Be like her and you won't need the car.

It’s easy to become irresistible to men. Don’t believe us? Check out these easy-to-follow steps!

1. Always be well-groomed

   Think of the woman whom you consider to be the best-dressed babe in your office — what kind of responses does she evoke from your male colleagues? Respect? Awe? Lust? It’s easy to understate the importance of being well-groomed, yet a good-fitting suit — one that accentuates the right curves and hides the flab — does wonders for your personal outlook.

   
   

   “It’s called the halo effect,” explains Steven Jeffes, author of Appearance is Everything (Sterling House). “People who are attractive are presumed to possess higher levels of intellect and motivation, they’re presumed to be friendlier and more outgoing, as well as perceived to be capable of far greater accomplishments than those who are not. It’s all based on perception.”

   Well-groomed does not mean expensive or even beautiful. You may never be a movie star, but at the very least, you can look pleasant. So, take a good look at yourself and your wardrobe. Are you wearing clothes that suit your body type? Do you have at least one nice dress to use on dates, one that really brings out your best features, one that has never failed to make heads turn? What about your hair — are you maintaining it at a suitable length? The ‘halo effect’ can not only help your career, but can also make you one of the hottest assets around.

2. Learn how to cook

   ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,’ goes the old saw. So, if you know how to cook, you’ve already won half the battle. And if you know how to cook well, then I don’t know why you’re reading this in the first place!

   How to cook bacon.

   Cooking does not mean fried chicken or instant noodles (even if it does come with veggies and tuna). Cooking means curries, pies, soups, stews… and none of that out-of-the-packet seasoning. Not many men know how to cook themselves, but they all have mothers and they know the difference between a real home-cooked meal and a poor, instant imitation.

   If you don’t know at least four or five dishes already, then pick up a cookbook (I recommend anything by Jamie Oliver — his recipes really do work!) and start experimenting. Cooking is an art, and the only way to improve is through practice. The hypnotic effect good food has on a man — any man — is well documented. Cook your target a curry or something and you’ll leave an indelible impression on his mind.

3. Laugh a lot

   It’s been said that the most attractive characteristic a man can possess is a powerful sense of humour. Well, the same is true for women … to a certain extent. Although it’s usually the man who is expected to make the woman laugh, all men can appreciate a woman who can do the same in return, especially one who can laugh at herself.

   Men and their jokes are often insensitive to women, which is what made Catherine 23, so appealing to Brad, 25: she was able to laugh right along to his buddies’ jokes about women’s PMS.

   “She listened attentively and laughed out loud when the punchlines hit, even though the jokes were aimed at her sex,” recalls Brad. “It made me think: now here is a woman who is a lot of fun — I’d like to get to know her better.”

   The one thing that usually makes men better friends than women is that they know when a joke is a joke, even if it’s aimed at them. They don’t take things as personally as women are likely to. If you can learn to detach yourself in this way, you’ll be one of his favourite people to hang around with — always irresistible.

4. Don’t be Needy

   Although the movies and songs tell you otherwise, men actually love women who are independent enough to take care of themselves. Needy women mean high-maintenance, and most men to not want that kind of burden on their time and energy.

   The Needy Woman.

5. Read a lot

   Although you don’t have to be a nuclear physicist to hold a conversation with a man, most men — the ones worth knowing, at least — do expect a degree of intellect that is at least equal to their own. In the airline hospitality industry, stewards often joke about whether a woman could be a wife or only a girlfriend. Dumb blondes always fall into the second category.

   Yes, it’s true that some men are intimidated by women who seem smarter than them. But these blokes are not the ones we’re interested in, are we? Insecure men (or women, for that matter) are like orphaned earrings: you never know whether to keep them in the hope that they find what it is they’re missing; or whether to throw them out because they’re only cluttering up your space. But you always end up doing the latter anyway.

   Read books that stimulate thought. Do a general knowledge quiz or IQ test now and then to sharpen your wit. Watch documentaries instead of those dumb reality TV shows. All of the above will help make you more interesting and more appealing — intellectually — than before. Now, even if he does get bored of gazing into your eyes, he’ll never get bored of hearing you speak.




6. Be a Smiley, not a Grumpy

   

   A smile never goes out of fashion.

   Smileys have always met with more success than Grumpies when it comes to making friends. A pleasant grin lights up your eyes and makes you glow, giving you a radiance that no amount of make-up or exercise can do. It is a universally-accepted way of showing your agreeable nature, and is easily the most effective way of becoming more sexy and attractive in an instant.

   If you’ve got nothing to be happy about, then you’ve got to start from the bottom up. Start smiling even if you don’t feel like it. Soon, the smiles will come easier to you, and you’ll be able to do it without thinking. Keep it up, and you’ll turn your downward-turned lips into a pleasant, sunny face — one he’ll enjoy seeing anytime of the day.

7. Respect his space

   When men date women they lose some of their personal space. There is nothing wrong with that — by dating you, they are agreeing to let you into their world to see how you like it. But like your space, their space is personal and to intrude upon it everyday will make him feel crowded.

   “I couldn’t stand the way she just wanted to do everything with me,” says Alan, 26, in recalling a girl whom he used to date. “Whether it was going to the pub or playing a game of football, she just had to come along. I felt choked. There was no room for me anymore!”

   You have to learn to tell how close is too close (see our sidebar: Just How Much Space Is Enough?), and once you know the boundaries, stay out of them. A woman who can respect a man’s space like that will be his favourite gal for a long, long time.

