1. 

   Screw him.

   Have pity on him

   Yes, I know it’s hard to pretend that you dumped him. But a spot of positive affirmation can put things in a surprisingly comfortable perspective. Start talking to people about how you were dating him because he was on the rebound — i.e., you took pity on him — but that he has some ‘issues’ that he has not yet sorted out.
   Your quote: “I do hope he sorts his problems out, because he’s in a real mess, you know? The poor guy!”




2. Become an enigma

   It would be easy to hit the club circuit and let everyone know that you’re single and available again, and that you’re actively seeking some companionship. Perish the thought. Instead, become an enigma, an unsolved riddle — no one knows whether you’re still with him or not, and even if they do, it won’t matter because you’re not acting desperate. Your dignity remains intact and, better yet, mysterious women always get the better scores anyway.
   Your quote: “Now, when was the last time I saw him…? You know, I just can’t remember. Why do you ask?

3. How to Give an Acrylic Nail French Manicure.

   Buff up your nails

   Sometimes, the best therapy is TO simply pampering yourself with some unnecessary indulgence which reminds you who the most special person in the world is: You. A manicure is good, but a pedicure thrown in is even better.
   Your quote: “Oh, him? I don’t know really. I’m just thinking about my nail-job right now — aren’t they lovely?”

4. Go public

   Talking about your pain is often the easiest way to get rid of it, which is why we love chatting on the phone so much. But what makes this form of psychotherapy even more effective is going public with it… and showing the world how you have moved on since the break-up. Think radio, TV or even writing to this mag. Guess who’ll be watching and fuming as you turn him into an irrelevant statistic, a number, a faceless man now part of your history?
   Your quote: “What I learned from going out with so-and-so is that your best friend always trumps your boyfriend.”

5. Check his friends out

   Nothing gets to a man’s ego more than women who are cool enough to still be friends with his mates even after he’s broken up with you. They find such maturity humiliating. Stay in touch with his buddies, and perhaps even have a few one-on-ones with the nicer guys to keep his mind busy and yourself happy. Who knows — maybe you had the right bunch of blokes but nailed the wrong knucklehead to begin with?
   Your quote: “Oh, yeah we’re through. But what are we talking about him for? Let’s talk about you.”

6. Accessorise!

   

   Accessories, accessories, accessories.

   True, nice jewellery costs money… money probably better spent on manicures and clothes. But cheap jewellery never hurt anyone, especially if you can afford to just use it once and throw it away. Besides, what would your next man buy you if you already had a pair of diamond-everythings?
   Your quote: “This pendant here kind of reminds me of him — see how it looks so nice? But under the surface, you know it’s cheap.”

7. Have a milk bath

   This might not be easy if you don’t have a bathtub of your own, but you can check out some simple spa centres that cater to women for special occasions — marriages and such — and they’ll do everything for you… including sponging you down! Now, could he ever make you feel so good? To do it yourself, pop into the nearest Body Shop.
   Your quote: “I do believe I’ve found the perfect substitute for a man’s embrace… and it’s much cheaper, too!”

8. Forget his number

   One of the biggest mistakes you can ever make is get in touch with him. How is he supposed to think you’re over him if you keep sending him SMSes at midnight? So, the first thing you should do if you’re set on making him history is delete his number from your mobile phone — you’ll forget it in no time.
   Your quote: “Now, where did I put his number…?”




9. Vacate your home

   Okay, so like the song says, everything reminds you of him. Your front door, where he once snogged you on the way out. The couch, where you spent so many nights watching movies and (ugh!) football. What to do? Go on a holiday, preferably a permanent one — leave your home, and come back when you’ve got him out of your system. Everything will seem neutral again, and you can get on with your life.
   Your quote: “Great! Now I can get away and not have to worry about who’s staying up for me.”

10. Go shopping

    Some things are best bought after break-ups. Like lingerie. And Little Black Dresses. And fishnet stockings, along with high-heels that show your toes. You know, the sort of stuff you wouldn’t feel comfortable getting if he was still with you. Well, now’s your chance!
    Your quote: “This bra, that dress, those earrings — smashing! It’s a pity he won’t see me.”

    
    
    

    Shopping with Kate Moennig.

11. Borrow a pet

    If there’s one thing that takes the blues away, it’s a pet that needs to be loved. Cat, dog, bird, iguana — it doesn’t matter. As long as it makes you feel better. The best part about them is that they never comment on the cellulite around your thighs. Just make sure you give it back when you’re done.
    Your quote: “You’re a lovey puppy, aren’t you? Yes, you’re a real cutie-pie, a cutie-sweetie, cutie-pie….”

12. Get awarded

    If you’ve never won anything in your life, now’s the time to do so. Winning recognition gives such a boost of confidence, it makes everything else in your life seem insignificant in comparison, ex-boyfriends included. Being crowned Pop Idol would be great. Otherwise, think karaoke contests, writing competitions or bagging the Best Dressed at the club.
    Your quote: “I really wasn’t expecting this. I’d like to thank the organisers, my Mum, Dad, the bartender, my pet snake, the waiter… (anyone except him).”

13. Revive your career

    Another well-tested and positive method of shaking a man out of your hair is diving into your career and setting some new goals for yourself… goals that don’t include him. You could change jobs, or do like the celebrities and simply start your own business — now, what would he say about that.
    Your quote: “I’m feeling really good about this decision, and am confident about pulling it off on my own.”

14. Party, party, party!

    No, we don’t mean hitting the club circuit, which would be in violation of #2 on this list. But throwing a private party — and not inviting him — will definitely charge you up. Better yet, have a girlie makeover party where everyone gets to look and act like movie stars. Hire make-up artists and photographers to make it real good. Send out invitations online!
    Your quote: “This party I’m throwing is going to be the best ever. No men allowed — parties are always better without them around, anyway.”

15. “Dear John…”

    Writing a letter is widely considered one of the best therapies around for sorting things out in your head. It works by putting all your problems onto paper for someone else, reading it over yourself, and realising that they’re not that big a deal after all. The trick is to not send it to him. It’s strictly For Your Eyes Only.
    Your quote: “Having read over what I’ve just written, I realise how lucky I am that it’s over between us.”

16. Watch action movies

    There is something about movies which star guys like Vin Diesel or The Rock that is so mind-numbingly stupid, you cannot help but forget about yourself for a while. The dialogue’s horrible, the plot’s pathetic and the acting is dumb. But it doesn’t make you cry, and all that violence gives you the chance to reflect on why being a woman is so wonderfully simple.
    Your quote: “I can’t believe I was dating someone that likes watching this kind of thing. It’s so stupid!”

17. Be a man

    Well, no, not really. But if you’ve been missing his handy hands around the house, then you really should learn to start doing stuff yourself — changing a lightbulb, putting up pictures, fixing a leaky tap. Take up a short D.I.Y. course, or, better yet, get a friend of his to teach you!
    Your quote: “I didn’t realise this was so easy. Why I ever needed a man to change a faucet washer for me, I don’t know.”

18. Get a facial

    Crying really takes its toll on your eyes, leaving them all puffy and horrid-looking. Getting a facial not only makes you look better, but helps you feel better, too. If you can’t afford to go to a professional for it, do it yourself!
    Your quote: “Don’t you think I look better ever since I left him?”

    
    
    

    Egg Mask Facial.

