohol or some other terrible habit,” says Mr Wano. “But they must be willing to help themselves; they need to value your support.”

That was what was wrong with Aaron’s friendship: Adam didn’t recognise that there was a problem. As far as he was concerned, getting sloshed virtually every night was just ‘unwinding’.

“I loved him so much, and I hated to see what he was becoming,” says Aaron. “But he wouldn’t listen to me. I felt like strangling him.”

Bill Cottringer, a socio-cultural researcher and author of You Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too,, does not think anyone will have much luck in preaching about positive changes to people like Adam. But he does think that ‘living right’ and remaining a friend and role model can bring about some good.

“Your actions will always outspeak your words,” says Mr Cottringer. “Everyone is evolving morally and developing themselves at different paces. We all have to do this on our own schedule.”

But what is ‘living right’, after all?

The value of values

Maryanne and Adeline were once good friends in college. They double-dated and stuff, and had a lot in common. When Adeline had her first one-night stand, Maryanne giggled along with her as she recounted her adventure. But it was half-hearted, full of misgiving and fear.

“I didn’t approve of it,” says Maryanne, 25. “I’d always thought of Adeline as a very reserved girl, so it came as quite a shock when she told me about her affair. I found myself questioning my friendship with her.”

Maryanne decided to overlook the whole thing and pretend it never happened, because there was still so much to like about Adeline. But when it happened again a few months later, Maryanne couldn’t help but cry.

“Always stick to your values,” write Graham and Julie, advisors and founders of Desktop‑Meditation.com. “They are yours and no one else’s. When you forget your values a voice goes off in your head that says, ‘You shouldn’t have.’ You would have destroyed your equilibrium, and entered a world that is not yours but someone else’s.”

Values are becoming scarce. Seriously.

Still, Maryanne remained silent over the whole thing. Then one night, when they were celebrating the end of the semester, she witnessed Adeline in action at a disco. She felt uncomfortable, to say the least. Maryanne had no choice but to talk to Adeline about how she felt right there.

“She didn’t take it well, and told me it was none of my business how she lived her life,” says Maryanne. “That hurt a lot.”

According to Graham and Julie, the more you want to live according to your values, the more you will be tested and the more you will learn.

“It may be difficult to watch friends slide into a different world, treating you differently because you refuse to be drawn into it too,” they say. “But success and freedom can only come by being true to your own values.”

It would have been easy to succumb to the exciting lure of free sex, but Maryanne chose not to. Slowly, she dropped out of their circle of friends completely, banished as a ‘stiffy’ that ‘didn’t know how to have fun.’

“It wasn’t easy to do,” says Maryanne. “But I asked myself a simple question: would I be able to live with the guilt of having thrown away all the morals that my parents struggled so hard to teach me just because of my friendship with Adeline? The answer was No.”

Friends and acquaintances are not the same. The former are firmer, more important relationships that you need to nurture and pay attention to. But the latter you can afford to lose. Mr Wano’s advice is simple: if you find yourself sharing similar interests, but are constantly at odds over values (in Maryanne’s case, this would be Adeline’s casual attitude towards sex), you may need to reclassify those friends as acquaintances.

Aaron still keeps in touch with Adam, but in his heart he knows that their friendship is wasting away. He has stopped trying to tell Adam to lay off the drink, because it was becoming an issue between them — Adam loves Aaron, but doesn’t take too kindly to his advice.

“Is my friendship with Adam worth all this trouble?” says Aaron. “You bet. And that’s why I’ve not had a drink with him in over a year. I think I’m a better friend by not encouraging his habit.”

Girlfriends are the worst friends

Sometimes — not often, but sometimes — you are faced with choosing to keep or lose a friend through no fault of anyone but yours: you made a bad friend. A perpetual whinger, perhaps. Or a high-street drama queen. Or, like Peggy, an insufferable storyteller.

“Looking back now, I don’t know why I became friends with her in the first place,” says Sandra, her ex-best-friend.