8. Know a little about sports

   David Beckham is probably the best thing that has happened to football in the last hundred years. Why? Because he has elevated the popularity of the game to a level hitherto unheard of, a level that includes an audience of women.

   In Bend It Like Beckham, Parminder Nagra plays the role of a football-mad girl who wants to play soccer. How I wish my girlfriends were like that when I was young. But whilst men will never expect you to tell a banana kick from a drive, they will appreciate it if you could tell the difference between Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal.

   My dream girl.

   Women who are able to dig the World Cup are in particularly high demand when the competition comes around every four years. Why not start doing your homework now? Better yet, why not choose a team to support?

9. Have a hobby

   Women who are bored are unattractive because it looks like they do not value their own time and space. Men are very drawn to women who have an engrossing hobby of some sort, one that they can retreat to every now and then. Partly, it’s because by having that hobby, you are declaring that your life is very much your own and is separate from his. But it is also the indefinable attraction that men have for a woman who is concentrating on something.

   So, why not take up something interesting like photography or writing or paragliding? Women who write poetry are said to be very intriguing to men, because the prose they compose is often beyond the comprehension of the male mind (and very often beyond the female mind, too). Women who can sing and play the piano or guitar are particularly sexy. There are thousands of possible hobbies out there — pick one up that interests you, because that will keep you interesting to him.

10. Sharpen your bedroom skills

    
    

    Ah, I suppose this was to be expected. You cannot expect to be irresistible if you don’t know how to get it on. But it’s more than just sex. You have to be able to give the impression that you know every trick there is to know without needing a live demonstration to prove it.

    We’ve all met a man or woman who has given us the feeling that he or she knows a thing or two about carnal pleasure. Yet, these same people do not appear slutty or cheap, because they’re not. It’s in the sparkle in their eye when they look at you, or in the way their lips curl into a smile. You feel like giving yourself up to them and letting them do what they will with you, because you’re positive that they know best.

    Do your research — on the Web, in women’s magazines, the DVD shop — and learn all you can about sex. It’s the one thing that never goes out of fashion with men.

How much space is too much space?

Trouble brewing.

The trouble with boys…

… is that they’re not much fun if they’re smarter than you. And college is positively chock-a-block full of smart alecs who really do believe what their Mum’s told them about the world being their oyster.

In any case, there’s a pretty good chance that college will be your first experience of getting into a relationship… and all the difficulties that comes with it (what do you think all those broken-heart songs are for?). Not all boys are as nice as we’d like them to be, especially when they’re far away from home (i.e., foreign students are the ones you ought to be most wary of). But there are certainly a load of cute, intelligent boys that you can count on being your knight in shining armour should the need arise. The trick is to not rush into things.

Year One

The friendly guy:

Let’s face it: you’re no Jennifer Garner, so not every guy has to worship the ground you walk on. Some guys just want to be friends (seriously — we asked). During your first year, all males should be friends only. No exceptions.

The special guy:

Regardless of what you just read above, you will single someone out as the guy you’re most interested in. Perhaps he’s really smart. Or funny. Or a Beckham look-alike. Or whatever. But our stand remains the same: friends only.

The dangerous guy:

You’ll know this guy from the way he makes you — and every other girl in college — weak at the knees. Beware! Breathtakingly handsome and usually rich, he’s always on the prowl for ‘fresh meat’… and you’re perfect.

Year Two

The friendly guy:

The Friendly Guy — he who said he’ll ‘always be there for you’ — will start to wander. He’s got new, male friends. But he’s not ditching you, and he’s not gay. It’s just that guys aren’t hung up about friends the way girls are —he’s just being his usual, friendly self. It’s not personal, and you’ll be hard-pressed to find a truer friend than he.

The special guy:

Either one of you would have made your move by now (it’s nice to live in this liberated age and time, isn’t it?), and things are purring along nicely. Still, things should not be physical between the two of you yet. Be patient, will you!

The dangerous guy:

He’s still as dashing as ever, although you don’t feel faint every time he smiles at you anymore. Keep your guard up, though!

Year Three

The friendly guy:

Here’s a secret: guys are naturally logical people, and can do very well in science or mathematical subjects if they put their minds to it. You’ll find a friendly guy invaluable if you’re weak in an area like this during your exam year.

The special guy:

Trouble may be brewing as the pressure bears down on both of you. Your relationship can either grow from this experience, or flounder. The best advice we can give is to put all matters of the heart on the backburner for this time, until the Finals have gone and sanity and order return.

The dangerous guy:

If he’s still there (they’re usually seniors), he could pull the good ol’ “Would you like some help with that sum?” trick on you as a last gasp effort. Don’t fall for it.

In the College Life series:

• College life: new freedom, new independence
• College life: new friends, new rules
• College life: your body, your health
• College life: boys, boys, boys!
• College life: study hard, study smart
• College life: fun, fun, fun!

Men want commitment, too



Tell no secrets.

You’ve dropped some hints — about having babies, about how nice it would be to have a place of your own, about growing old — but he’s resolutely refrained from asking The Big Question. Finally you ask yourself: “Why is he do scared of commitment?”

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but maybe it’s just that he scared of commitment with you. Men look forward to having kids of their own and growing old with someone they love as much as women do (after a certain age, admittedly). And, like women, they want it to be with the right person. However, unlike women, men are never going to say Yes just because “because their heart tells them so”.  They need more than a flutter in their stomachs to commit to anything.





