Career opportunities await.

Tired of being the flunky at work? Time to get your act together and start playing to win!

Nothing was going right for Alice. She’d been hired as Junior Copywriter three years ago. Drafted into a growing advertising agency, she saw it expand to nearly twice the size it was when she joined. Yet, she had never been asked if she’d be interested in a promotion. Instead, she watched three men and one woman take up the position of Senior Copywriter, and all left the company within a year.

Finally, after all those doughnut lunches and midnight dinners, she handed in her resignation. Not because she had found another job, but because she was so frustrated at playing second fiddle.

“As junior copywriter, I got no credit,” says Alice, 26. “If my ideas were good, they’d be approved to show to clients. And if the clients liked them, then they’d become successful ad copies. But I never got any credit for it — the glory always went to the so-called ‘team leader’, which was the Senior Copywriter, of course.”

When the management received her resignation, they didn’t make much of a fuss because they didn’t realise the talent they were losing. They didn’t know that Alice was the creative spark behind so many campaigns, because she never got recognition for her work. And so the company lost a valuable mind, and Alice probably lost a sterling career in a growing organisation.

It’s called playing second fiddle, being the lackey, being the cog in someone else’s wheel: as long as you keep turning, they keep moving. But there are reasons why you find yourself in this position, and there are ways to get out.

Why you’re here

Although a CBS News poll suggests differently, experts generally agree that most of the time, a woman’s career is held back primarily because of herself. According to Cathy Goodwin , PhD, author, speaker and career coach, there are five things that could be getting in the way of your moving up at work:

1. Not finding out

   …whether the position is available in the first place, or if the title and salary advertised is negotiable. Companies often don’t have the budget to move people up a rung arbitrarily, so it could simply be bad timing.

   What you can do about it:

   “Before you enter a negotiation, find out if there are restrictions on what you can get,” says Goodwin. “For instance: if a job is advertised at a certain title and salary, some companies will not negotiate beyond what is formally posted. If your company has a limit on raises, you can’t get more unless your boss jumps through a lot of hoops.”

2. Not knowing the company’s direction

   …and assuming that the position must be there because someone had it last week. It could have been made redundant, or it could be that they have taken its role and made it someone else’s responsibility. It’s not very fair, but it’s not your fault, either.

   What you can do about it:

   “Companies reward people for doing what the company wants,” says Goodwin. “If the company’s values conflict with yours, you have a decision to make.”

3. Not documenting your contributions

   …to the company. People have a short memory, and few HR departments keep track of employee successes. Most are only interested in employee failures.

   What you can do about it:

   “Write down every little success that contributes to the bottom line of your company or division,” advises Goodwin. “How has your work helped your boss get his or her accomplishment? Show how your job has increased sales and (hopefully) profit, saved time and/or money, or somehow added value.” Goodwin also warns that if you have a job with no measurable contribution to the bottom line, then you should start thinking about a career change.

4. Misjudging the boss

   …can severely hamper your chances of breaching the subject of getting promoted. Different bosses have different negotiating styles — some bosses like people to challenge them, some prefer written documents, others face-to-face conversation, others e-mail. And most bosses need some higher authority to approve promotions or raises.

   What you can do about it:

   You need to make it easy for your boss to make a case for you when approaching his boss. When applying for a promotion, make your case in the cover letter so your boss can ‘sell’ you.

5. Being unsure about yourself

   …makes you unfocused and incapable of appearing confident about what you want. What’s your market value? Are you ready to move for more money? Do you have other options if this doesn’t work out?

   What you can do about it:

   “If you know your bottom line, you will have the quiet confidence that communicates nonverbally,” says Goodwin. “If you are not marketable, do the best you can with this go-around and then begin to consider a career or job change. Or, find ways that you can become more marketable on the job, such as courses or classes.”

Politicking your move up

Being an Assistant Something-or-the-Other does not exclude you from the politics of your workplace. As Susan Roane, keynote speaker and best-selling author of The Secrets of Savvy Networking says: “Waste not one moment lamenting about the horrible politics in your firm, company or association. There is no gathering of three or more persons that is free of politics.”

Although the game gets tougher the higher you get, even the most menial position at your office is subject to political influences. And changing jobs is not the answer.

“Some people sincerely believe that if they change jobs or firms, the politics will go away and they’ll live happily ever after,” says RoAne. “It isn’t true of marriages; why should it be true of work?”

Not being politically savvy can affect your chances of a promotion in more ways than one, according to RoAne.

“Office politics has taken a rap from people who don’t get the plums,” she says. “No one complains about politics who has been the beneficiary of some savvy actions.”

These are some of the perceptions your colleagues may have of you, and what you can do to counter them:

1. You lack career management skills

   …and have no clue as to what to do next. Anyone who wants to go anywhere must have a plan, a roadmap to get there. If you appear content to stay where you are and bitch about it, your boss will think that you’re headed nowhere… and no one likes a corporate nomad.

