Be like her and you won't need the car.

It’s easy to become irresistible to men. Don’t believe us? Check out these easy-to-follow steps!

1. Always be well-groomed

   Think of the woman whom you consider to be the best-dressed babe in your office — what kind of responses does she evoke from your male colleagues? Respect? Awe? Lust? It’s easy to understate the importance of being well-groomed, yet a good-fitting suit — one that accentuates the right curves and hides the flab — does wonders for your personal outlook.

   
   

   “It’s called the halo effect,” explains Steven Jeffes, author of Appearance is Everything (Sterling House). “People who are attractive are presumed to possess higher levels of intellect and motivation, they’re presumed to be friendlier and more outgoing, as well as perceived to be capable of far greater accomplishments than those who are not. It’s all based on perception.”

   Well-groomed does not mean expensive or even beautiful. You may never be a movie star, but at the very least, you can look pleasant. So, take a good look at yourself and your wardrobe. Are you wearing clothes that suit your body type? Do you have at least one nice dress to use on dates, one that really brings out your best features, one that has never failed to make heads turn? What about your hair — are you maintaining it at a suitable length? The ‘halo effect’ can not only help your career, but can also make you one of the hottest assets around.

2. Learn how to cook

   ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,’ goes the old saw. So, if you know how to cook, you’ve already won half the battle. And if you know how to cook well, then I don’t know why you’re reading this in the first place!

   How to cook bacon.

   Cooking does not mean fried chicken or instant noodles (even if it does come with veggies and tuna). Cooking means curries, pies, soups, stews… and none of that out-of-the-packet seasoning. Not many men know how to cook themselves, but they all have mothers and they know the difference between a real home-cooked meal and a poor, instant imitation.

   If you don’t know at least four or five dishes already, then pick up a cookbook (I recommend anything by Jamie Oliver — his recipes really do work!) and start experimenting. Cooking is an art, and the only way to improve is through practice. The hypnotic effect good food has on a man — any man — is well documented. Cook your target a curry or something and you’ll leave an indelible impression on his mind.

3. Laugh a lot

   It’s been said that the most attractive characteristic a man can possess is a powerful sense of humour. Well, the same is true for women … to a certain extent. Although it’s usually the man who is expected to make the woman laugh, all men can appreciate a woman who can do the same in return, especially one who can laugh at herself.

   Men and their jokes are often insensitive to women, which is what made Catherine 23, so appealing to Brad, 25: she was able to laugh right along to his buddies’ jokes about women’s PMS.

   “She listened attentively and laughed out loud when the punchlines hit, even though the jokes were aimed at her sex,” recalls Brad. “It made me think: now here is a woman who is a lot of fun — I’d like to get to know her better.”

   The one thing that usually makes men better friends than women is that they know when a joke is a joke, even if it’s aimed at them. They don’t take things as personally as women are likely to. If you can learn to detach yourself in this way, you’ll be one of his favourite people to hang around with — always irresistible.

4. Don’t be Needy

   Although the movies and songs tell you otherwise, men actually love women who are independent enough to take care of themselves. Needy women mean high-maintenance, and most men to not want that kind of burden on their time and energy.

   The Needy Woman.

5. Read a lot

   Although you don’t have to be a nuclear physicist to hold a conversation with a man, most men — the ones worth knowing, at least — do expect a degree of intellect that is at least equal to their own. In the airline hospitality industry, stewards often joke about whether a woman could be a wife or only a girlfriend. Dumb blondes always fall into the second category.

   Yes, it’s true that some men are intimidated by women who seem smarter than them. But these blokes are not the ones we’re interested in, are we? Insecure men (or women, for that matter) are like orphaned earrings: you never know whether to keep them in the hope that they find what it is they’re missing; or whether to throw them out because they’re only cluttering up your space. But you always end up doing the latter anyway.

   Read books that stimulate thought. Do a general knowledge quiz or IQ test now and then to sharpen your wit. Watch documentaries instead of those dumb reality TV shows. All of the above will help make you more interesting and more appealing — intellectually — than before. Now, even if he does get bored of gazing into your eyes, he’ll never get bored of hearing you speak.




6. Be a Smiley, not a Grumpy

   

   A smile never goes out of fashion.

   Smileys have always met with more success than Grumpies when it comes to making friends. A pleasant grin lights up your eyes and makes you glow, giving you a radiance that no amount of make-up or exercise can do. It is a universally-accepted way of showing your agreeable nature, and is easily the most effective way of becoming more sexy and attractive in an instant.

   If you’ve got nothing to be happy about, then you’ve got to start from the bottom up. Start smiling even if you don’t feel like it. Soon, the smiles will come easier to you, and you’ll be able to do it without thinking. Keep it up, and you’ll turn your downward-turned lips into a pleasant, sunny face — one he’ll enjoy seeing anytime of the day.

7. Respect his space

   When men date women they lose some of their personal space. There is nothing wrong with that — by dating you, they are agreeing to let you into their world to see how you like it. But like your space, their space is personal and to intrude upon it everyday will make him feel crowded.

   “I couldn’t stand the way she just wanted to do everything with me,” says Alan, 26, in recalling a girl whom he used to date. “Whether it was going to the pub or playing a game of football, she just had to come along. I felt choked. There was no room for me anymore!”

   You have to learn to tell how close is too close (see our sidebar: Just How Much Space Is Enough?), and once you know the boundaries, stay out of them. A woman who can respect a man’s space like that will be his favourite gal for a long, long time.

8. Know a little about sports

   David Beckham is probably the best thing that has happened to football in the last hundred years. Why? Because he has elevated the popularity of the game to a level hitherto unheard of, a level that includes an audience of women.

   In Bend It Like Beckham, Parminder Nagra plays the role of a football-mad girl who wants to play soccer. How I wish my girlfriends were like that when I was young. But whilst men will never expect you to tell a banana kick from a drive, they will appreciate it if you could tell the difference between Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal.

   My dream girl.

   Women who are able to dig the World Cup are in particularly high demand when the competition comes around every four years. Why not start doing your homework now? Better yet, why not choose a team to support?

9. Have a hobby

   Women who are bored are unattractive because it looks like they do not value their own time and space. Men are very drawn to women who have an engrossing hobby of some sort, one that they can retreat to every now and then. Partly, it’s because by having that hobby, you are declaring that your life is very much your own and is separate from his. But it is also the indefinable attraction that men have for a woman who is concentrating on something.

   So, why not take up something interesting like photography or writing or paragliding? Women who write poetry are said to be very intriguing to men, because the prose they compose is often beyond the comprehension of the male mind (and very often beyond the female mind, too). Women who can sing and play the piano or guitar are particularly sexy. There are thousands of possible hobbies out there — pick one up that interests you, because that will keep you interesting to him.

10. Sharpen your bedroom skills

    
    

    Ah, I suppose this was to be expected. You cannot expect to be irresistible if you don’t know how to get it on. But it’s more than just sex. You have to be able to give the impression that you know every trick there is to know without needing a live demonstration to prove it.

    We’ve all met a man or woman who has given us the feeling that he or she knows a thing or two about carnal pleasure. Yet, these same people do not appear slutty or cheap, because they’re not. It’s in the sparkle in their eye when they look at you, or in the way their lips curl into a smile. You feel like giving yourself up to them and letting them do what they will with you, because you’re positive that they know best.