At first, Peggy seemed very exciting. The stories she told of her conquests with men, with her career, with her exercise regimen — they all sounded like true-life accounts, and Sandra felt like she could learn a lot from her. As it turns out, though, most of her tales were lies. Yet even after Sandra began to suspect that Peggy was prone to stretching the truth a little now and then, she continued hanging around her.

“She was immensely popular,” mulls Sandra. “She always knew what the hottest gossip was — I say knew, as in ‘knew’,” she continues, making the double inverted comma sign with her fingers.

But a lot of the gossip Peggy passed around had no basis to it whatsoever. If she saw two people together, she would say, “They’re sleeping together.” If a lecturer spoke to a student alone, she’d say, “He failed his exams, you see?” Peggy seemed to thrive on making the lives of others a soap-opera she was directing.

Like everyone else, Sandra thought she was the only one excluded from the harsh untruths of Peggy. Until one day, a girl came up to her and asked her if she really was a part-time call-girl — she’d wanted to interview her for an assignment.

“I was stupefied,” Sandra says. “I asked her where she heard that piece of lies from, and she pointed me to another girl, who pointed to another girl, who pointed me to Peggy. It hurt so much to think that someone I regarded as one of my best friends had done that to me.”

Of course, Sandra confronted Peggy and asked her what was going on. But Peggy was nonchalant about the whole thing — she said she was only joking, adding a little spice to everyone’s lives. What harm could come of that?

“With people like her, you always think that you are her confidante, her so-called ‘best-friend’,” Sandra says, again with the double inverted commas. “But if she can bitch about others that way to you, you can bet that she has no problem bitching about you to others.”

Sandra walked away from the friendship. And Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, does not think she could have done any better.

“There is little debate here,” he says. “Negativity is like gravity; both work equally hard to bring things down.”

You whinge, I whinge, we all whinge

Although liars are easy to fall for and easy to break away from, complainers are a lot trickier to deal with. There is nothing inherently wrong with the way they live their lives or the way they live up as friends. But there is something downright depressing about having them around. They are a wet blanket wherever you go, a damper of spirits no matter what the occasion.

Phillip and Richard have been friends for six years, but the two 28-year-olds couldn’t be more different. Phillip is an optimist, gung-ho about his opportunities in life and relaxed in every crisis that strikes. He does not let much get him down for long, and in his words, he “fights hard to keep his spirits up in the face of adversity.”

“I learned that line from a sales talk I attended,” he grins.

Richard is quite the opposite. Although he starts off looking for the bright side to everything, it is not long before he is blinded by the dark. He’s a perennial job-hopper and has had six jobs in the last four years. He starts off every one with a positive attitude, but within the first few months, his enthusiasm wanes and he is soon reduced to a sighing heap of gloom just waiting for his next pay day.

“He complains about everything,” says Phillip. “At times, I think he must be worse than a woman, he bitches so much.”

Richard complains about his bosses and company — nothing wrong about that. But he also complains about his younger sister, and his mother, and his father, and his car, and his credit card bills, and the government, and the airport authorities, and the….

“You cannot put an end to that list,” Phillip says. “He really does complain about everything.”

Yet he’s not like that with everyone — only his very closest friends get to see the ‘real Richard’.

“When he’s around others, I always notice that he’s very upbeat and zealous,” says Phillip. “But it’s a sham, really. In a way, I suppose that makes me special, because I am one of the few folk he feels completely at ease with.”

What makes it bad is that when Richard comes visiting, he brings his melancholy with him. And like a cloud, it descends upon the room and depresses Phillip, too. The negative energy surrounds him. He fights it as best he can, but sometimes, Phillip really cannot help but to wish he had not come.

Bill Cottringer, a socio-cultural researcher and author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too suggests that with people like Richard, you take a specific situation and give them some detailed feedback about how they could approach something differently and get better results.

“First, create a non-defensive climate in which you acknowledge that everyone feels this way now and then,” says Mr Cottringer. “Then say that if you have a valid criticism to offer, take some more time and instruct them how they may do something differently to get better results.”

Phillip says he won’t desert Richard just yet. Although he’s got a lousy air about him, he’s a good guy at heart, and that’s what counts.

