Exorcise your bedroom demons
Demons are everywhere, but most of all, they're inside your head.
He’s naked. You’re naked. The lights are out. A scented candle burns softly in a corner of the room. The curtains are drawn, but the windows are open. Stevie Wonder’s My Cherie Amour drifts up from downstairs. He moves closer to you, and you open your arms to engulf him in your embrace. You are completely alone….
(Whispered): No, you’re not.
Uh-oh. Looks like your twosome just became a threesome. A third, imaginary presence is in the room, and now you’re more frigid than a block of ice. The Bedroom Demon strikes again.
It could be your mother or your ex-boyfriend or even your partner’s ex-girlfriend, but that Demon haunts your most intimate moments with your boyfriend, putting you out of sorts and him in confusion. Your sex life is being strangled by a figment of your imagination, and you swing between queen dominatrix to virginal kitten every time it makes an appearance. You struggle to maintain focus, but your self-esteem is battered by the things these demons say: “Good girls don’t do that,” says Mom. “You know I’m better than him at this, right?” growls your ex-boyfriend. And, worst of all, the throaty snigger of the busty bombshell your partner dumped to be with you: “You call that sexy?”
Sometimes they leave you alone and you don’t hear from them for weeks. But just when you think they’re gone for good, they return to taunt, to tease and to befuddle you, making you feel inadequate and insecure. Your partner senses something is up, but how are you to tell him? No, you have to fight your own Bedroom Demons… and the sooner the better.
When Mother comes to visit
If your Mom is anything like mine, you can probably still hear some of the things she told you (read: nagged you) when you were young, in exactly the same tone of voice that she’s always said them in. Such gems as “All men are the same” and “Good girls sit with their legs closed” come to mind. But having that voice in your head when you’re trying to have a game of bedroom Blind Man’s Bluff is not only distracting, but downright annoying.
What would his mother say to this?
“My Mom has never hesitated to warn me about men,” says Jennifer, a 23-year-old receptionist. “My first boyfriend and I were not allowed to be alone, even for a minute. When he was over for lunch, we were chaperoned to the kitchen!” she recalls.
Jennifer was fifteen then. But even after she turned eighteen and could go out with her other boyfriends, she still got the feeling that she wasn’t alone with them. A pair seemed to follow her wherever she was, and she just couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. So effective were her Mom’s litanies that Jennifer sometimes still sees her disapproving glare hovering before her eyes when she snuggles up close to her boyfriend in bed.
“I heard her saying, ‘Do you know how many women has he slept with, Jenn?’” says Jennifer. “It’s so disturbing to hear that when you’re next to the man you love.”
The trouble with bedroom demons is that you cannot just walk up to them and tell them to leave you alone. Jennifer could hardly blame her Mom for intruding upon her midnight escapades, because she wasn’t really there! Her demon was in her mind, and it was at the root of all her inhibitions.
Jennifer never really shook her Mom out of her head until last year, when she went through her seventh break-up: none of her boyfriends could understand what she went through whenever they tried to get intimate. She just could not relax, and this made them feel insecure.
“My father was unfaithful to my Mom, and they divorced when I was ten,” says Jennifer. “I guess she was just trying to protect me — I just wished she hadn’t tried so hard!”
But even supposing you do have the uncommon good fortune of being blessed with an ultra-modern, ultra-cool Mom with liberated views on sexuality and love, you still won’t be able to avoid the most dreaded demon of all: his ex-girlfriend.
When his ex-girlfriend drops in
Being a woman herself, Esther, 27, feels threatened by other good-looking women… especially if they’ve shared the bed of her partner before. Normally, we learn about our boyfriends’ past liaisons in bits and pieces, over the course of several years. But what happens when you find out about every woman he’s ever loved, and are shown pictures of them, too?
Elliot's sex fantasy.
Unlike us, men are not prone to keeping photos of past girlfriends, preferring to throw them out along with the rest of their stuff. But Esther was unlucky and, admittedly, a little stupid. She stumbled across a family photo album in Ricky’s parents’ house. Curiosity got the better of her, and she forced him to walk her through every picture… including the ones in which his arms were romantically draped across the shoulders of different girls at different times in his life. And then the worst possible thing happened: they bumped into his last girlfriend at the mall.