    Do your research — on the Web, in women’s magazines, the DVD shop — and learn all you can about sex. It’s the one thing that never goes out of fashion with men.

How much space is too much space?

1. 

   Screw him.

   Have pity on him

   Yes, I know it’s hard to pretend that you dumped him. But a spot of positive affirmation can put things in a surprisingly comfortable perspective. Start talking to people about how you were dating him because he was on the rebound — i.e., you took pity on him — but that he has some ‘issues’ that he has not yet sorted out.
   Your quote: “I do hope he sorts his problems out, because he’s in a real mess, you know? The poor guy!”




2. Become an enigma

   It would be easy to hit the club circuit and let everyone know that you’re single and available again, and that you’re actively seeking some companionship. Perish the thought. Instead, become an enigma, an unsolved riddle — no one knows whether you’re still with him or not, and even if they do, it won’t matter because you’re not acting desperate. Your dignity remains intact and, better yet, mysterious women always get the better scores anyway.
   Your quote: “Now, when was the last time I saw him…? You know, I just can’t remember. Why do you ask?

3. How to Give an Acrylic Nail French Manicure.

   Buff up your nails

   Sometimes, the best therapy is TO simply pampering yourself with some unnecessary indulgence which reminds you who the most special person in the world is: You. A manicure is good, but a pedicure thrown in is even better.
   Your quote: “Oh, him? I don’t know really. I’m just thinking about my nail-job right now — aren’t they lovely?”

4. Go public

   Talking about your pain is often the easiest way to get rid of it, which is why we love chatting on the phone so much. But what makes this form of psychotherapy even more effective is going public with it… and showing the world how you have moved on since the break-up. Think radio, TV or even writing to this mag. Guess who’ll be watching and fuming as you turn him into an irrelevant statistic, a number, a faceless man now part of your history?
   Your quote: “What I learned from going out with so-and-so is that your best friend always trumps your boyfriend.”

5. Check his friends out

   Nothing gets to a man’s ego more than women who are cool enough to still be friends with his mates even after he’s broken up with you. They find such maturity humiliating. Stay in touch with his buddies, and perhaps even have a few one-on-ones with the nicer guys to keep his mind busy and yourself happy. Who knows — maybe you had the right bunch of blokes but nailed the wrong knucklehead to begin with?
   Your quote: “Oh, yeah we’re through. But what are we talking about him for? Let’s talk about you.”

6. Accessorise!

   

   Accessories, accessories, accessories.

   True, nice jewellery costs money… money probably better spent on manicures and clothes. But cheap jewellery never hurt anyone, especially if you can afford to just use it once and throw it away. Besides, what would your next man buy you if you already had a pair of diamond-everythings?
   Your quote: “This pendant here kind of reminds me of him — see how it looks so nice? But under the surface, you know it’s cheap.”

7. Have a milk bath

   This might not be easy if you don’t have a bathtub of your own, but you can check out some simple spa centres that cater to women for special occasions — marriages and such — and they’ll do everything for you… including sponging you down! Now, could he ever make you feel so good? To do it yourself, pop into the nearest Body Shop.
   Your quote: “I do believe I’ve found the perfect substitute for a man’s embrace… and it’s much cheaper, too!”

8. Forget his number

   One of the biggest mistakes you can ever make is get in touch with him. How is he supposed to think you’re over him if you keep sending him SMSes at midnight? So, the first thing you should do if you’re set on making him history is delete his number from your mobile phone — you’ll forget it in no time.
   Your quote: “Now, where did I put his number…?”




9. Vacate your home

   Okay, so like the song says, everything reminds you of him. Your front door, where he once snogged you on the way out. The couch, where you spent so many nights watching movies and (ugh!) football. What to do? Go on a holiday, preferably a permanent one — leave your home, and come back when you’ve got him out of your system. Everything will seem neutral again, and you can get on with your life.
   Your quote: “Great! Now I can get away and not have to worry about who’s staying up for me.”

10. Go shopping

    Some things are best bought after break-ups. Like lingerie. And Little Black Dresses. And fishnet stockings, along with high-heels that show your toes. You know, the sort of stuff you wouldn’t feel comfortable getting if he was still with you. Well, now’s your chance!
    Your quote: “This bra, that dress, those earrings — smashing! It’s a pity he won’t see me.”

    
    
    

    Shopping with Kate Moennig.

11. Borrow a pet

    If there’s one thing that takes the blues away, it’s a pet that needs to be loved. Cat, dog, bird, iguana — it doesn’t matter. As long as it makes you feel better. The best part about them is that they never comment on the cellulite around your thighs. Just make sure you give it back when you’re done.
    Your quote: “You’re a lovey puppy, aren’t you? Yes, you’re a real cutie-pie, a cutie-sweetie, cutie-pie….”

12. Get awarded

    If you’ve never won anything in your life, now’s the time to do so. Winning recognition gives such a boost of confidence, it makes everything else in your life seem insignificant in comparison, ex-boyfriends included. Being crowned Pop Idol would be great. Otherwise, think karaoke contests, writing competitions or bagging the Best Dressed at the club.
    Your quote: “I really wasn’t expecting this. I’d like to thank the organisers, my Mum, Dad, the bartender, my pet snake, the waiter… (anyone except him).”

13. Revive your career

    Another well-tested and positive method of shaking a man out of your hair is diving into your career and setting some new goals for yourself… goals that don’t include him. You could change jobs, or do like the celebrities and simply start your own business — now, what would he say about that.
    Your quote: “I’m feeling really good about this decision, and am confident about pulling it off on my own.”

14. Party, party, party!

    No, we don’t mean hitting the club circuit, which would be in violation of #2 on this list. But throwing a private party — and not inviting him — will definitely charge you up. Better yet, have a girlie makeover party where everyone gets to look and act like movie stars. Hire make-up artists and photographers to make it real good. Send out invitations online!
    Your quote: “This party I’m throwing is going to be the best ever. No men allowed — parties are always better without them around, anyway.”

15. “Dear John…”

    Writing a letter is widely considered one of the best therapies around for sorting things out in your head. It works by putting all your problems onto paper for someone else, reading it over yourself, and realising that they’re not that big a deal after all. The trick is to not send it to him. It’s strictly For Your Eyes Only.
    Your quote: “Having read over what I’ve just written, I realise how lucky I am that it’s over between us.”

16. Watch action movies

    There is something about movies which star guys like Vin Diesel or The Rock that is so mind-numbingly stupid, you cannot help but forget about yourself for a while. The dialogue’s horrible, the plot’s pathetic and the acting is dumb. But it doesn’t make you cry, and all that violence gives you the chance to reflect on why being a woman is so wonderfully simple.
    Your quote: “I can’t believe I was dating someone that likes watching this kind of thing. It’s so stupid!”

17. Be a man

    Well, no, not really. But if you’ve been missing his handy hands around the house, then you really should learn to start doing stuff yourself — changing a lightbulb, putting up pictures, fixing a leaky tap. Take up a short D.I.Y. course, or, better yet, get a friend of his to teach you!
    Your quote: “I didn’t realise this was so easy. Why I ever needed a man to change a faucet washer for me, I don’t know.”

