Crack baby dolls.

“Crack babies” was a term often thrown around in the media in the late-80s that referred to infants who were born to cocaine-sniffing mothers. It was discovered that these babies had great difficulty in absorbing input from their surroundings, resulting in ‘slow’ learning… even by the age of twenty-four months. They were left behind in almost all areas of child development, and frequently, had to undergo special training.

Crack babies call themselves stupid. Yet subsequent research seems to indicate that these babies were only affected in ways similar to that of other drugs consumed during pregnancy such as tobacco and alcohol. Apparently, there is little difference in the damage caused by smoking versus the damage caused by snorting coke.

The danger, then, is not really in being born to addicted parents. It’s in growing up with addicted parents.

What they don’t know will hurt them

Brad and Lucy (not their real names) are a couple with very modern ideas. They only son, Shaun, just turned four. But they are not married, civil or otherwise. Their fundamental principles on child upbringing differ considerably from conventional tradition… particularly with regards to their rules of exposure.

“As long as Shaun does not know exactly what it is we are doing, it is no different from smoking or having a beer while watching television,” says Lucy. “Besides, it’s only a little pot — what harm did that ever do?”

Of course, a young child who cannot tell right from wrong will obviously not be able to tell a cigarette from LSD. But the difference in the addictive qualities between smoking and narcotics is clear. According to Chris Sekar, Substance Abuse Counselor at Gleneagles Intan Behavioural Counselling Centre in Kuala Lumpur, cigarettes are not socially dysfunctional, but more of a health hazard. Drugs are a different kettle of fish altogether.

“Nonetheless, a large percent of drug users start off with cigarettes,” he cautions.

He’s right: there never was a drug abuser who did not start off smoking. When you don’t know what’s good for you – or don’t care – smoking can easily give way to heavier stuff, usually marijuana. After that come the pills. Then, when nothing ‘buzzes’ you anymore, comes the heroin.

The same goes with alcohol, candy and sex. Habits lead to dependency, and dependency is just another word for addiction. It does not really matter what is being consumed, but how it is consumed. A substance addiction in a household — any substance — invariably results in children who are easily addicted.

There is a fine, grey line between addiction and habit. Many people do not realise when they cross it. Shaun’s dad, Brad, does not think they have, and therefore believes that rather than setting a bad example for Shaun, they are demonstrating self-control.

“The trick is to make sure that you’re always in the driver’s seat — not the other way around,” says Brad hotly. “All you need is to make sure that you do it in moderation. One joint a day, one trip a week. No more. That’s what we are teaching Shaun.”

The trouble is, children often don’t learn the lessons we expect them to, do they? Up until age five, you tell your child your opinions and hear them echoed back to you as their own. But after that, everything you teach them is coloured by their own perception of the world. Your once-a-day rule may not be a good enough disincentive for them to try to do it twice a day… you know, just to see if they have more self-control than you.

Children synthesise instructions according to their own prejudices. But that doesn’t mean they stop learning.

Learning, always learning

Because the rituals between their families and those of their friends are so different, children of dope-consuming parents quickly learn how their home lives differ from those of their friends. An average family dinner at the home of Brad and Lucy, for instance, is often followed by what they call “a fat joint” — while his parents get stoned, Shaun plays with his Spiderman action-figure. By contrast, his best-friend’s family has dinner, settles down to watch a sitcom and has ice-cream as a nightcap.

“Children are not naïve,” warns Chris. “By the age of seven to ten, most children with dope-addicted mothers or fathers will already have a good idea that their parents are somewhat ‘different’ from their schoolmates’.”

Contrary to what Brad and Lucy think, Chris believes that the probability of Shaun growing up to become a substance abuser is significantly higher than for normal children because the social learning theory and role-modelling of his parents is so different from his friends.

“The informative years are crucial,” says Chris. “Where clear principles and boundaries are shattered, the child is exposed to confusion. Parents who use drugs indicate to the children that their parental priority is drug use.”

Children are told every day that drugs are bad by school teachers, the government and the media. Seeing their own parents take drugs will naturally confuse them.

“How do you think this would affect them?” warns Chris. “Their sense of worth and self esteem will naturally deteriorate. Drugs will provide an escape to comfortably numb the realities.”However, Lucy remains adamant that there’s nothing wrong in using marijuana or a little cocaine as a lifestyle drug.

