Are you a victim of Premature Cohabitation?
It used to be lovely seeing him, but that was before you moved in with him. Are you a victim of Premature Cohabitation?
... and they lived happily ever after?
Of all the people that I’ve ever had the displeasure of sharing a house with, I think my brother probably takes the prize for Least Pleasing Housemate.
It’s been six years since he’s moved out. But I can still smell the pong of his sweaty sneakers in the hall like it was yesterday. I can still hear him snorting and grunting in the lavatory every time I pass the door. I can still see his trail of breadcrumbs leading from the kitchen to the living room.
It’s no fun trying to live with a guy. He could be your brother, your cousin or your father or your boyfriend — it makes no difference. Boys will boys, and they will leave the toilet seat up.
Which brings me to cohabitation: the fine art of a couple sleeping, eating, and ‘pushing’ together in the hope of making their relationship more meaningful… and to test the waters of marriage.
We are largely divided over whether cohabitation is a good thing or not. According to Pamela Smock, author of Cohabitation in the United States — Annual Review of Sociology, 55-percent of different-sex cohabitors get married within five years of moving in together. On the other hand, research by Zheng Wu, a sociologist at the University of Victoria suggests that women who live with a man prior to marriage are 80-percent more likely to divorce or separate than are women who have never entered into a live-in situation.
But that’s not stopping us from doing it anyway. Since 1960, the rate of cohabitation has increased 1,000-percent. This trend is understandable, given the many advantages it supposedly offers: shared housing expenses. Shared household chores. Backrubs on demand. Loving company whenever you need it.
But what about when you don’t need it?
When so wrong seems so right
“I thought the time was perfect for us to move in together,” says Cheryl, a 27-year-old restaurant manageress. We worked in the same place (he was a bartender), had the same friends, liked the same things and loved being together… it just seemed so logical.”
TheGapYears ponders over moving in with her boyfriend.
As it turned out, things couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Cheryl’s boyfriend was used to seeing her immaculately groomed at work, and was surprised at the flaws he saw underneath all her foundation. She was used to seeing his swaggering, confident walk behind the bar, and didn’t like the way he slept in until noon everyday. But in the end, what broke them up was their lack of personal space — ‘me’ time when they could be alone with their own thoughts.
“It got to a point when I didn’t want to see him anymore,” says Cheryl. “Sometimes, when I was by myself, he would come into the room and try to undress me — I hated it when that happened. I was just not in the mood, and he couldn’t see it.”
Was Cheryl’s idea of cohabitating a bad idea? Dr Dennis W. Neder, author of Being a Man in a Woman’s World
“Until you actually live with someone else, you can’t possibly know what it’s going to be like.” argues Neder. “How unfair for two people to be thrust into a live-in situation without knowing what they are in for. Once the marriage is absolute, that’s a very bad time to find out about how your partner lives! I soundly believe that any couple that wants to be married had better live together first.”
However, it can happen too soon — something posh writers and relationship gurus are calling Premature Cohabitation. But how can you tell? To start with, there are some things you ought to ask yourselves before taking the plunge… including why you’re doing it.
“Before you move in together, it’s best if you’re very clear about what you expect,” say Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot, founders of the Alternatives to Marriage Project and authors of Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple
The toughest part is keeping your expectations reasonable. Living together will not magically transform today’s Marriage-Just-Ain’t-For-Me guy into tomorrow’s Groom-To-Be. And sharing a kitchen and bedroom will not sweeten a volatile relationship.
“Live together because your relationship is going well, not to try to make it better,” advise Miller and Solot.
The couple also recommends signing a Cohabitation Agreement, which works like a prenuptial agreement and helps make break-ups easier. And if things aren’t going well, you should never, never marry your cohabiting partner because you hope marriage will change her.
“If you don’t like what you see in an unmarried significant other, you definitely won’t like it in a spouse,” says Solot.