18. Get a facial

    Crying really takes its toll on your eyes, leaving them all puffy and horrid-looking. Getting a facial not only makes you look better, but helps you feel better, too. If you can’t afford to go to a professional for it, do it yourself!
    Your quote: “Don’t you think I look better ever since I left him?”

    
    
    

    Egg Mask Facial.

19. Do jigsaw puzzles

    Another very absorbing type of alone-time play is working on puzzles — 500 pieces, minimum. They require hours of concentration, and really do take your mind off everything else happening in your life. Best of all, when they’re completed you can frame them and hang them up where your old pictures of him used to be.
    Your quote: “I’ll hang this one of Big Ben right there at the stairs, and throw that old photo of him at Grand Station out.”

20. Box him up

    Sending gifts back to ex-boyfriends is an old-fashioned way of cutting off the last ties with them. It shows bitterness, and that’s not what you’re aiming for. Instead, gather everything he ever gave you — clothes, cards, earrings, movie ticket stubs, mugs — and put them all in a box. Don’t leave anything out. Then, seal it up and chuck into a back room where you’ll forget about it.
    Your quote: “I know I kept his stuff — for the memories, you know? — but for the life of me, I can’t remember where I put it!”

21. Get a medical

    This may seem odd, but a sure-fire way of convincing yourself that he has not killed you by breaking your heart is to get a full medical check-up. If everything is good to go, then you know that you’re alright!
    Your quote: “I’m doing great. My doctor says so.”

22. Learn a musical instrument

    

    It's easy to learn how to play the guitar.

    Picking up an easy-to-learn musical instrument is an excellent way of giving yourself something to do with all the extra time you now have on your hands. Experts recommend the guitar or harmonica, since they’re cheap and portable. The best part is that you’ll need a musician to tutor you — see if you can get someone cute from the local live music bar.
    Your quote: “I’m learning to play all my favourite songs for my next boyfriend.”

23. Kick him out

    … of your system, that is. If you’ve got a lot of pent-up aggression you need to release, consider signing up for a martial-arts fitness regime like Kickboxing Dance classes or Masala Aerobics. You’ll be sweating him out from under your skin, and toning up that flab at the same time.
    Your quote: “If he were here, I’d show him how I really feel about our break-up.”

24. Meet his mother

    If you really want to irritate the hell out of him, take his mum out to a high-tea buffet. Mothers have a surprising propensity for recalling the most embarrassing moments in the children’s lives, and are usually more than pleased to have someone to talk about them to. At the end of it all, you’ll likely be laughing over him instead of crying!
    Your quote: “Really? He did that? (Laugh) Oh my God, he never told me!”

25. Don’t regret anything

    The cardinal rule of all break-ups is to live and let live. Move on with your life, and don’t mull over the months or years that you think you wasted in the relationship. No relationship is a waste of time, because every experience helps make us better people.
    Your quote: “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Demons are everywhere, but most of all, they're inside your head.

He’s naked. You’re naked. The lights are out. A scented candle burns softly in a corner of the room. The curtains are drawn, but the windows are open. Stevie Wonder’s My Cherie Amour drifts up from downstairs. He moves closer to you, and you open your arms to engulf him in your embrace. You are completely alone….

(Whispered): No, you’re not.

Uh-oh. Looks like your twosome just became a threesome. A third, imaginary presence is in the room, and now you’re more frigid than a block of ice. The Bedroom Demon strikes again.

It could be your mother or your ex-boyfriend or even your partner’s ex-girlfriend, but that Demon haunts your most intimate moments with your boyfriend, putting you out of sorts and him in confusion. Your sex life is being strangled by a figment of your imagination, and you swing between queen dominatrix to virginal kitten every time it makes an appearance. You struggle to maintain focus, but your self-esteem is battered by the things these demons say: “Good girls don’t do that,” says Mom. “You know I’m better than him at this, right?” growls your ex-boyfriend. And, worst of all, the throaty snigger of the busty bombshell your partner dumped to be with you: “You call that sexy?”

Sometimes they leave you alone and you don’t hear from them for weeks. But just when you think they’re gone for good, they return to taunt, to tease and to befuddle you, making you feel inadequate and insecure. Your partner senses something is up, but how are you to tell him? No, you have to fight your own Bedroom Demons… and the sooner the better.

When Mother comes to visit

If your Mom is anything like mine, you can probably still hear some of the things she told you (read: nagged you) when you were young, in exactly the same tone of voice that she’s always said them in. Such gems as “All men are the same” and “Good girls sit with their legs closed” come to mind. But having that voice in your head when you’re trying to have a game of bedroom Blind Man’s Bluff is not only distracting, but downright annoying.

“My Mom has never hesitated to warn me about men,” says Jennifer, a 23-year-old receptionist. “My first boyfriend and I were not allowed to be alone, even for a minute. When he was over for lunch, we were chaperoned to the kitchen!” she recalls.

Jennifer was fifteen then. But even after she turned eighteen and could go out with her other boyfriends, she still got the feeling that she wasn’t alone with them. A pair seemed to follow her wherever she was, and she just couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. So effective were her Mom’s litanies that Jennifer sometimes still sees her disapproving glare hovering before her eyes when she snuggles up close to her boyfriend in bed.

“I heard her saying, ‘Do you know how many women has he slept with, Jenn?’” says Jennifer. “It’s so disturbing to hear that when you’re next to the man you love.”

The trouble with bedroom demons is that you cannot just walk up to them and tell them to leave you alone. Jennifer could hardly blame her Mom for intruding upon her midnight escapades, because she wasn’t really there! Her demon was in her mind, and it was at the root of all her inhibitions.

Jennifer never really shook her Mom out of her head until last year, when she went through her seventh break-up: none of her boyfriends could understand what she went through whenever they tried to get intimate. She just could not relax, and this made them feel insecure.

“My father was unfaithful to my Mom, and they divorced when I was ten,” says Jennifer. “I guess she was just trying to protect me — I just wished she hadn’t tried so hard!”

But even supposing you do have the uncommon good fortune of being blessed with an ultra-modern, ultra-cool Mom with liberated views on sexuality and love, you still won’t be able to avoid the most dreaded demon of all: his ex-girlfriend.

When his ex-girlfriend drops in

Being a woman herself, Esther, 27, feels threatened by other good-looking women… especially if they’ve shared the bed of her partner before. Normally, we learn about our boyfriends’ past liaisons in bits and pieces, over the course of several years. But what happens when you find out about every woman he’s ever loved, and are shown pictures of them, too?

Unlike us, men are not prone to keeping photos of past girlfriends, preferring to throw them out along with the rest of their stuff. But Esther was unlucky and, admittedly, a little stupid. She stumbled across a family photo album in Ricky’s parents’ house. Curiosity got the better of her, and she forced him to walk her through every picture… including the ones in which his arms were romantically draped across the shoulders of different girls at different times in his life. And then the worst possible thing happened: they bumped into his last girlfriend at the mall.

“Ricky’s girlfriends have always been very pretty and very sexy,” says Esther guardedly.

Next thing she knew, whenever they went to bed together, ghostly images of those ex-girlfriends began playing on her mind. She started comparing herself to them, and suddenly her breasts seemed too small and her hair too limp. She couldn’t concentrate and was losing her sexual esteem. Horribly, the act itself began to seem forced.