Men fear rejection, too

Beneath their crusty, shiny exterior, men are really all softies squirming with insecurity. They are terrified of being rejected; they actually hurt more deeply than women do because of the need to keep up that ridiculous macho charade. Women that tease men will often find themselves hated by the opposite sex, because men will come to view them as “risky” — the chance of such a woman rejecting you out of pure fun is too high.

This guy obviously can't handle rejection.

”Playing hard to get,” is another ploy that men do not take kindly to. Although it may seem to you the best way of keeping him interested, all you’re really doing is showing him that you can play games with his heart. Unless you’ve starred in America’s Top Models, you may want to reconsider this strategy — most men would gladly take their chances elsewhere.

Men want to be the biggest, fastest, bestest ever



The man any decent boy dreams of being one day.

Yes, men all seem to have a fixation for the longest, biggest and fastest everything. This is because of that little boy inside every man, with his huge insecurities, just dying to Be The Best He Can Be. He wants to a super-duper-achiever, and gain recognition for it from his Mom, his girlfriend, his kids, his next-door neighbour.

When making a decision, a man will choose the the path that displays him in the most powerful light. If it’s the wrong choice, he finds himself in a pickle: being in that powerful light means he cannot show weakness – he cannot admit that he was wrong. So, he shows anger instead. It lets him mask his other emotions, and preserve the sanctity of Little Boy with the Big Problems inside. My advice is this: let him have his way. Deep down, he knows his mistake anyway.

Men like gutsy women

In this age of liberated females, nothing turns a man on more than to have a woman call his mobile phone and ask him to dinner. Better yet, to have her buy him that dinner, and then take him home to her place to watch a movie she chooses.

Men are tired of always having to be the one to make the first move (and risk rejection). Men are tired of having to remember to pick their underwear up off the floor, in case they might have a visitor to bring home. A woman who takes the initiative is, to be a frank, a welcome change.

Men don’t like make-up

This is a guy, believe it or not.

Is Britney really that good looking? No. As a woman, you know that underneath all that make-up, she’s just another plain-old Caucasian girl with freckles and whiteheads. But why do men seem to ogle over her so? It must be the make-up.

Now, this is a little difficult to explain. Although men like looking at women that use their foundation, mascara, rouge, eye-liner and lipstick plus gloss, they don’t fancy being in the company of one. The moment they see you up close, they start analysing your make-up, searching for flaws you might be trying to hide. It detracts from your natural beauty, which is what they’re really interested in. (Hey, are you still going to have all that make-up on in the morning?).





Men don’t like being changed

One of men’s greatest fears is not being loved for who they are. They are terrified of being loved for who they could be, which is not quite the same. In fact, it’s an insult. You may be certain that he would look terrific in a tailored suit, but you’re never going to make him think so. And even if you do, you’ll never make him feel more comfortable in an Armani than a pair of jeans.

If you start making suggestions about the way a man should dress or behave, he will grow suspicious of you, and why you’re with him in the first place. If you fell in love with him in jeans, leave him in jeans. Changing him threatens the Little Boy. He’ll begin to wonder if he ought to get out of jeans just to keep you loving him – now, that would be a terrible pity, wouldn’t it?

Men dislike “The Spot”



What happens to a man when you put him on The Spot.

Sometimes, it’s because you catch him eyeing a woman with to-die-for legs at the mall. You ask him if he thinks the woman pretty (he says No). You ask him if you look fat (he says No). You ask him if your hair seems limp (again, he says No). You ask him several more questions, leading him to The Spot. He writhes, he squirms, but there’s no way out. Then it comes: “What can I do to make you more attracted to me?”

He could have been honest and said the woman was a real knock-out, but that would have hurt you (see #7). And you knew he was lying… else you wouldn’t have asked him all those questions. But you couldn’t it leave it at that, could you? Oh, no. You had to put him on The Spot.

Please don’t. Ever.

Men lie with good intentions, too

The “Am I fat? — No, you’re not” conundrum has been bandied around for decades without us having to go over it again. Yes, men will lie to get themselves out of a tight spot. But that’s not the only reason.

Men are sensitive to other people’s needs and wants, too. And, they will lie to make sure they don’t hurt your feelings — or anyone else’s — even if it’s at their expense. A man will not “say it to your face” if he can help it, and would rather suffer a date with the girl of his nightmares than hurt her.




Men are more loyal than you think





The boyfriend who tried, but could not resist.

Men have a terrible reputation to live up to, when you think about it. They’re supposed to be zipper-free, virginity-conquering bigamists, with an appetite for variety and spice surpassed only by their appetite for fried chicken and football. But most of them are nothing at all like that… and not surprisingly, either.

Almost all men are loyal husbands and boyfriends. Unless you see lipstick on his collar and his belt buckle, he probably really was just having a drink with his boss after work. Men really are not as sexually charged as women think, and are more concerned about work and their career than sex.

Men are not all the same

Men don’t ALL like football, they don’t ALL enjoy farting and they don’t ALL think about sex ALL the time. In fact, men stopped being like each other — hell, they made a conscious effort to do so — several decades ago, when the first books that analysed the male psyche appeared. Since then, they’ve tried very hard to differentiate themselves from one another in a gazillion different ways. So, don’t compare them with each other, alright?

Women are more intuitive than men



Surprise, surprise -- Men talk more than women!