   Change this perception by:

   Firstly, getting to know Who’s Who. This is very crucial, because there are some whose opinions count, and other’s who don’t. You want to make sure you work on the people who do. “Observe your colleagues, subordinates and supervisors,” suggests RoAne. “Who eats with whom? Who works out together? Commutes together?”

2. Being a loner rather than a team player

   …will not make you a successful leader.  People don’t know you well enough to want you to be in a position of power. Promoting you would be a disaster to the team, since no one else will understand why you deserve the move.

   Change this perception by:

   Listening, says RoAne — to conversations in staff rooms, at clients’ and even in the washrooms. Some may describe this listening strategy as eavesdropping, but this ‘informal listening’ allows us to learn of birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, co-workers’ loss of loved ones and more, so we can take the appropriate steps to acknowledge these events. “If used properly, the office grapevine can be a powerful career aid,” insists RoAne. “It can provide you with a great deal of useful information, including rumours, many of which become fact.” With this information, you can very easily become more approachable at work, thereby increasing the number of people who think of you as a team player.

3. Being un-promotable

   …but why would anyone think that of you? You work hard, are committed and loyal and don’t take two-hour lunch breaks — what gives? Simply speaking, people just don’t think you have what it takes. You come across as someone who makes a good worker, but a lousy leader.

   Change this perception by:

   Reading the body language of your co-workers as names and assignments are mentioned. This is an almost foolproof way of learning about who works for the company, and who works for him/herself. Armed with this knowledge, you can now judge your colleagues better, and make suggestions to the bosses before work is handed out. They will appreciate your insight, and you go from dead-end worker to possible leader overnight.

Should you move on?

If you find that the reasons you’re stuck are far too many to be comfortably assailed, then it is time to think that maybe you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s one of those rare instances when it really isn’t your fault that you’ve not been promoted.

But do you want to move into another Assistant Something-or-the-Other position? Of course not! Still, even if other organisations are already waiting to sign up your services, there are some things to consider when moving out instead of moving up. Cheryl Ferguson, a recruiter and host of The Recruiter’s Studio, says that “while it is always flattering to be singled out for a lead on a great new opportunity, you can avoid a lot of surprise, heartache and frustration by doing your homework before making a move.”

Ms Ferguson has three suggestions about whether you want take up an offer or keep looking, and what to ask during the meeting stage before any dotted lines are signed:

1. Learn all you can about the company

   …because you want to at least make sure you’re interested in their line of business. Visit the company website. Find out about the top management, and ask around to see if they’ve been successful in the past. “Has the company raised money, won an award, or signed an exclusive agreement with a key business partner?” asks Ferguson. These are things you’ll want to know before meeting them.

   At the pre-job meeting you should:

   Find out what the people on your team think about the company. They’re probably going to say it’s all good, so go one step further and ask them how long they’ve been with the company — always a good indication of how high the staff turnover is, and therefore whether people are generally happy working there or not. You should also find out what the expectations are for the role, because you don’t want to be unpleasantly surprised with unrealistic goals or with resolving a lot of issues your predecessor left behind. “Ask if there are staff, a budget and timeline in place to meet those expectations,” Ferguson advises.

2. Get a sense of the company culture

   …and the unspoken rules that exist there. If possible, try to get hold of an ex-employee of the organisation before your meeting, and ask whether the management encourages open discussion or prefers quiet subservience. Find out whether people are promoted on merit or longevity and how amenable the managers are to employee concerns. “What’s the company’s reputation like?” asks Ferguson. “And, does it possess the kind of environment you can thrive in?”

   At the pre-job meeting you should:

   Find out about your prospective immediate boss, and what his or her management style is like — hands-on or hands-off? This is especially important, so that you get a feel for the person whom you’ll have to go to for a promotion in the future. Also, how long has he or she been with the company? This is an indication of how much informal clout he or she has within the organisation, which can help your career tremendously if you play your cards right.

3. Contact the local chapter of the industry association

   …whatever that may be. This is especially important if you are new to the industry. Ferguson suggests that you try to attend the association’s next meeting and introduce yourself at it, explaining why you’re there. If possible, you should try and find a representative from the company you’re considering joining and talk to them about their work. “Again, the questions are: how long has he or she been working there? Does he or she enjoy it? Why?” says Ferguson.

   At the pre-job meeting you should:

   Discuss the company’ business and industry as openly as possible, and try and get them to say something negative about it — there is no such thing as a perfect company or business to be in. If the interviewers seem reluctant to disclose details about the company’s performance (if it’s a privately held company) or are unwilling to discuss its poor showing in the last quarter (if it’s a publicly held company), then you shouldn’t be too enthusiastic about joining them — you could wind up at another dead-end, and play second fiddle all over again.

If all bosses were smart, you wouldn’t be reading this. Unfortunately, a lot of them are surprisingly dull, which means that we have to approach them keeping their surprisingly poor mental aptitude in mind when we want to present an idea.

For this reason, the Presentation was invented: a session whereby the presenter gets all the attention of the audience, which includes his or her boss, and sells an idea to them. It was designed to optimise brain receptors and minimise stupidity. But even with all these measures, a boss’s idiocy can still dim your idea. Here’s what to do, step-by-step, to make sure your presentation brings out the brighter side in him or her.