19. Do jigsaw puzzles

    Another very absorbing type of alone-time play is working on puzzles — 500 pieces, minimum. They require hours of concentration, and really do take your mind off everything else happening in your life. Best of all, when they’re completed you can frame them and hang them up where your old pictures of him used to be.
    Your quote: “I’ll hang this one of Big Ben right there at the stairs, and throw that old photo of him at Grand Station out.”

20. Box him up

    Sending gifts back to ex-boyfriends is an old-fashioned way of cutting off the last ties with them. It shows bitterness, and that’s not what you’re aiming for. Instead, gather everything he ever gave you — clothes, cards, earrings, movie ticket stubs, mugs — and put them all in a box. Don’t leave anything out. Then, seal it up and chuck into a back room where you’ll forget about it.
    Your quote: “I know I kept his stuff — for the memories, you know? — but for the life of me, I can’t remember where I put it!”

21. Get a medical

    This may seem odd, but a sure-fire way of convincing yourself that he has not killed you by breaking your heart is to get a full medical check-up. If everything is good to go, then you know that you’re alright!
    Your quote: “I’m doing great. My doctor says so.”

22. Learn a musical instrument

    

    It's easy to learn how to play the guitar.

    Picking up an easy-to-learn musical instrument is an excellent way of giving yourself something to do with all the extra time you now have on your hands. Experts recommend the guitar or harmonica, since they’re cheap and portable. The best part is that you’ll need a musician to tutor you — see if you can get someone cute from the local live music bar.
    Your quote: “I’m learning to play all my favourite songs for my next boyfriend.”

23. Kick him out

    … of your system, that is. If you’ve got a lot of pent-up aggression you need to release, consider signing up for a martial-arts fitness regime like Kickboxing Dance classes or Masala Aerobics. You’ll be sweating him out from under your skin, and toning up that flab at the same time.
    Your quote: “If he were here, I’d show him how I really feel about our break-up.”

24. Meet his mother

    If you really want to irritate the hell out of him, take his mum out to a high-tea buffet. Mothers have a surprising propensity for recalling the most embarrassing moments in the children’s lives, and are usually more than pleased to have someone to talk about them to. At the end of it all, you’ll likely be laughing over him instead of crying!
    Your quote: “Really? He did that? (Laugh) Oh my God, he never told me!”

25. Don’t regret anything

    The cardinal rule of all break-ups is to live and let live. Move on with your life, and don’t mull over the months or years that you think you wasted in the relationship. No relationship is a waste of time, because every experience helps make us better people.
    Your quote: “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Boxer or Poser?

You see them all the time: women on treadmills, stationary bicycles and air gliders who never seem to break a sweat when they exercise. Well, here’s their secret revealed: they don’t. Meet the Great Workout Pretenders.

Pay a visit to Celebrity Fitness in Bangsar Village after 6pm on any Friday, and chances are you’ll get to meet Rebecca*: a 29-year-old sales executive who is also an avid fitness enthusiast. Rebecca knows all the rules of exercise — what to do and for how long, when to do it, warming up and cooling down. She knows how to calculate the optimum weight that you should use on the gym equipment based on your Body Mass Index. She even knows all the correct names for all the different types of machines they have there: stairclimbers, air gliders, stepmills and the dreaded thighmaster.

Rebecca is no personal trainer, nor even a gym instructor. She can’t run for anything longer than five minutes, the cellulite on her thighs is appalling and she has a hard time just carrying her (admittedly, very well-equipped) gym bag to and from her car. In fact, the fitness knowledge she possesses is about all she has to show for her weekly gym sessions. She is a by-product of today’s trendiest lifestyle pastime — exercising — and is a part of a growing fraternity of fitness glamour seekers, the exercise frauds, the Great Workout Pretenders.

Exercise Expert

“I’m not the only one, you know?” Rebecca defends herself haughtily. “If you think that everyone who goes to a gym regularly actually gets a proper workout, you’re wrong.”

No, Rebecca’s motive for visiting the gym is far simpler: popularity.

“I work in a cosmetics company, where all the girls look pretty good,” Rebecca says. “They workout quite a bit — jogging, swimming, cycling, stuff like that. I just didn’t want to be left out.”

It all started when one of the girls in the office met a bicycle-mad guy who went on long bike rides every weekend. She started dating him pretty seriously, and before long the two were an item. There was nothing to it but for her to get her own bike so she could go with him on his excursions. Not that she minded, of course: now she could brag about all the exercise she was getting to her office mates.

Soon, all the other girls were taking up some sort of fitness interest — aerobics, gym workouts, swimming. Rebecca was one of those who signed up for a gym membership, determined to not be left out of the fitness craze that was sweeping through her office.

Sadly, the exercise bit turned out to be a little tough for her. But that’s okay, because she’s figured out how to stay lazy and be with the ‘in’ crowd at the same time: become a textbook-expert. Now, Rebecca can give anyone a lecture about proper posture when lifting weights or just how much you should stretch your sartorius (that’s your thigh muscle). How could anyone suspect that her exercise routine consists of little more than walking around and chatting with other gym members?

Social Star

According to Irene Nazira Lee, a FISAF National Training Provider and Reebok & Fitball Master Trainer, the ‘glamour’ of working out in a big, trendy fitness centre came about due to the high cost of club membership.

“There are now so many fitness centres in the city that membership rates have become more competitive and the younger crowd is able to afford their fees,” explains Nazira. “With the commercialisation of franchise establishments and workout programs come strong marketing strategies to sell more — fitness has evolved into a fashionable ‘trend’, and being seen in such a centre means you are ‘trendy’ and ‘in tune’ with the times.”

People like Rebecca are not strange at all to Nazira Lee.

“They exist in the majority of gyms,” she says. “They get onto the machines and usually manage to find someone to engage in idle talk with. Or, they workout quietly while checking out the crowd. Workout intensity usually depends on who’s watching. Sometimes they do put in some effort so it may be unfair to say they do not really workout at all.”

There’s obviously more to being a Workout Pretender than fame. Rebecca says that gyms are hotbeds teeming with eligible bachelors who are (most of the time) healthy, often wealthy and always interested. Some are Workout Pretenders like her, some are plain ol’ Gym Creeps, but many are The Real Thing… and they look good.

“I call it my little hobby — watching guys in tights sweat it out,” giggles Rebecca. “I’ve got a couple of dates from my gym outings, but nothing that has ever evolved into something more serious. I’m hoping it will one day, though!”

Nazira Lee says that having friends is a great motivating factor for exercising, as it can be quite intimidating — not to mention lonely — to work out in a gym where you do not know anyone.

“Some people have access to gyms within their residential premises, but they still join these trendy centres for the social activity,” says Nazira Lee. “Parents would generally prefer that their children spend time in a fitness centre than night clubs; some corporate sales persons may see the fitness centre as a good place to meet potential clients or to network with other professionals. If I had to hang out anywhere or kill time, I would rather do it at a fitness centre… even if it meant spending just fifteen minutes walking on a treadmill!”

Of course, women like Rebecca are looking for neither business nor exercise. But they still come away feeling rejuvenated, especially if the fitness centre has all the frills: saunas, spas and steam baths.

“Many centres offer additional facilities like these where the holistic wellbeing of a person is addressed,” continues Nazira Lee. “It is obvious that the therapeutic effect of being in a fitness centre addresses not just the physiological but also the psychological aspect of keeping fit and healthy.”