“He’s a depressing chap to be around,” says Phillip. “But I’ve been in jams before, and he’s always been there to help me out. He’s just a pessimistic complainer, and I think that makes the friendship I give to him all the more valuable.”

Drama queen’s last hurrah

Possibly the worst kind of friend you could make — and probably the easiest to ditch — is a drama queen who lives for her next crisis… and ropes in those who are with her to participate in the scene.

“If I wanted publicity, I would have become an actress,” says Winnie, 23. “My friend insists on making a hullabaloo about the smallest thing. Once, she found an ant in her drink. She screamed. The waiter ran to her to see what the matter was, and she positively yelled at him!”

According to her, Winnie’s friend was not really scared. But the incident gave her the opportunity to make a scene. She grabbed it. She started talking loudly to Winnie, trying to get her involved. But all Winnie wanted to do was leave.

“I never hated her more than then,” says Winnie. “I wouldn’t have minded a private word with the manager, but she really overreacted.”

Mr Wano can only offer a little tongue-in-cheek advice that may very well be the answer to all of us who are terrified of being in Winnie’s position one day.

“Offer a little cheese with your friends w(h)ine, or find a king for your drama queen,” he says. “Both may help to reduce your stress levels.”

These days, Winnie spends as little time as possible around her ‘royal’ friend. Of course, this has given her even more opportunity to dramatise her life by bitching about Winnie, but she doesn’t mind.

“Soon, she’ll get bored of talking about how stuck-up I am and move on to something more exciting,” Winnie says. “So what? At least I’ll still be sane.”

Smart... or evil?

The employer-employee relationship is much like a tempestuous love affair between a man and a woman: neither party likes the status quo much, yet both parties need each other, and one party is always ready to end it.

There is no such thing as a loyal employer, so why should there be such thing as a loyal employee? We tend to plod on in our dead-end jobs, putting in extra hours and initiative because we feel obligated to repay the company’s confidence in us. But what about the company’s obligations to repay us?

The trouble is that a company does not have human emotions like guilt, fidelity or honour per se. The employers do… but then employers have an uncanny way of hiding behind ‘company policy’, don’t they?

In the twenty-first century, smart employers have made their workforce a commodity. Large corporations hire people on six-month contracts, offer no medical benefits or transport allowance and so need never worry about bonuses or raises. Smart employers also do not want specialists — they like so-called ‘multi-taskers’ who can do everything from debt collection to providing after-sales service. Smart employers have also learned the value of the Appointment Letter, including several clauses very disadvantageous to the employee like, “Thou shalt not work for our competitors within twenty-four (24) months of leaving the Company.”

In the face of such brilliance, it’s time to stand up and be counted. Power to the employee!

1. (Ir)responsibility

Responsibility is a funny thing: people don’t like it, but it’s something we all have to deal with one way or another. Outside the office, we can be pretty sure that if we do take on a responsibility, we will get rewarded one way or another — buying a car, getting married, having a baby. But within the workplace, you never know when taking on responsibility is going to get you in so much excrement that you cannot breathe.

They say that taking on more responsibility actually grooms you for bigger, hotter seats. Yet, strangely enough, bosses have a very good way of pinning the blame on their underlings. Whilst they may be responsible for something, they refuse to be held accountable for it. If everything goes right, they get the glory for their ‘marvelous management skills’. But if all hell breaks loose, it’s your fault!

If your employers are typical of almost all small employers — the type that gives you hell when something goes wrong, but keeps silent when the going’s good — then you may want to reconsider before taking on more responsibility. What your employer is trying to do is simply cut cost: they need to hire someone else to take on that job if you don’t agree to it. But are they going to pay you more for that added responsibility? And if so, how much?

You know you can do the job. Perhaps you’re even sure that you could do it well. But seriously, why bother? It’s not your company, and the Smart Employee would be less worried about company cost and more about what keeping her responsibilities to a bare minimum and reducing her exposure.