Preparation: 1 + 1 = 2

Photo credit: hfb. Click image to visit photographer.

No argument was ever won without convincing logic. Thus, if you want your boss to see that 1 + 1 = 2, your material must add up.

Now is a good time to think about your idea seriously. Can it really do what you say it can? Write out the problem and the solution you are proposing on a piece of paper. Now read it aloud: does it look convincing? More importantly, does it sound convincing?

This is the most important step of all, because if your idea doesn’t have a sound logic, there’s no way your boss will ever see the use of it. Make sure that there is a definite, distinctly defined problem. Then show how your idea is going to address it.

First, you need tools. Presentations are done everyday, on different scales, throughout society. When Microsoft blasted millions on the launch of Windows Vista, it was a presentation. When you walk into a shop and the sales assistant makes her pitch, it’s a presentation. Microsoft uses large TV screens, balloons, fireworks and lasers to make their point. The sales assistant uses her smile, the products around her and her persuasive salesmanship. My point is this: what can you use?

People talk about ‘making yourself heard’ a lot these days because there’s so much communication and information flying about. In order to be heard, you have to be creative. Think of different ways to present your idea.

Some examples: if you’re proposing a new process, bring along the by-products from the existing process (like unnecessary paperwork). If you’re selling a new product idea, express the need that exists and how your idea will fulfil it (acne medication: a volunteer with a bad pimple). Bring along a prototype if possible. If you’re pushing for a five-day work week, show some pictures of your office employees lazing about on Saturdays. Or better yet, get them to demonstrate a typical Saturday workday for the benefit of the audience.

Use some medium that will make your audience sit up and take notice. Once you have their attention, your flawless logic has a better chance of being heard.

A Presenter’s Best Friends

Computers are a popular presentation tool, and why not? With some cool animated graphics, an LCD projector and a dark room, anyone can be Bill Gates. But aside from the fact that they can be time-consuming to produce, and can be more trouble than they’re worth (something almost always goes wrong), they’re not the be all and end all of presentations. Besides, other tools are often more practical than laptops anyway.

The humble flip-chart is often overlooked, as well as the whiteboard. These are particularly useful if you want to illustrate something, and need the help of a marker to draw lines and boxes and squiggly people. They are much easier to set up, and have the added flexibility of being able to take on a whole new page, in case you think of something more you’d like to include at the last minute. It also encourages people to participate by taking notes – helpful in the learning process for any child (or boss) – and so help your message sink in.

It’s always a good idea to give handouts of whatever it is you’re presenting, but not too much. Don’t spoil your boss. Make sure he or she has to put in some effort in taking notes of his or her own. If you’re not giving handouts, at least supply a couple of sheets of rough paper and a pencil. Get them involved.

Finally, you should always bring support. Get at least one colleague to sit in on the presentation who will ask pertinent questions and encourage discussion. The more your idea is discussed, the better chance there is of it being approved… or, at the least, sent up the hierarchy.

The Pitch

It can be intimidating, facing a table of people, all of whom feel that they undoubtedly have more important things to do than listen to you jabber on about your cure for office supplies shortage.
But there they are, and there you are. Face to face. You asked for it, and now you’ve got it. One chance to impress, one shot at glorious distinction. You could either fall flat on your face, or grow in their esteem. If you’ve taken proper preparation steps, then at least you won’t have to worry about potential operational screw-ups, which can be very disconcerting. Assuming you’ve readied yourself up to the hilt, begin your pitch.

There are several things to remember about giving presentations that you should never forget:

1. Speak clearly, and loudly
2. Don’t look at the floor, maintain eye contact
3. Use active, positive language
4. Wear comfortable shoes, in case you stumble.

When speaking, don’t mumble or murmur under your breath, because your boss will think you’re talking about him or her to yourself. Say everything distinctly, and look for signs of comprehension on their face and in their eyes — that’s what all this is for: to get your idea through his or her thick skull. Use active language like “It will do such-and-such a thing” rather than “It could do such-and-such a thing”. And don’t wear anything that may be hazardous to your pitch like high-heels, or, if there are men, plunging necklines (we find it hard to concentrate on what a total babe is saying when her blouse is set to burst).

Follow Through

No one is going to stand up at the end of your presentation, applaud you, and ask you to put into execution everything you just proposed as well as recommend your promotion. That only happens in the movies and in corny deodorant advertisements.

What will happen is that you would have made an indelible impression in their minds, enough for them to remember what you said for the next week or so. This is when the poker is hot, and this is when you should strike. Over the next few days, do your best to follow-up on your proposal with your boss. He or she may be marginally better-informed after your talk, but no smarter. You’ll still have to keep reminding him or her of it, and push for the stamp of approval.

Sometimes, several idiots may have to make a collective decision on your idea. This is even more frustrating than dealing with one, but necessary to ensure complete sanity in the workplace. Make sure you’re as diplomatic as possible when it comes to chasing signatures or deadlines: being the idiots that they are, they might think you’re trying to overthrow their thrones.

