25 ways to make your boyfriend history

Repeat after me: YOU dumped HIM, not the other way around. And just to make sure you remember it that way, here are twenty-five other positive affirmations you can use to show him he’s history.

1. 

   Screw him.

   Have pity on him

   Yes, I know it’s hard to pretend that you dumped him. But a spot of positive affirmation can put things in a surprisingly comfortable perspective. Start talking to people about how you were dating him because he was on the rebound — i.e., you took pity on him — but that he has some ‘issues’ that he has not yet sorted out.
   Your quote: “I do hope he sorts his problems out, because he’s in a real mess, you know? The poor guy!”




2. Become an enigma

   It would be easy to hit the club circuit and let everyone know that you’re single and available again, and that you’re actively seeking some companionship. Perish the thought. Instead, become an enigma, an unsolved riddle — no one knows whether you’re still with him or not, and even if they do, it won’t matter because you’re not acting desperate. Your dignity remains intact and, better yet, mysterious women always get the better scores anyway.
   Your quote: “Now, when was the last time I saw him…? You know, I just can’t remember. Why do you ask?

3. How to Give an Acrylic Nail French Manicure.

   Buff up your nails

   Sometimes, the best therapy is TO simply pampering yourself with some unnecessary indulgence which reminds you who the most special person in the world is: You. A manicure is good, but a pedicure thrown in is even better.
   Your quote: “Oh, him? I don’t know really. I’m just thinking about my nail-job right now — aren’t they lovely?”

4. Go public

   Talking about your pain is often the easiest way to get rid of it, which is why we love chatting on the phone so much. But what makes this form of psychotherapy even more effective is going public with it… and showing the world how you have moved on since the break-up. Think radio, TV or even writing to this mag. Guess who’ll be watching and fuming as you turn him into an irrelevant statistic, a number, a faceless man now part of your history?
   Your quote: “What I learned from going out with so-and-so is that your best friend always trumps your boyfriend.”

5. Check his friends out

   Nothing gets to a man’s ego more than women who are cool enough to still be friends with his mates even after he’s broken up with you. They find such maturity humiliating. Stay in touch with his buddies, and perhaps even have a few one-on-ones with the nicer guys to keep his mind busy and yourself happy. Who knows — maybe you had the right bunch of blokes but nailed the wrong knucklehead to begin with?
   Your quote: “Oh, yeah we’re through. But what are we talking about him for? Let’s talk about you.”

6. Accessorise!

   

   Accessories, accessories, accessories.

   True, nice jewellery costs money… money probably better spent on manicures and clothes. But cheap jewellery never hurt anyone, especially if you can afford to just use it once and throw it away. Besides, what would your next man buy you if you already had a pair of diamond-everythings?
   Your quote: “This pendant here kind of reminds me of him — see how it looks so nice? But under the surface, you know it’s cheap.”

7. Have a milk bath

   This might not be easy if you don’t have a bathtub of your own, but you can check out some simple spa centres that cater to women for special occasions — marriages and such — and they’ll do everything for you… including sponging you down! Now, could he ever make you feel so good? To do it yourself, pop into the nearest Body Shop.
   Your quote: “I do believe I’ve found the perfect substitute for a man’s embrace… and it’s much cheaper, too!”

8. Forget his number

   One of the biggest mistakes you can ever make is get in touch with him. How is he supposed to think you’re over him if you keep sending him SMSes at midnight? So, the first thing you should do if you’re set on making him history is delete his number from your mobile phone — you’ll forget it in no time.
   Your quote: “Now, where did I put his number…?”




9. Vacate your home

   Okay, so like the song says, everything reminds you of him. Your front door, where he once snogged you on the way out. The couch, where you spent so many nights watching movies and (ugh!) football. What to do? Go on a holiday, preferably a permanent one — leave your home, and come back when you’ve got him out of your system. Everything will seem neutral again, and you can get on with your life.
   Your quote: “Great! Now I can get away and not have to worry about who’s staying up for me.”

10. Go shopping

    Some things are best bought after break-ups. Like lingerie. And Little Black Dresses. And fishnet stockings, along with high-heels that show your toes. You know, the sort of stuff you wouldn’t feel comfortable getting if he was still with you. Well, now’s your chance!
    Your quote: “This bra, that dress, those earrings — smashing! It’s a pity he won’t see me.”

    
    
    

    Shopping with Kate Moennig.

11. Borrow a pet

    If there’s one thing that takes the blues away, it’s a pet that needs to be loved. Cat, dog, bird, iguana — it doesn’t matter. As long as it makes you feel better. The best part about them is that they never comment on the cellulite around your thighs. Just make sure you give it back when you’re done.
    Your quote: “You’re a lovey puppy, aren’t you? Yes, you’re a real cutie-pie, a cutie-sweetie, cutie-pie….”

12. Get awarded

    If you’ve never won anything in your life, now’s the time to do so. Winning recognition gives such a boost of confidence, it makes everything else in your life seem insignificant in comparison, ex-boyfriends included. Being crowned Pop Idol would be great. Otherwise, think karaoke contests, writing competitions or bagging the Best Dressed at the club.
    Your quote: “I really wasn’t expecting this. I’d like to thank the organisers, my Mum, Dad, the bartender, my pet snake, the waiter… (anyone except him).”