“I knew it was silly,” says Esther. “They are part of his past, just like my ex-boyfriends are part of my past. But after meeting Kimberly, I couldn’t help but feel so unattractive and inadequate. I kept thinking about how she had made love to him, how she had drove him wild. I had visions of them in bed together, and Ricky going mad with lust. How was I supposed to feel good about myself?”

It took some weeks before Kimberly faded away and stopped dropping by uninvited into Esther’s bedroom. But during that time, Esther subjected Ricky to non-top interrogation about her breast size, hips, bodily hair and acrobatic ability. He didn’t understand what was going on, but patiently reassured her that she was beautiful beyond words every time.

“He was very nice about it, although I bet he must have been confused,” says Esther.

Facing bedroom demons which are not even rightly your own is tough because you don’t know them. But it can be done, with a lot of love and time.

“I can’t even remember what Kimberly looks like anymore,” says Esther. “At least when she comes visiting now, I only see a hazy image and dull voice. I just keep reminding myself that although she is Ricky’s past, I’m his present. And that makes me the special one.”

When your ex-boyfriend swings by

As good as our ex-boyfriends may have been in bed, having them in your head when you’re trying to get down and dirty with someone new is downright unnerving, particularly when what they’re saying is true.

If your ex looks like Mr. Depp, you'd be forgiven for still having wet dreams about him anyway.

“My ex was a real pest and I have no regrets about leaving him,” says Christine, 25. “But he was sooo good in bed. He never disappointed.” Six months later, Christine still has the occasional wet dream over him, which is nice. What isn’t nice is the fact that he also comments on the sexual performance of her new partner almost every time she’s between the sheets with him.

Christine says she used to hear her ex whisper about everything from her boyfriend’s stamina to his clumsy orgasm. Things got better the more she talked to him about what it is she wanted, but she’s never been blown away the way she was with her ex.

“I’ll admit that Greg (her new boyfriend) cannot do the things that my ex could,” continues Christine. “This demon seems to know it. Every time I’m not satisfied with something Greg is doing, I think of my ex. It’s so upsetting, and worst of all, I cannot talk to Greg about it.”

Christine has battled her ex-boyfriend’s demon the only way she knows how: by focusing all her energies into making the sex with her current partner better. But it’s an uphill fight, because they’re so different. Her ex was an adventurous experimenter, whilst her present partner is a lot more reserved.

“My ex had a way with my body that I doubt I’ll ever experience with another man again,” says Christine, rather sadly. “But I feel an emotional connection with my current partner that wasn’t there with my ex. I think that makes it right, even if it’s not earth-shattering.”

Demon busters

Talk dirty to me baby, yeah.

Excellent remedies for getting rid of your bedroom demons include:

1. Dirty talk — if you keep up the sexy conversation with your partner, constantly encouraging him to do this, that or the other (and vice versa), your bedroom demon will not have the opportunity to interject with his/her own words of wisdom.
2. Loud music — Jennifer swears by Guns ‘n’ Roses, but you probably have your own favourite band that can help drown out that voice in your head. Blast it loud and clear, so much so you have to raise your voice to be heard (which is kind of empowering in itself, considering the language you’ll be using). Our recommendations? Think Metallica, Matchbox 20 and Linkin Park.
3. Getting drunk — okay, maybe not, since this will also pretty much drown out any other sensation you’re supposed to feel.
4. Counting sheep — the age-old method for inducing sleep also blocks out unwanted voices. The only trouble is that it can even distract you from the task at hand: making love.
5. Arguing — I know, it doesn’t seem to make sense, does it? But remember Gollum in Lord of the Rings, and how he argued his other voice into submission (Master is good — is not — is too — is not — is too!)? That’s the principle you need to use here, even if you do seem to be off your rocker for a moment.

... and they lived happily ever after?

Of all the people that I’ve ever had the displeasure of sharing a house with, I think my brother probably takes the prize for Least Pleasing Housemate.

It’s been six years since he’s moved out. But I can still smell the pong of his sweaty sneakers in the hall like it was yesterday. I can still hear him snorting and grunting in the lavatory every time I pass the door. I can still see his trail of breadcrumbs leading from the kitchen to the living room.

It’s no fun trying to live with a guy. He could be your brother, your cousin or your father or your boyfriend — it makes no difference. Boys will boys, and they will leave the toilet seat up.

Which brings me to cohabitation: the fine art of a couple sleeping, eating, and ‘pushing’ together in the hope of making their relationship more meaningful… and to test the waters of marriage.

We are largely divided over whether cohabitation is a good thing or not. According to Pamela Smock, author of Cohabitation in the United States — Annual Review of Sociology, 55-percent of different-sex cohabitors get married within five years of moving in together. On the other hand, research by Zheng Wu, a sociologist at the University of Victoria suggests that women who live with a man prior to marriage are 80-percent more likely to divorce or separate than are women who have never entered into a live-in situation.

But that’s not stopping us from doing it anyway. Since 1960, the rate of cohabitation has increased 1,000-percent. This trend is understandable, given the many advantages it supposedly offers: shared housing expenses. Shared household chores. Backrubs on demand. Loving company whenever you need it.

But what about when you don’t need it?

When so wrong seems so right

“I thought the time was perfect for us to move in together,” says Cheryl, a 27-year-old restaurant manageress. We worked in the same place (he was a bartender), had the same friends, liked the same things and loved being together… it just seemed so logical.”

As it turned out, things couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Cheryl’s boyfriend was used to seeing her immaculately groomed at work, and was surprised at the flaws he saw underneath all her foundation. She was used to seeing his swaggering, confident walk behind the bar, and didn’t like the way he slept in until noon everyday. But in the end, what broke them up was their lack of personal space — ‘me’ time when they could be alone with their own thoughts.

“It got to a point when I didn’t want to see him anymore,” says Cheryl. “Sometimes, when I was by myself, he would come into the room and try to undress me — I hated it when that happened. I was just not in the mood, and he couldn’t see it.”

Was Cheryl’s idea of cohabitating a bad idea? Dr Dennis W. Neder, author of Being a Man in a Woman’s World doesn’t think so… provided both parties know what their expectations are.

“Until you actually live with someone else, you can’t possibly know what it’s going to be like.” argues Neder. “How unfair for two people to be thrust into a live-in situation without knowing what they are in for. Once the marriage is absolute, that’s a very bad time to find out about how your partner lives! I soundly believe that any couple that wants to be married had better live together first.”

However, it can happen too soon — something posh writers and relationship gurus are calling Premature Cohabitation. But how can you tell? To start with, there are some things you ought to ask yourselves before taking the plunge… including why you’re doing it.

“Before you move in together, it’s best if you’re very clear about what you expect,” say Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot, founders of the Alternatives to Marriage Project and authors of Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple. “Ask yourself: Do you both definitely plan to get married? Do neither of you want to get married? Do you see cohabitation as a trial that will help you decide? You should both have a clear sense of what moving in together means to each of you.”

The toughest part is keeping your expectations reasonable. Living together will not magically transform today’s Marriage-Just-Ain’t-For-Me guy into tomorrow’s Groom-To-Be. And sharing a kitchen and bedroom will not sweeten a volatile relationship.

“Live together because your relationship is going well, not to try to make it better,” advise Miller and Solot.

The couple also recommends signing a Cohabitation Agreement, which works like a prenuptial agreement and helps make break-ups easier. And if things aren’t going well, you should never, never marry your cohabiting partner because you hope marriage will change her.