Not that that would be such a bad idea, now, would it?

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Their delicate spot is right between their legs

Photo credit: CarbonNYC. Click image to visit the photographer.

Ironic, isn’t it? Both physically and mentally, our most fragile spot is slotted right between our thighs. We are so painfully aware of this fact that you see some us holding our hands in front of our crotch while we wait for taxis, unconsciously shielding ourselves from an attack upon the very thread from which our sanity hangs.

Physically, you know that our jewels do not take to disturbing caresses very well. This wouldn’t be so bad in itself, except that why does it have to be right next to our most precious utility! I consider it an aberration of nature which I hope will resolve itself over the next sixty million years or so.

Where are the Men’s Nights?

I enjoy clubbing, I really do. The feverish excitement of sweat and perfume mingled with body heat and flashing light always gets me going. But I’ve always wondered this: where are the men’s nights? At the clubs, at the the movies and at the theme parks, Ladies’ Night’s are many with plenty in between. Some even offer ladies’ nights every weekday, provided that they stick to a dress code. But men? Where’s the love, huh? We can’t even get an hour a week to stroke our egos and feel appreciated!

Men are the weaker sex

Women should know better than to doubt the wisdom behind this. The life ambition of man is as follows:

1. Find woman
2. Have sex
3. Repeat steps

I have a stunning girlfriend. And yet, should I be out with her, I can’t help ‘checking out’ other, less attractive women. I don’t know why! Is this that ‘to-sow-his-wild-oats’ theory? What gives?!

Men love ‘stuff’ more than they do themselves

There are only two things I readily spend my money on: music and computers. The only time I get clothes and/or shoes are in wrappers at Christmas and on my birthday. I can’t bring myself to buy something personal no matter how hard I try.

And women wonder why men seem so dull after a while….

Men can’t have babies

If it weren’t for this very important fact, I believe that men and women could live quite comfortably on different continents of the world without mingling. We’d never fight again. It’s not that I wish we didn’t need women to procreate (I’d never say that!). But I would at least appreciate the option of being able to father a child without a woman.

Men never smell good

Phew! Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think men smell too good. We never have, and in all probability, we never will. But why not? I’ve tried to follow my girlfriend’s regimen of body care and odour-beating defences, but they don’t work on me. Within the hour, I smell like something the dog dragged out of the garbage, whilst her perfume still lingers in the air when she walks by.

Why this fundamental biological disadvantage has been accorded to us, I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve got to go have a bath.

Men can’t prove their chastity

I once met this hot girl that I wanted to lay, who said she would only surrender to a ‘pure’ guy. I pledged eternal devotion, and swore I was a virgin. She didn’t buy it. But I was, I swear I had never been with another woman before her.

How does a man prove to a girl that he’s never done it? You can’t!

Sexist or gentleman?

There is a fine, grey, sparsely dotted line that separates the gentleman from the sexist. On some days, opening a door for a lady will get you an appreciative smile. On others, a curt “I can do it myself” glare. And girls wonder where all the knights have gone! No wonder we’re all mucking about, mixing up lust and love and getting nowhere in our relationships: we can’t even figure out if offering to carry your luggage is chauvinistic or chivalrous.

Men don’t live long enough

Of the two predominant species of humankind on earth, guys have the shorter life span. Blame it on our lifestyles, the food we eat, our lack of exercise, the beer, whatever. The fact is that we don’t stick around long enough to enjoy a lot of stuff. And if we do, it’s usually a miserable existence of a slow, prolonged death anyway. I wish we had more time.

Men can’t win arguments

Unfortunately, there is only one other species on earth we can converse with, and those conversations frequently end up in tears. Care to argue? Yes, I thought you’d want to.

I’m off to take that bath now.

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A quick look at today’s papers will give you at least one report of a car accident in which a family of four or five were tragically killed. Often, these accidents are no fault of theirs — an overtaking vehicle, a drunk driver, even a cat caught in your headlights on a highway can make you panic and lose control. But while these driving hazards are beyond your control, you can at least do your best to make sure the environment within your own car is as safe as can be… especially for your children. Making sure everyone wears their seatbelts besides, curious toddlers and quarrelsome tweens can make you lose your concentration when driving… and I don’t think we need tell you how dangerous that can be.

Lock the windows

An annoying habit that many children have is fiddling with power windows. They wind them down, throw rubbish out of it (another story altogether!), then wind them up again. Then they do the same thing again. And again. It can be very irritating to a driver, so do lock your power windows. If your car does not have a power window lock, or if it uses manual windows, then take your car to a workshop to get them to fix it — either by installing a power window lock switch, or by removing the handles from the manual windows in the backseat. You can always put them back on later.

Lock the doors

It’s every parent’s worse nightmare: your child opening the car door whilst you’re in motion. And, yes, it can happen. All modern cars feature a child-proof door lock which prevents people from opening the door from the inside. But how many of us actually use it? Refer to your car’s user manual to find out how to operate this feature, or ask your friendly neighbourhood mechanic (although your husband ought to be able to figure it out himself). And while you’re at it, see if your car’s seat-belts have child-proof mechanisms which prevent their squirming out of them. If they don’t, ask a good car accessories shop for a gadget that makes regular seat belts fiddle-resistant.