“Sooner or later, Shaun is going to be confronted with the prospect of drugs,” she contends. “Isn’t it better that we teach him moderation now, rather than he pick it up later and possibly do it without our knowledge?”

The notion that it may be best to not teach him anything about drugs at all does not seem to occur to her.

Of course, Brad and Lucy do not actively tutor Shaun in the art of getting stoned. But then Chris thinks that Shaun may not need to actively participate in the ritual in order to accustom himself to the act anyway.

“Cigarettes, for example, are more harmful to the non-smoker because the exhaled fumes are more toxic,” explains Chris. “Conversely, ‘chasing the dragon’ (heroin) in a child’s presence in a poorly ventilated room can induce addiction.”

Theoretically, child could become so used to getting high in his living room that he starts to crave for it… even more than for his PlayStation.

But that’s not the bad news. The bad news is that it is going to be much harder for the child to quit than it is for his parents, because the way he first formed the habit means that it is very deeply ingrained and will not break easily.

“The children of these (drug consuming) parents will certainly have a harder time kicking the habit than addicts who acquire it through society,” says Chris Sekar. “Boundaries on relationships have been broken. The child would have witnessed drug abuse in its various forms. There is a lot of shame and guilt to cope with, and he has to rewrite his script and skills to live life on life’s terms. ‘Instead of giving me protection, you gave me your addiction’ is a lingering pain,” Chris explains.

Denial

Being a drug addict is no fun, as many an addict will testify. It gnaws away your pockets first, then later, your life. Bit by bit, it picks your very existence apart, until you want nothing more than to know where your next ‘hit’ is going to come from.

Brad and Lucy are not at the stage where the drugs have taken control of their lives… yet. But the same could be said about a dozen other bad habits that children are exposed to during their adolescence and early youth — smoking, drinking and eating candy excessively all start off as fun… until the habit starts to control you.

That’s the way it is with addiction — you think you can control it, and in the beginning, you succeed. But in time, as your body becomes dependent upon the stuff, you lose control. And you never see it coming; you’re never aware of it. It just happens. One day you wake up and find that you have crossed that fine, grey line. By then, it’s too late — you’re an addict.

Although Brad and Lucy seem confident that they can teach Shaun to tell the difference between excessive substance use and controlled substance use, there is no way they can be sure. Shaun may well learn something different: escapism, self-deception and the pure pleasure of getting ‘high’. In any case, his idea of family dinners will always involve marijuana afterwards, and his childhood memories of Sunday afternoons will always have a round of “chasing the dragon”.

Unless he forms new ideas of what is ‘normal’ family time, Shaun will one day watch his own son play video games while he keeps a date with Lucy in the sky… with diamonds. How frequently he dates her, of course, remains to be seen.

That’s a risk Brad and Lucy either cannot see, or don’t want to see.

Naturally, it’s too early to tell. After all, Shaun is only four. But addiction is a slippery slope, aye, and once you’ve slipped, few find their way back up.

I’ve been smoking since I was twelve, and I never thought that I’d be doing it this long. How did I start?

Well, to begin with, both my parents were smokers.

One can only hope that little Shaun is stronger than I.

Photo credit: jonfeinstein. Click image to visit photographer.

A quick look at today’s papers will give you at least one report of a car accident in which a family of four or five were tragically killed. Often, these accidents are no fault of theirs — an overtaking vehicle, a drunk driver, even a cat caught in your headlights on a highway can make you panic and lose control. But while these driving hazards are beyond your control, you can at least do your best to make sure the environment within your own car is as safe as can be… especially for your children. Making sure everyone wears their seatbelts besides, curious toddlers and quarrelsome tweens can make you lose your concentration when driving… and I don’t think we need tell you how dangerous that can be.

Lock the windows

An annoying habit that many children have is fiddling with power windows. They wind them down, throw rubbish out of it (another story altogether!), then wind them up again. Then they do the same thing again. And again. It can be very irritating to a driver, so do lock your power windows. If your car does not have a power window lock, or if it uses manual windows, then take your car to a workshop to get them to fix it — either by installing a power window lock switch, or by removing the handles from the manual windows in the backseat. You can always put them back on later.

