Net porn is good for him… and for you!
Can’t get over your partner’s porn-surfing? Why, you should be glad he’s is into porn! Here’s how you can turn his nasty habit into something fun… and how you can get in on the act.
Photo credit: nicubunu. Click image to visit photographer.
Let me present you with a scenario: You come home one evening after a full day of shopping with the girls, and catch your man red-handed on the PC, surfing pornographic sites. There’s a picture of disproportionate blonde in a contorted sexual position on the screen, and he smiles sheepishly at you as his face goes from red to purple.
What do you do?
Well, naturally your first reaction would be to scream in bloodthirsty fury at his cyber-infidelity. (By now he is apologising profusely; his flustered eyes darting between your shopping bags and the PC screen, as he struggles to shut down his companion on his recent lustful adventure).
Then maybe you retreat into an abyss of misery (he has genuine remorse in his voice right now, and probably has a few sparkles forming in his eyes as the full realisation of what has happened hits him). Finally, you settle into a pensive state of depression that you’re determined to remain in until you feel much better, which of course you never do. (The ultimate guilt trip – he’ll be quite sure to never do it again, at least not in this lifetime).
But why did he do it exactly? When you asked him (read: SCREAMED at him) during your first reaction, he probably answered but you weren’t listening, having other thoughts on your mind like whether the scissors in the kitchen drawer were sharp enough to do a little hasty surgery on your dearly-beloved’s most-precious of organs. You probably asked him again a little later, when you began to descend into that abyss, and again he probably answered, but again it got lost in translation. By the time you were really ready to get an answer, he had probably given up trying to explain. Allow me.
Yes, men like porn
It’s true: I won’t deny that us men are big fans of pornography, and that we have all gone onto the Net to search for nude pictures of our fantasy women at least once. But believe me, we do get bored. Quick. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Women in the nude all look the same (no offence).
It doesn’t matter if it’s Cindi Margolis (Guiness’s Most Downloaded Woman) or Audrey Hepburn. After about three months of trying to find the ultimate in porn, we realise that there is no gratification to be found in the whole hyped-up medium anyway. They’re all homogenous products of clever photography and Photoshop.
But there is something else that is readily available on the Net: information. This is where a lot of us end up going to when it comes to fulfilling our sexual notions. Believe it or not, some of are actually interested in satisfying our partners in bed!
Erotic stories abound on the Net, and, in true trashy-novel tradition, most of them are written by women. There is no way on earth you would ever find us holding a Mills & Boon novel in our hands during our time on this planet. Still, we figure that if women write these fantasies, and other women read them, doesn’t it make sense that they are pretty much fantasies of women the world over? So, by us men reading these stories, we’re able to act out these fantasies for our partners!
Another example: There are thousands of guides out there for women to get better sex from their men. ‘How to Increase His Endurance’; ‘Getting That Multiple Orgasm’; ‘Make Him Your Slave’… and many, many more. These articles were written for women. They’re full of advice on how women can manipulate their partners so that they get better sex. It makes sense, then, that us guys should read these same articles and find out what we’re supposed to do. Manipulate us, please!
Men aren’t exactly ‘open’ when it comes to talking about our sexual needs. And despite women getting some great sex advice from those romance novels, we don’t see much of it rubbing off. So we carry on with our usual routine between the sheets, wishing we could play a little ‘cat-and-mouse’ around the kitchen. Women, it seems, do the same… but neither of us knows it. If only we did, we’d be able to have our very own episode of Tom & Jerry.
A friend of mine once caught his wife red-handed for surfing pornographic sites (I believe she was perusing the anatomy of Hugh Grant at the time; or, at least, his lookalike), and he told me that after they got over the first few minutes of shock, complete speechlessness and overall staggered heartbeats, they understood each other much better in bed. They opened up to each other, because each realised that the other was just as naughty. They spoke openly of what they would like to do to each other one day, and made plans in the general direction of having wild, unbridled sex. Most of the details are unprintable.
From good sex to great sex
My experience on the Net has been a wholesome one. I started out like many: finding the ‘juiciest’ sites where I could ogle at women for free, and looking up sources for getting quality porn at dirt-cheap rates. But I soon grew bored. In fact, in less than three weeks after getting on the Web, I had already outgrown this lusty habit, and had moved on to more productive surfing (read: erotic stories). Of course, at the time, I had no sex life.
Photo credit: motleypixel. Click to visit photographer.
But when I settled down, I was frightened. The age-old adage that sex becomes a walk-in-the-park after marriage rang in my ears. Where it was once ‘hot’, ‘steamy’, and ‘wild’, after marriage it becomes ‘nice’, ‘good’ and ‘wonderful’. I was determined to not let this happen, but I didn’t know what to do. We had great communication, but I had lousy intuition and she had an even worse imagination. The signs of doom were on the wall.
If you watched the uncensored version of What Women Want starring Mel Gibson, you’ll understand what I mean. We know you have likes and dislikes in bed, and we wish we knew what they were. We’d be more than willing to accommodate you every need, I assure you. But Mel Gibson’s ‘sixth sense’ for hearing the woman’s thoughts (in the bedroom scene of the paranoid coffee-girl) in that movie is fictional. My bedroom isn’t.
So I did what I found a lot of other men in similar positions doing: I got the advice that was meant for women, reverse engineered it, and put it into practice. Whilst my wife subscribed to women’s magazines in her quest for an imagination, I started surfing the Net during my lunch break to develop an artificial ‘sixth sense’. I devoured everything I got my eyeballs on from ‘Oral Pleasure For Women’ to ‘Kama Sutra Defined’. I invested in some lingerie, both for her and for me (I never knew that my wearing a G-string could make a woman so ‘happy’). I looked up some fantasies that other women have, and figured out how I could act them out with my dearly beloved. I learnt all sorts of new tricks and, thankfully, most of them have worked.
She caught me red-handed on the Net gawking at a doctored image of Catherine Zeta-Jones once. But after I explained what I was really surfing for she smiled in anticipation. These days, we sometimes even surf together, searching far and wide for tried and true techniques and postures that guarantee us a fulfilling sex life. We have since learned to open up a lot more and right now, we use all the words in our considerably vulgar vocabulary on each other in bed, knowing full well what they really mean and enjoying every minute of it.
So the next time you catch your man eyeballing Britney in a two-piece bikini, smile, pull up a chair, and join him. You’ll see what I mean.
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