2. Volunteering skills

Small firms with minimal international exposure or multinational corporation (MNC) experience have another thing in common: they never invest in their people. Sales people remain sales people; accounts clerks remain accounts clerks; designers remain designers. The company does not offer to send employees for training, nor invest in tools that will help them do their job better or facilities that could improve their wellbeing. Now tell me: why should you offer to do anything more than what you were hired for?

Companies that do have a sense of gratitude for their employees’ contributions understand what their personal development means to them and the business, and offer to at least subsidise any education related to their scope of work. With companies like this, employees are of course obligated to give their 100-percent because their employers paid for their degrees of professional certificates. Who would not love his company for that? Everyone wins at the end of the day.

Unfortunately, most companies do not practice this. In fact, most companies don’t even have a budget for human resource development. Employees that try to obtain funds for courses related to what they do are very often turned away because small-minded employers don’t think the company will get corresponding value in return. It can be very frustrating, as many of you readers already know.

The Smart Employee will pay for her personal development on her own time with her own money. She’ll attend seminars and courses and improve herself continuously, but — and here’s where it gets interesting — she will not offer any of these skills to the company.

For instance: if you start off as an accounts clerk, but finance your Business Law course yourself, why should you offer your newfound knowledge to help your company get out of scrapes? Fuhgedabouddit! If they want a lawyer on their payroll, get them to pay.

3. Overtime

Ah… the eternal conundrum: should you put in more hours at work in the hope of getting recognised, or should you work-to-rule and have more time to yourself? Let’s hypothesise for a minute, and see whether you agree with me that few companies are worth more effort than what they already pay you for.

Lisa works at a bank. She regularly puts in two hours overtime at least twice a week, and hopes to get a sizeable raise at the end of the year. Twelve months later, her wishes are granted: all employees get a 10-percent raise. You read right: ALL employees, including Lisa’s peers that clocked out at 5.05pm every working day of the year!

The point here is that very few companies actually give raises based on personal performance. If the company does well, share and share alike — everyone gets the same quantum of incentive. The company would rather reward all their employees the same, than reward some more than others and risk a mutiny.

Companies rarely appreciate the overtime you put in at work, so don’t. They simply think that you take longer than others to do the same amount of work. You, of course, know otherwise. Suddenly, after a couple of break-ups and estranged friends and family that never get to spend time with you, you find that all you get is a measly extra USD100 a month. Is that really worth it?

The Smart Employee knows that she can contribute so much more to the company if she did overtime, but she also knows when it is worth it… and few employers are worth it these days. Don’t get me wrong — Smart Employees are highly competent and very valuable to any organisation. But they also know better than to deliver the performance of an USD3,000-per-month-employee for a company that only pays USD1,000.

Know what your work is worth, know the market and know yourself. Who is more important: the company or you?

4. CYR (Cover your rear-end)

Otherwise known as Cover Your Arse. Now, I know many of you reading this have an inherent dislike for people who practice CYA, and so do I. Everyone would like to work in an organisation where every worker takes responsibility for their actions and no one tries to dodge the line of fire. Unfortunately, such idyllic working conditions are unrealistic in today’s world, so most of the time it’s people like you and I who end up full of buckshot.

However, Smart Employees do realise when it is worth taking the fall (when your employer or supervisor recognises your sacrifice, for instance) and when it is not. A ‘good leader’ is generally perceived to be one that stands up for his or her subordinates and takes the brunt of the employer’s wrath. But when your subordinates are all but waiting to see you fall, then you have to ask yourself if it is worth protecting them. Remember that in the working world (as in life) all is fair in love and war. Your subordinate will feel no compunctions about taking over your job, and though sorry to see you go (perhaps you were good friends), he or she will not be that upset.

The practice of CYA is not a trait of the Smart Employee — Smart Employees have much more dignity and self-respect than that. A Smart Employee readily takes the blame for what she knows is her fault, because she wants to learn and she understands that some lessons are harder than others. A Smart Employee does not assign blame to others, but she also does not foolishly stand in the line of fire to defend the guilty party.

Those pickets you see where employees stand side-by-side with each other in protest against the company are typical examples of mass corporate suicide. The Smart Employees are the ones still inside the building, talking over what to do with other Smart Employees that will collectively inherit the company’s future.