Lock the doors

It’s every parent’s worse nightmare: your child opening the car door whilst you’re in motion. And, yes, it can happen. All modern cars feature a child-proof door lock which prevents people from opening the door from the inside. But how many of us actually use it? Refer to your car’s user manual to find out how to operate this feature, or ask your friendly neighbourhood mechanic (although your husband ought to be able to figure it out himself). And while you’re at it, see if your car’s seat-belts have child-proof mechanisms which prevent their squirming out of them. If they don’t, ask a good car accessories shop for a gadget that makes regular seat belts fiddle-resistant.

Shut the kids up

Two kids having a shouting match in the backseat whilst you’re inching your way through shopping mall traffic is not what any parent had in mind when they decided to have children. Your already frayed nerves are slowly pushed into danger zone, you begin to lose patience on the road, and then…. Crash! You could a) yell at your child to shut up or no ice-cream; b) ignore it (which is very difficult); or, c) play silent games. One game like this is Stare (who can look into the other person’s eyes longest without blinking. Rules? No talking!). Another good game is Count the Cars (silently count how many green cars you see on the road). Always have the radio on in the background so that it does not seem too quiet in the car, and if they really must talk, play the all-time favourite game: I Spy. Start the game when you begin your journey, and end at your destination (or when they fall asleep, whichever happens first).

Don’t let them get bored

Children turn naughty when they’re bored, and nothing is quite as boring as sitting around a backseat all day… and an hour or two does seem like a day to them. As long as they are sufficiently entertained, they are generally quite happy to leave you alone. So, try and keep all manner of distractions in the car ready for use — toys, drawing paper and crayons, GameBoys, books on riddles and puzzles… anything that you can use to keep them occupied. For long journeys, try not to stop when your child is asleep. Instead, make your stops when the kids are awake, as these are invaluable opportunities for them to burn their energy.

What is a safe car?

Sedan? 4-wheel drive? MPV? Buying a car is a complex affair, but apart from what they tell you in the brochures, these are some other considerations.

• Sedans have a very low centre of gravity, and are therefore less likely to turn turtle on you if you need to make a sudden swerve. However, the doors and seats are also much lower to the ground, around the same level as all other vehicles’ bumpers. In a side-collision, passengers are far more likely to get hurt. If you drive a vehicle with exceptional safety standards (think Volvos), then this impact is very effectively dispersed to other parts of the car. Side airbags will also help protect passengers.

• 4-wheel drives have a much higher centre of gravity and are therefore less stable in sudden swerve situations. However, they have become much safer in recent years, especially with SUVs like Ford’s new Escape 2.3L VICS which features the Control Trac II 4WD System. This cool addition automatically proportions torque (even when in motion) in order to decrease the likelihood of slipping, especially on wet and slippery surfaces. Other safety features like Anti-lock Braking System (ABS) with Electronic Brake Distribution (EBD) have made driving 4-wheel-drives safer, too.

• MPVs (or Multi-Purpose Vehicles) have become very popular in the last decade because they offer so much space to families. However, when all this space is filled up, the additional weight can make avoiding a collision a tricky affair. The vehicle is less predictable with a full load, and, because it’s taller, it is also harder to control in sudden swerves. But again, modern additions like ABS make them safer than they were before.

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Photo credit: banjo d. Click image to visit photographer.

Close your eyes and think back to your childhood. You might remember your mother fussing over you the time you scraped your knee in a nasty tumble. You might recall your father urging you to the finish line on Sports Day. You might even have vivid memories of your birthday party when you turned the (then) grand age of twelve, your mom and dad singing along with your friends.

Now, take away one of your parents from those memories, and see what you have left.

For most of us, parents are a part of life. They are entwined with our earliest memories, good or bad. It is easy to take something as fundamental to life as our parents for granted. Like the air we breathe, haven’t they always been there? (Whether you wanted them there or not is beside the point).

Yet not all of us have had both parents around all the time. Some divorces mean that one parent has to stay away, although he or she can come to visit. But for many, their childhood memories only have one parent in them. Their albums may have yellowed photographs of the other, and somewhere in the back of their minds, they have hazy recollections of the missing mother or father’s smiling face. But that’s all they have.

As a child, separation must be a difficult concept to grasp — why can’t my parents just love each other? And what about me! But, as an adult with your own fair share of failed relationships, things take a different perspective.

Three women whose parents’ divorced under varying circumstances agreed to share their experiences of their childhood, and what their opinions are of their parents today. Now that they’re all grown up, perhaps what they have to say may strike a chord close to the heart of you, Dear Reader, should you be thinking about separation. All identities have been concealed to avoid any embarrassment.

