How do you go from friends to colleagues?
You’ve been friends since childhood. You love each other’s company, and think that maybe working together is a great career move for both of you. Think again. Friends that work together don’t always stay together.
Backstabbers at work.
On any given Monday, Sally is possibly the bitchiest marketing executive around, so says Kavitha, her friend of five years. How does she know?
A year ago, Sally was looking for a job. When an opening turned up in Kavitha’s company, a timeshare sales firm, Kavitha wasted no time in recommending her for the position. Sally got the job, and has been working there ever since. But something happened: Sally and Kavitha drifted apart, and their friendship went from Saturday slumber parties and Sunday lunches to Tuesday afternoon meetings and office backstabbing.
“We were such good friends,” recalls Kavitha. “In the beginning, it was great. We’d have lunch together, car-pool to and from work, and meet clients. But I didn’t expect her to be so bitchy.”
It turned out that although Sally is a pleasant enough person, she’s very aggressive when it comes to work and her career. After a couple of months, she began to backstab Kavitha at the office. Kavitha heard rumours about Sally not being happy sharing sales ‘territories’ with Kavitha anymore, and that she was lobbying with the bosses to have it changed. Sadly, that same dissatisfaction stained their long-time relationship, and it turned sour. Five years of good friendship, gone in an instant.
Work And Play Don’t Mix
It’s a sad but necessary fact that work lives and personal lives don’t mix. No one can stand a friend who talks about work all the time, the same way that companies don’t tolerate employees who bring family problems to work. People always tell us that couples should not work together, and that families should stay away from setting up their own businesses unless they’re prepared for the bickering that will go on until someone or everyone dies. The two parts of our lives are not the same, so says Dr. Mark Pope, a career and family counsellor and Associate Professor at the University of Missouri.
“The real problem is the incongruity in behaviour between the friend-at-work and the friend-at-home,” he says.
At work, individuals are driven by money, by power and by their career objectives in the way they interrelate to their colleagues. But at a personal, out-of-office level, they are driven by emotions, by kindness, by gratitude. That’s what keeps families together longer than office teams: the motives are less selfish. In the same way, corporate high-achievers keep moving up: more money, more power.
Thus, when two people who share a personal relationship undertake a professional, working commitment, they find themselves making some tough decisions. All of a sudden, the motives behind our relationships are at conflict. Especially if one is a superior to the other.
“Where friends’ jobs put them into situations where they must discipline their friend, or must evaluate their friend’s work, or any situation which has a perceived negative result for one friend, there is potential for bad feelings between those involved.,” says Dr. Pope.
Subordinate-superior relationships are probably more obvious examples of how friends can fail to work together, but far more common is the peer relationship, like Kavitha and Sally. They both failed to acknowledge that something was going wrong. Most people would do the same: go on with their friendship, as though nothing has changed. But it’s hard when the person you’re chatting over tea with now is the same one who attacked your work in a meeting last week. Can you ignore it?
Dr. Pope says it’s absolutely imperative that you do. “Be sensitive to the work situation of each other,” he says. “Know that there will sometimes be situations where the work requirements will take precedence over the friendship, but that when you are away from work it is the ‘non-work’ parameters which are in effect at that time.”
Two Hearts, One Mind
Succeeding in that effort may be easier said than done. How many of us are able to openly talk about our friendship with each other without getting defensive? Someone must initiate the conversation, and whoever does is going to end up the Bad Guy. By starting it, you’re implying that you’re unhappy. The other person thinks it’s because of him or her, even if he or she does feel something wrong somewhere. It’s a classic recipe for disaster.
But by laying down some rules-of-conduct, and sticking by them, two friends should actually still be able to work together without their personal relationship getting in the way. One common but very effective rule is to not talk about work outside of the office.
“This draws an almost perceptible line between your office life and your personal life. It may be difficult at first, especially when you have many questions, and are excited about your new job. But after a while, it becomes natural,” says Jonathan, who was hired by an old schoolmate of his at his company. His friendship with his boss was strained at the beginning of their work-relationship, but after a frank chat over some beers, they agreed to some basic rules, including not having lunch together.
“Just like couples, friends shouldn’t see too much of each other. You get sick of them,” theorises Jonathan.
Kavitha suggests making sure there’s a ‘cooling-off’ period between work and meeting as friends. “It should be at least a couple of hours… long enough for you to get your work-mode out of your system, and turn to friend-mode again.”
Dr. Pope agrees, saying, “First, sit down with each other early in the work relationship and identify where there are likely to be problems. Second, establish clear boundaries.” Hopefully, this will nip any trouble likely to arise right in its bud.
Colleagues Or Friends?
Probably the most important decision that you’ll have to make is what your primary relationship is going to be: friends, or colleagues.
Many us find friends at our workplaces… or so we think. When push comes to shove, we ought to remember that the people we meet at the office are strangers to the rest of our lives, even if they do come over for Christmas once a year. And if they’re pushed into a corner, they will sacrifice their loyalty to their friendship with you if their career is at stake. Few people ever keep friends in the same place when they change companies, and those that do ordinarily have ulterior, ‘industry-wide’ motives. After all, you never know who might open doors for you in the future.
So it is with friends, except that because friendships have to do with our hearts more than our minds, we’re more susceptible to hurt and anger than we would be in other cases. Most of us can watch a colleague leave a company, never to be seen again, without so much as a “keep in touch!” But friends cannot maintain that level of disinterestedness. We bemoan friends who use us and leave us, but we there’s no problem with colleagues leveraging off each other. It is accepted behaviour. A part of life. Survival.
So, the most difficult question that two people will be faced with when working together is, “What are we first?” Some would say friends should stick together, no matter what. But others rank family first, work second, and friends as third, in that order of importance. Are you willing to sacrifice your friendship to become colleagues?
Of course, some sort of middle-ground would be ideal, but being human, that’s about as easy to find as a tiptoe balance on a slack-rope. Tread carefully, but the moment either of you see signs of the other falling over, then it’s time to reconsider your decision. It’s never too late to leave that job and save your friendship.
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