Fun lovin' in the sun!

Girls just wanna have fun…

… and boys just wanna have sex. One of life’s dumbest axioms, but there is some truth to it. College changes your ideas of entertainment in a way nothing else can. You’re above eighteen, and discos are suddenly very real attractions. There’s Starbucks, too. And the movies. And shopping.

But although everyone would like to get on in life by just having fun, it just doesn’t work that way (unless you’re a Hilton Heir, which doesn’t count). That’s not to say that you can’t have any fun — what would college be without it? But it must not get to the point when you’d rather sip on a latte than be at tutorial.

There is also the question of where to draw the line between entertainment and stupidity. Dancing the night away can be a lot of fun, but is quickly ruined by drugs or too much alcohol. The best way to know if what you’re doing is acceptable is to imagine Mum seeing you at it: will she be merely annoyed, or will she be break into tears? Annoyed is okay; tears are not.

Year One

Night heat:

You’ll be tempted to experiment, but we should warn you to stay away from full-fledged clubs (the kind with the largest dance floors and brightest lights) for now. Most of the time, they’re for above-21s anyway… and with good reason.

Day breaks:

This is more up your alley, and we encourage you to find ways to let off your steam during the day instead of the night during your first year. Think: shopping, Starbucks, movies and park outings.

“Me” time:

AThere is nothing like time alone to reflect and relax. We recommend settling into an alone-time routine throughout your days in college. Oh, and ‘Me’ time does not equal sleep time.

Year Two

Night heat:

The neon lights are calling you seemingly every weekend and the music never ceases to get you grooving. Now that you’re settled, feel free to party now and then… but only if you think you deserve it, and if you can afford it.

Day breaks:

These will seem pretty humdrum affairs to you by now, but they’re still important. Ideally, your clique should be more coffee-sippers than Margarita-guzzlers, too. It’s cheaper and (somewhat) healthier. Try to take the lead.

“Me” time:

This will possibly be your favourite way of unwinding by now, and that’s good for you. As long as you don’t start feeling lonely, you should continue this therapy as long as you can.

Year Three

Night heat:

Okay, sweetheart: time to shelve the dancing shoes and sequin skirt — the party’s over. Don’t feel sad, though. You’ll be partying more than ever when your Finals are over.

Day breaks:

Without the clubbing, do you see why these day breaks are so important? Even so: how much time do you have to while away at Starbucks if you still haven’t mastered Calculus yet?

“Me” time:

Now, it’s easy to start dealing with exam pressure by (over)sleeping it away, but this is not going to help you much in the big picture. Not enough sleep is bad, but too much can be devastating. It becomes a hard, terrible habit to kick. Try simple meditation exercises instead.

In the College Lifeseries:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Bad influence is everywhere.

That people change so much through the course of their lives is just one reason why friendships are put to the test so often. Our friends discover new interests that are different from ours, and soon, we have trouble relating to each other. What usually happens is that they will encourage us to take up their new interests too, thereby keeping the friendship going. But what happens when the things they want you to pick up go against all your principles? Do you compromise your morals to keep a friend?

It’s not often that you find the people you cherish in your life fall prey to the scourge of drugs or alcohol, but it does happen. And when it does, the stress that it puts on your relationship with them can be debilitating.

Aaron’s tale is a sad one. He and Adam had been friends for nearly twenty years when Adam lost himself in a bottle. Although Aaron and he had spent many a drunken night in bars together, there was always some sense to their binges, and it was never more than twice a week. But two years ago, Adam began asking Aaron to hit the bottle with him almost every night.

“I would never say no to Adam, so I went along with it,” says Aaron quietly. “But after a couple of weeks, I had to start turning him down. But even then, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. It was just because I couldn’t keep up with him.”

But why the change in Adam? Nothing had changed in his life. There was no tearful break-up with a girlfriend, no one had died in his family and his business was thriving. Aaron reckons that Adam had simply picked the bottle up once too often, and suddenly found it hard to put down. He makes no guesses as to what made Adam the alkie he had become, but he did know one thing: their friendship was definitely on the rocks.

Buddy, don’t preach

Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life, reasons that how we see others is often determined by how much we share their values.

“Typically, we get along with people that share certain interests,” says Wano. “But individuals that share our values are the ones that become our closest companions.” Any decisions that Aaron makes regarding Adam’s behaviour will be based on how much Aaron values their friendship.

“You certainly want to be there for your friends and help them cope with their problems, whether it is with drugs or alcohol or some other terrible habit,” says Mr Wano. “But they must be willing to help themselves; they need to value your support.”

That was what was wrong with Aaron’s friendship: Adam didn’t recognise that there was a problem. As far as he was concerned, getting sloshed virtually every night was just ‘unwinding’.

“I loved him so much, and I hated to see what he was becoming,” says Aaron. “But he wouldn’t listen to me. I felt like strangling him.”

Bill Cottringer, a socio-cultural researcher and author of You Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too,, does not think anyone will have much luck in preaching about positive changes to people like Adam. But he does think that ‘living right’ and remaining a friend and role model can bring about some good.

“Your actions will always outspeak your words,” says Mr Cottringer. “Everyone is evolving morally and developing themselves at different paces. We all have to do this on our own schedule.”