“If you don’t like what you see in an unmarried significant other, you definitely won’t like it in a spouse,” says Solot.

Hard habits to break

Men all have a bad habit… or six. But these are highly-personal habits, which no one else knows about (or so we hope). Nose-picking. Belching. Farting. If neither his mother’s nagging nor his grandmother’s switch could break his filthy habits, what makes you think you can?

There are some things you can only learn about people after having lived with them over an extended period of time. How long that period is depends on how long we can put up an act.

It boils down to the masks we put on every day before we step out of our homes. The way we behave with everyone else — including lifelong buddies, parents and colleagues — is different from the way we behave when we are alone. Throughout the day, we constantly ask ourselves questions like “What does this person think of me? How can I make this guy like me? Will she be angry if I do this?” We even change our behaviour, if we think it will benefit us.

But we cannot wear our mask indefinitely. Sooner or later, it will start to peel, revealing the soft flesh inside… along with all the other stuff we’d rather not have the rest of the world know about. Mood swings. Mad fits of violence. Hysterical crying.

Although discovering new things about each other was exciting at the beginning, Cheryl grew tired of putting on a show for her ex-boyfriend.

“I just couldn’t be myself anymore,” she complains. “If I put curlers in my hair, he would laugh. If I ate a whole tub of ice-cream by myself, he’d tell our friends. And if I bought a new dress, he would criticise the way I spent my money.”

Of course, this is the primary reason that women cohabit in the first place: you get to learn intimate details about your guy that you would never otherwise guess; and then later, you can decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with him. People call it avoiding divorce, although conservative traditionalists call it avoiding marriage. Either way, you get a pretty good taste of what’s in store should you decide to settle down permanently with him.

This means that there is a very real danger that cohabitation can shatter the perfect picture the two of you have painted of your relationship. What you have to consider is, are you ready to take that risk?

How come, how long?

So, how long after you start dating should you try this cohabitation thing? A month? Three? Six?

Much longer, I’m afraid: everyone agrees you should only start talking about it at least 18-months after your first kiss… and only if you’re very serious about the relationship. You have to get over the initial rush of the relationship, when the sex is hot and the loving is better. It’s called the Infatuation Stage (you know you’re in it if you still think your partner’s perfect), when your heart is too flighty and your head is too silly for you to make serious decisions like this.

“David and I met at a party in our first semester. We hit off so well, we moved in together before the month was out!” says Rita, who is still studying. “Looking back, I know that was where I went wrong — I hardly knew him.”

It is during the next stage of the relationship that the question of cohabitating should first be brought up. This is when the flowers come less regularly and entertainment is mostly movies, Scrabble and late Friday nights. Birthday presents are still great, but there is no sizzling tingle up your spine when he kisses you anymore. You have settled into a pleasant rhythm you like and know well, and you think that you could get used to having that rhythm around you all the time — “Should we move in together?” is a question either party can pop.

However, even if you have been dating for five years and already (think) you know all there is to know about it each other, the time may still not be right.

“If your partner is unsure about living together and needs convincing, then your relationship is just not ready for it,” says Miller.

“When Andrew asked me, I was stunned,” says Melissa, 29. “But the thought was so exciting that I said Yes — it was almost like agreeing to marry him!”

It wasn’t marriage, though. Not yet, anyway, although it is rumoured that wedding bells may be ringing in her direction very soon. She has lived with Andrew for three years, and has no regrets.

“We’ve learned a lot about each other. There was a tough patch which we thought we’d never get through, but we made amends and adjusted our habits to respect each other,” Melissa says. “I think the most important thing we learned is to give each other our space.”

Top 10 Reasons Why Unmarried Couples Aren’t Married… Yet

1. Living together as a step between dating and marriage
2. The time isn’t right
3. Don’t want to become a wife (or husband)
4. To avoid divorce
5. To stay away from City Hall
6. Financial reasons
7. Religious reasons
8. Marriage doesn’t represent the relationship
9. They can’t
10. No compelling reason to marry

Source: Unmarried to Each Other by authors Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller.

Men want commitment, too



Tell no secrets.

You’ve dropped some hints — about having babies, about how nice it would be to have a place of your own, about growing old — but he’s resolutely refrained from asking The Big Question. Finally you ask yourself: “Why is he do scared of commitment?”

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Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but maybe it’s just that he scared of commitment with you. Men look forward to having kids of their own and growing old with someone they love as much as women do (after a certain age, admittedly). And, like women, they want it to be with the right person. However, unlike women, men are never going to say Yes just because “because their heart tells them so”.  They need more than a flutter in their stomachs to commit to anything.





Men fear rejection, too

Beneath their crusty, shiny exterior, men are really all softies squirming with insecurity. They are terrified of being rejected; they actually hurt more deeply than women do because of the need to keep up that ridiculous macho charade. Women that tease men will often find themselves hated by the opposite sex, because men will come to view them as “risky” — the chance of such a woman rejecting you out of pure fun is too high.

This guy obviously can't handle rejection.

”Playing hard to get,” is another ploy that men do not take kindly to. Although it may seem to you the best way of keeping him interested, all you’re really doing is showing him that you can play games with his heart. Unless you’ve starred in America’s Top Models, you may want to reconsider this strategy — most men would gladly take their chances elsewhere.

Men want to be the biggest, fastest, bestest ever



The man any decent boy dreams of being one day.

Yes, men all seem to have a fixation for the longest, biggest and fastest everything. This is because of that little boy inside every man, with his huge insecurities, just dying to Be The Best He Can Be. He wants to a super-duper-achiever, and gain recognition for it from his Mom, his girlfriend, his kids, his next-door neighbour.

When making a decision, a man will choose the the path that displays him in the most powerful light. If it’s the wrong choice, he finds himself in a pickle: being in that powerful light means he cannot show weakness – he cannot admit that he was wrong. So, he shows anger instead. It lets him mask his other emotions, and preserve the sanctity of Little Boy with the Big Problems inside. My advice is this: let him have his way. Deep down, he knows his mistake anyway.

Men like gutsy women

In this age of liberated females, nothing turns a man on more than to have a woman call his mobile phone and ask him to dinner. Better yet, to have her buy him that dinner, and then take him home to her place to watch a movie she chooses.

Men are tired of always having to be the one to make the first move (and risk rejection). Men are tired of having to remember to pick their underwear up off the floor, in case they might have a visitor to bring home. A woman who takes the initiative is, to be a frank, a welcome change.

Men don’t like make-up

This is a guy, believe it or not.

Is Britney really that good looking? No. As a woman, you know that underneath all that make-up, she’s just another plain-old Caucasian girl with freckles and whiteheads. But why do men seem to ogle over her so? It must be the make-up.

Now, this is a little difficult to explain. Although men like looking at women that use their foundation, mascara, rouge, eye-liner and lipstick plus gloss, they don’t fancy being in the company of one. The moment they see you up close, they start analysing your make-up, searching for flaws you might be trying to hide. It detracts from your natural beauty, which is what they’re really interested in. (Hey, are you still going to have all that make-up on in the morning?).





Men don’t like being changed

One of men’s greatest fears is not being loved for who they are. They are terrified of being loved for who they could be, which is not quite the same. In fact, it’s an insult. You may be certain that he would look terrific in a tailored suit, but you’re never going to make him think so. And even if you do, you’ll never make him feel more comfortable in an Armani than a pair of jeans.