Fools rush in

But whilst some people fool others knowingly, others fool themselves unknowingly. They’re convinced that they are getting the workout they need, even if their foreheads just barely perspire. Rebecca knows of one such woman at her ex-workplace: a plump administrative clerk who claimed to exercise every morning.

“She was, you know, podgy,” Rebecca says guiltily. “We just could not understand it. When she announced that she had started swimming to lose some weight, we all applauded her. But the months went by, and we just didn’t see any improvement at all. If anything, she was getting heavier.”

No weight problem here.

Rebecca and her colleagues could hardly ask her why she wasn’t losing weight, so a couple of girls dropped by her condominium one evening for a visit. They went to the pool, said hello, and observed their friend’s ‘exercise’: she hung about in a corner of the pool the whole while, drinking in the sunset, looking around her and occasionally flapping her arms in the water. Her leisurely dip ended after about half an hour — there was no fat-burning going on so far as Rebecca could see.

“All that time lazing about in the water would give anyone a healthy appetite,” reflects Rebecca.

Nazira says that with folk like Rebecca’s ex-colleague, sometimes even the act of getting yourself into exercise mode is enough to make you think you deserve a trophy.

“Usually, it is an accomplishment just to get yourself into a gym — they probably think it is already an achievement to be there. Sometimes, the gym is their sanctuary from their home or office, or an escape from daily stress such as traffic jams, house chores, or being home alone.”

For Rebecca’s friend, the swimming pool was a sanctuary from herself and her weight problem. But that wasn’t helping her solve her problem, although she probably felt a lot better about herself. Whatever your definition of a good workout — twenty minutes on a Stairclimber, a five kilometre jog, thirty laps in the pool — just remember that fools and their money are easily parted, and pretenders never stay fit.

Now, where are those Nike’s I bought last year?

The Top 10 Ways to Get and Stay Fit

Kathleen A. Clancy, M.Ed., a certified Lifestyle and Weight Management Consultant suggests these ten ways to getting fit… for real.

Choose a Body.



Going too far, perhaps?

The body you live in is largely a matter of choice. Look at yourself — you chose this body. Choose to accept it or choose to change it.

Run a Marathon.

Take part in things like the community marathons or bike tours, though not as a serious contestant. There is always a demand for volunteers at water stops, start and finish lines and everywhere in between.

Join ‘Em.

Take a look at what other people in your circle do for activities. Maybe your friend plays tennis. Why not get out there and play with her? Does your partner bowl?

Flip Flop.

Meaning, your metabolism. Many people do their exercise in the morning and tend to consume more calories in the evening. The problem is that your metabolism gets progressively more sluggish as you head into the end of the day. Take advantage of this natural tendency by having a solid breakfast and saving the situps for after dinner.

Doctor’s Orders.



Ahem! The doctor is waiting....

Fitness is about taking care of yourself. Start with a general check up — you may get some much-needed motivation. If you do pursue fitness after that appointment, you might actually look forward to going back for a follow-up.

Hang out with Fitties.

Take a good look at your unfit friend, the one who snacks, the one who smokes, the one who drinks too much. Now, ask if he/she will join you in making a lifestyle change. If your offer gets a flat reception, it may be time to take a closer look at the friendship. If it doesn’t irritate you too much, spend more time with a friend or co-worker who always looks great, eats healthy and exercises.

Clean It Like You Mean It.

There are definitely days when you will not get exercise. On these days, take a mundane chore such as laundry and do it with gusto. Go for the new speed record in toilet scrubbing. It lacks glory… but you get some exercise and your work is done more quickly and probably more thoroughly.

Dress the Part.



How not to dress at the Gym.

If you join a gym or take up walking don’t show up in a giant t-shirt, paint-spattered sweats and your hand-me-down sneakers. Show up clean, in comfortable, new exercise garb. Save these clothes only for exercise. They are your exercise uniform. If you look like a person who exercises, you will feel like a person who exercises.

Take Charge.

If you become responsible for other people’s exercise, then you’re more likely to show up yourself. Get a couple of friends together and start a walking club. Better yet, get certified to teach a fitness class and you can even get paid to exercise!

Change with the Seasons.

Your routine usually falls apart come the monsoon season, right after Christmas, the end of the semester, whenever. Your life begs for a change sometimes — let it happen! Plan to drop your exercise routine and change your diet when these changes are due. Just when you are starting to run out of steam, you can take comfort in the fact that you are halfway through. This applies to gym memberships, too — no deal is good if you’re not going to use it. Sign up for no more than three months at a time.

Demons are everywhere, but most of all, they're inside your head.

He’s naked. You’re naked. The lights are out. A scented candle burns softly in a corner of the room. The curtains are drawn, but the windows are open. Stevie Wonder’s My Cherie Amour drifts up from downstairs. He moves closer to you, and you open your arms to engulf him in your embrace. You are completely alone….

(Whispered): No, you’re not.

Uh-oh. Looks like your twosome just became a threesome. A third, imaginary presence is in the room, and now you’re more frigid than a block of ice. The Bedroom Demon strikes again.

It could be your mother or your ex-boyfriend or even your partner’s ex-girlfriend, but that Demon haunts your most intimate moments with your boyfriend, putting you out of sorts and him in confusion. Your sex life is being strangled by a figment of your imagination, and you swing between queen dominatrix to virginal kitten every time it makes an appearance. You struggle to maintain focus, but your self-esteem is battered by the things these demons say: “Good girls don’t do that,” says Mom. “You know I’m better than him at this, right?” growls your ex-boyfriend. And, worst of all, the throaty snigger of the busty bombshell your partner dumped to be with you: “You call that sexy?”

Sometimes they leave you alone and you don’t hear from them for weeks. But just when you think they’re gone for good, they return to taunt, to tease and to befuddle you, making you feel inadequate and insecure. Your partner senses something is up, but how are you to tell him? No, you have to fight your own Bedroom Demons… and the sooner the better.

When Mother comes to visit

If your Mom is anything like mine, you can probably still hear some of the things she told you (read: nagged you) when you were young, in exactly the same tone of voice that she’s always said them in. Such gems as “All men are the same” and “Good girls sit with their legs closed” come to mind. But having that voice in your head when you’re trying to have a game of bedroom Blind Man’s Bluff is not only distracting, but downright annoying.

“My Mom has never hesitated to warn me about men,” says Jennifer, a 23-year-old receptionist. “My first boyfriend and I were not allowed to be alone, even for a minute. When he was over for lunch, we were chaperoned to the kitchen!” she recalls.

Jennifer was fifteen then. But even after she turned eighteen and could go out with her other boyfriends, she still got the feeling that she wasn’t alone with them. A pair seemed to follow her wherever she was, and she just couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. So effective were her Mom’s litanies that Jennifer sometimes still sees her disapproving glare hovering before her eyes when she snuggles up close to her boyfriend in bed.

“I heard her saying, ‘Do you know how many women has he slept with, Jenn?’” says Jennifer. “It’s so disturbing to hear that when you’re next to the man you love.”

The trouble with bedroom demons is that you cannot just walk up to them and tell them to leave you alone. Jennifer could hardly blame her Mom for intruding upon her midnight escapades, because she wasn’t really there! Her demon was in her mind, and it was at the root of all her inhibitions.

Jennifer never really shook her Mom out of her head until last year, when she went through her seventh break-up: none of her boyfriends could understand what she went through whenever they tried to get intimate. She just could not relax, and this made them feel insecure.

