Does everyone hate you?

You’ve gone to great pains to make improvements in your life, and are now more confident, more beautiful and more focused than ever before. So why does everyone hate you?

You’d think they’d be happy for you. You lost ten pounds, ditched the guy that bullied you in front of his friends, moved out of your parents’ house and stopped your ridiculous addiction to Haagen-Dazs. You’ve never felt better about yourself.

And all your friends can say is “You’ve Changed.”

Well, of course you’ve changed — that was the point! You used to be a miserable girl that moaned about how unfair life was and spent Sunday’s in the garden with Mother. Now, you’ve got a life: Make-up by Mac. Hair by A Cut Above. Manolos on your feet. Evenings at the gym. Saturdays at the theatre. You’re renewed, you’re empowered — it’s the New, All-Improved You.

So why does everyone hate you?

The Fear Factor

“Change has a bad reputation in our society,” says Dr Dennis O’Grady, psychologist and author of Taking the Fear Out of Changing. “But it isn’t all bad. In fact, change is necessary to keep us moving, to keep us growing, to keep us interested. When people feel stuck and frustrated, it is often their fear of change that causes the problem.”

Your friends don’t like the fact that you are making changes and moving on in life, because they don’t want to be left behind. An All-Improved You puts them in a much less flattering light than before — they once thought of you as their equal. But with the new smile, new hairdo and new confidence, it’s hard to continue seeing you the same way.

When Nora and her friends finished high school, they plunged straight into the working world as telesales consultants and waitresses and cosmetics-counter salesgirls. The seven of them were frightfully bored of studying, and had no intentions of ever going to college. They hung out at shopping malls and beauty salons, whiling their time away while the rest of their schoolmates went back to books. They thought they were getting a head start on everyone else, and dreamed of promotions that would never come. They talked about their future plans deep into the night, when they would rent a house together and room-in away from their parents.

That day never came. And for Nora, it turned out to be a blessing.

“I was about to turn twenty-one, when I met an old schoolmate of mine, one of those that went on with her studies,” says Nora. “We only spoke for five minutes, but in that short conversation, I realised what I was missing out on — she had become so smart. I knew then that it was I who was getting left behind.”

Nora did some serious soul-searching. She had switched jobs seven times in four years, and her wages had not improved much. She looked around her room, and where she once thought she would see power suits and a briefcase she saw jeans and her work uniform. She was headed nowhere.

So Nora made some changes. She asked her family for financial support so she could get into college, and worked part-time on weekends to earn some pocket money. She changed her wardrobe: court shoes replaced sandals, skirts replaced jeans. But her old friends didn’t take her changes kindly. In fact, they became nasty.

“I remember their exact words,” recalls Nora: “‘You’re not the same, Nora.’ And right then, I suddenly recognised how alone I was. It was the most painful moment I can remember. I had never felt more scared in my life.”

The comfort zone

Nora and her friends were trapped in a comfort zone that Dr Judith Sills, a clinical psychologist, compares to riding a dead horse that doesn’t go anywhere. They liked things the way they were, and were quite happy with it. But, as Sills says, “Sometimes what’s dead is you.”

A chance meeting with an old schoolmate was what brought Nora back to life, and made her see the rut she was in. She suddenly realised her horse was dead, and she wanted to get off. And when Nora made that move, her friends (the other six) saw that their horses were dead, too. But unlike her, they couldn’t get off because they didn’t have the guts. Instead of feeling happy for her, they felt threatened.

“They resented that they couldn’t do what I was doing,” reflects Nora. “They knew they needed to make some changes, but were too scared to do so.”

When you start getting ahead of your peers, they feel endangered. The space that you occupy in the world grows, whereas their space remains the same. You seem more important than before, more substantial. Your change forces them to take a good, hard look at themselves and ask: “If she could do it, why can’t I?” The reason, of course, is because of their fears of change (see sidebar: No Fear of Change Here).

People who feel threatened by your growth can become your enemies overnight, as Nora discovered. One particular girl in the group instigated the other to turn their backs on her, leaving Nora friendless. She nearly quit to go back to her old life.

“They called me stuck-up and made me feel rotten and guilty about what I did,” says Nora. “They refused to speak to me. I started to hate myself for what I did, but I was stuck — I’d taken money from my family to go to college. How could I give it up?”

Luckily, circumstances forced Nora to continue her transformation, and she has no regrets about it now.