CASE #1: Choosing the distance

For Catherine, now 35, the announcement of her parents’ divorce when she was was more a relief than a shock. From as far back as she can remember, they had bitter arguments which frequently ended up with blows being exchanged.

“My mother used to throw plates at him,” she says. “There was a lot of broken crockery in the kitchen in those days!”

But a cloud passes over her face as she recalls her mother’s bruised face, slumped against the bathroom wall, crying. Catherine was eight when her mother sat her down and told her she would be leaving her father. Catherine cried, but in her heart, she was glad; glad that there would not be anymore fights.

“My mother told me she would come to visit me every week,” Catherine says. But she doesn’t remember ever seeing her again.

Catherine’s mother gave up custody to her husband, and was free to visit her anytime she wanted. But she didn’t. Catherine’s father remarried, and moved away. She grew up with her grandmother, meeting him about twice a year.

“Maybe my mother was too afraid of getting beaten up again,” Catherine muses.

“At first, I remember being sad. And then, angry. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her at least once. I hated her for a long time afterwards. My mother failed as a parent; my father, too, for ‘chasing’ her away. But lately, I’ve come to forgive them both. It’s too burdensome carrying that hatred around.”

Catherine now has two children of her own — a boy, 8; and a girl, 6. She is divorced, but maintains a cordial relationship with the father of her children. He comes and visits whenever he can.

“I don’t want them growing up thinking he is a bad man,” she says. “My ex-husband and I may have failed each other, but that does not mean we have to fail our children.”

CASE #2: Remaining close

Photo credit: whatmegsaid. Click image to visit photographer.

Susan, 30, has fonder memories of growing up, even though her parents divorced when she was twelve. She cannot rightly say what the reasons for their separation was (“Probably something like ‘irreconcilable differences’,” says Susan), but in the big picture, it did not really matter.

“They used to argue a lot… but that’s the hallmark of all divorces, isn’t it?” says Susan.

Although Susan does say she would have liked it if they stayed together, she knows now that it was better that they didn’t. No child likes growing up with fighting parents. Hers were separated, but her father came to visit her almost every day. She stayed with her mother alone for the rest of her growing years, but never moved too far away from where her father lived.

“He would come round on his bicycle just to see me,” Susan giggles. “He’d ask me how my day at school was and sometimes take me to the shop for ice-cream.”

Yet Susan’s own relationships have never ended up with marriage, something which she suspects may have more to do with her own insecurities than with the men she has met. Subconsciously, she believes she may never make that commitment.

“I lived with my Mummy alone for many years. I know a woman can make it alone, without a man. Perhaps that is why I’m not desperate, even though I know my biological clock is ticking,” reflects Susan.

Her parents remain on good terms, and still see each other on birthdays and other family occassions.

“I don’t think I was abandoned,” says Susan. “I love both my parents very much, and I think that what they did was best for everyone.”

CASE #3: Lost and found

Sylvia’s story may sound painful to some, but none more so that she. Her parents married as rebels of their families. Her father was a door-to-door salesman, and being the possessive type (his wife was a sort of beauty queen), insisted that her mother stay at home. After two years of a chaotic and often violent marriage, she left home, leaving Sylvia behind.

But not without a fight. She tried to get Sylvia to stay with her, but her ex-husband scared her witless. His brothers threatened her with violence, forcing her to give up the chase. Alone, divorced (this was the early 1970s, mind you) and with a family that barely supported her cause, she fled and has remained as far away from him as possible.

“I don’t know whether I blame my father or my mother for what happened,” says Sylvia, now 33-years old. “He said she was a flirt; she said he was violent.”

Her father remarried several years later, and her growing years were not pretty. He was a womaniser and an alcoholic, both traits of which Sylvia came to understand very early in life. His second wife — barely eight years older than Sylvia herself — was as abusive as she was sneaky. As her stepmother, she made Sylvia’s life a misery for as long as she remained in school.

“I think I hated my real mother for abandoning me most during those years, when my stepmother made my life a living hell,” whispers Sylvia.

Twenty years after leaving her, Sylvia’s mother sent her a present in secret on her wedding day. Three years later, Sylvia was divorced. She had no children.