5. Competing agendas

When you join a company, you usually have some vague plans about where you would like to be in a couple of years’ time, whether promoted or transferred or reassigned. You might join as a salesgirl, with the hope of making Sales Manager in a couple of years. Or, maybe you hope to be transferred to Customer Service, which is what you really want to do. In any case, you have ambition.

Now, there is nothing wrong with ambition. It’s what keeps the cream rising to the top. But your plans can go horribly wrong if the company has plans of its own. They may want to hire a Sales Manager from outside their industry to ‘inject new blood’ into the organisation. They may be thinking about outsourcing their entire Customer Service centre. They may even be thinking about closing shop. How are you supposed to know whether your ambitions and the company’s plans complement each other?

Well, you don’t. Companies that do have some sort of succession planning usually refrain from telling their employees about it, whilst companies that don’t have these long-term plans usually have no idea about what is going to happen one year to the next. They are as much in the dark about it as you are.

So, if you think your hard work is going to pay off in the end by making you a Head of Department, you should know that it often does not work that way. We’ve all had our hopes of a promotion dashed by a new face in the company (who is of course hated by everyone, rather unfairly). A Smart Employee will try her best to understand where the land lies before she starts putting in extra effort to earn her promotion. Competing agendas between the company and the employee have frequently ended in tears — guess who does the crying?

There is a lot of work out there for employees who know what they are worth and how to market themselves. Just because one company does not recognise your contribution (or is afraid to), it does not mean that another will not. Your employer does not own you; it is not the be all and end all of your subsistence. As long as you train well, work well (NOT the same as working hard) and keep your wits about you, you will always be in demand.

A Smart Employee…

• Does not shortchange — being a Smart Employee does not mean you don’t do the best that you can in your job. You do… just as long as it corresponds with what you’re getting paid.
• Works well, not hard — a Smart Employee can usually finish her day’s work in half the time it would take others because of her knowledge, efficiency, and skill.
• Continuously improves — learning is an ongoing process, and Smart Employees are always trying to upgrade themselves and their skills to make themselves more valuable.
• Is proud — a Smart Employee takes great pride in her work, which is one reason why it is always above average and why she is always in high demand.
• Knows herself — a Smart Employee knows herself well in terms of the amount of work she can do, her skills and her capacity. She does not take on more than she can chew, so she never underperforms.
• Is happy — Smart Employees are very happy and lead very fulfilling lives. They have plenty of time for their families and friends because they know where to draw the line between work and play.

Everyone's selling something.

It’s enough to make you go mad: one dumb boss after another. A never-ending list of whining subordinates. Companies that couldn’t care less for you. Maybe it’s time you struck out on your own. Here are five steps to get you started!

Let me let you in on a little secret before you read any further: being your own boss isn’t a novelty anymore. It’s a fad. Everyone’s doing it, from accountants to writers, to music teachers and pet groomers. It’s a way of life. It’s so, well, twenty-first century.

“But how?” you ask. The money? The security? How are you ever going to find enough to survive? What if you fall sick? Well, you’re in for a surprise. Being your own boss is easier than you think.

Step 1:  Know what you’re selling

The first question to ask yourself is, “What am I selling?”. Business and making money is all about selling, when you stop to think about it. Even as an employee, you’re selling your services to your company. You’re going to be doing the same thing if you set out on your own. The only difference is that you won’t be selling your company anymore — just yourself.

Invariably, you’ll settle on a skill that you have as your best product, and rightfully so. Writers have a knack for the written word. Teachers are great in instruction. Some of us are blessed in an artistic way (music, handicraft), and some in more traditional ways (salesmanship, medicine), but there is always something you’re good at. It’s especially good if it’s unique, and not easily available. The trick to being your own boss is being really good at what you do, and honing that talent until you stand out from the rest.

Finding out what you’re going to be selling is probably going to be the most difficult step, but once you have it out of the way, you can start focusing on your venture. You will feel uncertain about your ability, and when people don’t buy, you’ll get disheartened. But stick to your guns, and you’ll soon find appreciation for your talent in some of the most unlikely places. Know what it is you’re selling, and start doing it!