“I think what happened was that I outgrew my friendship with those girls,” says Nora solemnly. “Even if we were still on talking terms, I don’t think there’s anything we could find in common anymore. We’re not enemies. But we’ll never be friends again, either.”

Pressure to Change-Back

The emotional obligation that Nora felt is what Dr Dennis O’Grady calls ‘change-back pressures’. People will want you to revert to the old you. If you are willing to give up your newfound enlightenment for them, fine. But first ask yourself: what kind of friend would hold you back from progressing anyway?

“Remember that dealing with the All-Improved You is their problem, not yours,” says O’Grady.

If they can’t handle it, take pity: it means they suffer from low self-esteem, and need to make changes of their own.

When Lorna landed a great job in the city with an international public relations firm, her boyfriend was the first to say No. He wanted her to remain in their hometown, where she was an English teacher. She was terribly upset, but she dumped him anyway (and the rest of her family, who also didn’t agree with her decision) and moved to the city to start anew.

But things weren’t easy, and the change-back pressure was enormous at the beginning. “I wanted to go back to home so many times,” says Lorna. “Especially at the start, when I was broke and alone.”

But she made new friends, and found love again. She built herself a new support system from the ground up. Two years later, her family is now happy that she has done so well, although she never patched things up with Sammy (her ex-boyfriend).

“I was determined to prove to myself that I could do it. And I did.”

Ultimately, the people around you will be divided into those that do accept the new you, and those that do not… or will not. Whilst your relationship with the former will continue to prosper and grow, there will probably come a time when your friendships with the latter group will no longer be tenable.

As Lorna said to Sammy when she wanted to leave: “There is nothing wrong with my wanting to do this, but there is something wrong with you not accepting it.”

Don’t make others’ acceptance of you your responsibility, because it isn’t.

Face the Change

Don't fear change; embrace it.

According Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a practicing psychologist and author of Taking The Fear Out of Changing, the five biggest questions you face when changing are:

Fear of the Unknown

“Why is making this change so scary?” We are most at ease when we are completely familiar with our surroundings and sure of what the future holds for us. As a result, fear of the unknown can paralyze us. Looking that fear in the eye is the first step to take.

Fear of Failure

“What if I try and it doesn’t work — then what?” People expect to get everything right the first time. Don’t. Instead, take your time to work things out and get them right at some time or the other.

Fear of Commitment

“Why can’t I ever accomplish what I set out to do?” People are afraid to focus on what they want out of life. Their excuse is that they would be trapped by such a commitment. But you should try to be more honest with yourself, and commit to a few simple goals close to your heart.

Fear if Disapproval

“What if I commit myself to my goals and my friends don’t approve?” (Also known as the fear of rejection). When people make positive changes, their friends and family might say “I liked you better the way you were.” These are called change-back pressures, and there isn’t much you can do about them. If you change, somebody will likely disapprove. You will learn very quickly who your true friends are — the ones on your side.

Fear of Success

“If I’m successful, are people going to hate me?” When people get through their changes and are feeling good again, they sometimes feel guilty for it. But there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, and being proud of your achievements.

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The 5 Stages of Change

Change is also painful.

The Stage of Crisis

You feel you’ve got to change or else. You’re backed into a corner. It may be business or personal, but this sense of crisis is the wake-up call you need.

The Stage of Hard Work

Surprisingly, this is the stage that most people enjoy. It involves hard mental work, and may require you to take classes, read lots of books, network with business contacts and more. There is an empowering sense of control in this stage, and you will work hard to figure out the solution to your crisis.

The Stage of Tough Decision

This stage isn’t easy, but it is a relief. You feel glad that you’re making a commitment. Because you’re choosing a direction, there is a sense that just making this tough decision will free you. There is usually a feeling of optimism at this point.

The Stage of Unexpected Pain

This is the stage where you do all the right things but get all the wrong results. You are tempted to give up on your goal. People will recognise that you are very near success, and some will try to hold you back. It may take every creative bone in your body to drag yourself forward, but if you just crawl a few more steps from where you’ve been knocked down, you will be able to reach the next stage.

The Stage of Joy and Integration

Finally, the changes are a part of your life. You realise you are happy about the changes you have made, and they begin to pay off in a big way. You are enjoying your new job or your business takes a turn for the better. You may have lost some friends along the way, but you will feel that it was worth it.

Can you choose between friends or family?