Entire books have been written on the subject. Songs have been sung about it. Movies have been made around it. But in truth, there is no such thing as “Women’s Intuition”. Sorry.

Scientific studies dispelled the myth that women are more intuitive than men ages ago. However, some research does suggest that women pay more attention to detail than men do. Anthropologist Ashley Montagu says that women are more sensitive to colour discrimination — where a woman would say “ebony”, a man would simply say “black”. It’s this attention to detail that makes it seem like women have more intuitive sense than men, because they notice the subtler signals in a situation that men usually miss. But mind-reading? Puh-leese.
2.    Women are talkers; men are listeners
Surprise, surprise: men have the bigger mouths, after all!

Studies have repeatedly shown that men talk more than women do in virtually any given situation (except arguments, perhaps), from as far back as 1951. In the most recent study by the linguist Marjorie Swacker, three pictures by Albrecht Durer were presented to men and women separately. They were then asked to describe the pictures, and were timed — the idea was that whoever took longer were obviously the more elaborate talkers. The scientists bet on the women talking longer; the gamblers bet on the men. But the results caught everyone by surprise.

Women took an average of 3.17 minutes for their descriptions. The men took an unbelievable 13.00 minutes.




Men blame themselves more than women do

He didn’t get the promotion he was counting on, and he’s really down in the dumps. You see the signs of his impending breakdown draw around him. You know those signs; you’ve had them before. Right now, he’s just disappointed. But soon, he’s going to be beating himself up with bitter regret and thoughts of, “I could have done it if only I….” And then, outright anger will set in. It’s an implosion in slow motion.

Fast talking baby girl.

Except that the breakdown never happens. Wonder of wonders, in a couple of days, he’s back on his feet and as cheery as a canary on a sunny Sunday.

The fact is that women are much harder on themselves than men are. They assume responsibility when things go wrong, even if there was no way they could be to blame. Need proof? Well, ask yourself this: why do women use apologetic phrases more than men like “I’m sorry” and “Excuse me” so much?

 

Men give more detailed explanations

Remember #2 in this list? Well, although men do tend to talk a whole lot more than women, they don’t necessarily say much more. Women still offer much more detail about an incident or their day at work than men, which is an odd contradiction when you stop to think about it — where does all his breath go?

Although men can give more detailed explanations about something, they often choose not to, preferring to be efficient in their communication rather than exhaustive. Women, on the other hand, give you the gory details anyway… whether you want to hear them or not.




Men don’t touch others as much as women do

Wrong again. It seems that men are touchy, feely people, too.

Research has proven that men are more likely to touch people than women, whether male or female. When in male company, it’s by backslapping or handshaking. When in female company, it’s by doing gentlemanly acts like helping women in and out of cars or leading them through a doorway. Nancy Henley, professor of psychology at the University of California, found that men touched women four times more often than women touched men, believe it or not. However, it’s important that women do not interpret these touches as sexual advances, especially if it’s on her back or shoulders. We said ‘gentlemanly’; not ‘sexually’!

Men don’t listen as well as women

You pour your heart out to him, and his face remains impassive. He shows no signs of listening to you, let alone understanding anything you’re saying. Why is he ignoring you?

Well, he’s not. It’s just that men look less attentive than women when being spoken to. Sally McConnell-Ginett, a researcher at Cornell University, found that women are more inclined to say “um-hum” than men when listening to another person. Men, on the other hand, are as cool as cucumbers, and prefer to remain blank and expressionless. Why? So they don’t lead the speaker into thinking that they either agree or disagree with what they’re saying!

Men are less emotional when they speak

Real men can cry now.

Rubbish. The only reason it seems that way is because men express their emotions differently from women. It’s all a question of style.

Paul Ekman from UCLA found that whilst women typically have five different tones in their speech, men only have three. That’s why women appear to be more emotional than men — those peaks and valleys in their speech really dramatise things… even when they’re saying the same thing as the men!

Also, women’s speech is much more animated and their body language more distinct, making them more interesting and engaging. Add to that the fact that women are more likely to cry or have a quaver in their voice when talking about something bad, and it’s no wonder you think men are such cold creeps.

Men ask more questions than women do

Nope. Surely you’ve realized by now that virtually all men are Mr. Know-it-Alls. So, if they know everything, why should they ask questions?

If there is one general assumption about men that is correct, it is that men really are egotistical creatures. Asking questions mean that they’re not in the know about something, which would be utterly devastating to their self-esteem. Therefore, they remain silently ignorant… unless they’re pretty sure no one around them has the answer anyway. That’s why male scientists don’t mind asking questions about the origins of the universe, but refuse to call up their mothers for the family’s chicken stew recipe.

Men are equally anxious to talk about safe sex and STDs

I hate to disappoint you, but although men may be concerned about safe sex and STDs, they are much less likely to bring up the subject. In her book He Says, She Says professor Lillian Glass says that 70-percent of women (compared to 30-percent of men) were the first to bring up a problem… including such topics as birth control and HIV tests.

Although men are as aware as you about the dangers of unprotected sex and STDs, they are also more embarrassed when it comes to talking about it. They think that women ought to take care of intimate matters of their relationship like these serious subjects, and will wait for them to bring them up before offering any ideas of their own.

Men laugh at the same things women do

A man’s idea of a good laugh.

Whatever gave women the idea that men find gynaecological jokes funny, I don’t know. Men are men, for crying out loud — which part of that sentence do you not get?

