10 types of personal ads (and what they mean)
Before you answer that online personal ad from someone who claims to make love like Don Juan and have a bank account like Mr Trump, you’d best read between the lines. From the Trumpet Blower to the DOM (Dirty Old Man), the personals are chock-a-block full of lies.
TYPE 1: The Trumpet Blower
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Typically sounds like…: I’m a cool dude with a sense of casual easiness. I’m very funny, with a dash of wicked humour at times. Extremely suave if I do say so myself.
Now, that’s not so bad, is it? Nothing wrong with hiding your flaws with a cool, composed confidence. Type 1 seems to be just what he says, but you should be careful for that very reason: no man would ever claim to be ‘extremely suave’ unless he is targetting gullible 18-22-year olds. Hey, would you ever advertise yourself as ‘drop-dead gorgeous’?
Advice: Type 1 has a dark side to him, and you should tread carefully. He could be anything from a serial killer to a serial dater. He knows it. He’s just hoping that you don’t know it.
TYPE 2: The Hunter
Loading ...Typically sounds like…: Me? I’m just looking for a bit of ‘fun’ (hint hint). As long as you’re discreet, anything can happen, right? …It would be even better if you yourself are committed but just want to have some fun on the side.
That introduction could pass off as a harmless joke. Except that this excerpt came from a married man of forty, who stated his preferred match as a lady “between 20-28”. Type 2 advertisements start with hints, but usually end up pretty bluntly. Thankfully, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what he’s after.
Advice: Always read between the lines when answering the personals. Sometimes, men too can mean ‘yes’ even when they say ‘no’.
TYPE 3: The Guesser
Typically sounds like…: I guess that due to my job I don’t have time to search for my other half. I love to go to the movies, but I’m always alone. I guess I would love to find someone to share my life with. I’m lonely, I guess.
Type 3 doesn’t really know what he’s after, and can be a source of bitter disappointment. The trouble with him is that he hasn’t even decided for himself whether he wants someone or not. It could be that he’s been hurt many times before and is still not sure whether or not he should start looking for someone new. Or, he knows he needs someone, but doesn’t have a clue as to what sort of person she should be. With this type, the phone calls taper off, your email goes unanswered and he eventually drops off the face of the planet.
Advice: On any given day, the fickle man is far worse to know than the fickle woman. Contact him of you wish, but don’t get your hopes up too high and always be ready for an inconclusive end.
TYPE 4: The Honest Blunt
Typically sounds like…: Very open minded by nature, wild & naughty at times. 165 cm, 55++ kg, average height but slightly under weight for a guy. God has given me a gift: I look much younger than my age. See it to believe it. I’m looking for a friend … but who would know what would happen after a week, a month, a year? Nothing fat and ugly, please….
No doubt about it, Type 4 is as honest as the day is long. But although this virtue is highly-prized, I don’t know if you’d appreciate his candour for long. You can depend on Type 4 to be conscientious in his communication with you, but he’s not for the faint hearted — expect him to point out your flaws to you, as though you weren’t already aware of them yourself. Although not completely agreeable, he is at least reliable.
Advice: Try to appreciate Type 4’s candidness. Otherwise, look for someone more subtle.
TYPE 5: The Desperado
Typically sounds like…: Interests are travel, meeting people, outdoor sports, listening to music, nature, clubbing, shopping, water sports, billiards, cars, computers, internet, dancing, football, gym, aerobics, hiking, motor racing, mountain climbing, cinema, etc….
Type 5 seems to be interested in an awful lot of things, but how does anyone find that kind of time these days? They don’t. Type 5 is afraid of narrowing his appeal too much by being in any way specific about what his interests are (online searches often match people according to interests). He is desperate for any company, no matter what they like doing or where they are from.
Of course, a person’s marketability should hardly be determined by what they enjoy doing. But consider this: would you really hook up with someone who forces himself to enjoy the polka as much as you just because he can’t find anyone else?
Advice: Keep an eye on Type 5, and maybe later when he’s a little more experienced with the personals, he’ll be able to tell you more about what he likes.
TYPE 6: The Best Friend
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Typically sounds like…: If you have questions on computers, ask me. I am quite an “ugly” man, so if you’re looking for someone who’s macho or handsome, turn the page. I may be boring, but I am very caring. I want someone to chit-chat with between 20-32, loves IT, and cannot be too ugly or too pretty!
Type 6 won’t do well as a life-time companion perhaps, but you can’t deny his sincerity. A man who steps forward and declares himself ugly faces getting no responses to his ad whatsoever, what more requesting that girls who reply not be too pretty, either.
With this in mind, you can be pretty sure that Type 6 has no ulterior motives, and probably just likes to chat a lot. He balances his honesty with reality. Type 6 fits the best friend role very well. He has no false hopes about getting any further in a relationship, and, best of all, is content with that. Count on him to never let you down when you need someone.
Advice: Treat him kindly. If he is as ugly as he says he is, don’t tell him so. Pay him the due respect that he gives you.
TYPE 7: The Plainly Spoken
Typically sounds like…: I am looking for a like-minded woman to have an affair with. I love to experiment, if you know what I mean. No pretenders, please.
Bravo. Type 7 doesn’t mince his words. Married, bored and not even willing to go through the normal procedure of ‘let’s meet first’ before cutting to the chase, he uses the personals not to fill anyone’s life with meaning, but only to fulfill his own perverted desires. There is no deciphering with Type 7. Everyone can figure him out… or so it seems. Just what does he mean by ‘experiment’, exactly?
Advice: If you’re gung-ho about having affairs with married men and would like to expand your sexual horizons too, then have fun. Others – even the curious – should stay clear.
TYPE 8: The D.O.M. (Dirty Old Man)
Typically sounds like…: 54, Single; am looking for an athletic, intelligent, woman (25-35) who is self-reliant and who can deal with a travel schedule which can be hectic (USA, Europe, or around Asia).
See it? The man is looking for women half his own age! Type 8 is choosy about who he wants in life, and has obviously settled his heart on remaining single for the rest of his life. He wants no life-partner; only temporary maidens whom he hopes to attract with his money and opportunity for travel! A self-centred male chauvinist, Type 8 only wants women in their prime — not before, nor after.
Advice: Get a life. No one needs to take up with Type 8.
TYPE 9: The Forgotten Deal
Typically sounds like…: Looking for someone (35-45) with an open heart, has natural beauty without makeup, not too demanding, sincere in her relationships, likes to help people and knows how to cook.
Type 9 is usually a forgotten 60-year-old who has just woken up and discovered that he is no longer the youthful bull of his prime. Uh oh. Time to find a woman to take care of him in his old age. Either that, or it’s a sad case of his ex-wife being dead or having just left him. Either way, you wonder why.
Advice: You shouldn’t really have too much to worry about with Type 9. He knows his time is past. It’s up to you.
TYPE 10: The Real Deal
Typically sounds like…: I am a businessman; I wear glasses. I am romantic, understanding, and love ladies who are fair. I love meeting friends and outdoor activities. I’m looking for someone loving, romantic, understanding, charming, clean and tidy. Homely and sporting, thinks of family up-keeping. Looking for marriage-minded ladies for long term relationship.
This is it. Type 10 has all the qualities of a genuine, candid and worthwhile personal advertisement. He is both honest about his looks and what he’s looking for. He knows what he likes, and what he doesn’t. Therefore, you can take everything in between as the truth so far as he knows it.
Advice: Type 10 is the ideal balance between honesty of self and sincerity in expectation. Ending on the note that he does, don’t waste his time unless you’re serious about it, too.