Shut the kids up

Two kids having a shouting match in the backseat whilst you’re inching your way through shopping mall traffic is not what any parent had in mind when they decided to have children. Your already frayed nerves are slowly pushed into danger zone, you begin to lose patience on the road, and then…. Crash! You could a) yell at your child to shut up or no ice-cream; b) ignore it (which is very difficult); or, c) play silent games. One game like this is Stare (who can look into the other person’s eyes longest without blinking. Rules? No talking!). Another good game is Count the Cars (silently count how many green cars you see on the road). Always have the radio on in the background so that it does not seem too quiet in the car, and if they really must talk, play the all-time favourite game: I Spy. Start the game when you begin your journey, and end at your destination (or when they fall asleep, whichever happens first).

Don’t let them get bored

Children turn naughty when they’re bored, and nothing is quite as boring as sitting around a backseat all day… and an hour or two does seem like a day to them. As long as they are sufficiently entertained, they are generally quite happy to leave you alone. So, try and keep all manner of distractions in the car ready for use — toys, drawing paper and crayons, GameBoys, books on riddles and puzzles… anything that you can use to keep them occupied. For long journeys, try not to stop when your child is asleep. Instead, make your stops when the kids are awake, as these are invaluable opportunities for them to burn their energy.

What is a safe car?

Sedan? 4-wheel drive? MPV? Buying a car is a complex affair, but apart from what they tell you in the brochures, these are some other considerations.

• Sedans have a very low centre of gravity, and are therefore less likely to turn turtle on you if you need to make a sudden swerve. However, the doors and seats are also much lower to the ground, around the same level as all other vehicles’ bumpers. In a side-collision, passengers are far more likely to get hurt. If you drive a vehicle with exceptional safety standards (think Volvos), then this impact is very effectively dispersed to other parts of the car. Side airbags will also help protect passengers.

• 4-wheel drives have a much higher centre of gravity and are therefore less stable in sudden swerve situations. However, they have become much safer in recent years, especially with SUVs like Ford’s new Escape 2.3L VICS which features the Control Trac II 4WD System. This cool addition automatically proportions torque (even when in motion) in order to decrease the likelihood of slipping, especially on wet and slippery surfaces. Other safety features like Anti-lock Braking System (ABS) with Electronic Brake Distribution (EBD) have made driving 4-wheel-drives safer, too.

• MPVs (or Multi-Purpose Vehicles) have become very popular in the last decade because they offer so much space to families. However, when all this space is filled up, the additional weight can make avoiding a collision a tricky affair. The vehicle is less predictable with a full load, and, because it’s taller, it is also harder to control in sudden swerves. But again, modern additions like ABS make them safer than they were before.

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Let me present you with a scenario: You come home one evening after a full day of shopping with the girls, and catch your man red-handed on the PC, surfing pornographic sites. There’s a picture of disproportionate blonde in a contorted sexual position on the screen, and he smiles sheepishly at you as his face goes from red to purple.

What do you do?

Well, naturally your first reaction would be to scream in bloodthirsty fury at his cyber-infidelity. (By now he is apologising profusely; his flustered eyes darting between your shopping bags and the PC screen, as he struggles to shut down his companion on his recent lustful adventure).

Then maybe you retreat into an abyss of misery (he has genuine remorse in his voice right now, and probably has a few sparkles forming in his eyes as the full realisation of what has happened hits him). Finally, you settle into a pensive state of depression that you’re determined to remain in until you feel much better, which of course you never do. (The ultimate guilt trip – he’ll be quite sure to never do it again, at least not in this lifetime).

But why did he do it exactly? When you asked him (read: SCREAMED at him) during your first reaction, he probably answered but you weren’t listening, having other thoughts on your mind like whether the scissors in the kitchen drawer were sharp enough to do a little hasty surgery on your dearly-beloved’s most-precious of organs. You probably asked him again a little later, when you began to descend into that abyss, and again he probably answered, but again it got lost in translation. By the time you were really ready to get an answer, he had probably given up trying to explain. Allow me.

Yes, men like porn

It’s true: I won’t deny that us men are big fans of pornography, and that we have all gone onto the Net to search for nude pictures of our fantasy women at least once. But believe me, we do get bored. Quick. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Women in the nude all look the same (no offence).

It doesn’t matter if it’s Cindi Margolis (Guiness’s Most Downloaded Woman) or Audrey Hepburn. After about three months of trying to find the ultimate in porn, we realise that there is no gratification to be found in the whole hyped-up medium anyway. They’re all homogenous products of clever photography and Photoshop.

But there is something else that is readily available on the Net: information. This is where a lot of us end up going to when it comes to fulfilling our sexual notions. Believe it or not, some of are actually interested in satisfying our partners in bed!