13. Revive your career

    Another well-tested and positive method of shaking a man out of your hair is diving into your career and setting some new goals for yourself… goals that don’t include him. You could change jobs, or do like the celebrities and simply start your own business — now, what would he say about that.
    Your quote: “I’m feeling really good about this decision, and am confident about pulling it off on my own.”

14. Party, party, party!

    No, we don’t mean hitting the club circuit, which would be in violation of #2 on this list. But throwing a private party — and not inviting him — will definitely charge you up. Better yet, have a girlie makeover party where everyone gets to look and act like movie stars. Hire make-up artists and photographers to make it real good. Send out invitations online!
    Your quote: “This party I’m throwing is going to be the best ever. No men allowed — parties are always better without them around, anyway.”

15. “Dear John…”

    Writing a letter is widely considered one of the best therapies around for sorting things out in your head. It works by putting all your problems onto paper for someone else, reading it over yourself, and realising that they’re not that big a deal after all. The trick is to not send it to him. It’s strictly For Your Eyes Only.
    Your quote: “Having read over what I’ve just written, I realise how lucky I am that it’s over between us.”

16. Watch action movies

    There is something about movies which star guys like Vin Diesel or The Rock that is so mind-numbingly stupid, you cannot help but forget about yourself for a while. The dialogue’s horrible, the plot’s pathetic and the acting is dumb. But it doesn’t make you cry, and all that violence gives you the chance to reflect on why being a woman is so wonderfully simple.
    Your quote: “I can’t believe I was dating someone that likes watching this kind of thing. It’s so stupid!”

17. Be a man

    Well, no, not really. But if you’ve been missing his handy hands around the house, then you really should learn to start doing stuff yourself — changing a lightbulb, putting up pictures, fixing a leaky tap. Take up a short D.I.Y. course, or, better yet, get a friend of his to teach you!
    Your quote: “I didn’t realise this was so easy. Why I ever needed a man to change a faucet washer for me, I don’t know.”

18. Get a facial

    Crying really takes its toll on your eyes, leaving them all puffy and horrid-looking. Getting a facial not only makes you look better, but helps you feel better, too. If you can’t afford to go to a professional for it, do it yourself!
    Your quote: “Don’t you think I look better ever since I left him?”

    
    
    

    Egg Mask Facial.

19. Do jigsaw puzzles

    Another very absorbing type of alone-time play is working on puzzles — 500 pieces, minimum. They require hours of concentration, and really do take your mind off everything else happening in your life. Best of all, when they’re completed you can frame them and hang them up where your old pictures of him used to be.
    Your quote: “I’ll hang this one of Big Ben right there at the stairs, and throw that old photo of him at Grand Station out.”

20. Box him up

    Sending gifts back to ex-boyfriends is an old-fashioned way of cutting off the last ties with them. It shows bitterness, and that’s not what you’re aiming for. Instead, gather everything he ever gave you — clothes, cards, earrings, movie ticket stubs, mugs — and put them all in a box. Don’t leave anything out. Then, seal it up and chuck into a back room where you’ll forget about it.
    Your quote: “I know I kept his stuff — for the memories, you know? — but for the life of me, I can’t remember where I put it!”

21. Get a medical

    This may seem odd, but a sure-fire way of convincing yourself that he has not killed you by breaking your heart is to get a full medical check-up. If everything is good to go, then you know that you’re alright!
    Your quote: “I’m doing great. My doctor says so.”

22. Learn a musical instrument

    

    It's easy to learn how to play the guitar.

    Picking up an easy-to-learn musical instrument is an excellent way of giving yourself something to do with all the extra time you now have on your hands. Experts recommend the guitar or harmonica, since they’re cheap and portable. The best part is that you’ll need a musician to tutor you — see if you can get someone cute from the local live music bar.
    Your quote: “I’m learning to play all my favourite songs for my next boyfriend.”

23. Kick him out

    … of your system, that is. If you’ve got a lot of pent-up aggression you need to release, consider signing up for a martial-arts fitness regime like Kickboxing Dance classes or Masala Aerobics. You’ll be sweating him out from under your skin, and toning up that flab at the same time.
    Your quote: “If he were here, I’d show him how I really feel about our break-up.”

24. Meet his mother

    If you really want to irritate the hell out of him, take his mum out to a high-tea buffet. Mothers have a surprising propensity for recalling the most embarrassing moments in the children’s lives, and are usually more than pleased to have someone to talk about them to. At the end of it all, you’ll likely be laughing over him instead of crying!
    Your quote: “Really? He did that? (Laugh) Oh my God, he never told me!”

25. Don’t regret anything

    The cardinal rule of all break-ups is to live and let live. Move on with your life, and don’t mull over the months or years that you think you wasted in the relationship. No relationship is a waste of time, because every experience helps make us better people.
    Your quote: “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Tags: breaking up, humour, love and relationship

Posted on Friday, July 24th, 2009 at 11:22 pm under Love & Sex, Self & Play. Follow reader comments with the RSS 2.0 feed.