Research shows that whereas women’s jokes tend to be more focused on word play and puns, men’s jokes are more sarcastic and abrasive than women’s, and far more aggressive. When it comes to laughter, men and women do not see eye-to-eye. So leave your penile dysfunction gags and your soiled pad anecdotes for your girlfriends, please.

TYPE 1: The Trumpet Blower

Photo credit: numberstumper. Click on image to visit.

Typically sounds like…: I’m a cool dude with a sense of casual easiness. I’m very funny, with a dash of wicked humour at times. Extremely suave if I do say so myself.

Now, that’s not so bad, is it? Nothing wrong with hiding your flaws with a cool, composed confidence. Type 1 seems to be just what he says, but you should be careful for that very reason: no man would ever claim to be ‘extremely suave’ unless he is targetting gullible 18-22-year olds. Hey, would you ever advertise yourself as ‘drop-dead gorgeous’?

Advice: Type 1 has a dark side to him, and you should tread carefully. He could be anything from a serial killer to a serial dater. He knows it. He’s just hoping that you don’t know it.

TYPE 2: The Hunter

Typically sounds like…: Me? I’m just looking for a bit of ‘fun’ (hint hint). As long as you’re discreet, anything can happen, right? …It would be even better if you yourself are committed but just want to have some fun on the side.

That introduction could pass off as a harmless joke. Except that this excerpt came from a married man of forty, who stated his preferred match as a lady “between 20-28”. Type 2 advertisements start with hints, but usually end up pretty bluntly. Thankfully, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what he’s after.

Advice: Always read between the lines when answering the personals. Sometimes, men too can mean ‘yes’ even when they say ‘no’.

TYPE 3: The Guesser

Typically sounds like…: I guess that due to my job I don’t have time to search for my other half. I love to go to the movies, but I’m always alone. I guess I would love to find someone to share my life with. I’m lonely, I guess.

Type 3 doesn’t really know what he’s after, and can be a source of bitter disappointment. The trouble with him is that he hasn’t even decided for himself whether he wants someone or not. It could be that he’s been hurt many times before and is still not sure whether or not he should start looking for someone new. Or, he knows he needs someone, but doesn’t have a clue as to what sort of person she should be. With this type, the phone calls taper off, your email goes unanswered and he eventually drops off the face of the planet.

Advice: On any given day, the fickle man is far worse to know than the fickle woman. Contact him of you wish, but don’t get your hopes up too high and always be ready for an inconclusive end.

TYPE 4: The Honest Blunt

Typically sounds like…: Very open minded by nature, wild & naughty at times. 165 cm, 55++ kg, average height but slightly under weight for a guy. God has given me a gift: I look much younger than my age. See it to believe it. I’m looking for a friend … but who would know what would happen after a week, a month, a year? Nothing fat and ugly, please….

No doubt about it, Type 4 is as honest as the day is long. But although this virtue is highly-prized, I don’t know if you’d appreciate his candour for long. You can depend on Type 4 to be conscientious in his communication with you, but he’s not for the faint hearted — expect him to point out your flaws to you, as though you weren’t already aware of them yourself. Although not completely agreeable, he is at least reliable.

Advice: Try to appreciate Type 4’s candidness. Otherwise, look for someone more subtle.

TYPE 5: The Desperado

Typically sounds like…: Interests are travel, meeting people, outdoor sports, listening to music, nature, clubbing, shopping, water sports, billiards, cars, computers, internet, dancing, football, gym, aerobics, hiking, motor racing, mountain climbing, cinema, etc….

Type 5 seems to be interested in an awful lot of things, but how does anyone find that kind of time these days? They don’t. Type 5 is afraid of narrowing his appeal too much by being in any way specific about what his interests are (online searches often match people according to interests). He is desperate for any company, no matter what they like doing or where they are from.

Of course, a person’s marketability should hardly be determined by what they enjoy doing. But consider this: would you really hook up with someone who forces himself to enjoy the polka as much as you just because he can’t find anyone else?

Advice: Keep an eye on Type 5, and maybe later when he’s a little more experienced with the personals, he’ll be able to tell you more about what he likes.

TYPE 6: The Best Friend

Photo credit: crystalflickr. Click image to visit photographer.

Typically sounds like…: If you have questions on computers, ask me. I am quite an “ugly” man, so if you’re looking for someone who’s macho or handsome, turn the page. I may be boring, but I am very caring. I want someone to chit-chat with between 20-32, loves IT, and cannot be too ugly or too pretty!

Type 6 won’t do well as a life-time companion perhaps, but you can’t deny his sincerity. A man who steps forward and declares himself ugly faces getting no responses to his ad whatsoever, what more requesting that girls who reply not be too pretty, either.

With this in mind, you can be pretty sure that Type 6 has no ulterior motives, and probably just likes to chat a lot. He balances his honesty with reality. Type 6 fits the best friend role very well. He has no false hopes about getting any further in a relationship, and, best of all, is content with that. Count on him to never let you down when you need someone.

Advice: Treat him kindly. If he is as ugly as he says he is, don’t tell him so. Pay him the due respect that he gives you.

TYPE 7: The Plainly Spoken

Typically sounds like…: I am looking for a like-minded woman to have an affair with. I love to experiment, if you know what I mean. No pretenders, please.

Bravo. Type 7 doesn’t mince his words. Married, bored and not even willing to go through the normal procedure of ‘let’s meet first’ before cutting to the chase, he uses the personals not to fill anyone’s life with meaning, but only to fulfill his own perverted desires. There is no deciphering with Type 7. Everyone can figure him out… or so it seems. Just what does he mean by ‘experiment’, exactly?