Erotic stories abound on the Net, and, in true trashy-novel tradition, most of them are written by women. There is no way on earth you would ever find us holding a Mills & Boon novel in our hands during our time on this planet. Still, we figure that if women write these fantasies, and other women read them, doesn’t it make sense that they are pretty much fantasies of women the world over? So, by us men reading these stories, we’re able to act out these fantasies for our partners!

Another example: There are thousands of guides out there for women to get better sex from their men. ‘How to Increase His Endurance’; ‘Getting That Multiple Orgasm’; ‘Make Him Your Slave’… and many, many more. These articles were written for women. They’re full of advice on how women can manipulate their partners so that they get better sex. It makes sense, then, that us guys should read these same articles and find out what we’re supposed to do. Manipulate us, please!

Men aren’t exactly ‘open’ when it comes to talking about our sexual needs. And despite women getting some great sex advice from those romance novels, we don’t see much of it rubbing off. So we carry on with our usual routine between the sheets, wishing we could play a little ‘cat-and-mouse’ around the kitchen. Women, it seems, do the same… but neither of us knows it. If only we did, we’d be able to have our very own episode of Tom & Jerry.

A friend of mine once caught his wife red-handed for surfing pornographic sites (I believe she was perusing the anatomy of Hugh Grant at the time; or, at least, his lookalike), and he told me that after they got over the first few minutes of shock, complete speechlessness and overall staggered heartbeats, they understood each other much better in bed. They opened up to each other, because each realised that the other was just as naughty. They spoke openly of what they would like to do to each other one day, and made plans in the general direction of having wild, unbridled sex. Most of the details are unprintable.

From good sex to great sex

My experience on the Net has been a wholesome one. I started out like many: finding the ‘juiciest’ sites where I could ogle at women for free, and looking up sources for getting quality porn at dirt-cheap rates. But I soon grew bored. In fact, in less than three weeks after getting on the Web, I had already outgrown this lusty habit, and had moved on to more productive surfing (read: erotic stories). Of course, at the time, I had no sex life.

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But when I settled down, I was frightened. The age-old adage that sex becomes a walk-in-the-park after marriage rang in my ears. Where it was once ‘hot’, ‘steamy’, and ‘wild’, after marriage it becomes ‘nice’, ‘good’ and ‘wonderful’. I was determined to not let this happen, but I didn’t know what to do. We had great communication, but I had lousy intuition and she had an even worse imagination. The signs of doom were on the wall.

If you watched the uncensored version of What Women Want starring Mel Gibson, you’ll understand what I mean. We know you have likes and dislikes in bed, and we wish we knew what they were. We’d be more than willing to accommodate you every need, I assure you. But Mel Gibson’s ‘sixth sense’ for hearing the woman’s thoughts (in the bedroom scene of the paranoid coffee-girl) in that movie is fictional. My bedroom isn’t.

So I did what I found a lot of other men in similar positions doing: I got the advice that was meant for women, reverse engineered it, and put it into practice. Whilst my wife subscribed to women’s magazines in her quest for an imagination, I started surfing the Net during my lunch break to develop an artificial ‘sixth sense’. I devoured everything I got my eyeballs on from ‘Oral Pleasure For Women’ to ‘Kama Sutra Defined’. I invested in some lingerie, both for her and for me (I never knew that my wearing a G-string could make a woman so ‘happy’). I looked up some fantasies that other women have, and figured out how I could act them out with my dearly beloved. I learnt all sorts of new tricks and, thankfully, most of them have worked.

She caught me red-handed on the Net gawking at a doctored image of Catherine Zeta-Jones once. But after I explained what I was really surfing for she smiled in anticipation. These days, we sometimes even surf together, searching far and wide for tried and true techniques and postures that guarantee us a fulfilling sex life. We have since learned to open up a lot more and right now, we use all the words in our considerably vulgar vocabulary on each other in bed, knowing full well what they really mean and enjoying every minute of it.

So the next time you catch your man eyeballing Britney in a two-piece bikini, smile, pull up a chair, and join him. You’ll see what I mean.

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It’s not just about being different. Body piercing is fast becoming a mainstream form of self-expression; the ultimate in saying, “Look, I’m not your average Joan, alright?” It is beyond the skinhead look, the fluorescent look and the temporary tattoo fad. Body piercing is about satisfaction.

It takes more than just a broken heart and a no-reason-to-live attitude to get a piece of jewellery attached to your body. It takes will; a will that not many people can claim to have. But testimony of your having that will lie in your having accomplished something ‘out there’, something truly ambitious… to go where few have gone before. To get a part of your body not normally associated to punctures marked for life, and to have a silver trinket adorn it as proof.

“It’s about personal satisfaction,” says Mabel, a body-piercer at DragonFly Body Art in Kuala Lumpur. Of course, there are some who just want to be ‘in’ with the crowd. But most of the time, it’s about a sense of achievement. According to Mabel, her customers are by and large young women. They especially like navel piercing, perhaps because it is the least intrusive and easiest to cover up if something goes wrong. I should let you know that she speaks with a pierced tongue on this matter. “In general, body piercing can fall into two broad categories: the trendy, and the erotic,” explains Mabel. “Trendy piercing is usually in locales that are easily viewed in the open like the face and the navel — places you want to show off. Erotic piercing is more private – the tongue, the nipples and other extremities.”