If you start making suggestions about the way a man should dress or behave, he will grow suspicious of you, and why you’re with him in the first place. If you fell in love with him in jeans, leave him in jeans. Changing him threatens the Little Boy. He’ll begin to wonder if he ought to get out of jeans just to keep you loving him – now, that would be a terrible pity, wouldn’t it?

Men dislike “The Spot”



What happens to a man when you put him on The Spot.

Sometimes, it’s because you catch him eyeing a woman with to-die-for legs at the mall. You ask him if he thinks the woman pretty (he says No). You ask him if you look fat (he says No). You ask him if your hair seems limp (again, he says No). You ask him several more questions, leading him to The Spot. He writhes, he squirms, but there’s no way out. Then it comes: “What can I do to make you more attracted to me?”

He could have been honest and said the woman was a real knock-out, but that would have hurt you (see #7). And you knew he was lying… else you wouldn’t have asked him all those questions. But you couldn’t it leave it at that, could you? Oh, no. You had to put him on The Spot.

Please don’t. Ever.

Men lie with good intentions, too

The “Am I fat? — No, you’re not” conundrum has been bandied around for decades without us having to go over it again. Yes, men will lie to get themselves out of a tight spot. But that’s not the only reason.

Men are sensitive to other people’s needs and wants, too. And, they will lie to make sure they don’t hurt your feelings — or anyone else’s — even if it’s at their expense. A man will not “say it to your face” if he can help it, and would rather suffer a date with the girl of his nightmares than hurt her.




Men are more loyal than you think





The boyfriend who tried, but could not resist.

Men have a terrible reputation to live up to, when you think about it. They’re supposed to be zipper-free, virginity-conquering bigamists, with an appetite for variety and spice surpassed only by their appetite for fried chicken and football. But most of them are nothing at all like that… and not surprisingly, either.

Almost all men are loyal husbands and boyfriends. Unless you see lipstick on his collar and his belt buckle, he probably really was just having a drink with his boss after work. Men really are not as sexually charged as women think, and are more concerned about work and their career than sex.

Men are not all the same

Men don’t ALL like football, they don’t ALL enjoy farting and they don’t ALL think about sex ALL the time. In fact, men stopped being like each other — hell, they made a conscious effort to do so — several decades ago, when the first books that analysed the male psyche appeared. Since then, they’ve tried very hard to differentiate themselves from one another in a gazillion different ways. So, don’t compare them with each other, alright?

Anyone can play the blame game.

Your parents aren’t rich enough, your boyfriend is a jerk, your boss is a sadist and your cat refuses to be house trained. Your life is a mess and it’s Everyone Else’s Fault… or is it?

For Linda, life couldn’t have been worse. She’d just failed her finals. Her parents were up in arms about her college fees gone to waste. The bank was calling her about her unsettled credit card bill and her rent was overdue.

Linda blamed it all on Ravind, her ex-boyfriend: if he hadn’t dumped her one week into their last semester, then she reckoned she would have been alright. But, still not satisfied, she went on to accuse her best-friend Madeline of refusing to help her out of her mess.

“I sat through at least two dozen nights of crying after Ravind left her,” says Madeline, now no longer Linda’s confidante. “But the finals were coming up. I had to start studying, you know?”

The fact is, Linda did not want emotional support. Madeline says that she was in financial dire straits long before Ravind left her — in fact, Linda was secretly hoping that he’d be the one to help her out of her debt. That was the real reason why Linda was so upset when he left: suddenly, she was facing those bills all alone. Madeline even thinks it possible that Linda was then counting on her to come up with the cash, and when Madeline went back to her books without even suggesting the financial aid she needed, well, things got that much worse.

Linda was not available for comment, of course. But you get a feeling that she’d defend herself tooth and nail and blame everyone else for her troubles. Because that’s the way it is for women like her: it’s always Someone Else’s Fault.

Victim mentality

Barbara Baker, President of TEAMCares Inc., an online support organisation, calls it ‘victim mentality’ — when everything that is wrong with your life is because of someone or something else. It’s always an external force, but never, ever yourself.

“If you do not get the promotion it is because Mr. So-and-So was out to get you,” illustrates Ms Baker. “Not because he found you playing on the Internet every day.”

Linda isn’t alone in viewing the cruel world through the distorted eyes of one who has suffered disappointments before — who among us have not met with rotten luck now and then? But then, I think we can all admit to at least one occasion when we unfairly pinned the blame on everything else but us. We all have our ups and downs. But unlike Linda, we don’t all need to feel blameless to get on with life after these setbacks.

Although accepting blame for everything isn’t healthy either, it is imperative that you be able to admit when things are your fault — that is the problem many women face, especially today’s empowered woman who believes that she is still being oppressed by sexists and tradition. For Linda, assigning the blame to someone else meant that she had absolved herself of all responsibility for her mess.

“Life is easier when you can play the blame game,” says Baker. “The blame game makes it easy for your life not to move forward or for you to grow.”

Culpable responsibility

The average child receives 432 negative comments per day versus 32 positive ones. And, in America, the same child only gets 12.5 minutes per day in communications with their parents or caretakers.

“Of that time, 8.5 minutes are spent correcting, criticizing or arguing, leaving a whopping 4 minutes per day for the instruction of values, morals, ethics, attitude and self esteem,” says Baker. “You were once this child.”

With all that negativity to deal with, it’s no wonder we grow up having a hard time seeing the good in the world. Most of us emerge from childhood being able to acknowledge when we’re to blame, and when not. Some don’t, and live life with deeply ingrained victim mentality — how can you tell if you are one of them?

“The first step is to listen to yourself,” says Baker. “Are you blaming others in your life for all the distress in it? Are you not accepting responsibility for your actions? Are you giving some other person the power (by blaming them you are giving them the power) to have control in your life? Do you look at life as being unfair to you and that everyone else gets the breaks?”

Tough questions to answer. But shying away from answering them truthfully can hurt you more than you expect.

Blame the economy

“Blaming others is one of the worst things you can do in relation to emotional integrity,” writes Carole Nicolaides, President and Executive Coach of Progressive Leadership, Inc. “It is distantly related to an addiction. Pretty soon almost everything that does not happen according to your liking becomes someone else’s fault.” Nicolaides advocates a six-step approach to learning to accept responsibility for failures instead of trying to censure others (see sidebar: Six Steps to Blaming Less).

Patricia, a successful 33-year-old project manager, used to blame her boyfriends — all six of them — for their break-ups. But these same boyfriends all went on to have fulfilling, long-term relationships with other women. Two have gotten married.

“I used to think that all men were out to sabotage my life,” Patricia admits. “But when I went for Felix’s (one of her ex-boyfriends) wedding last year, I realised that the bride could have been me. It made me wonder why I couldn’t get that kind of happiness.”

The first thing Patricia did was Blame the Man again — all men want someone weak-willed, someone pliable, a woman to wrap around their fingers. But then Felix’s new wife was a successful lawyer, which shot her theory to bits. So Patricia did what any project manager would do: she called her ex-boyfriends, one by one, to find out what it was that made their relationships fall apart.