But what is ‘living right’, after all?

The value of values

Maryanne and Adeline were once good friends in college. They double-dated and stuff, and had a lot in common. When Adeline had her first one-night stand, Maryanne giggled along with her as she recounted her adventure. But it was half-hearted, full of misgiving and fear.

“I didn’t approve of it,” says Maryanne, 25. “I’d always thought of Adeline as a very reserved girl, so it came as quite a shock when she told me about her affair. I found myself questioning my friendship with her.”

Maryanne decided to overlook the whole thing and pretend it never happened, because there was still so much to like about Adeline. But when it happened again a few months later, Maryanne couldn’t help but cry.

“Always stick to your values,” write Graham and Julie, advisors and founders of Desktop‑Meditation.com. “They are yours and no one else’s. When you forget your values a voice goes off in your head that says, ‘You shouldn’t have.’ You would have destroyed your equilibrium, and entered a world that is not yours but someone else’s.”

Values are becoming scarce. Seriously.

Still, Maryanne remained silent over the whole thing. Then one night, when they were celebrating the end of the semester, she witnessed Adeline in action at a disco. She felt uncomfortable, to say the least. Maryanne had no choice but to talk to Adeline about how she felt right there.

“She didn’t take it well, and told me it was none of my business how she lived her life,” says Maryanne. “That hurt a lot.”

According to Graham and Julie, the more you want to live according to your values, the more you will be tested and the more you will learn.

“It may be difficult to watch friends slide into a different world, treating you differently because you refuse to be drawn into it too,” they say. “But success and freedom can only come by being true to your own values.”

It would have been easy to succumb to the exciting lure of free sex, but Maryanne chose not to. Slowly, she dropped out of their circle of friends completely, banished as a ‘stiffy’ that ‘didn’t know how to have fun.’

“It wasn’t easy to do,” says Maryanne. “But I asked myself a simple question: would I be able to live with the guilt of having thrown away all the morals that my parents struggled so hard to teach me just because of my friendship with Adeline? The answer was No.”

Friends and acquaintances are not the same. The former are firmer, more important relationships that you need to nurture and pay attention to. But the latter you can afford to lose. Mr Wano’s advice is simple: if you find yourself sharing similar interests, but are constantly at odds over values (in Maryanne’s case, this would be Adeline’s casual attitude towards sex), you may need to reclassify those friends as acquaintances.

Aaron still keeps in touch with Adam, but in his heart he knows that their friendship is wasting away. He has stopped trying to tell Adam to lay off the drink, because it was becoming an issue between them — Adam loves Aaron, but doesn’t take too kindly to his advice.

“Is my friendship with Adam worth all this trouble?” says Aaron. “You bet. And that’s why I’ve not had a drink with him in over a year. I think I’m a better friend by not encouraging his habit.”

Crack baby dolls.

“Crack babies” was a term often thrown around in the media in the late-80s that referred to infants who were born to cocaine-sniffing mothers. It was discovered that these babies had great difficulty in absorbing input from their surroundings, resulting in ‘slow’ learning… even by the age of twenty-four months. They were left behind in almost all areas of child development, and frequently, had to undergo special training.

Crack babies call themselves stupid. Yet subsequent research seems to indicate that these babies were only affected in ways similar to that of other drugs consumed during pregnancy such as tobacco and alcohol. Apparently, there is little difference in the damage caused by smoking versus the damage caused by snorting coke.

The danger, then, is not really in being born to addicted parents. It’s in growing up with addicted parents.

What they don’t know will hurt them

Brad and Lucy (not their real names) are a couple with very modern ideas. They only son, Shaun, just turned four. But they are not married, civil or otherwise. Their fundamental principles on child upbringing differ considerably from conventional tradition… particularly with regards to their rules of exposure.

“As long as Shaun does not know exactly what it is we are doing, it is no different from smoking or having a beer while watching television,” says Lucy. “Besides, it’s only a little pot — what harm did that ever do?”

Of course, a young child who cannot tell right from wrong will obviously not be able to tell a cigarette from LSD. But the difference in the addictive qualities between smoking and narcotics is clear. According to Chris Sekar, Substance Abuse Counselor at Gleneagles Intan Behavioural Counselling Centre in Kuala Lumpur, cigarettes are not socially dysfunctional, but more of a health hazard. Drugs are a different kettle of fish altogether.

“Nonetheless, a large percent of drug users start off with cigarettes,” he cautions.

He’s right: there never was a drug abuser who did not start off smoking. When you don’t know what’s good for you – or don’t care – smoking can easily give way to heavier stuff, usually marijuana. After that come the pills. Then, when nothing ‘buzzes’ you anymore, comes the heroin.

The same goes with alcohol, candy and sex. Habits lead to dependency, and dependency is just another word for addiction. It does not really matter what is being consumed, but how it is consumed. A substance addiction in a household — any substance — invariably results in children who are easily addicted.

There is a fine, grey line between addiction and habit. Many people do not realise when they cross it. Shaun’s dad, Brad, does not think they have, and therefore believes that rather than setting a bad example for Shaun, they are demonstrating self-control.