Trendsetting Perforations

The most popular targets of unusual body piercing are the navel and various areas of the face. Whilst the navel ring, which can sometimes even be a dangling piece of silver-and-stones, is a very sexy addition to a perfect tummy — assuming you have one — it says little else about yourself except that you’re a major turn-on. That a lot of women get the ring and then cover it up with t-shirts is another matter altogether.

Getting a ring on your eyebrow, however, speaks volumes about what your opinions are of yourself. It means that you don’t care who sees your ring: everyone is equal, and you don’t hide anything from nobody. A ring through the nose is quite common. Then, there is the bottom lip. Hardcore body artists have experimented with bars and rings through their cheeks, hands and chins. No flesh is safe.

There are some things to consider about these rings, though. Firstly, if you are a dancer or athlete or someone that uses their body a whole lot, it might be a bad idea to pierce these areas… unless the thought of getting a piece of clothing snagged on the bar through your eyebrow whilst you’re moving at the pace of a Java-charged jumping bean (Ouch!) sounds like fun. Even if you’re a model, and you’re on duty changing clothes at a rapid pace backstage, it’s a bad idea. If you sweat a lot, it’s a bad idea. Heck, you could probably come up with dozens of reasons NOT to get your bellybutton or cheek decorated.

Still, if you’re intent on experimenting with body piercing, these areas are the best place to start getting those holes punched. Why? Because if something does go wrong (heaven forbid) and you do get an infection, it’s much better to have it on your navel or eyebrow instead of your tongue or nipple (Ow!).

Erotic Pricks

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Okay, so maybe you are a hoochie-coochie woman, and derive sexual pleasure in every way that you can. Or maybe you want to give your partner something to think about when he’s not with you. Piercing your tongue and/or nipples is supposed to not only please you, but your partner.

The tongue is one of the strongest muscles in your body, and can give – as well as receive – a great deal of pleasure (as most of us already know). This is why French kissing is such a big deal, and why many people pierce their tongues for no other reason that to give their sex lives a boost.

Bars through your tongue or rings on your nipples can’t be seen by the general public, so there is no statement to make with them. Why say something if you can’t be heard, right? Nipple attachments have long been known to be regular features in the bedrooms of those well versed in advanced bodily unification techniques. Back then, they were merely clips, whipped out when the mood was right. Now, piercing makes metal accessories permanent features on the chests of both males and females. And, they’re a big turn-on.

It is advised that you don’t get up to any hanky-panky in direct relation to the body part you just pierced during the healing period, which normally lasts at least a month. This means no kissing (for tongue pierces). And no oral sex, either (unless you’re on the receiving end). And no curries, crunchy food or rare beefsteaks. Nothing that might ruin an otherwise perfectly harmless hole-through-the-tongue.

Getting your tongue can be quite a sobering experience. The reason that the bar is so long (when you first pierce it) is that for the next week or so, your tongue will swell up to twice its normal size. You’ll get all sorts of gunk oozing from it. White, sticky stuff is (apparently) quite normal; but yellow and green stuff is more likely a sign of an infection.

The Gory Details

Is piercing painful? Yes… at least it used to be. According to Mabel, she’s just learned a new technique for piercing that makes it near painless. How far that is true, I don’t know. She does, however, claim to lay all her clientele fears to rest the moment they walk in the door. Piercing at an established (and reputable) parlour like DragonFly is not expensive when you consider what you’re paying for. Then there is the question of jewellery, which they usually have on sale, too.

As with all other injuries to your body, you should treat your piercing with care and cleanliness. The last thing you want is for your tongue to go gangrenous and fall off.

For external piercings on your face (nose, eyebrow) and body (nipple, navel), keep a simple antiseptic handy. Make sure you turn the jewellery often, lest the healing process make the metal a permanent part of your body. For your tongue or cheek, make an antiseptic mouthwash your best friend for the next couple of months. Here, too, you should make sure you twist the accessory often to make sure you send the right signals to your body and tell it that you wounded it on purpose, and that it is not supposed to completely heal this particular wound.

Above all, keep it as clean as is humanly possible. Then you’re well on your way to stamping your mark in society as either the trendiest girl on the block or the most exciting. Either way, you’re bound to turn some heads.

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Do you remember the last time you were on the bathroom floor with nothing but your knickers on, your stomach wincing and the world spinning around you like a top? Do you sometimes spend the night in what is known as the ‘recovery position’: resting your head on the toilet bowl imagining it to be your pillow till morning?

At approximately 2 pm (morning, in this case) you wake up with a ton of bricks for what used to be your head, a hairbrush for what must have been your tongue and a needle cushion in your stomach. With eyelashes stuck together — thanks to that lovely Bobbi Brown mascara — facial pores that have become craters and eyeliner gone crusty around your eyes, you look like a nightmare. This is when you say, “I’ll never do this again” — a classic promise that we all make to break. Because the next time you need to get over some bloke you fancy who broke your fragile heart, you head straight for the tequila shots.