“It was revelatory,” says Patricia. “Of the four that I managed to get in touch with, three said that what drove them crazy was the way I always blamed them for whatever went wrong in my life.”

Patricia attributes her philosophy that ‘The Man is Always Wrong’ to her mother, who, after her husband left her, inculcated the idea into all her children. All she was trying to do was protect them from the evil that men do, of course. But Patricia took what she said a little too far.

“Thinking back, I realised that it was true,” says Patricia. “If I didn’t have enough clothes, it was because He didn’t take me shopping often enough. If I had a flat, it was because He hadn’t pumped my tyres. If I was late, it was because He held me up at home. It’s a wonder they put up with me for as long as some of them did!”

Patricia has found the courage to confess that she is not always right, and that Men are Not Always to Blame for everything that goes wrong. But it took her many years — ¬¬and many tears — to learn her lesson.

Everyone is blame-shifting these days.

“Habitual blamers continually look outside of themselves for the solutions to their problems,” says Nicholas J. Gabriel in his book, The Road to Lasting Success. “They blame their parents, or their teachers, or their neighbours and friends, or their spouse or boss for their current situation. Or, if they do find any fault with themselves it’s always something external. They are too fat or too skinny, or too tall or too short, or too heavy or too light, or their hair isn’t right, or something. It’s everything and anything BUT their attitude, their choices and themselves.”

Women like Patricia keep running, blaming and changing the external aspects of their lives… like boyfriends. Sometimes, they find something or someone that provides temporary happiness, and they come to believe that they have found the answer.

“Unfortunately, what usually happens is that they reach a point where they notice that something is still missing,” continues Gabriel. “They just aren’t as happy or as satisfied as they expected to be. So once again, they look at the external rather than internal aspects of their lives and the pattern repeats itself. For some people this pattern repeats for the rest of their lives.”

Accepting responsibility for your failures is the first step towards positive change. If you can’t do it all at once, don’t try to. Take it one small step at a time, from why the fridge has no milk (because you haven’t bought some more), to why your career is at a standstill (because you have not hit your goals).

Some things really are others’ fault. But for everything else, it’s usually you.

Six steps to blaming less

Carole Nicolaides, a Certified Professional Coach and President of Progressive Leadership, Inc recommends these six actions points to becoming more responsible for yourself:

Be aware.

Too often we fail to notice that we are playing the blame game. It’s a natural defence mechanism. Paying attention to how we respond when questioned about our actions or performance is the first step in taking responsibility.

Respond responsibly.

Just as blaming is a defensive move, so is reacting. But rather than react, we should respond. While we might want to react immediately with a burst of anger, stop and consider the choices. We have a choice of reacting impulsively or responding cautiously to the situation. What will your choice be?

Be honest.

Some people simply like to place blame in order to be relieved of responsibility. That shows a huge lack of self-honesty. Lying to yourself only makes the problem worse… not better.

Don’t burn bridges.

What happens to relationships when you place blame? You are unlikely to earn forgiveness. You are more likely to alienate yourself from your co-workers, peers and friends by pointing fingers. Not only will you ruin relationships, but you will also lose the trust of the people whom you work with.

Be a good role model.

When others see you accepting responsibility for your actions — and when they see the extraordinary results you are getting — you make the statement that blame-placing is not acceptable behaviour. By doing so, you help promote an atmosphere of harmony and integrity.

Have a positive and grateful attitude.

If you are grateful for all the things that happen in your life (good and bad) you simply cannot hold angry feelings toward others, or place blame where it does not belong.

Women are more intuitive than men



Surprise, surprise -- Men talk more than women!

Entire books have been written on the subject. Songs have been sung about it. Movies have been made around it. But in truth, there is no such thing as “Women’s Intuition”. Sorry.

Scientific studies dispelled the myth that women are more intuitive than men ages ago. However, some research does suggest that women pay more attention to detail than men do. Anthropologist Ashley Montagu says that women are more sensitive to colour discrimination — where a woman would say “ebony”, a man would simply say “black”. It’s this attention to detail that makes it seem like women have more intuitive sense than men, because they notice the subtler signals in a situation that men usually miss. But mind-reading? Puh-leese.
2.    Women are talkers; men are listeners
Surprise, surprise: men have the bigger mouths, after all!

Studies have repeatedly shown that men talk more than women do in virtually any given situation (except arguments, perhaps), from as far back as 1951. In the most recent study by the linguist Marjorie Swacker, three pictures by Albrecht Durer were presented to men and women separately. They were then asked to describe the pictures, and were timed — the idea was that whoever took longer were obviously the more elaborate talkers. The scientists bet on the women talking longer; the gamblers bet on the men. But the results caught everyone by surprise.

Women took an average of 3.17 minutes for their descriptions. The men took an unbelievable 13.00 minutes.




Men blame themselves more than women do

He didn’t get the promotion he was counting on, and he’s really down in the dumps. You see the signs of his impending breakdown draw around him. You know those signs; you’ve had them before. Right now, he’s just disappointed. But soon, he’s going to be beating himself up with bitter regret and thoughts of, “I could have done it if only I….” And then, outright anger will set in. It’s an implosion in slow motion.

Fast talking baby girl.

Except that the breakdown never happens. Wonder of wonders, in a couple of days, he’s back on his feet and as cheery as a canary on a sunny Sunday.

The fact is that women are much harder on themselves than men are. They assume responsibility when things go wrong, even if there was no way they could be to blame. Need proof? Well, ask yourself this: why do women use apologetic phrases more than men like “I’m sorry” and “Excuse me” so much?

 

Men give more detailed explanations

Remember #2 in this list? Well, although men do tend to talk a whole lot more than women, they don’t necessarily say much more. Women still offer much more detail about an incident or their day at work than men, which is an odd contradiction when you stop to think about it — where does all his breath go?

Although men can give more detailed explanations about something, they often choose not to, preferring to be efficient in their communication rather than exhaustive. Women, on the other hand, give you the gory details anyway… whether you want to hear them or not.




Men don’t touch others as much as women do

Wrong again. It seems that men are touchy, feely people, too.

Research has proven that men are more likely to touch people than women, whether male or female. When in male company, it’s by backslapping or handshaking. When in female company, it’s by doing gentlemanly acts like helping women in and out of cars or leading them through a doorway. Nancy Henley, professor of psychology at the University of California, found that men touched women four times more often than women touched men, believe it or not. However, it’s important that women do not interpret these touches as sexual advances, especially if it’s on her back or shoulders. We said ‘gentlemanly’; not ‘sexually’!

Men don’t listen as well as women

You pour your heart out to him, and his face remains impassive. He shows no signs of listening to you, let alone understanding anything you’re saying. Why is he ignoring you?

Well, he’s not. It’s just that men look less attentive than women when being spoken to. Sally McConnell-Ginett, a researcher at Cornell University, found that women are more inclined to say “um-hum” than men when listening to another person. Men, on the other hand, are as cool as cucumbers, and prefer to remain blank and expressionless. Why? So they don’t lead the speaker into thinking that they either agree or disagree with what they’re saying!

Men are less emotional when they speak

Real men can cry now.

Rubbish. The only reason it seems that way is because men express their emotions differently from women. It’s all a question of style.

Paul Ekman from UCLA found that whilst women typically have five different tones in their speech, men only have three. That’s why women appear to be more emotional than men — those peaks and valleys in their speech really dramatise things… even when they’re saying the same thing as the men!