Advice: If you’re gung-ho about having affairs with married men and would like to expand your sexual horizons too, then have fun. Others – even the curious – should stay clear.

TYPE 8: The D.O.M. (Dirty Old Man)

Typically sounds like…: 54, Single; am looking for an athletic, intelligent, woman (25-35) who is self-reliant and who can deal with a travel schedule which can be hectic (USA, Europe, or around Asia).

See it? The man is looking for women half his own age! Type 8 is choosy about who he wants in life, and has obviously settled his heart on remaining single for the rest of his life. He wants no life-partner; only temporary maidens whom he hopes to attract with his money and opportunity for travel! A self-centred male chauvinist, Type 8 only wants women in their prime — not before, nor after.

Advice: Get a life. No one needs to take up with Type 8.

TYPE 9:  The Forgotten Deal

Typically sounds like…: Looking for someone (35-45) with an open heart, has natural beauty without makeup, not too demanding, sincere in her relationships, likes to help people and knows how to cook.

Type 9 is usually a forgotten 60-year-old who has just woken up and discovered that he is no longer the youthful bull of his prime. Uh oh. Time to find a woman to take care of him in his old age. Either that, or it’s a sad case of his ex-wife being dead or having just left him. Either way, you wonder why.

Advice: You shouldn’t really have too much to worry about with Type 9. He knows his time is past. It’s up to you.

TYPE 10: The Real Deal

Typically sounds like…: I am a businessman; I wear glasses. I am romantic, understanding, and love ladies who are fair. I love meeting friends and outdoor activities. I’m looking for someone loving, romantic, understanding, charming, clean and tidy. Homely and sporting, thinks of family up-keeping. Looking for marriage-minded ladies for long term relationship.

This is it. Type 10 has all the qualities of a genuine, candid and worthwhile personal advertisement. He is both honest about his looks and what he’s looking for. He knows what he likes, and what he doesn’t. Therefore, you can take everything in between as the truth so far as he knows it.

Advice: Type 10 is the ideal balance between honesty of self and sincerity in expectation. Ending on the note that he does, don’t waste his time unless you’re serious about it, too.

Photo credit: nicubunu. Click image to visit photographer.

Let me present you with a scenario: You come home one evening after a full day of shopping with the girls, and catch your man red-handed on the PC, surfing pornographic sites. There’s a picture of disproportionate blonde in a contorted sexual position on the screen, and he smiles sheepishly at you as his face goes from red to purple.

What do you do?

Well, naturally your first reaction would be to scream in bloodthirsty fury at his cyber-infidelity. (By now he is apologising profusely; his flustered eyes darting between your shopping bags and the PC screen, as he struggles to shut down his companion on his recent lustful adventure).

Then maybe you retreat into an abyss of misery (he has genuine remorse in his voice right now, and probably has a few sparkles forming in his eyes as the full realisation of what has happened hits him). Finally, you settle into a pensive state of depression that you’re determined to remain in until you feel much better, which of course you never do. (The ultimate guilt trip – he’ll be quite sure to never do it again, at least not in this lifetime).

But why did he do it exactly? When you asked him (read: SCREAMED at him) during your first reaction, he probably answered but you weren’t listening, having other thoughts on your mind like whether the scissors in the kitchen drawer were sharp enough to do a little hasty surgery on your dearly-beloved’s most-precious of organs. You probably asked him again a little later, when you began to descend into that abyss, and again he probably answered, but again it got lost in translation. By the time you were really ready to get an answer, he had probably given up trying to explain. Allow me.

Yes, men like porn

It’s true: I won’t deny that us men are big fans of pornography, and that we have all gone onto the Net to search for nude pictures of our fantasy women at least once. But believe me, we do get bored. Quick. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Women in the nude all look the same (no offence).

It doesn’t matter if it’s Cindi Margolis (Guiness’s Most Downloaded Woman) or Audrey Hepburn. After about three months of trying to find the ultimate in porn, we realise that there is no gratification to be found in the whole hyped-up medium anyway. They’re all homogenous products of clever photography and Photoshop.

But there is something else that is readily available on the Net: information. This is where a lot of us end up going to when it comes to fulfilling our sexual notions. Believe it or not, some of are actually interested in satisfying our partners in bed!

Erotic stories abound on the Net, and, in true trashy-novel tradition, most of them are written by women. There is no way on earth you would ever find us holding a Mills & Boon novel in our hands during our time on this planet. Still, we figure that if women write these fantasies, and other women read them, doesn’t it make sense that they are pretty much fantasies of women the world over? So, by us men reading these stories, we’re able to act out these fantasies for our partners!

Another example: There are thousands of guides out there for women to get better sex from their men. ‘How to Increase His Endurance’; ‘Getting That Multiple Orgasm’; ‘Make Him Your Slave’… and many, many more. These articles were written for women. They’re full of advice on how women can manipulate their partners so that they get better sex. It makes sense, then, that us guys should read these same articles and find out what we’re supposed to do. Manipulate us, please!

Men aren’t exactly ‘open’ when it comes to talking about our sexual needs. And despite women getting some great sex advice from those romance novels, we don’t see much of it rubbing off. So we carry on with our usual routine between the sheets, wishing we could play a little ‘cat-and-mouse’ around the kitchen. Women, it seems, do the same… but neither of us knows it. If only we did, we’d be able to have our very own episode of Tom & Jerry.