“Ricky’s girlfriends have always been very pretty and very sexy,” says Esther guardedly.
Next thing she knew, whenever they went to bed together, ghostly images of those ex-girlfriends began playing on her mind. She started comparing herself to them, and suddenly her breasts seemed too small and her hair too limp. She couldn’t concentrate and was losing her sexual esteem. Horribly, the act itself began to seem forced.
“I knew it was silly,” says Esther. “They are part of his past, just like my ex-boyfriends are part of my past. But after meeting Kimberly, I couldn’t help but feel so unattractive and inadequate. I kept thinking about how she had made love to him, how she had drove him wild. I had visions of them in bed together, and Ricky going mad with lust. How was I supposed to feel good about myself?”
It took some weeks before Kimberly faded away and stopped dropping by uninvited into Esther’s bedroom. But during that time, Esther subjected Ricky to non-top interrogation about her breast size, hips, bodily hair and acrobatic ability. He didn’t understand what was going on, but patiently reassured her that she was beautiful beyond words every time.
“He was very nice about it, although I bet he must have been confused,” says Esther.
Facing bedroom demons which are not even rightly your own is tough because you don’t know them. But it can be done, with a lot of love and time.
“I can’t even remember what Kimberly looks like anymore,” says Esther. “At least when she comes visiting now, I only see a hazy image and dull voice. I just keep reminding myself that although she is Ricky’s past, I’m his present. And that makes me the special one.”
When your ex-boyfriend swings by
As good as our ex-boyfriends may have been in bed, having them in your head when you’re trying to get down and dirty with someone new is downright unnerving, particularly when what they’re saying is true.
If your ex looks like Mr. Depp, you'd be forgiven for still having wet dreams about him anyway.
“My ex was a real pest and I have no regrets about leaving him,” says Christine, 25. “But he was sooo good in bed. He never disappointed.” Six months later, Christine still has the occasional wet dream over him, which is nice. What isn’t nice is the fact that he also comments on the sexual performance of her new partner almost every time she’s between the sheets with him.
Christine says she used to hear her ex whisper about everything from her boyfriend’s stamina to his clumsy orgasm. Things got better the more she talked to him about what it is she wanted, but she’s never been blown away the way she was with her ex.
“I’ll admit that Greg (her new boyfriend) cannot do the things that my ex could,” continues Christine. “This demon seems to know it. Every time I’m not satisfied with something Greg is doing, I think of my ex. It’s so upsetting, and worst of all, I cannot talk to Greg about it.”
Christine has battled her ex-boyfriend’s demon the only way she knows how: by focusing all her energies into making the sex with her current partner better. But it’s an uphill fight, because they’re so different. Her ex was an adventurous experimenter, whilst her present partner is a lot more reserved.
“My ex had a way with my body that I doubt I’ll ever experience with another man again,” says Christine, rather sadly. “But I feel an emotional connection with my current partner that wasn’t there with my ex. I think that makes it right, even if it’s not earth-shattering.”
Demon busters
Talk dirty to me baby, yeah.
Excellent remedies for getting rid of your bedroom demons include:
- Dirty talk — if you keep up the sexy conversation with your partner, constantly encouraging him to do this, that or the other (and vice versa), your bedroom demon will not have the opportunity to interject with his/her own words of wisdom.
- Loud music — Jennifer swears by Guns ‘n’ Roses, but you probably have your own favourite band that can help drown out that voice in your head. Blast it loud and clear, so much so you have to raise your voice to be heard (which is kind of empowering in itself, considering the language you’ll be using). Our recommendations? Think Metallica, Matchbox 20 and Linkin Park.
- Getting drunk — okay, maybe not, since this will also pretty much drown out any other sensation you’re supposed to feel.
- Counting sheep — the age-old method for inducing sleep also blocks out unwanted voices. The only trouble is that it can even distract you from the task at hand: making love.
- Arguing — I know, it doesn’t seem to make sense, does it? But remember Gollum in Lord of the Rings
, and how he argued his other voice into submission (Master is good — is not — is too — is not — is too!)? That’s the principle you need to use here, even if you do seem to be off your rocker for a moment.