When we were young and our parents frowned upon our choice of friends, our first reaction was to jump to her or his defence. But then, we age. And the older we get the more prone we are to indifferent shrugs that are supposed to say, “Well Mom, I’m old enough to make my own choices now, okay?”

But if they continue to question your social circle, what can you do?

Friends and family

“I left home,” says Zachary, 22, a room-in college student. “I got tired of having my friends insulted by my mother’s stares whenever I brought them over that I decided to start working part-time to pay for my lodgings.”

His mother was hysterical about it, of course (what would your mom say?), but his father was very understanding, and even offered to support his first few months. Zachary turned his help down, and he’s doing okay… except that he has not spoken to his mother since.

Most parents out there will no doubt baulk at the audacity of young Zachary for choosing to leave his family rather than do without his friends, but Zachary is resolute. Yet Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, thinks that he may have made the wrong move.

“A common adage is, ‘You can pick your friends, but you cannot pick your family’,” says Mr Wano. “If, God forbid, you do have to make a choice, you should choose wisely.”

Mr Wano is of the opinion that family will always be there — or at least they should be — but that friends may not. Walking away from his only mother that way could be detrimental to Zachary’s relationship with her, and lead to more family problems in the future… whether his father supported his decision or not.

“She’s a nag,” says Zachary. “And overprotective. I am twenty-two now. Isn’t that old enough for me to make my own decisions?”

Zachary’s friends are punks… or at least they try to be. In reality, they all come from average middle-class families with intact marriages and a couple of siblings to bully. At college, they sport the styles of their hip MTV generation: long hairdos, hipsters and earrings. But at home, says Zachary, they are far less flashy and obtrusive.

“I tried telling my mum all this, but she won’t listen,” Zachary complains. “She never does!”

Mr Wano may think that family should always come first, but he doesn’t discount friends completely. Firstly, the family should genuinely care for you. Else, the equation is ruined.

“Hear what your friends have to say — they have your best interests in mind. Listen to what your family has to say — they have your best interests at heart,” Mr Wano theorises.

When family comes first

Of course, while many of us may wish we had the guts to do what Zachary did, we also know that it is a very big decision to turn our family away like that.

Claire, 20, is like many girls: she loves-but-hates her mother, does not really talk to her father much and generally prefers being with her girlfriends to staying at home. During her first semester, Claire hardly ever saw her family. She would leave for college first thing in the morning, and come back as late as possible in the evening. But when she had to, she still chose her family over her friends.

“It’s not that I didn’t like my family,” she says. “It’s just that I didn’t want to see them then.”

Even on weekends, Claire would leave notes saying she was going to be out working on group projects or putting some extra hours studying with her friends. But when the first semester break came, Claire found herself with nowhere to go at 7.30am. The prospect of breakfasting with her family for the first time in three months was intimidating, but it didn’t scare her. She hardly knew them anymore. But she also missed them. Claire remembers that first weekend she spent at home very fondly.

“Yes, Mom’s a nag,” Claire says, rolling her eyes but with a small smile on her lips. “But she takes good care of me. I do love her.”

“To be honest, I was very afraid at all I had missed,” Claire says. “My father looked so old to me all of a sudden, because I hadn’t really had a good look at him in so long. And my brother — he had long hair! They had all changed so much in three months.”

Soon, the new semester started and Claire went back to college. She was reunited with her friends, and spent the first week or so following her old schedule — leave at 7.30am, come home at 11.00pm. But then she realised she was making the same mistake.

“I didn’t want to miss a whole chunk of our family life like I did the last time,” says Claire.

Claire told her friends that she couldn’t hang out with them so much anymore, expecting them to understand. Instead, they harassed her — How long are you going to let your parents run your life for you? They are your past, but we’re your future! Claire was terribly upset.

“What they didn’t realise was that I wanted to spend more time with my family,” says Claire.

Bill Cottringer, author of You Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too and a socio-cultural researcher says that it is important to balance your time between work, friends and family — each deserves their share of your time.

“Be open and honest as to who needs you most at any given time,” says Cottringer. “And if you don’t have the time, say it assertively, never complaining.”

Claire faced off her friends and told them calmly that if she had to choose, she would choose her family. She also told them that their friendship meant a lot to her, and she hoped they wouldn’t force her into having to make a choice.

“They respected me for that,” says Claire. “And I think that our friendship has actually grown since then, because there is a lot more appreciation for each other, now. You can’t buy that.”