“My father was unfaithful to my Mom, and they divorced when I was ten,” says Jennifer. “I guess she was just trying to protect me — I just wished she hadn’t tried so hard!”

But even supposing you do have the uncommon good fortune of being blessed with an ultra-modern, ultra-cool Mom with liberated views on sexuality and love, you still won’t be able to avoid the most dreaded demon of all: his ex-girlfriend.

When his ex-girlfriend drops in

Being a woman herself, Esther, 27, feels threatened by other good-looking women… especially if they’ve shared the bed of her partner before. Normally, we learn about our boyfriends’ past liaisons in bits and pieces, over the course of several years. But what happens when you find out about every woman he’s ever loved, and are shown pictures of them, too?

Unlike us, men are not prone to keeping photos of past girlfriends, preferring to throw them out along with the rest of their stuff. But Esther was unlucky and, admittedly, a little stupid. She stumbled across a family photo album in Ricky’s parents’ house. Curiosity got the better of her, and she forced him to walk her through every picture… including the ones in which his arms were romantically draped across the shoulders of different girls at different times in his life. And then the worst possible thing happened: they bumped into his last girlfriend at the mall.

“Ricky’s girlfriends have always been very pretty and very sexy,” says Esther guardedly.

Next thing she knew, whenever they went to bed together, ghostly images of those ex-girlfriends began playing on her mind. She started comparing herself to them, and suddenly her breasts seemed too small and her hair too limp. She couldn’t concentrate and was losing her sexual esteem. Horribly, the act itself began to seem forced.

“I knew it was silly,” says Esther. “They are part of his past, just like my ex-boyfriends are part of my past. But after meeting Kimberly, I couldn’t help but feel so unattractive and inadequate. I kept thinking about how she had made love to him, how she had drove him wild. I had visions of them in bed together, and Ricky going mad with lust. How was I supposed to feel good about myself?”

It took some weeks before Kimberly faded away and stopped dropping by uninvited into Esther’s bedroom. But during that time, Esther subjected Ricky to non-top interrogation about her breast size, hips, bodily hair and acrobatic ability. He didn’t understand what was going on, but patiently reassured her that she was beautiful beyond words every time.

“He was very nice about it, although I bet he must have been confused,” says Esther.

Facing bedroom demons which are not even rightly your own is tough because you don’t know them. But it can be done, with a lot of love and time.

“I can’t even remember what Kimberly looks like anymore,” says Esther. “At least when she comes visiting now, I only see a hazy image and dull voice. I just keep reminding myself that although she is Ricky’s past, I’m his present. And that makes me the special one.”

When your ex-boyfriend swings by

As good as our ex-boyfriends may have been in bed, having them in your head when you’re trying to get down and dirty with someone new is downright unnerving, particularly when what they’re saying is true.

If your ex looks like Mr. Depp, you'd be forgiven for still having wet dreams about him anyway.

“My ex was a real pest and I have no regrets about leaving him,” says Christine, 25. “But he was sooo good in bed. He never disappointed.” Six months later, Christine still has the occasional wet dream over him, which is nice. What isn’t nice is the fact that he also comments on the sexual performance of her new partner almost every time she’s between the sheets with him.

Christine says she used to hear her ex whisper about everything from her boyfriend’s stamina to his clumsy orgasm. Things got better the more she talked to him about what it is she wanted, but she’s never been blown away the way she was with her ex.

“I’ll admit that Greg (her new boyfriend) cannot do the things that my ex could,” continues Christine. “This demon seems to know it. Every time I’m not satisfied with something Greg is doing, I think of my ex. It’s so upsetting, and worst of all, I cannot talk to Greg about it.”

Christine has battled her ex-boyfriend’s demon the only way she knows how: by focusing all her energies into making the sex with her current partner better. But it’s an uphill fight, because they’re so different. Her ex was an adventurous experimenter, whilst her present partner is a lot more reserved.

“My ex had a way with my body that I doubt I’ll ever experience with another man again,” says Christine, rather sadly. “But I feel an emotional connection with my current partner that wasn’t there with my ex. I think that makes it right, even if it’s not earth-shattering.”

Demon busters

Talk dirty to me baby, yeah.

Excellent remedies for getting rid of your bedroom demons include:

1. Dirty talk — if you keep up the sexy conversation with your partner, constantly encouraging him to do this, that or the other (and vice versa), your bedroom demon will not have the opportunity to interject with his/her own words of wisdom.
2. Loud music — Jennifer swears by Guns ‘n’ Roses, but you probably have your own favourite band that can help drown out that voice in your head. Blast it loud and clear, so much so you have to raise your voice to be heard (which is kind of empowering in itself, considering the language you’ll be using). Our recommendations? Think Metallica, Matchbox 20 and Linkin Park.
3. Getting drunk — okay, maybe not, since this will also pretty much drown out any other sensation you’re supposed to feel.
4. Counting sheep — the age-old method for inducing sleep also blocks out unwanted voices. The only trouble is that it can even distract you from the task at hand: making love.
5. Arguing — I know, it doesn’t seem to make sense, does it? But remember Gollum in Lord of the Rings, and how he argued his other voice into submission (Master is good — is not — is too — is not — is too!)? That’s the principle you need to use here, even if you do seem to be off your rocker for a moment.

Women are more intuitive than men



Surprise, surprise -- Men talk more than women!

Entire books have been written on the subject. Songs have been sung about it. Movies have been made around it. But in truth, there is no such thing as “Women’s Intuition”. Sorry.

Scientific studies dispelled the myth that women are more intuitive than men ages ago. However, some research does suggest that women pay more attention to detail than men do. Anthropologist Ashley Montagu says that women are more sensitive to colour discrimination — where a woman would say “ebony”, a man would simply say “black”. It’s this attention to detail that makes it seem like women have more intuitive sense than men, because they notice the subtler signals in a situation that men usually miss. But mind-reading? Puh-leese.
2.    Women are talkers; men are listeners
Surprise, surprise: men have the bigger mouths, after all!

Studies have repeatedly shown that men talk more than women do in virtually any given situation (except arguments, perhaps), from as far back as 1951. In the most recent study by the linguist Marjorie Swacker, three pictures by Albrecht Durer were presented to men and women separately. They were then asked to describe the pictures, and were timed — the idea was that whoever took longer were obviously the more elaborate talkers. The scientists bet on the women talking longer; the gamblers bet on the men. But the results caught everyone by surprise.

Women took an average of 3.17 minutes for their descriptions. The men took an unbelievable 13.00 minutes.




Men blame themselves more than women do

He didn’t get the promotion he was counting on, and he’s really down in the dumps. You see the signs of his impending breakdown draw around him. You know those signs; you’ve had them before. Right now, he’s just disappointed. But soon, he’s going to be beating himself up with bitter regret and thoughts of, “I could have done it if only I….” And then, outright anger will set in. It’s an implosion in slow motion.

Fast talking baby girl.

Except that the breakdown never happens. Wonder of wonders, in a couple of days, he’s back on his feet and as cheery as a canary on a sunny Sunday.

The fact is that women are much harder on themselves than men are. They assume responsibility when things go wrong, even if there was no way they could be to blame. Need proof? Well, ask yourself this: why do women use apologetic phrases more than men like “I’m sorry” and “Excuse me” so much?

 

Men give more detailed explanations

Remember #2 in this list? Well, although men do tend to talk a whole lot more than women, they don’t necessarily say much more. Women still offer much more detail about an incident or their day at work than men, which is an odd contradiction when you stop to think about it — where does all his breath go?

