YOU CHOOSE: Your friends… or your family?
Can you choose between friends or family?
When we were young and our parents frowned upon our choice of friends, our first reaction was to jump to her or his defence. But then, we age. And the older we get the more prone we are to indifferent shrugs that are supposed to say, “Well Mom, I’m old enough to make my own choices now, okay?”
But if they continue to question your social circle, what can you do?
Friends and family
“I left home,” says Zachary, 22, a room-in college student. “I got tired of having my friends insulted by my mother’s stares whenever I brought them over that I decided to start working part-time to pay for my lodgings.”
His mother was hysterical about it, of course (what would your mom say?), but his father was very understanding, and even offered to support his first few months. Zachary turned his help down, and he’s doing okay… except that he has not spoken to his mother since.
Loading ...Most parents out there will no doubt baulk at the audacity of young Zachary for choosing to leave his family rather than do without his friends, but Zachary is resolute. Yet Michael Wano, author of Refill for Life
“A common adage is, ‘You can pick your friends, but you cannot pick your family’,” says Mr Wano. “If, God forbid, you do have to make a choice, you should choose wisely.”
Mr Wano is of the opinion that family will always be there — or at least they should be — but that friends may not. Walking away from his only mother that way could be detrimental to Zachary’s relationship with her, and lead to more family problems in the future… whether his father supported his decision or not.
How to pick your friends for a web show.
“She’s a nag,” says Zachary. “And overprotective. I am twenty-two now. Isn’t that old enough for me to make my own decisions?”
Zachary’s friends are punks… or at least they try to be. In reality, they all come from average middle-class families with intact marriages and a couple of siblings to bully. At college, they sport the styles of their hip MTV generation: long hairdos, hipsters and earrings. But at home, says Zachary, they are far less flashy and obtrusive.
“I tried telling my mum all this, but she won’t listen,” Zachary complains. “She never does!”
Mr Wano may think that family should always come first, but he doesn’t discount friends completely. Firstly, the family should genuinely care for you. Else, the equation is ruined.
“Hear what your friends have to say — they have your best interests in mind. Listen to what your family has to say — they have your best interests at heart,” Mr Wano theorises.
When family comes first
Of course, while many of us may wish we had the guts to do what Zachary did, we also know that it is a very big decision to turn our family away like that.
Claire, 20, is like many girls: she loves-but-hates her mother, does not really talk to her father much and generally prefers being with her girlfriends to staying at home. During her first semester, Claire hardly ever saw her family. She would leave for college first thing in the morning, and come back as late as possible in the evening. But when she had to, she still chose her family over her friends.
“It’s not that I didn’t like my family,” she says. “It’s just that I didn’t want to see them then.”
Even on weekends, Claire would leave notes saying she was going to be out working on group projects or putting some extra hours studying with her friends. But when the first semester break came, Claire found herself with nowhere to go at 7.30am. The prospect of breakfasting with her family for the first time in three months was intimidating, but it didn’t scare her. She hardly knew them anymore. But she also missed them. Claire remembers that first weekend she spent at home very fondly.
“Yes, Mom’s a nag,” Claire says, rolling her eyes but with a small smile on her lips. “But she takes good care of me. I do love her.”
A tribute to Moms... and family.
“To be honest, I was very afraid at all I had missed,” Claire says. “My father looked so old to me all of a sudden, because I hadn’t really had a good look at him in so long. And my brother — he had long hair! They had all changed so much in three months.”
Soon, the new semester started and Claire went back to college. She was reunited with her friends, and spent the first week or so following her old schedule — leave at 7.30am, come home at 11.00pm. But then she realised she was making the same mistake.
“I didn’t want to miss a whole chunk of our family life like I did the last time,” says Claire.
Claire told her friends that she couldn’t hang out with them so much anymore, expecting them to understand. Instead, they harassed her — How long are you going to let your parents run your life for you? They are your past, but we’re your future! Claire was terribly upset.
“What they didn’t realise was that I wanted to spend more time with my family,” says Claire.
Bill Cottringer, author of You Can Have Your Cheese and Eat It Too
“Be open and honest as to who needs you most at any given time,” says Cottringer. “And if you don’t have the time, say it assertively, never complaining.”
Claire faced off her friends and told them calmly that if she had to choose, she would choose her family. She also told them that their friendship meant a lot to her, and she hoped they wouldn’t force her into having to make a choice.
“They respected me for that,” says Claire. “And I think that our friendship has actually grown since then, because there is a lot more appreciation for each other, now. You can’t buy that.”