Step 2: Get the word out

Now you’ve decided what it is you’re selling, it’s time to start doing so. Promoting your services or products is an essential part of the whole be-your-own-boss process, because if people don’t know about you, they can’t buy from you. But before your do go to all this trouble, make sure you are readily available. A permanent email address and phone number are indispensable.

Start off small: send emails out, and include your promotional pitch in your signature. Don’t spam, though — that’s an unpleasant way for people to find out about you. Next, invest a little. It costs less than USD10 to get a stack of professionally-printed cards to hand out whenever you get the chance. Scan the newspapers and Web for opportunities to pitch your services at events, exhibitions or functions that seem to fit your potential clients. Attend them and hand out those cards!

Make phone calls, too. Nothing is more effective than cold-calling. Writers call publishers to offer their services. Actors call production houses. Accountants call small companies with no resident accounts department. Who are your customers? You’ll be surprised with how receptive they can be to your proposals.

After that, you can start moving on to some serious A & P work. Build a website for yourself that shows what you’re offering and how to contact you. Make sure you include it in all email correspondence; and list yourself in websites that share your clientele. Don’t forget the online Yellow Pages (or equivalent). The Internet is a powerful marketing tool, and it’s free (most of the time). Use it to the best of your ability. If you’re willing to invest a little more, place some classifieds advertisements in newspapers.

By now, you should have started generating some enquiries already. It’s important to remember to not over commit yourself. Don’t make promises you cannot keep, or deadlines you cannot meet. Judge for yourself how much work you can handle. Ultimately, you’ll find that most of your business is going to be from repeat customers: clients that are happy with your work, and trust you to deliver consistently. This is where your client-supplier relationship skills will be tested. When you are your own boss, the adage that “The Customer is King” is never truer.

Step 3: Watch your interests

Insurance prohibits ladders.

Part of the reason that a lot of us shun setting out on our own is because of the lost benefits that we get from being employed, the two biggest concerns being retirement and medical benefits.

What you have to do is set up your own retirement fund. Most insurance companies these days offer plans that are similar to statutory retirement funds. Yes, you do lose a little in terms of your employers’ controbutions to your fund, but most self-employed people believe it is worth every cent to be able to wake up and say, “I don’t feel like working today,” and go back to sleep.

Medical benefits are a lot easier to replace: a simple medical plan will serve your needs just as well as any company’s employees’ medical benefits. In some instances, you’ll likely find them even better. Medical plans vary according to age and health, but in any case, it’s unlikely that you’ll find yourself paying anything more than USD100 a year – less than USD10 a month.

Step 4: Pay your taxes

One of only two things that are certain in life, being self-employed doesn’t mean that you’re excluded from paying taxes. You might ask how they will ever know, but if I told you the story of one man who didn’t pay taxes for ten years, and found a demand for over USD15,000 in backdated dues on his doorstep one day, you’ll know better than to try evading it.

Filing tax returns is simple, and most of us have done it at least once. Spend a day at the income tax department, and sort out your correspondence address for them to send you your documents. Fill them up, and attach relevant proof of income and relief, and that’s it: you’re done. Make sure you do it every year, else you’ll fall out of practice and get lazy.

Step 5: Enjoy the good times; prepare for the bad times

Every business has its cycle, and so will yours. One day, you will find business tapering off a little, and your income fluctuating quite disconcertingly. For this reason, you should always try to save for rainy days… of which there will be many. Some companies will issue cheques late, some not at all. As you gain experience, you’ll learn whom to trust and whom not to. Some people will ask that you redo your best work. Others may reject it outright. Sometimes you’ll find yourself faced with an irate customer. Sometimes, you’ll lose them altogether. It’s a sad reality that the world, like your customers, is not perfect.

But all this is invaluable to your development as a person, and you will have many bittersweet lessons to learn from. Take them in stride, and one day, perhaps as soon as a year later, you’ll be able to say “I’m the boss”.