“The trick is to make sure that you’re always in the driver’s seat — not the other way around,” says Brad hotly. “All you need is to make sure that you do it in moderation. One joint a day, one trip a week. No more. That’s what we are teaching Shaun.”

The trouble is, children often don’t learn the lessons we expect them to, do they? Up until age five, you tell your child your opinions and hear them echoed back to you as their own. But after that, everything you teach them is coloured by their own perception of the world. Your once-a-day rule may not be a good enough disincentive for them to try to do it twice a day… you know, just to see if they have more self-control than you.

Children synthesise instructions according to their own prejudices. But that doesn’t mean they stop learning.

Learning, always learning

Because the rituals between their families and those of their friends are so different, children of dope-consuming parents quickly learn how their home lives differ from those of their friends. An average family dinner at the home of Brad and Lucy, for instance, is often followed by what they call “a fat joint” — while his parents get stoned, Shaun plays with his Spiderman action-figure. By contrast, his best-friend’s family has dinner, settles down to watch a sitcom and has ice-cream as a nightcap.

“Children are not naïve,” warns Chris. “By the age of seven to ten, most children with dope-addicted mothers or fathers will already have a good idea that their parents are somewhat ‘different’ from their schoolmates’.”

Contrary to what Brad and Lucy think, Chris believes that the probability of Shaun growing up to become a substance abuser is significantly higher than for normal children because the social learning theory and role-modelling of his parents is so different from his friends.

“The informative years are crucial,” says Chris. “Where clear principles and boundaries are shattered, the child is exposed to confusion. Parents who use drugs indicate to the children that their parental priority is drug use.”

Children are told every day that drugs are bad by school teachers, the government and the media. Seeing their own parents take drugs will naturally confuse them.

“How do you think this would affect them?” warns Chris. “Their sense of worth and self esteem will naturally deteriorate. Drugs will provide an escape to comfortably numb the realities.”However, Lucy remains adamant that there’s nothing wrong in using marijuana or a little cocaine as a lifestyle drug.

“Sooner or later, Shaun is going to be confronted with the prospect of drugs,” she contends. “Isn’t it better that we teach him moderation now, rather than he pick it up later and possibly do it without our knowledge?”

The notion that it may be best to not teach him anything about drugs at all does not seem to occur to her.

Of course, Brad and Lucy do not actively tutor Shaun in the art of getting stoned. But then Chris thinks that Shaun may not need to actively participate in the ritual in order to accustom himself to the act anyway.

“Cigarettes, for example, are more harmful to the non-smoker because the exhaled fumes are more toxic,” explains Chris. “Conversely, ‘chasing the dragon’ (heroin) in a child’s presence in a poorly ventilated room can induce addiction.”

Theoretically, child could become so used to getting high in his living room that he starts to crave for it… even more than for his PlayStation.

But that’s not the bad news. The bad news is that it is going to be much harder for the child to quit than it is for his parents, because the way he first formed the habit means that it is very deeply ingrained and will not break easily.

“The children of these (drug consuming) parents will certainly have a harder time kicking the habit than addicts who acquire it through society,” says Chris Sekar. “Boundaries on relationships have been broken. The child would have witnessed drug abuse in its various forms. There is a lot of shame and guilt to cope with, and he has to rewrite his script and skills to live life on life’s terms. ‘Instead of giving me protection, you gave me your addiction’ is a lingering pain,” Chris explains.

Denial

Being a drug addict is no fun, as many an addict will testify. It gnaws away your pockets first, then later, your life. Bit by bit, it picks your very existence apart, until you want nothing more than to know where your next ‘hit’ is going to come from.

Brad and Lucy are not at the stage where the drugs have taken control of their lives… yet. But the same could be said about a dozen other bad habits that children are exposed to during their adolescence and early youth — smoking, drinking and eating candy excessively all start off as fun… until the habit starts to control you.

That’s the way it is with addiction — you think you can control it, and in the beginning, you succeed. But in time, as your body becomes dependent upon the stuff, you lose control. And you never see it coming; you’re never aware of it. It just happens. One day you wake up and find that you have crossed that fine, grey line. By then, it’s too late — you’re an addict.

Although Brad and Lucy seem confident that they can teach Shaun to tell the difference between excessive substance use and controlled substance use, there is no way they can be sure. Shaun may well learn something different: escapism, self-deception and the pure pleasure of getting ‘high’. In any case, his idea of family dinners will always involve marijuana afterwards, and his childhood memories of Sunday afternoons will always have a round of “chasing the dragon”.

Unless he forms new ideas of what is ‘normal’ family time, Shaun will one day watch his own son play video games while he keeps a date with Lucy in the sky… with diamonds. How frequently he dates her, of course, remains to be seen.

That’s a risk Brad and Lucy either cannot see, or don’t want to see.

Naturally, it’s too early to tell. After all, Shaun is only four. But addiction is a slippery slope, aye, and once you’ve slipped, few find their way back up.

I’ve been smoking since I was twelve, and I never thought that I’d be doing it this long. How did I start?

Well, to begin with, both my parents were smokers.

One can only hope that little Shaun is stronger than I.