Although men can give more detailed explanations about something, they often choose not to, preferring to be efficient in their communication rather than exhaustive. Women, on the other hand, give you the gory details anyway… whether you want to hear them or not.




Men don’t touch others as much as women do

Wrong again. It seems that men are touchy, feely people, too.

Research has proven that men are more likely to touch people than women, whether male or female. When in male company, it’s by backslapping or handshaking. When in female company, it’s by doing gentlemanly acts like helping women in and out of cars or leading them through a doorway. Nancy Henley, professor of psychology at the University of California, found that men touched women four times more often than women touched men, believe it or not. However, it’s important that women do not interpret these touches as sexual advances, especially if it’s on her back or shoulders. We said ‘gentlemanly’; not ‘sexually’!

Men don’t listen as well as women

You pour your heart out to him, and his face remains impassive. He shows no signs of listening to you, let alone understanding anything you’re saying. Why is he ignoring you?

Well, he’s not. It’s just that men look less attentive than women when being spoken to. Sally McConnell-Ginett, a researcher at Cornell University, found that women are more inclined to say “um-hum” than men when listening to another person. Men, on the other hand, are as cool as cucumbers, and prefer to remain blank and expressionless. Why? So they don’t lead the speaker into thinking that they either agree or disagree with what they’re saying!

Men are less emotional when they speak

Real men can cry now.

Rubbish. The only reason it seems that way is because men express their emotions differently from women. It’s all a question of style.

Paul Ekman from UCLA found that whilst women typically have five different tones in their speech, men only have three. That’s why women appear to be more emotional than men — those peaks and valleys in their speech really dramatise things… even when they’re saying the same thing as the men!

Also, women’s speech is much more animated and their body language more distinct, making them more interesting and engaging. Add to that the fact that women are more likely to cry or have a quaver in their voice when talking about something bad, and it’s no wonder you think men are such cold creeps.

Men ask more questions than women do

Nope. Surely you’ve realized by now that virtually all men are Mr. Know-it-Alls. So, if they know everything, why should they ask questions?

If there is one general assumption about men that is correct, it is that men really are egotistical creatures. Asking questions mean that they’re not in the know about something, which would be utterly devastating to their self-esteem. Therefore, they remain silently ignorant… unless they’re pretty sure no one around them has the answer anyway. That’s why male scientists don’t mind asking questions about the origins of the universe, but refuse to call up their mothers for the family’s chicken stew recipe.

Men are equally anxious to talk about safe sex and STDs

I hate to disappoint you, but although men may be concerned about safe sex and STDs, they are much less likely to bring up the subject. In her book He Says, She Says professor Lillian Glass says that 70-percent of women (compared to 30-percent of men) were the first to bring up a problem… including such topics as birth control and HIV tests.

Although men are as aware as you about the dangers of unprotected sex and STDs, they are also more embarrassed when it comes to talking about it. They think that women ought to take care of intimate matters of their relationship like these serious subjects, and will wait for them to bring them up before offering any ideas of their own.

Men laugh at the same things women do

A man’s idea of a good laugh.

Whatever gave women the idea that men find gynaecological jokes funny, I don’t know. Men are men, for crying out loud — which part of that sentence do you not get?

Research shows that whereas women’s jokes tend to be more focused on word play and puns, men’s jokes are more sarcastic and abrasive than women’s, and far more aggressive. When it comes to laughter, men and women do not see eye-to-eye. So leave your penile dysfunction gags and your soiled pad anecdotes for your girlfriends, please.

TYPE 1: The Trumpet Blower

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Typically sounds like…: I’m a cool dude with a sense of casual easiness. I’m very funny, with a dash of wicked humour at times. Extremely suave if I do say so myself.

Now, that’s not so bad, is it? Nothing wrong with hiding your flaws with a cool, composed confidence. Type 1 seems to be just what he says, but you should be careful for that very reason: no man would ever claim to be ‘extremely suave’ unless he is targetting gullible 18-22-year olds. Hey, would you ever advertise yourself as ‘drop-dead gorgeous’?

Advice: Type 1 has a dark side to him, and you should tread carefully. He could be anything from a serial killer to a serial dater. He knows it. He’s just hoping that you don’t know it.

TYPE 2: The Hunter

Typically sounds like…: Me? I’m just looking for a bit of ‘fun’ (hint hint). As long as you’re discreet, anything can happen, right? …It would be even better if you yourself are committed but just want to have some fun on the side.

That introduction could pass off as a harmless joke. Except that this excerpt came from a married man of forty, who stated his preferred match as a lady “between 20-28”. Type 2 advertisements start with hints, but usually end up pretty bluntly. Thankfully, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what he’s after.

Advice: Always read between the lines when answering the personals. Sometimes, men too can mean ‘yes’ even when they say ‘no’.

TYPE 3: The Guesser

Typically sounds like…: I guess that due to my job I don’t have time to search for my other half. I love to go to the movies, but I’m always alone. I guess I would love to find someone to share my life with. I’m lonely, I guess.

Type 3 doesn’t really know what he’s after, and can be a source of bitter disappointment. The trouble with him is that he hasn’t even decided for himself whether he wants someone or not. It could be that he’s been hurt many times before and is still not sure whether or not he should start looking for someone new. Or, he knows he needs someone, but doesn’t have a clue as to what sort of person she should be. With this type, the phone calls taper off, your email goes unanswered and he eventually drops off the face of the planet.

Advice: On any given day, the fickle man is far worse to know than the fickle woman. Contact him of you wish, but don’t get your hopes up too high and always be ready for an inconclusive end.

TYPE 4: The Honest Blunt

Typically sounds like…: Very open minded by nature, wild & naughty at times. 165 cm, 55++ kg, average height but slightly under weight for a guy. God has given me a gift: I look much younger than my age. See it to believe it. I’m looking for a friend … but who would know what would happen after a week, a month, a year? Nothing fat and ugly, please….

No doubt about it, Type 4 is as honest as the day is long. But although this virtue is highly-prized, I don’t know if you’d appreciate his candour for long. You can depend on Type 4 to be conscientious in his communication with you, but he’s not for the faint hearted — expect him to point out your flaws to you, as though you weren’t already aware of them yourself. Although not completely agreeable, he is at least reliable.

Advice: Try to appreciate Type 4’s candidness. Otherwise, look for someone more subtle.

TYPE 5: The Desperado

Typically sounds like…: Interests are travel, meeting people, outdoor sports, listening to music, nature, clubbing, shopping, water sports, billiards, cars, computers, internet, dancing, football, gym, aerobics, hiking, motor racing, mountain climbing, cinema, etc….

Type 5 seems to be interested in an awful lot of things, but how does anyone find that kind of time these days? They don’t. Type 5 is afraid of narrowing his appeal too much by being in any way specific about what his interests are (online searches often match people according to interests). He is desperate for any company, no matter what they like doing or where they are from.

Of course, a person’s marketability should hardly be determined by what they enjoy doing. But consider this: would you really hook up with someone who forces himself to enjoy the polka as much as you just because he can’t find anyone else?

Advice: Keep an eye on Type 5, and maybe later when he’s a little more experienced with the personals, he’ll be able to tell you more about what he likes.