Also, women’s speech is much more animated and their body language more distinct, making them more interesting and engaging. Add to that the fact that women are more likely to cry or have a quaver in their voice when talking about something bad, and it’s no wonder you think men are such cold creeps.

Men ask more questions than women do

Nope. Surely you’ve realized by now that virtually all men are Mr. Know-it-Alls. So, if they know everything, why should they ask questions?

If there is one general assumption about men that is correct, it is that men really are egotistical creatures. Asking questions mean that they’re not in the know about something, which would be utterly devastating to their self-esteem. Therefore, they remain silently ignorant… unless they’re pretty sure no one around them has the answer anyway. That’s why male scientists don’t mind asking questions about the origins of the universe, but refuse to call up their mothers for the family’s chicken stew recipe.

Men are equally anxious to talk about safe sex and STDs

I hate to disappoint you, but although men may be concerned about safe sex and STDs, they are much less likely to bring up the subject. In her book He Says, She Says professor Lillian Glass says that 70-percent of women (compared to 30-percent of men) were the first to bring up a problem… including such topics as birth control and HIV tests.

Although men are as aware as you about the dangers of unprotected sex and STDs, they are also more embarrassed when it comes to talking about it. They think that women ought to take care of intimate matters of their relationship like these serious subjects, and will wait for them to bring them up before offering any ideas of their own.

Men laugh at the same things women do

A man’s idea of a good laugh.

Whatever gave women the idea that men find gynaecological jokes funny, I don’t know. Men are men, for crying out loud — which part of that sentence do you not get?

Research shows that whereas women’s jokes tend to be more focused on word play and puns, men’s jokes are more sarcastic and abrasive than women’s, and far more aggressive. When it comes to laughter, men and women do not see eye-to-eye. So leave your penile dysfunction gags and your soiled pad anecdotes for your girlfriends, please.

Caught in the middle of love and friendship.

When Jamie (not the one who works here at Chicktimes.com!) was sixteen, she was the only one without a boyfriend in her clique. Whenever they group-dated, she was always the odd one out. So when her friends suggested that they try to hook her up with someone, she readily agreed.

Unfortunately, the bloke they found her for their next group date turned out to be a complete jerk. His name was Chris, and he was the kind of guy who is great to know as long as he was not talking about you. He spotted every flaw about you, and delighted in joking about it for the benefit of everyone else. Everyone thought Chris was powerfully observant and wonderfully perceptive. Everyone, that is, but Jamie.

In the end, Jamie did leave her clique. She drifted among other cliques in school for a while, but gladly, the rush of preparing for her final year distracted her so much she did not feel lonely at all. By the time her exams were over, she hardly thought about the friends she’d left behind.

“Within an hour of us meeting, Chris had already commented on my pimples, my broad forehead and my skinny ankles,” recalls Jamie. “I mean, how is anyone supposed to like a guy like that?”

So although her other friends all liked Chris, Jamie hated him. He had bad body odour, picked his nose, was impolite in the company of girls and was generally so tactless that she felt she would cry. She wanted out. But Jamie’s so-called ‘boyfriend’ was very influential in their group. The old clique had evolved into one with new rules and new players. Everyone had a boyfriend, and the boyfriends generally called the shots — which movies to watch, which McDonald’s to sit in, which mall to hang out at.

The only way Jamie could dump Chris was if she dumped all her friends, too.

Single… and loving it

“Maybe it’s because I never truly appreciated them,” says Jamie, now a tax accountant. She had only known them a couple of years (she was transferred to the school from out of town), so it’s not like they were lifelong friends anyway. She has long since forgotten about what happened, although she still has ‘Chrisaphopia’: a terrible fear of anyone that speaks, acts or looks like the Chris she had to date back then.

Ironically, all of Jamie’s friends broke-up with their boyfriends eventually (they were only sixteen, after all). It seems a shame that their friendship had to come to end so easily. Not so with Farah, a 25-year-old website designer, who fought tooth and nail to have her cake and eat it too. Whereas Jamie had to choose between her friends and a love affair she could do without, Farah faced the conundrum of deciding between the man of her dreams and her best-friend of fifteen years — not an easy decision to make.

“A lifetime friend is exponentially more valuable than a temporary lover,” says Michelle Casto, a WholeLife Coach and author of the GetSmart! (www.getsmartseries.com) series of books. “Friendship in its truest essence can touch our souls in a way that is pure and uncomplicated.”

But Jeremy, whom Farah was dating and was even considering marrying, was no jackstraw. He was good-looking, successful and very kind. She was deeply in love with him, and thought him perfect in every way. But her best-friend Nicole did not think him right for her and said so. At first, Farah merely laughed off her disapproval. But then Nicole did the unthinkable: she put their lifelong friendship on the line and asked Farah to choose — handsome lover or lifelong friend?

Farah was understandably distraught. She didn’t want to lose either person in her life, and faced with such a decision, she very nearly succumbed to a bout of depression. “I kept putting off talking about marriage with Jeremy because I kept hoping Nicole would lighten up,” says Farah. “But how long could I do that for?”

Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, philosophises over this common conflict among friends, saying that “love is found in our hearts, not in our heads.”

“We should not judge a book by its cover, and we should not judge our love interests by our friends.”

Nicole thought that Jeremy was only trying to marry Farah because of her family’s social status (she is the daughter of a very successful trading tycoon). She didn’t think he really loved her. But as Mr Wano says: “They say love is blind, and that should be a good thing. You should appreciate your friend’s opinions and concerns, but remember that it is your heart that you ultimately have to please.”

The better of two besties

No one should have to choose between two such beautiful things in life: friends or lovers. But Bill Cottringer, author ofYou Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too, suggests that you not be too quick to dismiss your friends’ advice.

“Always keep an open mind that they may be right, and ask for helpful details,” writes Cottringer in his book. “If they are mistaken, tell them in practical, detailed terms why they may be wrong. Always be appreciative of their concern as it is probably well-intended.”

Farah spent many sleepless nights turning over the two most important relationships in her life in her mind. On one hand, Nicole had always been there for her, through thick and thin. But Jeremy sent tingles down her spine, and her heart filled fit to burst whenever she thought of him. He was not pressuring her into saying Yes or No, patiently waiting for her to make up her mind. But she hadn’t spoken to him about her problem. He didn’t know that she wanted to say Yes with all her heart if not for Nicole’s ultimatum.

“I’d known Nicole all my life. It was not as if I could just forget fifteen years of friendship overnight,” Farah says.

In the end, Farah did marry Jeremy and, true to her word, Nicole never called her again. It seems comically juvenile when you stop and think about it. But Farah does not like looking into the past, and tears spring to her eyes whenever she thinks about Nicole and the friendship they shared over the years. Few friendships last through adolescence; fewer still last through adulthood. Farah is painfully reminded of the price she paid to be with her husband every time she sees another pair of girls giggling in hushed whispers in ladies’ lavatories or changing rooms, but she knows she made the right decision.

When it comes to love, you should let your heart be the storyteller and your mind be the stage, according to Mr Wano.

“Take in everything around you, from what you see in a potential love interest and what you hear from your friends,” he says. “Now close your eyes and open your heart — once you feel that a person is right or wrong for you, your head can make an informed decision.”