Hard habits to break
Men all have a bad habit… or six. But these are highly-personal habits, which no one else knows about (or so we hope). Nose-picking. Belching. Farting. If neither his mother’s nagging nor his grandmother’s switch could break his filthy habits, what makes you think you can?
Will Living Together Ruin Your Relationship?, by YourTango.com.
There are some things you can only learn about people after having lived with them over an extended period of time. How long that period is depends on how long we can put up an act.
It boils down to the masks we put on every day before we step out of our homes. The way we behave with everyone else — including lifelong buddies, parents and colleagues — is different from the way we behave when we are alone. Throughout the day, we constantly ask ourselves questions like “What does this person think of me? How can I make this guy like me? Will she be angry if I do this?” We even change our behaviour, if we think it will benefit us.
But we cannot wear our mask indefinitely. Sooner or later, it will start to peel, revealing the soft flesh inside… along with all the other stuff we’d rather not have the rest of the world know about. Mood swings. Mad fits of violence. Hysterical crying.
Although discovering new things about each other was exciting at the beginning, Cheryl grew tired of putting on a show for her ex-boyfriend.
“I just couldn’t be myself anymore,” she complains. “If I put curlers in my hair, he would laugh. If I ate a whole tub of ice-cream by myself, he’d tell our friends. And if I bought a new dress, he would criticise the way I spent my money.”
Of course, this is the primary reason that women cohabit in the first place: you get to learn intimate details about your guy that you would never otherwise guess; and then later, you can decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with him. People call it avoiding divorce, although conservative traditionalists call it avoiding marriage. Either way, you get a pretty good taste of what’s in store should you decide to settle down permanently with him.
This means that there is a very real danger that cohabitation can shatter the perfect picture the two of you have painted of your relationship. What you have to consider is, are you ready to take that risk?
How come, how long?
So, how long after you start dating should you try this cohabitation thing? A month? Three? Six?
The Cohabitation Vows.
Much longer, I’m afraid: everyone agrees you should only start talking about it at least 18-months after your first kiss… and only if you’re very serious about the relationship. You have to get over the initial rush of the relationship, when the sex is hot and the loving is better. It’s called the Infatuation Stage (you know you’re in it if you still think your partner’s perfect), when your heart is too flighty and your head is too silly for you to make serious decisions like this.
“David and I met at a party in our first semester. We hit off so well, we moved in together before the month was out!” says Rita, who is still studying. “Looking back, I know that was where I went wrong — I hardly knew him.”
It is during the next stage of the relationship that the question of cohabitating should first be brought up. This is when the flowers come less regularly and entertainment is mostly movies, Scrabble and late Friday nights. Birthday presents are still great, but there is no sizzling tingle up your spine when he kisses you anymore. You have settled into a pleasant rhythm you like and know well, and you think that you could get used to having that rhythm around you all the time — “Should we move in together?” is a question either party can pop.
However, even if you have been dating for five years and already (think) you know all there is to know about it each other, the time may still not be right.
“If your partner is unsure about living together and needs convincing, then your relationship is just not ready for it,” says Miller.
“When Andrew asked me, I was stunned,” says Melissa, 29. “But the thought was so exciting that I said Yes — it was almost like agreeing to marry him!”
It wasn’t marriage, though. Not yet, anyway, although it is rumoured that wedding bells may be ringing in her direction very soon. She has lived with Andrew for three years, and has no regrets.
“We’ve learned a lot about each other. There was a tough patch which we thought we’d never get through, but we made amends and adjusted our habits to respect each other,” Melissa says. “I think the most important thing we learned is to give each other our space.”
Top 10 Reasons Why Unmarried Couples Aren’t Married… Yet
- Living together as a step between dating and marriage
- The time isn’t right
- Don’t want to become a wife (or husband)
- To avoid divorce
- To stay away from City Hall
- Financial reasons
- Religious reasons
- Marriage doesn’t represent the relationship
- They can’t
- No compelling reason to marry
Source: Unmarried to Each Other by authors Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller.