A friend of mine once caught his wife red-handed for surfing pornographic sites (I believe she was perusing the anatomy of Hugh Grant at the time; or, at least, his lookalike), and he told me that after they got over the first few minutes of shock, complete speechlessness and overall staggered heartbeats, they understood each other much better in bed. They opened up to each other, because each realised that the other was just as naughty. They spoke openly of what they would like to do to each other one day, and made plans in the general direction of having wild, unbridled sex. Most of the details are unprintable.

From good sex to great sex

My experience on the Net has been a wholesome one. I started out like many: finding the ‘juiciest’ sites where I could ogle at women for free, and looking up sources for getting quality porn at dirt-cheap rates. But I soon grew bored. In fact, in less than three weeks after getting on the Web, I had already outgrown this lusty habit, and had moved on to more productive surfing (read: erotic stories). Of course, at the time, I had no sex life.

Photo credit: motleypixel. Click to visit photographer.

But when I settled down, I was frightened. The age-old adage that sex becomes a walk-in-the-park after marriage rang in my ears. Where it was once ‘hot’, ‘steamy’, and ‘wild’, after marriage it becomes ‘nice’, ‘good’ and ‘wonderful’. I was determined to not let this happen, but I didn’t know what to do. We had great communication, but I had lousy intuition and she had an even worse imagination. The signs of doom were on the wall.

If you watched the uncensored version of What Women Want starring Mel Gibson, you’ll understand what I mean. We know you have likes and dislikes in bed, and we wish we knew what they were. We’d be more than willing to accommodate you every need, I assure you. But Mel Gibson’s ‘sixth sense’ for hearing the woman’s thoughts (in the bedroom scene of the paranoid coffee-girl) in that movie is fictional. My bedroom isn’t.

So I did what I found a lot of other men in similar positions doing: I got the advice that was meant for women, reverse engineered it, and put it into practice. Whilst my wife subscribed to women’s magazines in her quest for an imagination, I started surfing the Net during my lunch break to develop an artificial ‘sixth sense’. I devoured everything I got my eyeballs on from ‘Oral Pleasure For Women’ to ‘Kama Sutra Defined’. I invested in some lingerie, both for her and for me (I never knew that my wearing a G-string could make a woman so ‘happy’). I looked up some fantasies that other women have, and figured out how I could act them out with my dearly beloved. I learnt all sorts of new tricks and, thankfully, most of them have worked.

She caught me red-handed on the Net gawking at a doctored image of Catherine Zeta-Jones once. But after I explained what I was really surfing for she smiled in anticipation. These days, we sometimes even surf together, searching far and wide for tried and true techniques and postures that guarantee us a fulfilling sex life. We have since learned to open up a lot more and right now, we use all the words in our considerably vulgar vocabulary on each other in bed, knowing full well what they really mean and enjoying every minute of it.

So the next time you catch your man eyeballing Britney in a two-piece bikini, smile, pull up a chair, and join him. You’ll see what I mean.

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Photo credit: The Pug Father. Click image to visit photographer.

Styling

Sporty, practical or boxy — what stage of life is he in?

The average Joe almost always wants to have a sporty car, and if he’s young and unattached and has money to splurge, he will express his boyishness with a car that is eye-catching (red, black or yellow) and sleek. However, this does not mean it has to be fast — fast cars are an expensive indulgence for the very wealthy. Even a mini can be accessorised with a bodykit and made to look like a lean, mean racing machine… and some of them really are!

On the other hand, a Responsible Man approaching the age of Settling Down And Having Children usually drives something a lot more practical and spends little on accessorising his vehicle other than tinted glass to make it more comfy. Think grey or blue sedans in their original colours, the kind of cars you see everyday and don’t look twice at. This is a man often dedicated to other priorities, such as his career, his savings, his Ikea-furnished apartment, his dog… and yes, his wife. This man is solidly reassuring, rarely exciting and, unfortunately, usually taken.

If you’re dating a man with a boxy, van-type ride, such as an MPV, then I’ve got bad news: he is already a family man. This is the type of car the Responsible Man (above) trades up for in anticipation of kids, a servant and trips to the beach. Make no mistake about it: men do not buy MPVs to pick up girls. If he’s doing so with you, you may want to check for a pair of stilettos under the front seat (see “Hidden Secrets”, below).

Hidden Secrets

High-heels, roll-on, shoe polish, toys and garbage bags

A car has many nooks and crannies that guys fill up with stuff they don’t want to see… and don’t want seen by others. This is typical guy behaviour, of course (just wait till you see his refrigerator), and in no way discredits him. It’s what he’s hiding that’s really interesting.

Firstly, evidence of Another Woman, possibly a Permanent Resident may be found in a pair of high-heels (check under front/rear seat or boot), used to walk from the car to the restaurant and back again, but nowhere else. A tube of hand cream (glove compartment) may be used to combat hot weather, but not by a guy. You might even find a pair of torn pantyhose stuffed into the door compartment. If you’re particularly unlucky, however, you’ll come across ladies underwear in the back seat, too.

The glove compartment is a treasure trove of information and almost as private to a man as his wallet. Here, you may find signs that he is somewhat smelly — roll-on and perfume are both suggestive of this unfortunate flaw that otherwise nice guys sometimes have. You may also get an insight into his character if you find shoe polish: he either insists on looking good at all times or he is habitually late for appointments. A bag of garbage is good: he has at least enough civic consciousness to not throw rubbish out the window.