TYPE 6: The Best Friend

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Typically sounds like…: If you have questions on computers, ask me. I am quite an “ugly” man, so if you’re looking for someone who’s macho or handsome, turn the page. I may be boring, but I am very caring. I want someone to chit-chat with between 20-32, loves IT, and cannot be too ugly or too pretty!

Type 6 won’t do well as a life-time companion perhaps, but you can’t deny his sincerity. A man who steps forward and declares himself ugly faces getting no responses to his ad whatsoever, what more requesting that girls who reply not be too pretty, either.

With this in mind, you can be pretty sure that Type 6 has no ulterior motives, and probably just likes to chat a lot. He balances his honesty with reality. Type 6 fits the best friend role very well. He has no false hopes about getting any further in a relationship, and, best of all, is content with that. Count on him to never let you down when you need someone.

Advice: Treat him kindly. If he is as ugly as he says he is, don’t tell him so. Pay him the due respect that he gives you.

TYPE 7: The Plainly Spoken

Typically sounds like…: I am looking for a like-minded woman to have an affair with. I love to experiment, if you know what I mean. No pretenders, please.

Bravo. Type 7 doesn’t mince his words. Married, bored and not even willing to go through the normal procedure of ‘let’s meet first’ before cutting to the chase, he uses the personals not to fill anyone’s life with meaning, but only to fulfill his own perverted desires. There is no deciphering with Type 7. Everyone can figure him out… or so it seems. Just what does he mean by ‘experiment’, exactly?

Advice: If you’re gung-ho about having affairs with married men and would like to expand your sexual horizons too, then have fun. Others – even the curious – should stay clear.

TYPE 8: The D.O.M. (Dirty Old Man)

Typically sounds like…: 54, Single; am looking for an athletic, intelligent, woman (25-35) who is self-reliant and who can deal with a travel schedule which can be hectic (USA, Europe, or around Asia).

See it? The man is looking for women half his own age! Type 8 is choosy about who he wants in life, and has obviously settled his heart on remaining single for the rest of his life. He wants no life-partner; only temporary maidens whom he hopes to attract with his money and opportunity for travel! A self-centred male chauvinist, Type 8 only wants women in their prime — not before, nor after.

Advice: Get a life. No one needs to take up with Type 8.

TYPE 9:  The Forgotten Deal

Typically sounds like…: Looking for someone (35-45) with an open heart, has natural beauty without makeup, not too demanding, sincere in her relationships, likes to help people and knows how to cook.

Type 9 is usually a forgotten 60-year-old who has just woken up and discovered that he is no longer the youthful bull of his prime. Uh oh. Time to find a woman to take care of him in his old age. Either that, or it’s a sad case of his ex-wife being dead or having just left him. Either way, you wonder why.

Advice: You shouldn’t really have too much to worry about with Type 9. He knows his time is past. It’s up to you.

TYPE 10: The Real Deal

Typically sounds like…: I am a businessman; I wear glasses. I am romantic, understanding, and love ladies who are fair. I love meeting friends and outdoor activities. I’m looking for someone loving, romantic, understanding, charming, clean and tidy. Homely and sporting, thinks of family up-keeping. Looking for marriage-minded ladies for long term relationship.

This is it. Type 10 has all the qualities of a genuine, candid and worthwhile personal advertisement. He is both honest about his looks and what he’s looking for. He knows what he likes, and what he doesn’t. Therefore, you can take everything in between as the truth so far as he knows it.

Advice: Type 10 is the ideal balance between honesty of self and sincerity in expectation. Ending on the note that he does, don’t waste his time unless you’re serious about it, too.

Their delicate spot is right between their legs

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Ironic, isn’t it? Both physically and mentally, our most fragile spot is slotted right between our thighs. We are so painfully aware of this fact that you see some us holding our hands in front of our crotch while we wait for taxis, unconsciously shielding ourselves from an attack upon the very thread from which our sanity hangs.

Physically, you know that our jewels do not take to disturbing caresses very well. This wouldn’t be so bad in itself, except that why does it have to be right next to our most precious utility! I consider it an aberration of nature which I hope will resolve itself over the next sixty million years or so.

Where are the Men’s Nights?

I enjoy clubbing, I really do. The feverish excitement of sweat and perfume mingled with body heat and flashing light always gets me going. But I’ve always wondered this: where are the men’s nights? At the clubs, at the the movies and at the theme parks, Ladies’ Night’s are many with plenty in between. Some even offer ladies’ nights every weekday, provided that they stick to a dress code. But men? Where’s the love, huh? We can’t even get an hour a week to stroke our egos and feel appreciated!

Men are the weaker sex

Women should know better than to doubt the wisdom behind this. The life ambition of man is as follows:

1. Find woman
2. Have sex
3. Repeat steps

I have a stunning girlfriend. And yet, should I be out with her, I can’t help ‘checking out’ other, less attractive women. I don’t know why! Is this that ‘to-sow-his-wild-oats’ theory? What gives?!

Men love ‘stuff’ more than they do themselves

There are only two things I readily spend my money on: music and computers. The only time I get clothes and/or shoes are in wrappers at Christmas and on my birthday. I can’t bring myself to buy something personal no matter how hard I try.

And women wonder why men seem so dull after a while….

Men can’t have babies

If it weren’t for this very important fact, I believe that men and women could live quite comfortably on different continents of the world without mingling. We’d never fight again. It’s not that I wish we didn’t need women to procreate (I’d never say that!). But I would at least appreciate the option of being able to father a child without a woman.

Men never smell good

Phew! Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think men smell too good. We never have, and in all probability, we never will. But why not? I’ve tried to follow my girlfriend’s regimen of body care and odour-beating defences, but they don’t work on me. Within the hour, I smell like something the dog dragged out of the garbage, whilst her perfume still lingers in the air when she walks by.

Why this fundamental biological disadvantage has been accorded to us, I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve got to go have a bath.

Men can’t prove their chastity

I once met this hot girl that I wanted to lay, who said she would only surrender to a ‘pure’ guy. I pledged eternal devotion, and swore I was a virgin. She didn’t buy it. But I was, I swear I had never been with another woman before her.

How does a man prove to a girl that he’s never done it? You can’t!

Sexist or gentleman?

There is a fine, grey, sparsely dotted line that separates the gentleman from the sexist. On some days, opening a door for a lady will get you an appreciative smile. On others, a curt “I can do it myself” glare. And girls wonder where all the knights have gone! No wonder we’re all mucking about, mixing up lust and love and getting nowhere in our relationships: we can’t even figure out if offering to carry your luggage is chauvinistic or chivalrous.

Men don’t live long enough

Of the two predominant species of humankind on earth, guys have the shorter life span. Blame it on our lifestyles, the food we eat, our lack of exercise, the beer, whatever. The fact is that we don’t stick around long enough to enjoy a lot of stuff. And if we do, it’s usually a miserable existence of a slow, prolonged death anyway. I wish we had more time.

Men can’t win arguments

Unfortunately, there is only one other species on earth we can converse with, and those conversations frequently end up in tears. Care to argue? Yes, I thought you’d want to.

I’m off to take that bath now.

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Let me present you with a scenario: You come home one evening after a full day of shopping with the girls, and catch your man red-handed on the PC, surfing pornographic sites. There’s a picture of disproportionate blonde in a contorted sexual position on the screen, and he smiles sheepishly at you as his face goes from red to purple.

What do you do?

Well, naturally your first reaction would be to scream in bloodthirsty fury at his cyber-infidelity. (By now he is apologising profusely; his flustered eyes darting between your shopping bags and the PC screen, as he struggles to shut down his companion on his recent lustful adventure).