Then, out of the blue, Sylvia’s mother called her office to speak to her. Sylvia breaks into tears as she recalls the day she first heard her mother’s voice.

“I didn’t know what to think or feel,” recalls Sylvia. “I felt angry, happy and sad all at the same time. I felt like a baby, and wanted so much to tell her of the nights I spent crying, alone, by the window, when Daddy was out getting drunk.” Sylvia says.

But she didn’t say any of those things. Instead, she put up a brave front. She figured that her mother’s phone call took a lot of courage, so Sylvia made sure she said all the right things: “Yes, the gold bangle on her wedding day was lovely,” (it didn’t fit); “My stepmother is not too bad,” (she was horrible); “My ex-husband was a bad man,” (he is a good guy, and they are still friends).

Several phone calls later, they agreed to meet.

“She said on a Wednesday that we’d meet on Friday for dinner, without the knowledge of HER husband or HER (other) daughter,” says Sylvia. “For a split second, I felt special; our relationship would be our secret.”

But her mother chickened out and stood Sylvia up. What hurt Sylvia most was that during all the conversations they had, it was all about her mother’s daughter, her mother’s husband, her mother’s S-curved hair, her mother’s beatings from Sylvia’s father. It was all about her, her, her.

“Occasionally, when her conscience kicked in, she asked about me,” says Sylvia. “If I got beaten as a child, if I smoked or if I was mad at her.”

That was the last time Sylvia heard from her, five years ago. She is not thinking about remarrying.

Games, games, games.

The sign reads “Sunshine Cybercafe — 24-hours”, but this dingy shop in Subang Jaya, Malaysia has never seen the light of day. The smell of stale cola and cigarette smoke waft out the door as two pallid-faced tweens step out. Behind them, machine guns fire, grenades explode and bombs drop.

One boy massages his right hand. The other cracks his knuckles. These are their battle wounds. War Craft, Doom, Quake, Counterstrike: for USD0.50 an hour – 20% off for members – kids at Sunshine Cybercafe can be the good guys in cyberspace around the clock. Beverages not included.

Death by gaming

For many kids, computer games has become a serious addiction. Although authorities and health professionals are already clued in to the problem, many parents are not. But while the games are purely make believe, the hazards of excessive computer gaming are most certainly real.

In 2007, a 30-something man in Beijing died after a three-day internet gaming binge. In Hong Kong, a 28-year-old man and 17-year old boy died within a year of each other, both while playing the same first-person shooter. Deaths by gaming have also been reported in the US, where a man died after a week of playing Nintendo; and in South Korea, where a man died after four days of non-stop online games.

“Our society is becoming more computer dependent not only for information, but also for fun and entertainment,” says Dr. Maressa Orzack, Ph.D. of the Computer Addiction Service at Harvard-McLean Hospital in the U.S. “This trend is a potential problem affecting all ages, starting with computer games for kids.”

Dr. Orzack, who has been studying computer addiction of various forms for nearly twenty years, says that it is an emerging disorder suffered by people who find the virtual reality on computer screens more attractive than everyday reality.

“It is a problem very similar to Pathological Gambling or Compulsive Shopping; and, like other addictions, it affects other people such as family, friends, and co-workers,” she explains.

Healing the wounds

Computer game addiction is overwhelmingly more likely to be a problem with boys than girls. Computer games allow teenage boys to escape from peer pressures into his own private fantasy, where he can control everything. They seek solace in cybergames the way teenage girls seek solace in binge diets. Both addictions offer the illusion of control, which explains why Dr. Orzack recommends treating computer addiction just like you would treat eating disorders.

“The basic idea is to teach people how to normalise their behaviour — a key goal in eating disorder therapy.”

The technique, known as “cognitive-behavioral therapy” teaches you to monitor your thoughts and identify the ones that trigger addictive action. Dr. Orzack also encourages the use of Motivational Interviewing to set goals for kids who already know they are spending too much time at gaming and want to get better.

“All this is besides getting him or her to spend more time doing other things like sports or reading,” says Dr. Orzack.

Symptoms of Computer Game Addiction

• Inability to stop playing (for example, at mealtimes)
• Playing into the wee hours of the morning
• Reluctant to take part in family activities
• Lying about when or how long he’s been at the computer
• Back aches, dry eyes and carpal tunnel syndrome
• Seems happier when playing games than any other time
• Declining grades at school