Finally, do you see a child’s toy in the backseat? This could belong to his nephew or niece like he says (less probable — they would have taken it with them when they left), or to his own children which you’ll never meet (more probable). Hint: remember that children’s toys are often not what they seem. A drinking straw, a clothes hanger, a cooking ladle or even an empty cassette case are all favourite baby toys. But what you really don’t want to find, what truly stands out as an awful reflection of the guy’s character, is an electric shaver… with a car charger attached to it. I shouldn’t have to tell you that this means he is a slob — be warned!

Ornaments

Stuffed toys, bumper stickers and those ridiculous, bouncy-headed nodders — what’s his male psyche?

Ornaments are a big part of what makes a man’s car his, because this is about the only way he can differentiate his vehicle from the next. But how he utilises his dashboard space and interior walls go a long way towards explaining the type of person he is.

Start with the dashboard: does it have one of those annoying, wobbly-headed nodders? The kind that nods goofily at you while you’re stuck in stop-and-go traffic? If there is a nodder, what is it? A cartoon character? A celebrity? Does it look like a free gift put there on impulse, or did he actually (ugh!) buy the dirty, smelly little thing, and make it the pride and joy of his cabin?

Ok, so there’s no nodder. Fine. Let’s move on to stuffed toys: teddy bears, cats and other assorted animals are an almost sure sign of the presence of a Female Permanent Resident that he’s not telling you about (guys don’t dig Garfield tissue-box cases, no matter what they say). However, don’t be surprised to find a pair of furry dice hanging from his rear view mirror or some throw pillows in the backseat… although lacy covers should be construed as a red flag.

Bumper stickers are a good way to gauge his Wit Quotient — are they clever, or clichéd? They are also an excellent peek into his psyche (“NoUniversityAtAll” and other such declarations of independence could imply issues with his self-confidence), whilst offering even better clues into his working life — all work and no play makes John a drag.

Finally, if you don’t see any decoration at all — nothing hanging from the rear view mirror (religious artefacts don’t count), nothing in the rear window space, no clever bumper stickers and no dashboard ornament — then you can count on him being an extremely intriguing, hard-to-judge man. He does not believe in expressing his ambitions, philosophies and disappointments in his surroundings, so you’re going to have to figure out all of that stuff by yourself. Enjoy!

Sounds

Loud and obnoxious, clattering and wheezy, silent and steady — what type of man is he?

If there is one characteristic about his car that is most easily identifiable in him, it is the way it sounds… and we’re not talking about his choice of music (although that says a lot, too).

There is a myth that all men love cars. Not true. A clattering, wheezy engine tells you two things about a man:

1. He does not really care what you or anyone else thinks about his car; and,
2. Even if he did, he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it because he does not know much about cars.

Here is a man who hears his sick car crying for help but (gasp!) cannot be bothered to do anything about it — a rare breed indeed. Unfortunately, this also means that he does not take care of any of his other possessions, either — to him, all material gain is temporary and he places zero importance on them.

And then there is the silent purr of a well-maintained engine, all cylinders firing, the exhaust sensibly quiet as it should be. This is a man who likes hearing his car run well, and when it does, he feels good. The slightest squeak is a cause for concern. He opens the bonnet every weekend and spends several hours cleaning, polishing, tuning and caring for his vehicle. You will feel ignored, but you should not be so hard on yourself: after all, the car was there before you.

Of course, if a man has tuned his car to be loud enough to wake the devil, then you can bet on him having an equally loud and overbearing personality that will drown your voice and opinions in heated arguments. He has modified his car to be like that because he is fed up of being ignored on the road. He wants to be seen and heard. He has deep-seated issues with his self-worth that you will find hard to unearth, and you’ll have to put up with his childish revving in the dead of the night when he wants to announce his arrival.

He wants to be King. Hear him roar.

Cleanliness

Polished to shine, mud-splattered roadster or dust magnet — how much does he really care about himself?

Photo credit: wickenden. Click image to visit photographer.

If the way a man cares for his car on the inside is an indication of how well he takes care of his belongings (see “Sounds”, above), then the way he cares for his car on the outside hints at how well he takes care of himself.

A car that is always clean and polished, with the mats all dusted and the windscreen always bright, shows a man who is concerned about his health and looks and goes to great lengths to ensure that both are in tip top condition. A well-groomed car implies a well-groomed driver, and a well-groomed driver implies a well-groomed bill of health. Ask him why he cares so much for his car, and he’ll answer “Because I love myself”. You can either love or hate this in a man, depending on whether you think you should top his list of priorities.

On the other hand, a mud-splattered, sandy car with months of grime that cannot hope to ever be removed smacks of a man with an unhealthy diet, greasy hair and poor self-projection. He thinks that his car will last without care, and tends to believe the same thing about his body. He wants to use it for as long as he can and with a minimum number of overhauls, maximising his investment in it and disregarding all its pleas for a little tender love and care. He intends to do the same with his physical body. Ask him why, and he’ll answer: “It’s just a car.”

The man with a dusty ride and water-streaked windows straddles the space between these two extremes. Here is a man who works hard for his money, driving in the city every day. The neglect he shows for his car and his health is probably due more to being pressed for time than stubborn indifference. Ask him why he does not show his vehicle more respect and he’ll answer: “No time.”

At least you won’t have to worry about his car coming before you.