Hangovers happen to the best of us. The ‘happy juice’ makes us feel really good, but like everything else, overdo it and you’re in for a hard time. Apparently, though, it’s not the alcohol itself that’s the culprit (hard to believe, I know), but rather a by-product of ingested alcohol: acetaldehyde.

Your body breaks alcohol down into (among other things) acetaldehyde before transforming it into less harmful substances. Next, a host of depleted minerals short-circuits your nervous system whilst the acetaldehyde does further damage to your brains. Low blood-sugar sets in and this is accompanied by horrifying headaches and dry-mouth symptoms brought on by dehydration. If you don’t know by now, alcohol is a diuretic: it forces the evaporation of a vital portion of the body’s water. Coming off the effects of a mild overdose of depressant drug — like alcohol — leads you into nervous shock. Your nerves react by going into a relatively hypersensitive state.

The sum of all the above is nausea, head spins, twitchy nerves, grumpiness and general unpleasantness. Some report diarrhoea. Because I suffer from gastritis, I usually get a prickly acid feel in my stomach and even heartburn. Oh yes, the list of reasons to NOT drink again is very long in the morning, but look on the bright side: these symptoms are fantastic excuses for not going to work.

The severity of a hangover varies according to your age, ‘enzymatic capacity’ to deal with the poisons and the quantity you guzzle. So, the older you are, the worse it gets. The more you take in a shorter space of time, the more you’ll feel the alcohol. And if your physique looks somewhat anorexic, your chances of an almighty hangover are far greater than it is for lardy types.

But never fear — celebrating happy occasions or brooding over sad ones can turn out better with these tips… and the Miracle Cure for the morning after.

Preparing for the night out

• For starters, never leave home on an empty stomach. Pump yourself up with a hearty meal loaded with minerals and starch to absorb the alcohol so it doesn’t all go directly into your bloodstream.
• Next, water: I know its no fun having to run off to the ladies every time a George Clooney-ish dude starts chatting you up, but if you want to still like him in the morning, you must be sure to fill up with plenty of water before leaving home.
• Finally, bring out the blender and get the secret potion below ready for when you get home. Keep it close by, preferably next to your bathroom.
• It might be a challenge to squeeze these tips into your already tight beauty regime for that sizzling night out, but do it and you could save yourself a whole load of pain in the morning.

While you’re out

• Remember that dark beverages are more potent than lighter ones. Avoid brandy, red wine, bourbon and scotch and stick to gin, rum and vodka. Apparently, a bad chemical named ‘congeners’ occurs naturally in fermented drinks which explains why darker drinks have more ‘congeners’ than lighter ones.
• Whatever the colour, never date a cheapskate who only buys you cheap drinks…especially red wine. It contains an extra hangover-inducing poison called ‘tyramine’.
• Try consuming less than one drink per hour. The science behind this is that your liver breaks down alcohol at a rate of about one beer per hour. In my experience, alternating alcoholic beverages with non-alcoholic beverages always keeps my body hydrated.
• If all else fails and you know that you cannot handle another drink for fear of looking like a loser in front of the boys, sip on tea and pretend its whisky. You can also sit or stand next to a plant and water it with your glass’ contents.

When You Get Home

• Throwing up is good. It gets the alcohol out of your system so that it cannot cause more damage while you sleep.
• Never take analgesics (any form of headache pills) as they aggravate your stomach and may even worsen the hangover. If you’re the type that needs to pop a pill once back home, take a multivitamin. This is a good way to replace the lost nutrients and minerals.
• Julian Mokhtar, a rock guitarist and hard-partier by any standards, says that he attempts to down two large glasses of H2O as soon as he hits home. Works like a charm for me, too.
• Some swear by lime juice over a bowl of steaming instant noodles, while for others its pancakes and honey. In truth, any kind of food will do. The starch will help absorb the alcohol and protect your stomach’s walls from further damage while you sleep.

The morning after

• No coffee and certainly no alcohol. Eat (more so if you’re not feeling queasy) and go back to bed. Simple. Forget the age-old hair-of-the-dog technique (having more alcohol to calm your shattered nerves) unless you want to become an alcoholic.
• Personally, I love a shower when I rise (from the bathroom floor). There’s just something about it that works well for us girls, like washing that man out of your hair.
• As for makeup, be sure to clean your face. Yes, even if you did end up in someone else’s house. Clogged pores make us look scary.
• Finally, get your Miracle Cure (see below) ready and down it in one go.

The Miracle Hangover Cure Recipe

1. Take 2 aspirins
2. Take 200 mg cysteine (available at specialty food stores)
3. Take 600 mg vitamin C
4. Take 1 tablet vitamin B complex
5. Mix the following ingredients in a blender:

• 1 banana
• 1 small can Red Bull
• 6 large strawberries
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 1 cup orange juice
• 1-2 cups milk (or soy milk)
  ¼ tspn salt
• dash of nutmeg

Note: Drink it ALL up. If you can down it in one go, you shouldn’t have a hangover, anyway.

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