Then maybe you retreat into an abyss of misery (he has genuine remorse in his voice right now, and probably has a few sparkles forming in his eyes as the full realisation of what has happened hits him). Finally, you settle into a pensive state of depression that you’re determined to remain in until you feel much better, which of course you never do. (The ultimate guilt trip – he’ll be quite sure to never do it again, at least not in this lifetime).

But why did he do it exactly? When you asked him (read: SCREAMED at him) during your first reaction, he probably answered but you weren’t listening, having other thoughts on your mind like whether the scissors in the kitchen drawer were sharp enough to do a little hasty surgery on your dearly-beloved’s most-precious of organs. You probably asked him again a little later, when you began to descend into that abyss, and again he probably answered, but again it got lost in translation. By the time you were really ready to get an answer, he had probably given up trying to explain. Allow me.

Yes, men like porn

It’s true: I won’t deny that us men are big fans of pornography, and that we have all gone onto the Net to search for nude pictures of our fantasy women at least once. But believe me, we do get bored. Quick. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Women in the nude all look the same (no offence).

It doesn’t matter if it’s Cindi Margolis (Guiness’s Most Downloaded Woman) or Audrey Hepburn. After about three months of trying to find the ultimate in porn, we realise that there is no gratification to be found in the whole hyped-up medium anyway. They’re all homogenous products of clever photography and Photoshop.

But there is something else that is readily available on the Net: information. This is where a lot of us end up going to when it comes to fulfilling our sexual notions. Believe it or not, some of are actually interested in satisfying our partners in bed!

Erotic stories abound on the Net, and, in true trashy-novel tradition, most of them are written by women. There is no way on earth you would ever find us holding a Mills & Boon novel in our hands during our time on this planet. Still, we figure that if women write these fantasies, and other women read them, doesn’t it make sense that they are pretty much fantasies of women the world over? So, by us men reading these stories, we’re able to act out these fantasies for our partners!

Another example: There are thousands of guides out there for women to get better sex from their men. ‘How to Increase His Endurance’; ‘Getting That Multiple Orgasm’; ‘Make Him Your Slave’… and many, many more. These articles were written for women. They’re full of advice on how women can manipulate their partners so that they get better sex. It makes sense, then, that us guys should read these same articles and find out what we’re supposed to do. Manipulate us, please!

Men aren’t exactly ‘open’ when it comes to talking about our sexual needs. And despite women getting some great sex advice from those romance novels, we don’t see much of it rubbing off. So we carry on with our usual routine between the sheets, wishing we could play a little ‘cat-and-mouse’ around the kitchen. Women, it seems, do the same… but neither of us knows it. If only we did, we’d be able to have our very own episode of Tom & Jerry.

A friend of mine once caught his wife red-handed for surfing pornographic sites (I believe she was perusing the anatomy of Hugh Grant at the time; or, at least, his lookalike), and he told me that after they got over the first few minutes of shock, complete speechlessness and overall staggered heartbeats, they understood each other much better in bed. They opened up to each other, because each realised that the other was just as naughty. They spoke openly of what they would like to do to each other one day, and made plans in the general direction of having wild, unbridled sex. Most of the details are unprintable.

From good sex to great sex

My experience on the Net has been a wholesome one. I started out like many: finding the ‘juiciest’ sites where I could ogle at women for free, and looking up sources for getting quality porn at dirt-cheap rates. But I soon grew bored. In fact, in less than three weeks after getting on the Web, I had already outgrown this lusty habit, and had moved on to more productive surfing (read: erotic stories). Of course, at the time, I had no sex life.

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But when I settled down, I was frightened. The age-old adage that sex becomes a walk-in-the-park after marriage rang in my ears. Where it was once ‘hot’, ‘steamy’, and ‘wild’, after marriage it becomes ‘nice’, ‘good’ and ‘wonderful’. I was determined to not let this happen, but I didn’t know what to do. We had great communication, but I had lousy intuition and she had an even worse imagination. The signs of doom were on the wall.

If you watched the uncensored version of What Women Want starring Mel Gibson, you’ll understand what I mean. We know you have likes and dislikes in bed, and we wish we knew what they were. We’d be more than willing to accommodate you every need, I assure you. But Mel Gibson’s ‘sixth sense’ for hearing the woman’s thoughts (in the bedroom scene of the paranoid coffee-girl) in that movie is fictional. My bedroom isn’t.

So I did what I found a lot of other men in similar positions doing: I got the advice that was meant for women, reverse engineered it, and put it into practice. Whilst my wife subscribed to women’s magazines in her quest for an imagination, I started surfing the Net during my lunch break to develop an artificial ‘sixth sense’. I devoured everything I got my eyeballs on from ‘Oral Pleasure For Women’ to ‘Kama Sutra Defined’. I invested in some lingerie, both for her and for me (I never knew that my wearing a G-string could make a woman so ‘happy’). I looked up some fantasies that other women have, and figured out how I could act them out with my dearly beloved. I learnt all sorts of new tricks and, thankfully, most of them have worked.

She caught me red-handed on the Net gawking at a doctored image of Catherine Zeta-Jones once. But after I explained what I was really surfing for she smiled in anticipation. These days, we sometimes even surf together, searching far and wide for tried and true techniques and postures that guarantee us a fulfilling sex life. We have since learned to open up a lot more and right now, we use all the words in our considerably vulgar vocabulary on each other in bed, knowing full well what they really mean and enjoying every minute of it.

So the next time you catch your man eyeballing Britney in a two-piece bikini, smile, pull up a chair, and join him. You’ll see what I mean.

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Do you remember the last time you were on the bathroom floor with nothing but your knickers on, your stomach wincing and the world spinning around you like a top? Do you sometimes spend the night in what is known as the ‘recovery position’: resting your head on the toilet bowl imagining it to be your pillow till morning?

At approximately 2 pm (morning, in this case) you wake up with a ton of bricks for what used to be your head, a hairbrush for what must have been your tongue and a needle cushion in your stomach. With eyelashes stuck together — thanks to that lovely Bobbi Brown mascara — facial pores that have become craters and eyeliner gone crusty around your eyes, you look like a nightmare. This is when you say, “I’ll never do this again” — a classic promise that we all make to break. Because the next time you need to get over some bloke you fancy who broke your fragile heart, you head straight for the tequila shots.

Hangovers happen to the best of us. The ‘happy juice’ makes us feel really good, but like everything else, overdo it and you’re in for a hard time. Apparently, though, it’s not the alcohol itself that’s the culprit (hard to believe, I know), but rather a by-product of ingested alcohol: acetaldehyde.

Your body breaks alcohol down into (among other things) acetaldehyde before transforming it into less harmful substances. Next, a host of depleted minerals short-circuits your nervous system whilst the acetaldehyde does further damage to your brains. Low blood-sugar sets in and this is accompanied by horrifying headaches and dry-mouth symptoms brought on by dehydration. If you don’t know by now, alcohol is a diuretic: it forces the evaporation of a vital portion of the body’s water. Coming off the effects of a mild overdose of depressant drug — like alcohol — leads you into nervous shock. Your nerves react by going into a relatively hypersensitive state.

The sum of all the above is nausea, head spins, twitchy nerves, grumpiness and general unpleasantness. Some report diarrhoea. Because I suffer from gastritis, I usually get a prickly acid feel in my stomach and even heartburn. Oh yes, the list of reasons to NOT drink again is very long in the morning, but look on the bright side: these symptoms are fantastic excuses for not going to work.

The severity of a hangover varies according to your age, ‘enzymatic capacity’ to deal with the poisons and the quantity you guzzle. So, the older you are, the worse it gets. The more you take in a shorter space of time, the more you’ll feel the alcohol. And if your physique looks somewhat anorexic, your chances of an almighty hangover are far greater than it is for lardy types.

But never fear — celebrating happy occasions or brooding over sad ones can turn out better with these tips… and the Miracle Cure for the morning after.

Preparing for the night out

• For starters, never leave home on an empty stomach. Pump yourself up with a hearty meal loaded with minerals and starch to absorb the alcohol so it doesn’t all go directly into your bloodstream.
• Next, water: I know its no fun having to run off to the ladies every time a George Clooney-ish dude starts chatting you up, but if you want to still like him in the morning, you must be sure to fill up with plenty of water before leaving home.
• Finally, bring out the blender and get the secret potion below ready for when you get home. Keep it close by, preferably next to your bathroom.
• It might be a challenge to squeeze these tips into your already tight beauty regime for that sizzling night out, but do it and you could save yourself a whole load of pain in the morning.

While you’re out

• Remember that dark beverages are more potent than lighter ones. Avoid brandy, red wine, bourbon and scotch and stick to gin, rum and vodka. Apparently, a bad chemical named ‘congeners’ occurs naturally in fermented drinks which explains why darker drinks have more ‘congeners’ than lighter ones.
• Whatever the colour, never date a cheapskate who only buys you cheap drinks…especially red wine. It contains an extra hangover-inducing poison called ‘tyramine’.
• Try consuming less than one drink per hour. The science behind this is that your liver breaks down alcohol at a rate of about one beer per hour. In my experience, alternating alcoholic beverages with non-alcoholic beverages always keeps my body hydrated.
• If all else fails and you know that you cannot handle another drink for fear of looking like a loser in front of the boys, sip on tea and pretend its whisky. You can also sit or stand next to a plant and water it with your glass’ contents.

When You Get Home

• Throwing up is good. It gets the alcohol out of your system so that it cannot cause more damage while you sleep.
• Never take analgesics (any form of headache pills) as they aggravate your stomach and may even worsen the hangover. If you’re the type that needs to pop a pill once back home, take a multivitamin. This is a good way to replace the lost nutrients and minerals.
• Julian Mokhtar, a rock guitarist and hard-partier by any standards, says that he attempts to down two large glasses of H2O as soon as he hits home. Works like a charm for me, too.
• Some swear by lime juice over a bowl of steaming instant noodles, while for others its pancakes and honey. In truth, any kind of food will do. The starch will help absorb the alcohol and protect your stomach’s walls from further damage while you sleep.

The morning after

• No coffee and certainly no alcohol. Eat (more so if you’re not feeling queasy) and go back to bed. Simple. Forget the age-old hair-of-the-dog technique (having more alcohol to calm your shattered nerves) unless you want to become an alcoholic.
• Personally, I love a shower when I rise (from the bathroom floor). There’s just something about it that works well for us girls, like washing that man out of your hair.
• As for makeup, be sure to clean your face. Yes, even if you did end up in someone else’s house. Clogged pores make us look scary.
• Finally, get your Miracle Cure (see below) ready and down it in one go.

The Miracle Hangover Cure Recipe

1. Take 2 aspirins
2. Take 200 mg cysteine (available at specialty food stores)
3. Take 600 mg vitamin C
4. Take 1 tablet vitamin B complex
5. Mix the following ingredients in a blender:

• 1 banana
• 1 small can Red Bull
• 6 large strawberries
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 1 cup orange juice
• 1-2 cups milk (or soy milk)
  ¼ tspn salt
• dash of nutmeg

Note: Drink it ALL up. If you can down it in one go, you shouldn’t have a hangover, anyway.

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I wonder what he's hiding?

I like to think of myself as a new-age man. I cried as the Titanic sank. I sobbed as Sam’s daughter was wrestled away from him. I cheer for women’s rights whenever it’s warranted, and discuss gender inequality with my partner in a pragmatic manner. I can cook, clean, and do the laundry without batting an eyelid, and still manage to hold my own in the home-repairs department. So, you see, I have no problem with the ‘sensitive’ part of the new-age maxim. It’s the ‘macho’ part that I don’t get.

Most of modern man’s existence is spent in humble obeisance to the norms of his or her expected role in society. Historically and culturally, we are taught that at different periods in time, men and women played different parts in the fabric of civilization. And right now, men and women seem to be expected to play the role of equals: neither should function any differently than the other. Both accept the same responsibilities, treatment and privileges. The only thing that doesn’t change is that a woman will bear children, and a man will bear his shameless stupidity.

But as with everything else with the world: where’s the justice? In an ideal world of idyllic paradise islands where ideal men and women make ideal babies, a world with this equally ideal balance between manliness and femininity would be perfect. However, since the laws of man and nature are not the same, we fumble around looking for that equilibrium, and make adjustments to our present characteristics over our decades-old make-up: Men used to be hard-nosed creatures with an appetite for only sex and violence. (Some may argue that we still are). Now, we’re trying to fulfil our inherent need for the macho whilst acknowledging the ‘new-age’ orders-of-the-day, such as knowing the difference between frill and lace. It’s a tough time to be a chauvinist, male or female.

On the one hand, women seem to like my sensitive, soft-hearted core. They think it’s sweet. On the other hand, I’m a weakling; a limp, spineless, pathetic little boy who hides behind a grizzly chin and corporate tie. While I try to maintain a gruff, disinterested arrogance for household utensils and ladies’ clothes departments, I still take an active role in home décor and lingerie. But with every soppy love-story I watch, waiting for the good guy to whack the bad guy over the head with a baseball bat, I get more confused. I mean — seriously now — is there really such a thing as a New-Age guy?

People tell me it is so, but I have my reservations. If men have our ‘basic instincts’, and lust for women and protector-like roles, then surely women have their primitive needs for strong, able-bodied men, that would throw any man who looks at her wrong a good right hook. The last time a companion of mine came under attack, I calmly withdrew from the situation, taking her with me. My rationale was simple: suppress my first instinct to punch his nose and run, and instead leave the vicinity under the guise of “a matured defence to a threatening assault”.

Unfortunately, her response was, “Why didn’t you kick him in the you-know-where?” No wonder Paula Cole sang, “where have all the cowboys gone?”

Oh, all right, so maybe that was an isolated incident. But that still doesn’t explain why we’re expected to ‘keep things together’ in the family way when they start to fall apart, and — my all-time favourite — to be ‘the rock to lean on’, and heaven knows how many other clichéd ‘good old-fashioned cowboy’ roles that need filling any time a situation that calls them. It’s downright unsettling.

So, I remain swaying between the modern and the primeval. Caught between my good-natured, willing-to-please-my-woman side; and my other, gloriously testosterone-crammed, Who-Is-The-Man? one.

I suspect that the New-Age Man might be our generation’s inverse Galatea: a statue carved by King Pygmalion, so dissatisfied was he with the feminine race, and brought to life as The Perfect Woman. But purely mythological. Fictitious. Make-believe. A product of exceptional imagination. So it is with the New-Age Man.

I’m no New-Age Dude. Anyone care for a New Age Dud?